Very scared I made the wrong decision

[blooming]

Hello everyone,

I spent a lot of time on this forum in January and the beginning of February, but then my uBPD ex started contacting me again and we dated from about halfway through Feb until last Wednesday. That time I spent on the Bettering a relationship/reversing a break-up forum, so it's been quite a while I posted here.

I don't know if you know my story yet, I've posted it here multiple times so I won't bore you with all the details again. In short: my ex and I were together for about a year consecutively, the first half year was amazing, but then the cracks started the show and he got more and more controlling and unpredictable in his anger (never hurt me physically, only with words). He broke up with me last November after I had been in hospital for a few days -> he couldn't handle that in top of his study (he started a masters degree last September which he is really stressed about) -> he downloaded tinder and started flirting with a girl on there, exchanging numbers etc -> I found out about it -> he couldn't handle the fact that I found it difficult, because he thought it wasn't a big deal and he "just needed some easy attention from someone without stress" -> I guess I talked about it too much to him, because a week after I found out he broke up with me.

After this first break up the craziness that was the last 5 months started. The first time we got back together was about 1.5 weeks after the break up. That recycle only lasted 2 weeks, because he clearly didn't have any space in his head for me and he started withdrawing himself pretty much as soon as I was back in his life, not messaging me and not having any time to meet up and being very snappy towards me, I couldn't really do anything right. So after 2 weeks he ended it. 2 weeks of no contact went by. Then he contacted me again. We met up after about a week (in the week before that he tried to get me to stay over at his place multiple times, but I wanted to talk and meet up during the day at a safe spot first). We decided to try again. First week was amazing, then I went on holiday and he withdrew himself again. Never initiated contact, was clearly very irritated by me and ignored me when I was around. So after three weeks in total (one week after I got back from holiday) he ended it again.

5 weeks of no contact went by. I thought it was really over. It wasn't. He messaged me for the first time after 5 weeks, at first it was just to ask how I was, but soon he started accusing me of all the things I did wrong and that caused our relationship to end (could write a whole post full of those) and then suddenly asked if I wanted to come over to his place that night (I refused). A week later it was Valentine's day and he messaged me again, with the excuse that he had heard that I was already seeing someone else (I hadn't done anything like that, but knew he had in the past weeks, so thought it was a bit hypocritical, didn't say that to him though) and saying that I was still his only Valentine ever (all his relationships were always over during Valentine's for some reason) and if we should celebrate that. I accepted his offer, I wasn't strong enough to reject. We had a drink somewhere and talked like friends, no talk about reconciliation. Afterwards he invited me over, but I refused and went home alone. We did talk on whatsapp though, and I confessed to him that I had hoped that he would have said that he wanted to try again. He said that he had thought about that multiple times but that it needed more time because it would never work out if we tried again now.

I contacted him a few days later though, about something I heard. Because that wednesday he had said that he was jealous of me and my life and that he would never find someone new now because he didn't have the time/energy, but I found out that he was seen with a girl the week before that. He understood that I had asked him and explained that it was a housemate of his. The conversation was re-initiated by this and saturday night, when I was out with friends, he messaged me hoping I would come over to his place. I refused again. Then sunday he asked if I wanted to have dinner together, this time I accepted. We had a nice evening, but in the end the conversation turned sour. It was only about everything that went wrong and he kept on accusing me, so I left. I regretted it pretty much immediately though, so when he messaged me saying he hated how this had ended and asking if he could come over I accepted.

The next day I asked what the situation now was between us and he said he needed more time. We didn't have any contact for a week, but then I congratuled him for his birthday. He proposed meeting up the next day and from that point on we met up regularly for over a month. We went to concerts together, went hiking for a day, went out for dinner, saw eachother about 2 times a week. It felt very much like a relationship to me (we had agreed on it being exclusive, but never talking about if it was a relationship or not). We didn't fight during this month, he never said hurtful things or anything, those BPD traits weren't very present. He was sometimes quite distant though. Not messaging me the whole day and only responding when I messaged it about 9 at night. Although other days he suddenly already messaged me early in the day.

