Are obstinance and defiance a symptom of BPD or is my 19D testing limits?

[Minttea]

  Our now 19yo has just recently become extremely difficult to deal with. We had agreed that she would get $20 “allowance “ if she did her laundry weekly and kept her room somewhat tidy.
  In the past month or so, she has stopped doing her laundry and continues to leave dirty dishes, etc in her room. She wants to take a bus out of town this weekend to see her boyfriend and when I told her that we would pay for half ($50) if she met these conditions for 2 weeks, she outright said “no”. She finally took a load of laundry downstairs yesterday and figures that’s worth $20.
  I digress, but we are getting so fed up with this behaviour. Our daughter had previously been easy to get along with, but lately is openly defiant and becoming disrespectful. She was dx with BPD in January after almost 2 years of therapy and antidepressants. She left school towards the need of grade 11 and has not managed to continue studies at an alternative school and has never had a job.
  My question is, is this the normal progression of BPD? She recently stopped all her med, including birth control and iron pills, and refuses to participate in DBT .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Do you think stopping the meds is part of her change in behavior?

I don't know that there is a normal progression of BPD ... although I have noticed with SD22 that big life transitions seem to cause bigger dysregulations and needier behavior.

Has your daughter had this BF for a while?

[Minttea]

Our daughter is probably best described as a ‘quiet’ bpd. Unfortunately our family does not express themselves very well. As an example, when me and my husband have a disagreement we stop talking for a day or so. Very unhealthy, I know.
The funny thing is we were thinking the meds made no difference to her, but perhaps it was doing something after all?
I have been trying to find information on the progression of BPD with age but I can could find as the possibility of a decrease of symptoms with maturity.
It may be her involvement with this new boyfriend, he is troubled as well but does not seem to have the same support.

[livednlearned]

I wonder if this older thread might be useful?

It's about the challenges of disciplining a teen with BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230259.msg12470595#msg12470595

[PeaceMom]

When my DD19 uBpd abruptly stops her medication there is always fallout. The psych meds are extremely powerful drugs and finally doctors are listening to their patients about the horrible withdrawal side effects. Low and slow is how to taper and under doctor’s supervision. Not that my child follows that advice!

[Minttea]

Thank you livednlearned, that thread has a lot of useful information. I think I’m struggling in particular because I’m a people pleaser and hate conflict and confrontation. I’ve only recently realized how this creates a real problem when it comes to disciplining our daughter. I am seeing a new therapist and will be addressing this with her in my next appointment.
Because DD19 was relatively easy to parent until 17, it’s been very difficult for me to understand who she is now. I often tell my friends that I don’t know who this person is and that she is not the child I raised. I’m still struggling with the basics of validation I’m afraid, partly because I don’t know where we went wrong in raising her and I’m feeling a lot of resentment towards her. We have a long way to go and I have much to learn.

[FaithHopeLove]

You may not have done anything wrong at all in raising your daughter. BPD has a strong biological component. It's not all about upbringing. You are obviously a loving parent and I am sure you did your best so please don't blame yourself. It is great that you are in therapy and learning about yourself. The stronger you ger the more able you will be to help your daughter.

[Evolving Mom]

I don't know whether this is a symptom of BPD or just testing limits, but our kids sound so similar. My daughter does the same sort of thing with earning money and dropped out of school as a senior. She's never had a job either.  I was thinking back today about how the Love and Logic classes my friends raved about never worked on her. There definitely seems to be a common threat between our kids. My daughter is 18.

[livednlearned]

DD19 was relatively easy to parent until 17

Do you feel something might've happened to her at 17?

[Minttea]

  We are not aware of anything specific that has happened in our daughter’s life at 17. She seemed ‘normal’ in junior high but was nervous abt starting high school, her best friend and boyfriend were going to a different high school than she was after spending 3 years with them.
   I don’t know if DD is low or high functioning..she stopped going to school the end of grade 11 and has never had a job, but doesn’t want to engage in therapy. She doesn’t seem to want to be independent from us but is not happy with her life as it is.
   How do you know what they are capable of when they refuse to set any goals for themselves? We’re having problems setting limits when she has nothing left to lose. At what point do you insist that your child participates in a life skills program etc if they are unwilling/ unable to do it?