Separation from in-law's family

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It took 24 years to finally realize that my husband and I needed to separate from his mother and sister. Patterns of behavior emerged over the many years of our marriage from a complete lack of empathy about losses in my family, what was going on with our children, etc. to a continual justification of not being involved in our lives, including those of our 3 growing children.  There would always be something more important that she needed to do rather than babysit for our kids, go to their events, or come over for dinner.  The straw that finally broke the camel's back was a situation 4 years ago with my oldest son where she simply couldn't take any responsibility for her actions after hurting my son.  In trying to "apologize" she went on a complete rant that went all the way to Hitler and Germany.  At a similar time, my sister-in-law who my husband and I were very close to, began to criticize us for having issues with her mother.  To her, we were never justified in our hurt, disappointment, or anger.  She and her husband came over to our house 3 years ago and for 2 solid hours told us how we were horrible people.  It was so painful.  As they slowly enabled my mother-in-law's behavior, they slowly over time began to adopt it.  There was never any remorse expressed after this incident.  It became clear to me after too many years of hurt, disappointment, and continual blame for everything wrong in our family that we needed to separate from both of them. They both live within 2 miles of our house but now there is no contact.  This has been an exceedingly painful experience for us and confusing for our children, who while they are now adults, they see through my mother-in-law and her excuses.  About 2 months ago I came across literature on narcissistic personality disorder and the puzzle pieces starting coming together.  Not only am I convinced that my mother-in-law has NPD and my sister-in-law has been a total enabler over the years but my decision for no contact was the best one to make, as painful as it was and still is.  I am convinced that nothing will ever change as she's incapable of taking accountability for any of her actions.  Will the hurt at some point subside?  Will our no contact just become a new normal?

[imhurting]

It took 24 years to finally realize that my husband and I needed to separate from his mother and sister. Patterns of behavior emerged over the many years of our marriage from a complete lack of empathy about losses in my family, what was going on with our children, etc. to a continual justification of not being involved in our lives, including those of our 3 growing children.  There would always be something more important that she needed to do rather than babysit for our kids, go to their events, or come over for dinner.  The straw that finally broke the camel's back was a situation 4 years ago with my oldest son where she simply couldn't take any responsibility for her actions after hurting my son.  In trying to "apologize" she went on a complete rant that went all the way to Hitler and Germany.  At a similar time, my sister-in-law who my husband and I were very close to, began to criticize us for having issues with her mother.  To her, we were never justified in our hurt, disappointment, or anger.  She and her husband came over to our house 3 years ago and for 2 solid hours told us how we were horrible people.  It was so painful.  As they slowly enabled my mother-in-law's behavior, they slowly over time began to adopt it.  There was never any remorse expressed after this incident.  It became clear to me after too many years of hurt, disappointment, and continual blame for everything wrong in our family that we needed to separate from both of them. They both live within 2 miles of our house but now there is no contact.  This has been an exceedingly painful experience for us and confusing for our children, who while they are now adults, they see through my mother-in-law and her excuses.  About 2 months ago I came across literature on narcissistic personality disorder and the puzzle pieces starting coming together.  Not only am I convinced that my mother-in-law has NPD and my sister-in-law has been a total enabler over the years but my decision for no contact was the best one to make, as painful as it was and still is.  I am convinced that nothing will ever change as she's incapable of taking accountability for any of her actions.  Will the hurt at some point subside?  Will our no contact just become a new normal?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  You will find that several people will be able to relate to your situation and that many will be able to relate to the emotions involved.  I am glad you posted as these situations can be so difficult and painful.

Will the hurt at some point subside?  Will our no contact just become a new normal?

The hurt will lessen over time and you will adjust over time.  I am not sure the hurt will completely disappear as there will always be a void left but it dos not have to be a sharp hurt... .more of an ache if that makes sense and certainly not something that will always be present.  You will learn ways to cope with it. 

Have you had no contact for 4 years now?  Since you live so close to them do you ever run into them when you are out?  If so, how are you managing with that?

I hope you share more and settle in and read and jump into other posts here as we are a peer support group.  We strategize, sympathize and some times even laugh our way through together.

Welcome!   