Little over a week ago, after we had spent a very nice day together, I asked him how he thought things were going and where he thought they were going. He said he was having a nice time, but that he didn't want to label it because he wasn't ready for the commitment of a relationship and he was just too busy for that. We didn't really talk about it more at that moment, but it was in my head a lot. After a lot of thinking, I decided that if it was the case that he was having doubts because he wasn't sure he wanted a relationship with me (because I could sense that he wasn't as sure about his love for me, not like he was in the first year of our relationship, he was just a lot less affectionate), then I would end it. Because what would be the point of chasing someone, hoping he would change his mind about me? I would only be bringing myself down with that. Because the situation was already making me very insecure. So last Wednesday, when I saw him again, I eventually brought it up again (first we had dinner together and got an ice cream and had really nice conversations, so it was hard bringing it up). During the conversation I was still having a lot of doubts, so at some point I almost decided to go through with it. But then he started saying things like "Why don't you just put yourself first?" and "I don't want to convince you to go through with this because I don't want to hurt you". And then I asked him if it was only him and the situation he was in (he said his head was very full and he just wasn't feeling well mentally) that made him have doubts, but he said it was me as well. That's when I decided I needed to step away. So when he said "I just hope you can leave here without crying", I said "Okay, I'll do that" and I left.

Hahaha this ended up a bit longer than I hoped, I'm sorry. But I'm really struggling now. I messaged him afterwards saying I'm sorry I left so abruptly but I couldn't handle saying goodbye, but that's the only contact we've had since Wednesday. At first I hoped he would say that he had changed his mind and wanted to be with me anyway, but he hasn't and he won't. I miss him so much. I'm scared I made the wrong decision. Maybe I should have been more patient? I'm wondering if he'll come back again or if it's really really really over now. He is on my mind all the time. I'm looking at the music he's listening to (via last.fm) and analysing it, thinking he's with someone else because of certain music he puts on. I'm also thinking about his past relationships again a lot. Wondering if he misses them more than he'll mis me. Wondering why I failed and why he couldn't stay with me longer, like he did with some of those girls (always lots of recycles, but they lasted longer with them and they met his parents again and went on holiday again etc, it was a true relationship again instead of the limbo we were in).

Thoughts? I'm sorry this went on for so long. I 'm just having a lot of doubts and I miss him and I don't know what will happen next and I feel like I failed and like I should've given him more time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blooming]

I posted this on the detaching forum originally, so that's why this might be a bit confusing. A lot of you already know the history of the past months, so a big part of this post is probably not very interesting to you. I'm sorry

[spero]

Hello there blooming! Welcome back to this sub forum,   and its good to see you again here.

This is a rather deep post to read. I must commend you for being so bold and open in pouring out your heart. I do hope that the time and interaction with fellow community members has been a source of comfort and encouragement for you.

Having read your post, you must be feeling raw right now since it has been less than a week since you've interacted with your uBPD ex. This continuous cycle of breaking and re-engagement must have been emotionally draining for you, as if you've been taking a ride on an emotional-roller coaster.

Dear blooming, i know that right now this series of events must be heart wrenching and confusing, and your heart and mind are in very conflicted states right now. It seems like you've made a "bad" decision and the current standing decision of stepping away from the relationship has made it seem like you've failed. First, blooming, i'd extend a warm hug to you and say that while the relationship deteriorated to this state, it isn't because you are a failure. I want to let you know that stepping away takes courage.

You have the courage to at least step away from it at this point. Sometimes, when things don't work out, and while we try to make sense of our loss, we sometimes turn the blame toward ourselves to create a "narrative" that make sense. Blooming, sometimes things happen, stuff happens but it isn't your fault and you are certainly no failure.

Now, to address your question about on addressing thoughts or reflections about your post. Would you like a factual analysis, if you feel that you need to make a deeper sense of the situation, or are you seeking an opinion about how you can be proceeding on from here given your set of circumstances? 

Takeheart and takecare,
Spero

[spero]

Hey there Blooming,

so a big part of this post is probably not very interesting to you. I'm sorry

Please do not be concerned about the length of the post or the history,
In-fact your long post gave me a better sense of what you're going through and that would help me respond better to your situation. Please don't be embarrassed or apologetic about posting. We're here to listen and every person's story is important.

Spero

[juju2]

B

You are going to be o.k.

Second guessing is hard.  You did the right thing by sharing.

Spero has a great idea for you, and i also want to say, it's ok to write a lot.  This is a safe space.

