Anxiety Attack, but still in the game

[Riverrat]

Hi!

First off, let me say a giant 'Thank You' to everyone that came to my aid during my recent dBPDgf attack on me. Those outside our world will never understand how they can dis regulate so strongly and then flip back.

It did cause a major problem for her by my calling the authorities, but with practice from you guys, I was able to SET and explain my position, without JADE. I believe she actually saw that I reinforced my boundary, and that her rage and attack was her fault. I stressed that physical contact with me was not acceptable.

She has not blamed me, or done anything to retaliate. I even stated that I didn't know what her intentions for me were when she was raging, and she literally chased me down the driveway. I WAS concerned over what she might do next, to harm either her or myself. 

We had dinner last night, and she wants to stay at her place during the week to concentrate on work, get rest, and think things through. She wants to come and stay weekends with me and our dog. She thanked me item by item for all I had done for her, and asked for my continued friendship and support.

She just needs a break, as I probably do as well, and said she can't handle a bf right now, but later said that she doesn't want to see other people and we'll just see what happens.

It kinda sounds like push-pull? It's been a rough week and we both need a bit of space. The county has picked up her DV case, and if the charges are not dropped by them--she could do prison, because of her priors.

Amazing that when I did exactly the right thing, there are still dire consequences. I had previously documented her condition, and calmly filed a report when she raged and attacked me.

On an AWESOME note--She did schedule a T appt. on her own! Perhaps this rage made her realize what is going on, and how violent her reaction was. So hoping for the best from all this. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Riverrat]

For some reason, I really felt bad all night after dinner with her. Couldn't sleep, and started to freak out over everything. Yes, I put WAAAY to much of our limited funds into lawyers, treatments, everything.  Now all my bills are way past due and people are threatening action. I'm scared of eviction and loosing my tools and toys, but tried to call everyone today and advise them of the sitch.

I guess I am sad that she won't be staying here, but it was stressed when she was here a lot, so don't know why that is. She goes on the road May1 for work anyway, and will be gone all summer, just back for a day or two here and there.

And actually, she would have been gone last month if not for DUI court matters.

Don't know why I had a panic attack this AM. This is normal BPD behavior, and to be honest, I AM surprised she didn't just dump me and go her own way. For some reason, she didn't paint me black after her arrest. Any thoughts?

[Rapt Reader]

I guess I am sad that she won't be staying here, but it was stressed when she was here a lot, so don't know why that is. She goes on the road May1 for work anyway, and will be gone all summer, just back for a day or two here and there.

I'm sorry for your sadness, Riverrat, and also for all the financial troubles that you are having as the result of your girlfriend's troublesome behaviors... .It's great that her homecoming (to her Mom's or her own place, right?) hasn't resulted in her blaming you or causing you other problems, but I think that you guy's having some time apart is probably just what you need to figure this whole thing out.

Some time for her to reflect, and time for you to do so as well. I think that during that time apart it would be cool if you read up on BPD and relationships (on this site, and in books... .Have you ever read "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning? Or, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger?).

Without the pressure and stress of having to deal with her and your relationship in person, I think it would be really helpful to take this time for you, and getting your stuff straightened out. And we're always here for you, too, Riverrat, to bounce ideas and thoughts off of... .Your time away from the tangle of BPD right there before you every day will be pretty refreshing and eye-opening for you, I think. And whatever you figure out could make your life better, in the end   

[babyducks]

Don't know why I had a panic attack this AM. This is normal BPD behavior, and to be honest, I AM surprised she didn't just dump me and go her own way. For some reason, she didn't paint me black after her arrest. Any thoughts?

Hi River 

Yup a couple of thoughts.   I think this is perfectly normal.   Actually I think you were 'due' for some kind of fall out.

I've experienced violence in my relationship with my partner.   It's a trauma.   YOU have experienced a trauma.

Reading your posts, the thought occurred to me that you have been very focused on your gf, and your relationship.   Which is normal, that is what this site is all about.   

Please don't disregard that fact that you have been the victim of a violent act.   Yes, I get that you are a tough guy.   However it is undeniable that this was an assault.   Some one who should have been safe for you,  in a place where you should be able to feel safe and relax, suddenly wasn't.

