black/white communication

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All-

Just curious if anyone else had the same experience as I did.   My exgf would literally only communicate via text messaging when things began to unravel.  90% of the push/pull was done via text.   I remember when she told me that when she asked for her divorce from her ex husband, she did it by writing a letter and leaving it for him to read while she left the house.   It seems to be a definite pattern.   What it does however to me, is feel like I don't have closure.  She would text some very hurtful things one day - very black/white, non emotional and then a few days later change her tune, saying that she loves me and wants to be with me forever.   When I held her, it was like she was a different person.  She was warm and emotional.   Everyone always said she had a very stoic outward appearance which made her very sad and depressed.  She would always say "this is not the person she is".  She would blame everything on healing after her divorce.  The marriage that she ended not the ex husband.    Her chosen communication vehicle the last 4 months was texting,   A LOT (we are in our upper 30's)  (including 4 texts saying we were done, multiple texts saying she loved me forever, texts saying she wanted to still get married in the future, texts saying that one day she will come back stronger and hopes that I will still be available for her).   

Before BPD showed its ugly head, the first 9 months of our relationship was AMAZING.   We told our families we were going to get married- she even reserved an ocean side venue.  I bought a ring (which I never gave her).   I am sitting on a 2K diamond ring (for the past 12 months).   So if anyone wants a good deal let me know.  That's another thing that is weighing me down (no pun intended).   I have the engagement ring that I bought her- I was so sure at the time that I bought the wedding band with it.   I even bought her diamond earrings and a necklace and wrote inside the boxes (to be worn on our wedding day).  I gave her the necklace and earrings 14 months ago.  She has them still today.   One push/pull episode about 11 months ago, she gave them back to me, but later asked for them back .   Part of me is glad that she has kept them, as I hope she feels hurt when she looks at them knowing the hurt she has caused me ( I know that is not healthy to think that way).

Thanks for listening.  Weekends seem to be the toughest to get through... .

[cali5]

Hi All-

Just curious if anyone else had the same experience as I did.   My exgf would literally only communicate via text messaging when things began to unravel.  90% of the push/pull was done via text.   I remember when she told me that when she asked for her divorce from her ex husband, she did it by writing a letter and leaving it for him to read while she left the house.   It seems to be a definite pattern.   What it does however to me, is feel like I don't have closure.  She would text some very hurtful things one day - very black/white, non emotional and then a few days later change her tune, saying that she loves me and wants to be with me forever.   When I held her, it was like she was a different person.  She was warm and emotional.   Everyone always said she had a very stoic outward appearance which made her very sad and depressed.  She would always say "this is not the person she is".  She would blame everything on healing after her divorce.  The marriage that she ended not the ex husband.    Her chosen communication vehicle the last 4 months was texting,   A LOT (we are in our upper 30's)  (including 4 texts saying we were done, multiple texts saying she loved me forever, texts saying she wanted to still get married in the future, texts saying that one day she will come back stronger and hopes that I will still be available for her).   

Before BPD showed its ugly head, the first 9 months of our relationship was AMAZING.   We told our families we were going to get married- she even reserved an ocean side venue.  I bought a ring (which I never gave her).   I am sitting on a 2K diamond ring (for the past 12 months).   So if anyone wants a good deal let me know.  That's another thing that is weighing me down (no pun intended).   I have the engagement ring that I bought her- I was so sure at the time that I bought the wedding band with it.   I even bought her diamond earrings and a necklace and wrote inside the boxes (to be worn on our wedding day).  I gave her the necklace and earrings 14 months ago.  She has them still today.   One push/pull episode about 11 months ago, she gave them back to me, but later asked for them back .   Part of me is glad that she has kept them, as I hope she feels hurt when she looks at them knowing the hurt she has caused me ( I know that is not healthy to think that way).

Thanks for listening.  Weekends seem to be the toughest to get through... .

[In_n_Out]

Thinking about it, my exgf used a lot of texting/emails when it came to "serious" talk.  I think that's because while we were dating, she would kneel in front of me and put her hands on my knees and try to explain things to me but at the time, all that I heard was "you aren't doing this right and you should be doing this and you don't listen".  I would get very quiet and try to listen and then when I did speak, it was in a very calm, monotone voice and that drove her absolutely bat-crazy.  Now I know why.  She later just went to texts and emails but that may be because I switched to that primarily myself.

I now understand what was going on with her when we would have our "talks".  That is, now that I know about BPD. She was *trying* to explain the emotions that she was feeling about something (usually sorrow or anxiety) and when I sat there stone faced she read that as invalidating of those emotions (because I didn't show the emotion that I cared) and then my monotone voice confirmed it (in her mind).  That was 99% of why we would have arguments in the past.

So back to you; perhaps yours feels the same frustration and invalidation when trying to communicate with you verbally and thus to lessen her pain of dealing with having to do that, she's using text messages to *try* and get her thoughts across.