Experience, strength, and hope are here.

juju

[blooming]

Hello there blooming! Welcome back to this sub forum,   and its good to see you again here.

This is a rather deep post to read. I must commend you for being so bold and open in pouring out your heart. I do hope that the time and interaction with fellow community members has been a source of comfort and encouragement for you.

Having read your post, you must be feeling raw right now since it has been less than a week since you've interacted with your uBPD ex. This continuous cycle of breaking and re-engagement must have been emotionally draining for you, as if you've been taking a ride on an emotional-roller coaster.

Dear blooming, i know that right now this series of events must be heart wrenching and confusing, and your heart and mind are in very conflicted states right now. It seems like you've made a "bad" decision and the current standing decision of stepping away from the relationship has made it seem like you've failed. First, blooming, i'd extend a warm hug to you and say that while the relationship deteriorated to this state, it isn't because you are a failure. I want to let you know that stepping away takes courage.

You have the courage to at least step away from it at this point. Sometimes, when things don't work out, and while we try to make sense of our loss, we sometimes turn the blame toward ourselves to create a "narrative" that make sense. Blooming, sometimes things happen, stuff happens but it isn't your fault and you are certainly no failure.

Now, to address your question about on addressing thoughts or reflections about your post. Would you like a factual analysis, if you feel that you need to make a deeper sense of the situation, or are you seeking an opinion about how you can be proceeding on from here given your set of circumstances? 

Takeheart and takecare,
Spero

Thank you for your reply Spero!

Yes it is quite a deep post maybe, it might be confusing too because I really just poured my heart and my frustrations and my confusion in it I guess. I hope you can make some sense of it and it isn't too much.

The problem is that the conversation we had last Wednesday didn't really make me feel like I had courage or that I was the one who was standing her ground and stepping away and saying enough is enough. Yes, I was the one who initiated the conversation, but I went in hoping he'd convince me to stay or hoping he'd realise that he didn't want to miss me. He did nothing like that. He helped me make the decision. He tried to convince me to leave him. So it still felt like he was in control. It hurt that he didn't fight for it at all. That he really didn't care about it, he said as much to me.

I guess I'd like both things! I really don't know what to expect from now on. Will he come back or not? Should I take him back if he comes back? What could I've done better in this situation? What happened that he has changed so much from the guy I used to know? This morning I was looking at pictures from during our relationship and it almost felt like I didn't know my ex anymore. How happy and carefree he looked on some of those photos, how truly in love with me and with life. I haven't seen him like that in ages. He is so distant, so withdrawn, very much inside his head. I think he is extremely stressed about his study and asking way too much of himself. He doesn't sleep very well either. Wednesday he said that now he was the one of us two wo was struggling with himself (during our relationship I struggled with the aftermath of an eating disorder and I was overworked for a few months). It's so hard that he doesn't want to talk about it. That he doesn't open up about how he's feeling and that I can't help him. I just wish he'd let me. I'm worried. He used to accuse me of not talking enough to me and that that was part of what caused our break-up, but now he's talking a lot less than I used to.

[blooming]

B

You are going to be o.k.

Second guessing is hard.  You did the right thing by sharing.

Spero has a great idea for you, and i also want to say, it's ok to write a lot.  This is a safe space.

Experience, strength, and hope are here.

juju

Thank you juju! Yes, I notice sharing and writing helps a lot. My head is just so full at the moment and I don't really know how to cope with that.

I also notice that his exes are on my mind all the time again. I really don't know what my obsession is with that or where it stems from. I keep trying to make sense of the timeline in my head, when he was with who. The timeline is quite complicated because he sometimes dated multiple women at once and because when he broke up with an ex he would date someone and then got back together with that ex again. I don't know why it's on my mind all the time, it doesn't bring me anywhere.

I also keep going to his exes facebook profiles. I really want to know whether he's still friends with them on facebook, but I can't see because their profiles are on private. I realised this morning that this might be because I'm scared that he'll go back to one of his exes and that I want to know whether they are still in (good) contact or not.

All this obsessing is so tiring. I don't know how to stop.

[juju2]

Hi B

He could be stressed.  The disorder is worse when they are under stress.

You are seeing all the phases of being w BPD.

Love bombing, mirroring, is the first stage.
They are reeling you in.

I don't think it's conscious on their part.