That has consequences for you.  Even if you work your way through it intellectually and understand what drove her behavior and your response, your body is still going to react in its own ways.  Adrenaline will surge,  shock will come and go.   There is no way to avoid a physical reaction to a physical violent act.   

In the aftermath while she isn't physically there, the focus naturally will turn to yourself,  what you have been through, what you have given up, the position you now find yourself in.

Rapt Reader said

, I think it would be really helpful to take this time for you, and getting your stuff straightened out.

and I think that's an excellent suggestion.   

My thought is this isn't about her, her reaction and not painting you black.   This is about you and your feelings.   Perhaps it's time to get in touch with some of what you have going on?

'ducks

[zundertowz]

Anxiety attacks is the main reason I left and the main reason im comfortable staying away!

[Riverrat]

Thanks 'ducks!

Good common sense as always. Yes I'm so wounded that even walking into our apt. seems to conjure up feelings and cause anxiety.

She is coming by later today to hang out and get some of her things. Indicated she will probably stay overnight with me and the dog.

So, I just want to make it a nice comfortable relaxing time for us. However, I can't help but feel a bunch of anxiety creeping up on me. probably on her as well, but she is meeting with her T this morning, so that may relax her a bit.

Rapt,  Yes I've been reading all I can online, along with SWOE. Even spent time at the bookstore browsing the BPD section.

I have a ton of issues to settle in my life, and I have to honestly say that my r/s with her has caused me to take a long look at many of them. I will be working on myself, both now and in the near future when she is on the road.

Sidenote--Just read Cosmonaut's post on Bassoutcasts thread. He really sums up pwBPD's feelings in one post. Check it out!

Thanks again!

Rat

[Grey Kitty]

  Do keep focusing on yourself and your feelings. Even if you don't get anxiety attacks, you may find some other intense stuff coming up. You have been through quite a lot, and probably have more coming.

I'm glad she isn't blaming you over the police involvement. that is a very good sign on her part. However... .don't let yourself be blindsided if she somehow forgets/changes her mind later.

And if she does come over... .and you find yourself being attacked again (hopefully only verbally!)... .or just find yourself being upset/anxious/fearful... .it is OK to ask her to leave, or to take space on short notice... .before it gets as bad as last time.

OK... .enuf about her for now   Take good care of yourself!

[Riverrat]

Oh Yeah!

While we had a nice evening Saturday, something changed early Sunday, after a good nights sleep and I made breakfast.

She became very uncomfortable, very quiet, and even sent me a way. She started loading her car with a few things, and ended up taking everything, except for any gifts she had received from myself or my family.

She did leave the dog, as she is not allowed one at her place. But to take everything else, loading up nearly in tears. I asked if she wanted help, which she denied, so I said I needed to run an errand. She kept asking where I was going, then accused me of lying. I finally told her it was killing me watching her load. She felt better then.

So she's gone again. We had plans for next weekend, and I asked her to text me about them. She didn't answer.

I guess my option here is NC for another week. We have 'wasted' so many weeks of our winter break due to her actions.

I had hoped she might put last week behind us, but I guess she had other plans.

So I sit here alone again, questioning her motives, my commitment, wondering if this will ever change.

She DID go back and see her T on Saturday, at her Moms and probation officers urging, but couldn't help wondering if it was just to help her court case.

Awk! I'm a mess again, but will work on straughtening out my life in the AM.

Grey Kitty: Everything you stated is true--did happen. Thanks for the warning.

She hasn't blamed me for calling police, just wishes I didn't do it. I think she understands why I had to do it. Yes, that could very well change later-or during a rage.

[Grey Kitty]

  Sounds really tough. I remember how emotional my reaction was when my wife moved her stuff out on me finally.

I'm glad she managed to keep calm and not be abusive when she packed out. That is *some* progress for her.

... .what is next for you?

Given her BPD, it is not at all unlikely that she will want to reconnect with you as if nothing ever came between the two of you sometime soon... .but absolutely not certain. She could be completely done.

Give yourself time to feel.