[imhurting]

Essentially the no contact has been going on for about 14 months or so.  Interestingly enough I have yet to run into my mother-in-law and have only seen my sister-in-law from a distance a few times.  One challenge, among many others, is the relationship my husband and I have with my sister-in-law's children.  We've always been very close and have made it very clear to them that we still care deeply for them but will never put any pressure on them.  We're not going to turn them against either their parents or their grandmother.  They're in a hard position and we understand that. The loss of the real relationship was with my sister-in-law was significant as we used to be like sisters.  The loss of the relationship with my mother-in-law was more a loss over an ideal and not over what was.  I'm convinced she has NPD so has never shown us any empathy, even through my loss with my sister as well as my mother, as well as anything else that has happened in our lives.  Both her daughter and boyfriend (nearly husband as they've been together for 18 years) have enabled her.  I do believe that there will come a point in time where they'll put these puzzle pieces together for themselves and while I don't believe she's used them as scapegoats or her victims, as we've been used, they can't help but notice over time her negativity, her putting people down all the time, her focus always on her self and her lack of accountability.  I wish this time would come sooner rather than later as maybe at that time they'll come back to us and say, wow, you knew something we didn't, we turned on you and we're sorry.  While we have very close relationships with my family, the lack of relationships with my husband's family, even when we never had a strong one with his mother, is a lonely feeling.

[Harri]

It is hard when the other family members either get caught up in the drama or are an unwitting part of it.  It is a common theme around here that siblings and spouses 'take sides' in these difficult relationships. 

It is helpful to think of the family as a system and each part serves a function that keeps balance within the system.  One part doing something different, like you and your husband breaking contact or even just saying no, throws the system out of whack and the rest of the parts will work hard to get things to go back to normal.  If your MILs BF has been with her for 18 years the chances of him seeing anything is slim.  Possibly the same with your SIL.

I am not saying that to discourage you but I do think having realistic expectations is important.  Think of it this way.  It took you and your husband 24 years to see and to make changes.  It may take your SIL and the BF a lot longer or they may never.

I used to wish that my brother and father would come to see the light about my mom and acknowledge and even apologize to me for getting so angry when I broke away.  It was a while before I understood that everyone has their own time table and the right to reach their own conclusions regardless of what I wanted.

Again, I am not saying that to discourage you.  I understand all too well wanting them to come to you and to have your SIL back.  It is lonely and it hurts.  Can you make peace with the idea that that may never happen?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi imhurting, 

Your name says it, that you are hurting, and I am sorry for the loss that has caused your grief.   None of this is ever easy, is it? I definitely see that you have taken some good steps to have healthy boundaries and that you are working at keeping you and your family safe. Kudos! 

Do you find yourself feeling even more sad now that the holdays are nearing? So many of us feel extra lost and lonely during these months of the year. What do you expect the holidays to be like for you?

 
Wools

[imhurting]

Thank you Woolspinner and Harri for your responses.  I wish that I could say my pain is due to the upcoming holidays.  For me, this break (1 1/2 years old) is still fresh and very raw for me and it's a constant dull pain.  It doesn't ever actually go away but often I'm just able to push it back deeper in my mind.  I've had a lot of experience managing my expectations, especially with my MIL, so I don't have any unrealistic expectations that either my MIL's BF or my SIL will come around anytime soon. As my husband's family is so disconnected, with a younger sister who barely participates, so my SIL and MIL has just taken on the BF's family, 3 kids who are now having their own kids.  I think that my SIL is thinking that her mother's BF's family is taking the place of her own.  Maybe they're the substitutes she needs.  I think my MIL is thinking the same but in time without having us around to blame and use as a scapegoat, the relationships she's developing with her BF's children and their kids will become conflictual, as all relationships are for her. I digress though and know that I need to just focus on my family and healing the break from my husband's family that became so toxic to us.  Thank you for standing up and monitoring this forum for people hurting to share with others who understand!  I share this difficult situation with very few people as I don't want to burden people and truthfully don't think they'll understand.

[Harri]

Hi again. I am sorry to hear the pain is still so present.   You are not alone in that, though I am not sure how much comfort that is.   

We really do get it here and we all support each other and pass it on so *thank you* for speaking to us and with us.  We all work together.