Asking them deep questions is like throwing them into deep water.  If they are already dealing w something heavy, more heavy can overload the circuits.

It takes a lot to be in a r/s w BPD... .its rewarding, and i have to be aware, take excellent self care, don't talk to family or overly concerned friends, I will be fighting them also, they want me to stop hurting.  I don't need that pressure from them.

I have to go to al anon, being w pwBPD showed me I am co dependent... .

Find a close mouth friend who will just listen.

These are tried and true practices, and there are many more.  It's about being good to myself, so I can get to my truth freely.

When I get in to what he is thinking, it's a red flag to me my life is unmanageable.  It's not possible for me to know what another person is thinking.

Relax, love your life.

juju

[juju2]

B

here's the deal.

I have to be strong, for times just like this.  They have an ATTACHMENT disorder.  This is the brunt of what you are feeling, and probably have felt.

This took me years to understand... .

The attachment disorder plays out in these ways, exactly what you are experiencing.  You are at the effect of the negative part of the disorder, I believe.

I could be wrong.

Everything stems from me not being ok w their attachment disorder.

This explains MY STRESS.

I know he has BPD.  And at the same time, I am mystified by the situations  things HE IS PUTTING ME THROUGH.  It's his disorder.  It's not the core person I fell in love with... .

It blindsides me every time!

I think that is why this community is so helpful to me.  I turn the wheel over to a team of people who know way more than me, they have flown over these storm clouds, I will let them help me navigate.  I don't have to know everything.  All i need to do, is know the people who know!

It's simple.  Not easy!

If i can trust the people with experience, I can further my goals. 

You are doing great, by the way.

juju

[Shawnlam]

Hi blooming ! I can see you are going through a tuff time and understand the emotional rollercoaster you are going through.Honestly as hard as this sounds it’s no longer about him it’s got to be about you.Can you keep taking the abuse (which will never stop btw)?All to have those short moments of happiness which will get less and less frequent? Aren’t you worth more to yourself than that? People with BPD never change on their own and even with therapy it’s very slim to none.With that said all the lies,never admitting guild,apologizing (real ones anyways), etc etc will never end .Nobody here can tell you what to do but I’m sure you are just about exhausted with all of it no?

[spero]

Hey there blooming! i'd like to join juju2 in saying a warm hello to you.

Now, perhaps before i think of an opinion piece, i'd like to establish a factual perspective of your current relationship / circumstance. But i'll put a little disclaimer to state that my analysis isn't final and while i've given a decent amount of thought toward it, it isn't perfect.

I've also taken the liberty of looking at some of your previous posts to establish some flags. So establishing the facts of the relationship, these are some issues i would have to raise. There is no order of importance, nor chronology, but i'll just be raising them as i go through the thread.

He has a history of cheating though and I really don't want him to do that. And currently he's putting in so little effort it's ridiculous. He doesn't message me all day, never initiates contact anymore. I need a little more than that. He used to be able to do it just fine, when we were in a relationship. So where did all of that go? It just seems like he doesn't care about me as much anymore. And if he doesn't care, then I'm bound to get hurt.

The above is something you had posted prior to this, and well, he has a history of cheating, not once, but twice. So this fact for me is a . I want to add that this post is about establishing facts, so i won't really be posing any questions, but i'm identifying red flags from a male perspective, since well... .he is male.

Further to that i add the quote below.
 

He broke up with me last November after I had been in hospital for a few days -> he couldn't handle that in top of his study (he started a masters degree last September which he is really stressed about) -> he downloaded tinder and started flirting with a girl on there, exchanging numbers etc -> I found out about it -> he couldn't handle the fact that I found it difficult, because he thought it wasn't a big deal and he "just needed some easy attention from someone without stress" -> I guess I talked about it too much to him, because a week after I found out he broke up with me.

This would be the second concern i would have to raise as a  , the fact that his immediate response to stress, and all of us have different approaches and strategies to coping with stress, is to download tinder and flirt ( as you put it ) as an outlet for stress relief is  .

Further to justify his stance, he adds that, it "wasn't a big deal" is yet another  . The fact that he seems to downplay that it isn't a big deal is a  . While i do not understand the deep motivations of your ex, for him to break up with you, perhaps has a result of stress from you pressing him about "downloading" tinder, is yet another   for me.