Do you have any friends or family that are safe to talk to about how crazy she is / how weirdly she is treating you? The kind who can just listen without judging or telling you what you 'need' to do next? If you do, spend some time with them!

[Riverrat]

Yes, while it's overwhelming here--no job, debt load (She left $4 in my checking account) Wait! That's not fair--I kept helping with her classes, food, lawyer, etc. My fault on letting her use the money.

But being in the empty house, and no contact after all we've been through. Really Serks!

Working on me today--catching up on errands, job search, and calling family & friends. Had a nice talk with my best friend. He is glad she is finally gone, but understands the relationship, and is learning about BPD as well.

Also met with my T this morning. His best advise was to "compartmentalize" my life--concentrate one thing at a time. Job search, working with creditors, even time for thinking and crying about SO. Really great advice.

Still, can't help but wondering where this is all going... .I've led a good life-raised foster kids and all, why is God handing me this? All part of the grand plan I guess!

Rat

[Riverrat]

Yikes!

Wandering around in the half empty place is kinda getting to me.

Looking forward to starting my new job soon, but keeping busy in the meantime.

Couldn't hardly get outta bed this AM, guess feeling kinda depressed.

Watched a fav TV show last night.

Middle of the night woke up with feeling that SO was crying. She does that sometimes, but she's at her place 5 miles away. Even gave me a shiver when I realized she's not here, and I felt this. Kinda Eerie. Maybe the dog made a noise or something... . but really freaked me out.

Working on ME today--getting my  life back in order, best as I can anyway.

[babyducks]

Good Morning River

Sorry to hear you are struggling with this.  I know how tough it is.  In my relationship, two years ago yesterday as a matter of fact, there was a violent episode.  It is too much to go in to here and I don't want to hijack your thread.   Suffice to say I ended up with a broken hand which required surgery to repair, 4 screws and a plate.

The violent episode started with a circular argument that spiraled out of control, and neither one of us could get the brakes on in time.  I am equally at fault.  I know it was also my responsibility to stop arguments like that before they got out of control.

The immediate aftermath was very focused on surgery and doctors visits, and physical therapy so I could regain use of the two most compromised fingers.  Which I did.   But then there was a long lull while I was healing and waiting for the bones to knit.

My partner and I were not in contact during this time.   We couldn't be.   We were BOTH too emotionally raw.  I was hurt, confused and felt betrayed.   Then I knew very little about BPD.  And not so much about myself and why I reacted the way I did to her.

Like you said keeping busy is very important.   It helps if you don't ruminate.   Good luck with that.   I never learned how.   I did take very long walks.  Almost every day.

Eventually my partner and I did find our way back together.  It was extremely difficult.   During this time, while I was dealing with the fallout from our argument i.e. the broken bones, she was dealing with an emotional overload that caused her to disassociate so badly she looked quite frankly psychotic on several occasions.  It took over a year before we could speak in any significant way.   

In that year, I did what you are doing.   Worked on myself.  Learned my role in what when wrong in the relationship.   Accepted that I needed to do emotional work myself and lots of it.   Coping with the fact that the relationship I thought was so wonderful was in fact deeply flawed created a lot of grieving.  I was a wreck for a very long time.  My therapist was a life saver.

I also focused, for the first time in years, on my physical health.  And thank God I did.  Eating better, exercising a little more.  Trying to manage my stress level.   And learning how to say the magic words, "No, I won't help you with that."

It took time.  Much more time than I thought it would.  Two years later I can say I am mostly beyond it.   My partner and I are rebuilding our relationship, much to the dismay of many who know us.   We do not talk a lot what happened two years ago, other than to acknowledge what happened, how difficult it was and how far we have come.

I have been fortunate that my partner has been willing to work on herself.  She is in therapy and has been making unbelievable strides, is religious about medication, and is very dedicated to getting better. 

There is no quick fix.  This recovery has taken both of us a very long time.  We can never eradicate our past.   It will always be a sad part of our story.   

You are doing the right things.   Keep busy.   Find things to enjoy.   Take care of yourself.  Acknowledge this sucks.  Allow the feelings to surface.   Look at them, deal with them square on and then move on with the day.   That is the best you can do right now.

