BPD drug dealing son arrested

[Parents! Get help here!]

DS just called from jail. He was speeding and got pulled over with 5 pounds of weed and one pound of cocaine in the car. He has no driver's license. The plates on the car belong to my enabling husband so now he is in trouble too. Son goes to court in 6 days. I have something planned for H birthday then. I have no intention of driving 3 hours each way to visit or go to court with DS. These are the consequences of his actions. He ran away from a great rehab opportunity in California last month. Now he can go to court mandated rehab. I hope.

[FaithHopeLove]

DS just called from jail. He was speeding and got pulled over with 5 pounds of weed and one pound of cocaine in the car. He has no driver's license. The plates on the car belong to my enabling husband so now he is in trouble too. Son goes to court in 6 days. I have something planned for H birthday then. I have no intention of driving 3 hours each way to visit or go to court with DS. These are the consequences of his actions. He ran away from a great rehab opportunity in California last month. Now he can go to court mandated rehab. I hope.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[I Am Redeemed]

Oh, Faith, I am so sorry. You are right, these are the consequences of his decision to skip out on rehab and return to this lifestyle, but I know it is hard for you to see him do this.

How much trouble will your husband be in for this? Maybe this will be a wake-up call for him to stop enabling.

Hopefully, the court will order him to some kind of drug treatment. Is this his first offense of this magnitude? What could he face if rehab is not offered by the court?

I will pray for you and your family.

Redeemed

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks for your prayers Redeemed. My hope is the same, that my son will be ordered into rehab and my hisband will stop enabling. Time to wake up. This is his first arrest for drugs. I hope it will be his last.

[GaGrl]

I am so sory! When he backed off the last opportunity, I was afraid he wasn't there yet. Maybe the consequences this time will match his level of need to reach beyond himself.

[FaithHopeLove]

That is my hope too Gagrl. I keep waiting for him to "hit bottom" as the 12 steppers say knowing I have no control over his process. I keep telling myself this is his chosen journey. I am also very angry. His father and I are retired law enforcement officers for crying out loud plus cocaine f-ing kills people. I feel like our son has disgraced the family. It's not his fault he has BPD but it is his fault that he is a drug dealer. I pray he turns his life around. It is all I can do.

[Harri]

Faith, I too am sorry this is happening and I pray this will be the much needed wake up call.

 

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks Harri
Dang. I have been through a lot with this kid!

[Longterm]

Hi Faith.

I'm sorry to hear this recent update 

  Dang. I have been through a lot with this kid!

  I have something planned for H birthday then. I have no intention of driving 3 hours each way to visit or go to court with DS.

Neither should You, you didn't cause this problem. I hope you and H have a good time.

LT.

[PeaceMom]

Faith,
I’m so sorry but I see this as an opportunity for change. I’m thankful that you had nothing to do with any of this so the blame game will be harder for DS to play here.

You will feel anger, but now is the time to use all your validation skills if you write him letters or speak with him with none of the “I told you so” talk. 

My eldest son had his first manic break in college and did some odd, impulsive, first time behavior and was caught selling weed. He had to go to a jail-type program for 3 months. We did everything wrong as parents. We guilted and shamed him, never validating how terrified he was. (In our defense we were a few states away and in shock about the whole thing-we had never heard of BP, never knew he even drank alcohol).

Our response was more damaging to his MH than the arrest and the jail. It brings tears now thinking back about our responses.

The fact you are both retired law enforcement, makes it hard for you to accept his blatant disregard of obvious laws and consequences, but addiction and MH issues override all that.

Feel your feelings, as they say, Faith. Hugs,
Peacemom

[FaithHopeLove]

You are right, Peacemom. This is not the time to shame him. I will stick to using this group as my safe space to vent and talk about my anger. He has been charged with trafficking, not just possession, and the amount of drugs is considerable so it is likely he is in for a substantial prison sentence. Our hope now is that he will use this as an opportunity to examine himself and make positive changes and live a better life after he gets out. I feel angry and sad.