Prior to your current post, there also seems to be a period where you've both in limbo after the break up, where there are not firmly established agreements for him to be committed toward you.

After this first break up the craziness that was the last 5 months started. The first time we got back together was about 1.5 weeks after the break up. That recycle only lasted 2 weeks, because he clearly didn't have any space in his head for me and he started withdrawing himself pretty much as soon as I was back in his life, not messaging me and not having any time to meet up and being very snappy towards me, I couldn't really do anything right. So after 2 weeks he ended it. 2 weeks of no contact went by. Then he contacted me again. We met up after about a week (in the week before that he tried to get me to stay over at his place multiple times, )

This is as you've pointed it out a case of recycling. He tried to get you staying at his place multiple times... .seems like another red  .

What happened that he has changed so much from the guy I used to know? This morning I was looking at pictures from during our relationship and it almost felt like I didn't know my ex anymore. How happy and carefree he looked on some of those photos, how truly in love with me and with life. I haven't seen him like that in ages. He is so distant, so withdrawn, very much inside his head.

This is something i personally resonate with and can personally attest to. My own uBPDexGF looked and felt like a different person after post-break up as compared to the happy moments we shared together during the earlier part of our time together. This fact that you've brought this up is also a   for me.

5 weeks of no contact went by. I thought it was really over. It wasn't. He messaged me for the first time after 5 weeks, at first it was just to ask how I was, but soon he started accusing me of all the things I did wrong and that caused our relationship to end (could write a whole post full of those) and then suddenly asked if I wanted to come over to his place that night (I refused).

This would be another point for concern that, he has started accusing you of causing the fallout of the relationship and then proceeds to ask if you want to come over to his place again.  This is a and the repeated pattern of wanting you over at his place to spend another is another telling  .

We had a nice evening, but in the end the conversation turned sour. It was only about everything that went wrong and he kept on accusing me, so I left. I regretted it pretty much immediately though, so when he messaged me saying he hated how this had ended and asking if he could come over I accepted.

This is another area i'd like to raise, while i don't know the contents of the discussion, i would suppose the conversation turned sour because of a disagreement? or it had decayed into him trying to nit pick your weak points?

But then he started saying things like "Why don't you just put yourself first?" and "I don't want to convince you to go through with this because I don't want to hurt you". And then I asked him if it was only him and the situation he was in (he said his head was very full and he just wasn't feeling well mentally) that made him have doubts, but he said it was me as well. That's when I decided I needed to step away. So when he said "I just hope you can leave here without crying", I said "Okay, I'll do that" and I left.

While he has seemingly "admitted" that he isn't feeling well mentally which caused him to have "doubts" he then proceeded to add that it was you, which seems to me like an attempt to avert full responsibility on his part, and covertly provoke you into leaving (which then perhaps fulfills his fear of being abandoned) is another  .

I think this is as much as i would want to establish based on the details and facts i've put together. Perhaps i'll pause here and give you some time to process what is written before going into an opinion piece.

Blooming, please take as much time as you need to read this piece. If you aren't ready to process these points, please come back later, i'll be happy to write the 2nd part later. I know you're in a difficult place right now, but i also think that it is important to have majority of the facts here. Whether your ex-partner has BPD or may rightfully be uBPD, these are valid concerns if one is to have any semblance for a healthy relationship.

Let me know your thoughts and comments. I do stress again, do take as much time as you need to read this. here is another warm hug  from the community

Takecare and takeheart, we're here to listen.

Spero

[blooming]

Thank you for your replies! I have read them, but am in a bit of a rush now to see a friend, so unfortunately do not have any time to reply to them. I will process them a bit in my head and try to respond later tonight or tomorrow morning.

I just wanted to put something here though. This is a song my ex wrote for one of his exes while we were together. It was in the period that our relationship started to show the first cracks. He had told me that because of me he didn't feel like having sex anymore, because I had hurt him and because I never showed any initiative during sex and just lay there (luckily his opinion changed later). This had really really really hurt me because I am an insecure person and sex is a moment I feel very vulnerable and he was my first and had very much experience himself, so that I didn't do it right had always been something I was afraid of. Anyway, he was angry with me. That's when he wrote this song I think. I found it because he had just left it on his bed when I came to visit. I took a picture of it, but I still know the lyrics by heart because they hurt me so much. I'll put some fragments here.