Hang in there River.   It will get better.  I can attest to that.

'ducks

[Riverrat]

Thanks 'ducks for your kind words and thoughts, as always. They are much appreciated.

I was doing some reading about my 'wounded' position as a non this morning, and it kinda scared me a little.

Also people that have been NC for many months and even years! Not that that is a bad thing, but the fact is they still have not moved on. That is some serious wounding. I will speak to my T about that next week for sure.

I've been in some tough r/s before, cheating, abandonment, etc,etc. but have usually healed enough to move on, either myself or with a new partner, after several months. Now I'm not only not sure of my r/s with my SO, but of my ability to recover from this experience.

It's almost 1 year to the date that we went from friends to dating. What a roller coaster ride it's been... .

[babyducks]

hi River,

I understand about the wounded position.  It is exactly like you described it.   I felt awfully confused,  hurt,  baffled, betrayed and terribly afraid.   My whole world had rocked so hard I felt like I was standing on Jello for a long time.

I know what you mean about some people being NC for many months and even years and still struggling to move on.   When I was first on these boards I was on the leaving board primarily because my partner and I were separated.   The hurt and anguish there sometimes became hard to read.

Way back on June 6, 2013 somebody wrote on the leaving board exactly this.  I liked it so much I wrote it down.  I didn't make a note of who said though.  I wish I did.

I now have a much greater ability to recognize my emotions.  And that is a gift from her.

I now have a much greater capacity for human connection.  That's a gift from her.

I received a great gift of becoming more human.

I wanted to sound like that.  I wanted to be able to say that and mean it.  I didn't want to be wounded like I was for ever.   It was quite a process and it went much differently than I thought it would.   It's still a process.   I am still recovering in that I am still learning. 

For me, in my experience, I really had to look at why this r/s rocked me so hard.   What was it about me, how I was wired, that kept me hanging in there and hanging on that hard.  That's some tough work.  It can't be rushed.  When the time is ripe, things unfold.     It's like the Tao says, when spring comes, the grass grows by itself.   You have those little moments of Oh #$% that's why I did that.

Healing will come.   Keep doing what you are doing and be gentle with yourself.

'ducks

[Grey Kitty]

I agree... . healing will happen on its own schedule.

It is possible to get stuck in a way that you make sure it won't happen. (I don't spend much time on the leaving board, partly because I get that feeling from quite a few of the wounded souls posting there.)

I did a bunch of my healing in an early stage where my r/s was intact and I stopped accepting abuse, and my wife stopped abusing me. (I make it sound easy--it wasn't--you could call it three years of hell)

My wife and I physically separated six months ago, with me believing our r/s was intact, but she started cheating within two days(!). We were still working on the r/s and uncertain what was going to happen in February this year, when the real split started.

I did a lot more processing the end of my r/s up to that time... . and another bunch after that. I'm feeling like I'm coming out into the light of day, finally in the last few weeks.

 Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to feel, and allow it to take as long as it will.

You will come out stronger, wiser, and happier!

[Riverrat]

Grey Kitty,

Well, you called that right. She texted today saying she was looking forward to coming over this weekend. Is it possible she forgot/put aside all that has happened? I don't know, and she didn't say.

I told her I'd get back to her, depending on my work schedule.  I know she wants to see the dog, and maybe spend time with me before she goes on the road (for work) next week.

I might let her come over for awhile, and see what happens. I'll have my exit and space plan in place, but thinking she will be calm after last weeks dysregulation.

[Grey Kitty]

Well, you called that right. She texted today saying she was looking forward to coming over this weekend. Is it possible she forgot/put aside all that has happened? I don't know, and she didn't say.

It is the nature of the beast (BPD) to go from one extreme to the other. Did she forget? Doubt it. Is she acting as if nothing happened? YES.

Will she swing back the other direction? Yes. And back. And forth. And back. And forth.

Until one of you decides to end the r/s permanently... .or until she's done a LOT of therapy/work on herself (think years, and expect her to be at least a volatile at the beginning of it!)

I told her I'd get back to her, depending on my work schedule.  I know she wants to see the dog, and maybe spend time with me before she goes on the road (for work) next week.