[Swimmy55]

Hi Faith,
Stay strong and stick to your first instinct of not driving 3 hours out of the way for DS.  It is very sad for him that he had an opportunity to seek help before he got in trouble, but he just wasn't ready yet.  Now he forced to deal with his issues.  You have every right to your anger.    Anger provides raw energy.  Can you channel some of it to empower yourself through this latest trial? We are here with you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Jails. Institutions. Death.
I am so sorry that the follow up to your son not being ready to go to rehab. is as the 12 steppers always talk about.  That's where we are today, and likely, where we will be while God works in your son's life to help him do for himself what he wasn't willing or able to do without this (if and when your son cries out to Him).  He will hopefully be able to get clean where he is, and for the time being.  This is my most sincere hope for him.  For you, I am so sorry you have to watch, see and accept his circumstances.  I am truly so sorry.
I see you being there for so many of us, and at least for me, I am truly grateful that you keep telling me "hands off" my daughter's situations and circumstances.  I haven't told you that you have been my rock so many times, but you have been.  I am here for you, too. 

[PeaceMom]

Faith,
My brain is foggy this morning, but I’ve read tons of research in the past and remember something like “jail can be an excellent rehab” -this came from experts. So we will hold a space for you and will be hopeful for you while you process your anger, dismay, confusion and sadness. We got ya. Hopefully, you can do something really nice for yourself this weekend.

[PeaceMom]

Also, this just occurred to me thinking back when my DS was in trouble. I so wish I would have had 4 or 5 preprinted notecards nearby with validating, prepared statements bc I received many unexpected frantic calls that set me off and blew my anxiety thru the roof. 

Maybe your DH could do something like that too, have validating statements ready w/o the rescuing or enabling part.

Do you think this might be helpful?

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks to all of you for your ongoing love and support. I am taking very good care of myself. In less than a week I leave for Africa where I will spend 3 months teaching. So "space" is built in to the situation.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you for your kind words, LOTR. I appreciate you. Thank you for your suggestion PeaceMom. I will consider it. I hope jail does prove to be excellent rehab. I almost feel like my son asked to get arrested.

[wendydarling]

Hi Faith

I too am sorry, you've been through the ringer with your DS, dang indeed and I admire how you have stood firm as you've gently worked your way through, it ain't easy  ! It's like you say this is his process, it is painful to watch.

I almost feel like my son asked to get arrested.

I get you, I guess it was a matter of time before DS got busted and perhaps now than in years to come is the 'opportunity' where he can't run.

Hugs to you Faith across the ocean.

WDx

[livednlearned]

I almost feel like my son asked to get arrested.

I wondered the same thing, too FaithHopeLove.

Like he could not contain himself, so he sought a place that would.

Your strength to take care of yourself through all of this is inspiring to me.

[MomSA]

Hi Faith

I haven't been here for a while so I was deeply saddened to hear about this. However, you seem to have been able to see what are his consequences and not take it on yourself.

I will keep you, and him, in my prayers.

[StressedOutDaily]

Faith,

I have not been reading posts for awhile, I am so sad to hear of this turn of events.  I don't have any advise or wise words.  I am keeping you and yours in my prayers.

~SOD

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks SOD. I have accepted this new reality and keep hoping it will eventually lead to something good.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Thanks SOD. I have accepted this new reality and keep hoping it will eventually lead to something good.

Joining others in prayers for your family. This is a very painful reality you have to accept here and my heart goes out to you.  May the Lord make something good of the bad we can only see at this point.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks LOTR

[Lollypop]

Hi Faith

I’m sorry.

Facing a new reality is so hard Faith. I got my own hopes up a little bit have had the rug take up from under me too. I’m posting separately about it.

There’s nothing we can do but continue to carry on with our own lives. Life’s just not giving us what we’d hoped for. I’m sad and angry too (my stomach churns as I write that).

I’m glad you’re away doing what you feel is important to you, something that will feel positive for others and, of course, in turn for you too. I need to work out what my next step is.

Hugs

LP