Soulmate parted life (that was the title)

I should have gone right, but turned to the left
Alone in this car, quivering from heart theft
... .
After 29 months, I still know the way
... .
I'm not certain, but neither are you
Will you still call me when I'm thirtytwo?

Jokes are for teenagers, but look at you now
As an adolescent, I can't forget what I just saw

We said we could be happy, if only we were separate
A clever smile, glistening eyes, dry your tears, don't be sad

This song has never really left my mind. After this I have always felt like I was living in this exes shadow. He talked about her quite frequently and told me that he thought he'd never get over her. I developed an obsession for her. I was so jealous of the feelings he had for her. Later I found out that it's 99% certain he cheated on her frequently during half a year with another one of his exes. And he also told me negative stories about their relationship, saying that she had told him that her hair was always thinner when they were together (he said they broke up 6 times in 3 years, but it might be more because I don't think it would be something he would be honest about) because of stress. Still, now, I always compare myself to her. She  for example, is still friends with his mother on facebook and they interact on there. I'm so jealous of what they had and I feel like I failed because their relationship lasted so much longer and he feels so much for her.

Is it normal BPD behaviour to not be able to let go of an ex? Any ideas on how to cope with this? Having a hard time

[juju2]

When i first met my s.o., he told me he was still in live w his first wife.  They were married in 1988, had one son together.

I told him he had to find out what that meant, when he was free, may be he and i could have a r/s.
He told me, no, it's ok, she moved on, she's married, lives 2000 miles away, has two more kids... .

Looking back, he was and is still attached.

It was her circumstances that made them not be possible, and he was attached. 

He has an ATTACHMENT disorder.

I have to keep reminding myself, because it doesn't make sense to me, and i think I have an ATTACHMENT disorder to him, after 11 years... .

[spero]

Hello there blooming!

Its good to hear from you. Thank you for sharing the lyrics to the song below.
It does seem that this song as brought up feelings of being insecure, i'm sorry that this has brought you much pain about not feeling worthy of "love" in that sense. Feeling like this now really sucks, 

I'm so jealous of what they had and I feel like I failed because their relationship lasted so much longer and he feels so much for her.

I'm sorry that you feel like you've failed, because it seems like in comparison to a previous relationship yours seems short-lived. If i may, blooming, perhaps i would say the "duration" of how long a relationship lasts doesn't make for a very good gauge of comparison. So, first i'd like to say, you've not failed.

Now coming back to the point about the time one spends in a relationship, it is also possible that this ex of his "gave" in to his demands more. Now, having understood some context, he may have had more "control" over her. I have come to a point where i'd take some comments with a pinch of salt. He may in actuality be saying "things" with a degree of exaggeration to provoke you and to demean you into feeling jealous.

My uBPDexGF sure did that. The ex was always better than her current beau. I'm raising this point perhaps to bring a little more balance to his comments. So, again, blooming. You're not a failure. The fact that you're here and putting in effort to understand yourself and trying to make sense of what is happening goes to show to me that you've not failed. 

Is it normal BPD behaviour to not be able to let go of an ex?

The short answer for "BPD not being able to let go of an ex" is well, yes.

Any ideas on how to cope with this? Having a hard time

Perhaps before going on how to cope, have you given any thoughts to what i've posted previously? In summary, perhaps you could be first thinking of the fact's I've presented to you about him and perhaps what would be for you a healthy relationship?

Now, this is a thread on a bettering board, so I'd give the assumption that you're still inclined toward trying to salvage the relationship?

Takeheart,
Spero

[blooming]

Hi blooming ! I can see you are going through a tuff time and understand the emotional rollercoaster you are going through.Honestly as hard as this sounds it’s no longer about him it’s got to be about you.Can you keep taking the abuse (which will never stop btw)?All to have those short moments of happiness which will get less and less frequent? Aren’t you worth more to yourself than that? People with BPD never change on their own and even with therapy it’s very slim to none.With that said all the lies,never admitting guild,apologizing (real ones anyways), etc etc will never end .Nobody here can tell you what to do but I’m sure you are just about exhausted with all of it no?

Thank you for being so clear Shawnlam. You are right, maybe I'm better off without him and his weird habits. He has never been diagnosed with BPD, so I'm not sure if he'll never be able to change on his own, but it's clear that there's something wrong with him because all of his past relationships have gone like this too.