I might let her come over for awhile, and see what happens. I'll have my exit and space plan in place, but thinking she will be calm after last weeks dysregulation.

Do you see what you are doing here? You are deciding how you want to react to her latest swing here. Back up for a bit, and pause before working out the best way to react to her latest action.

You know what she is like, you know what range of things she can do, that it includes both painting you black / dysregulating and painting you white / love-bombing you. What do YOU want with somebody who WILL do both? A romantic r/s? A friendship? A safe distance?

Please put taking good care of yourself first, then work out what you want with her. 

[Riverrat]

Hi Grey,

Yes, as usual, you are correct. As I look back over my 10 year friendship with SO, This has been her life-back and forth. In the past I've been a spectator on the sidelines, supporting and cheering her on.

NOW with dating, I am on the field with her. It's a different game all together.

I HAVE given this much thought. Albeit, probably biased because of how I am feeling at this time.

I would never say that she is not my friend. We've been through a lot, and she has helped me with things through the years. So I guess that binds us together for now.

She has started therapy again, for whatever reason- to appease me, Mom, or look good in the courts, I dunno.

But, she leaves to go on the road for work in a week, so that will limit her sessions. She also won't be around-maybe once every 10 days.

It's never dull, as I read on another thread. What was supposed to be a relaxing winter break turned into breakups, fights, jail time for her, repeated court sessions, domestic violence, and overall mayhem. All at emotional, physical, and financial expense.

It truly is a wild rollercoaster ride! Somewhat ironic as SO works in the carnival industry. LoL.

I am not jumping back into this frying pan. I will allow her over, on the premise of seeing the dog, hanging out as friends, and giving us both someone to talk to. Having seen all this and done a lot of readings, I now know a lot more. Her love bombing will have limited effect on our friendship at this point.

I DO need more time to heal and sort all this out, and I will get that with her leaving next week for the summer. I'm just going to keep the peace in our friendship at this point.

Recognizing that we BOTH have an incredible amount of work to do if we are ever to have any type of a romantic r/s.

Thanks everyone!  I'll be careful. In fact, I have plans with a friend for tonight, so I'll even be away for a while this evening. And I am prepared to leave and give space, should any dysregulation occur.

Rat

[Grey Kitty]

OK... .well, I'm going to give you one more thing to look forward to in this friendship you want to resume with her, after being romantically involved... .as I've seen several members over the years try various versions of post-romantic friendships with their pwBPD.

This push-pull dynamic, painting you black, then painting you white, going away / going silent, then coming back, which really started to hit you when you got romantically involved with her... .

... .it won't stop if you try to be "just friends" with her. It won't even go back to the way it was prior to your romantic relationship... .at least as far as her behavior goes.

During the pull phases, she will be constantly in touch / all over your facebook wall, etc... .acting as if she's still in a r/s with you, or at least an emotional affair. This doesn't sound bad... .except that if you date somebody else, it will become an issue. If your new gf is extremely emotionally mature and not prone to jealousy, you may well be able to overcome the issue.

And there will be periods where she disappears / paints you black. (If she finds out you have a new gf, or have gone on a date, that is likely to be one of them!)

Moral of the story--you will need very strong boundaries to remain friends with her.

And let me say that I actually recommend you try it--building/testing your boundary skills that way will do you a world of good in so many other environments, not just romantic relationships.

With strong boundary skills, you can maintain your connection and friendship with her. I wish you the best. 

[Riverrat]

Thanks, Grey---

I am purposefully limiting our time together this weekend. Just testing the waters if you will. I KNOW nothing will change with her. At least not in the short haul.

BOTH of our actions today will make or break our future friendship. After a week of NC she is probably feeling some abandonment,  despite what she may have been up to.

FOG--I just want us to be in a communicative place when she leaves town next week. I know that's a lot to ask, but it makes the summer go easier for us both.

Ours is a unique relationship, with our work schedules, but our BPD and co-dependency just makes it all the more interesting.

[Grey Kitty]

Don't make it more important than it is.

If you cannot be friends, it is because you aren't compatible with her and/or she isn't with you... .what you say or do today or tomorrow will reflect that, not cause it.