And you hit on something when you talk about holding her.  The act of doing that validates her emotions to her and by holding her it helps to bring them back to an emotional baseline.  Hugging/holding is *critical* to survival with my (ex)gf (I don't know what we are right now so I can't define it with a label accurately at the moment). 

Are you two still texting or seeing one another at all? 

[Take2]

Cali... . yes, my ex has been doing the same thing for well over a year now... . constant break ups and then expressing love to me all over text.  He will refuse to speak to me in person... . he will stomp away in anger and then send me like 35 texts in a row to tell me all the countless ways I have disrespected him and how I don't deserve him.  It could be the same day, the next day or days later - he will tell me he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone.  It all black or white.  Right now for me, it's 99% black.  But it took a very long time to get to this point.  I do believe that each of his past r/s went this exact same way (having known him during a couple of those r/s... . which of course he was lying to me about... . and now he's lying to his new gf about me and what my r/s with him was like... . )

I'm not trying to sway you one way or another as this is the undecided board.  Actually it's not clear if you are still with her.  Maybe you don't even know - that too seems to be very common.  Honestly, I didn't know the status of my r/s with my ex probably 80% over the past 4 years that we have "been together".  It does not get better - at least not with my ex.  You can read on the staying board others who have managed to make their r/s work and have success with the tools.

But as we are all different, our BPD partners are all different as well - despite the many common similarities.

Every day is hard still.  Hugs to you... .

[cali5]

Thanks for your insights and thoughts.   Officially we are not together right now.   She sent me a text about a month ago saying she gave it a lot of thought and that we are just not compatible and that I need to respect her decision and not respond to the text.  So I didn't.  And 2 weeks ago she texted me on a Saturday night basically saying Hope you are doing well.   I quickly deleted that text and didn't respond.  My heart still holds her close, and my mind is really tired of the mental games she has thrown my way.  I have made up my mind that I will not respond to any future texts from her (if she does at all) as I believe I deserve an actual conversation with her - for closure at the least.  I know that with time, it will get easier, but being that I moved to her city, there are too many reminders of her everywhere. 

[kfifd196]

WOW... . This is exactly my situation!  Every argument began in a Text!  I loathed opening texts from my wife, at times, ESPECIALLY if she said, "Can I ask you something?"  That would make me want to run for the hills!  We exchanged over 30,000 text messages ALONE during One and a Half Years!  That doesn't include Facebook messages, emails, etc... . and there were a lot of them.  Yet, she didn't think she was needy... . God forbid I didn't answer her right away or it wasn't crystal clear what I was saying, there was hell to pay, in the way of a huge text "conversation\argument" which usually ended with her shutting me down. 

Today is our 1 year wedding anniversary and we are getting divorced... . She filed 2 months ago and that was after another text argument.  She notified me via text, about the divorce, as well. 

Now she's painted me black and is out for blood!  Even wanted the constable to call her and let her know my reaction, when he served the divorce papers.  COLD!  She filed a false restraining order against me last week.  We've been in no contact now, for a week and have a 10 month old daughter. 

The beginning of our relationship was like a fairytale, absolutely amazing!   People are shocked we're getting divorced... . Just last month, she was professing her love for me on Facebook, about how I was the "Greatest Husband and Father" and how grateful she was for me, her soulmate.  Now, I am the Anti-Christ.  I wonder if she will recycle and want me again or love me again... . She says now, she regrets ever knowing me and hates me!  Looking back, there were several not so severe arguments, where she said she was done with "us", but within hours or days, I was the best thing since sliced bread!  Now, it's been a month of pure hatred.  Do you think she'll be back?

[Take2]

Kfifd196... . yes she will probably be back.  Of course everyone is different and all that.  But based on my experience,  I'd say she will be back but it will be worse each time you let back in so think long and hard about whether or not that is something you really want to endure... .

[kfifd196]

Thank you... . I'm filled with so much hurt right now, as if the rug was pulled out from under me.  I want to reconcile so bad, but I just found out, she will only drop the (FALSE) Temporary Restraining Order against me, if I don't bring up reconciling again.  I know in MOST NORMAL (and I don't mean that as a dig to BPD's) circumstances, that would mean the person is most likely truly done, but in the case of BPD's, I keep hearing of recycling and was wondering if this would be different.  I really hope she'll be back, but she seems so hurt, due to finding 5 porn pictures on the laptop, that my co-workers put on as a joke.

[Take2]

I know how much it hurts... . trust me I do... . I am glad you are here and hope you can find some peace.  It's truly such an awful place to be in.   I know how badly you want it to be good again. ... but try and focus on yourself and being strong for your baby... .

Together or not it's going to take a lot of work for that kiddo... . and your daughter needs you for guidance. ...  

No one deserves a false restraining order or to be painted black.

All you can really do is be strong and take care of you... .