[blooming]

Hey there blooming! i'd like to join juju2 in saying a warm hello to you.

Thank you so much! I'd like to start with apologising for replying so late to your comment. I haven't been doing well the past few days and haven't had enough space in my head to find the time to reply. I forced myself today though, because I really need to try to move forward and I hope you can help me with that.

Now, perhaps before i think of an opinion piece, i'd like to establish a factual perspective of your current relationship / circumstance. But i'll put a little disclaimer to state that my analysis isn't final and while i've given a decent amount of thought toward it, it isn't perfect.

I've also taken the liberty of looking at some of your previous posts to establish some flags. So establishing the facts of the relationship, these are some issues i would have to raise. There is no order of importance, nor chronology, but i'll just be raising them as i go through the thread.

Sounds like a plan! Thank you so very much for taking this much of your time to help me with my struggles.
 

The above is something you had posted prior to this, and well, he has a history of cheating, not once, but twice. So this fact for me is a . I want to add that this post is about establishing facts, so i won't really be posing any questions, but i'm identifying red flags from a male perspective, since well... .he is male.

Yes, he has (almost certainly, although I myself still can't really believe it) cheated for half a year on his then-girlfriend with one of his exes. And he has admitted another time he cheated to me himself. And he has dated a lot of girls at once, but that's not really cheating. And he has cheated on another girlfriend too, according to her. So enough reason for a red flag I guess.

Further to that i add the quote below.
 
This would be the second concern i would have to raise as a  , the fact that his immediate response to stress, and all of us have different approaches and strategies to coping with stress, is to download tinder and flirt ( as you put it ) as an outlet for stress relief is  .

Further to justify his stance, he adds that, it "wasn't a big deal" is yet another  . The fact that he seems to downplay that it isn't a big deal is a  . While i do not understand the deep motivations of your ex, for him to break up with you, perhaps has a result of stress from you pressing him about "downloading" tinder, is yet another   for me.

I do not understand his motivations either, I think he himself doesn't as well. But it hurts me that he decided to download tinder as stress-relief instead of telling me that he was stressed (I never knew, only afterwards). And he really couldn't talk to me about what happened, as soon as I started up the conversation (well, maybe except for the time when I found out, because apparently then he found it justified of me to talk about it, but afterwards he didn't?) he just shut down and got almost emotionless.

Prior to your current post, there also seems to be a period where you've both in limbo after the break up, where there are not firmly established agreements for him to be committed toward you.

Well, I always clearly stated as soon as we tried again that I wanted it to be just us, no others. So hopefully that wasn't unclear to him. But he wasn't committed to me in the sense that he didn't treat me as his girlfriend and only gave me attention when he wanted to.

This is as you've pointed it out a case of recycling. He tried to get you staying at his place multiple times... .seems like another red  .

Yes, it almost seems that as soon as he realised he couldn't get me in his bed that easily, he put a little bit more work in it, but when he had me, he got bored again.

This is something i personally resonate with and can personally attest to. My own uBPDexGF looked and felt like a different person after post-break up as compared to the happy moments we shared together during the earlier part of our time together. This fact that you've brought this up is also a   for me.

Ah yes, I found/find this very scary. I think with my ex it has to do with how he's feeling himself too, how he's so stuck.

This would be another point for concern that, he has started accusing you of causing the fallout of the relationship and then proceeds to ask if you want to come over to his place again.  This is a and the repeated pattern of wanting you over at his place to spend another is another telling  .

This is another area i'd like to raise, while i don't know the contents of the discussion, i would suppose the conversation turned sour because of a disagreement? or it had decayed into him trying to nit pick your weak points?

It turned sour because he started telling me all the things that I've done wrong and why it didn't work. That I was too insecure and didn't make enough time for him and had caused him too much stress etc. And I had told him that I was seeing a therapist again and he said that he didn't want to be together with someone who is seeing a therapist because he doesn't want an overanalysed relationship, even though I'm not seeing a therapist because of our relationship.

We never really had disagreements because I never argue with anyone.

While he has seemingly "admitted" that he isn't feeling well mentally which caused him to have "doubts" he then proceeded to add that it was you, which seems to me like an attempt to avert full responsibility on his part, and covertly provoke you into leaving (which then perhaps fulfills his fear of being abandoned) is another  .

That could well be the case. I am very confused about that part. Why would he keep contacting me and wanting to try again if he doesn't want to be with me anymore and if he's having such doubts about me?

I think this is as much as i would want to establish based on the details and facts i've put together. Perhaps i'll pause here and give you some time to process what is written before going into an opinion piece.

Blooming, please take as much time as you need to read this piece. If you aren't ready to process these points, please come back later, i'll be happy to write the 2nd part later. I know you're in a difficult place right now, but i also think that it is important to have majority of the facts here. Whether your ex-partner has BPD or may rightfully be uBPD, these are valid concerns if one is to have any semblance for a healthy relationship.

Let me know your thoughts and comments. I do stress again, do take as much time as you need to read this. here is another warm hug  from the community

Takecare and takeheart, we're here to listen.

Spero

Thank you so much for your elaborate response Spero! I think I'm ready for the opinion piece now and am very curious to hear about it (but of course no rush!)

[isilme]

Hi there blooming

You've gotten a lot of good responses on here.  I think you are in a mourning phase for the relationship, in two ways, and it's totally normal to feel this way any time anything ends - be it a relationship, a loss of a friendship, a move, taking a new job, and of course the passing of a loved one.  It's human to wonder if we made the right choice, and to wonder about "what ifs".  But we live in the world of "what really happened", and need to allow ourselves time to make peace with the reality of what's happened and look for ways to grow and keep moving forward.  I'd hate for you to spend too much time looking backward and miss a great new friendship or more coming at you from the front.  A little introspection and self-investigation, and even the things like checking up on his exes and so on is normal - just know that too much becomes ruminating, and that unlike a person with BPD, you DO have the ability to better control your actions based on your emotions.  

1 - You are mourning what you wish you had/what you wanted.  I caught myself doing that this week - social media told me it was National Siblings Day, and my two half brothers shared a post of each other, but since we did not even meet until I was like 15, of course, I was not included.  And I'd have not expected to be in any rational sense, but the pic of them together as children made me feel the loss that comes from having two BPD parents and no close family thanks to those two BPD parents.  I ended up crying at work, which feels silly, but it just hit me.    I'm not mad at the brothers.  I was mourning the relationship we will never have, since we never knew each other as children, and things are just weird and distant as adults.  I always wanted siblings but grew up a lonely only child.  I was mourning the mother my mom could not be for me, and the father my dad could not be.  Instead of supporting, loving parents, I had two confusing, conflicted, high-emotion people who expected me, the child, to manage their feelings for them.  So, there is sadness in realizing what you wanted isn't going to happen.  Mourning that is normal, and grief can be weird and hit you at times that can surprise you.

You exBF does not seem to have the skills or emotional capacity to be what you want or need.  It's like he was on a job interview for a long-term committed partner, and his resume was lacking a lot of key points you really need.  You liked enough about him to hope he could learn those skills, but like the red flags above show, he never took to the on the job training.  So, while he was good enough for a few things, he was not full-on BF material for you.  He might not be for anyone - even if he manages to find emotional supply from someone else, that does not mean it's happily ever after for either of them - he has BPD.  It will affect each and every relationship of any type, family, friend, significant other, and maybe even as a parent, for the rest of his life.  He will likely have short-term, highly dramatic interactions, and most people will run from him.  Anyway, it's okay to mourn the man you thought he could be, but couldn't.  That man is not there, that relationship is not there, and letting go of that expectation IS going to cause a form of grief.  

2 - You are mourning the loss of closeness to the actual guy he was, warts and all.  Even with his evident failings, you were into him enough to keep giving him chances.  So you really did care for him, and letting go of that is also going to hurt.  Just look at those red flags again, though, and see what it is you are letting go of, and make sure you are really seeing HIM, not the person you are mourning from #1 above.

Grief is normal.  It goes through several stages., which you can read a bit about from Psychology Today:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup

Any kind of grief for any reason needs to run its course, and you can give yourself permission to feel how you feel, to type it out here (as long as you want - you've seen how I write and I've never hit a character limit   because it is cathartic.

And, if you feel that yes, this is it, and you are ready to fully move on, you might find support on another board here for relationships that really are ending or over:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=27.0

Either way, we want to keep hearing how you are doing.  Never have any worries about that.