I Believe My Spouse Has BPD

[spouseofBPD]

I have known my wife for 17 total years now, married for about 15.5 of those years. She has emotionally exploded on me probably at least 200 total times over these years. I have had thoughts of suicide myself for years now, just in dealing with the hurt and emotional pain that her episodes cause me internally. It has only been recently that I have even come to hear of or find out what BPD even is, and that it exists. I now have a newly fresh outlook on things, but, that still has not changed my spouse's short-temperedness, short-fuse, quick to get angriness... HOW do I get my spouse into therapy FOR this condition, and get her to face reality? I have told her before that she acts the way she acts because of her childhood, that it is NOT her fault, and that she just simply needs someone to talk to to get these issues resolved, but, of course, pride and stubbornness and the blame game, always hold her back from seeking counseling or therapy...we now have a 2 year old child that we adopted from birth. My wife is already comfortable exploding right in front of him and even cussing up a storm in front of him...I do not want to and will not raise up a child in this type of unstable environment. What do I do to protect him from his own mommy? I need serious help here. This has GOT to stop?

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[Ozzie101]

Hello spouse, and welcome!

I'm so sorry for the situation that brings you here but I am glad you've found us. So many of us here understand what you're going through -- because we've been there (or are still there) ourselves. I, too, had that eye-opening "ah-ha" moment of learning about BPD.

Many members here have a lot of experience when it comes to situations involving small children. It's tricky to know how to handle it and I understand your need to protect your son. I hope others who have been there can help you out with that more than I can.

As for how to get her into therapy and to face reality, the bad news is that that might not be possible. It's notoriously difficult to get a pwBPD to accept their situation and enter therapy but it is possible. We do have some articles on the subject, here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

I can sense your frustration. There are tools and skills you can use that can actually (over time) start to improve things. Could you tell us a bit more about your relationship? About some of the things that seem to set her off?

[spouseofBPD]

I have known her for seventeen years now, 17.5 probably, and she has been having this explosive emotional episodes filled with RAGE ever since the beginning. This is clearly something from her childhood or upbringing, that she never got help with or therapy to overcome, and now it has turned her into this type of an adult, and using all the wrong coping mechanisms. She was either physically abused, sexually abused, or just constantly criticized to the point of having no self-esteem at all whatsoever, in order to be SO hyper-sensitive to ANY little bit of blame, fault, guilt, or constructive criticism she ever faces.

The things the set her off and pull her trigger are ALWAYS small, insignificant, superficial things...she has blown up at me if I do not take her advice immediately and do precisely what she says or recommends, making her feel that "my way" or "my idea" is better and her's "is stupid." She has blown up at me, and in front of my parents, cuz I asked her how she wanted her eggs cooked...she has blown up at me while driving in the car, all cuz I made some comment about her driving erradically...she has blown up because I questioned her about something that I forgot to put in the cooler for a picnic we just had at the beach, I was ticked at myself for forgetting it, but, I think she took it personal and thought I was accusing HER and blew up as a result, and in front of our 2-year-old son and 22-ear-old daughter...she blew up just this past Tuesday while we were packing up from our campsite, after a wonderful weekend camping and hiking to visit six different waterfalls, I asked her why she was rolling up the air mattress a certain way, and then BAMM, I get another blow up! She cussed me again, started swearing, said the F-WORD and our 2-year-old son was right next to her? and then she turned to him and said, "Say THAT to your father!" So, I picked my son up and said to her, "You are SCARING me." and walked away with him, and then she yelled out, "F-YOU ASSHOLE!" and I am certain that people at other campsites would have heard her...she got out of the car once while I was still moving, and someone around us saw her exiting the vehicle and called the cops on us, thinking I was probably kidnapping her or something, to make a woman run out of a moving car the way she did...when I tried talking to her about our son's circumcision last year, it would up in me having to hold her down to keep her from hurting herself, or me, and she would up leaving big purple baseball sized bite marks all over my body, 4 or 5 of them...she once broke a glass vase in one of her 2 year old tantrums, and tried reaching for the pieces of broken glass to cut me with...she broke my thumb once in one of her rages...my right thumb permanently looks different now than my left thumb, but still works... it is basically ANY time that she "feels attacked" to any degree, for ANY reason, no MATTER how small it may be to a normal rationally-thinking person, she resorts to the ultimate FAR-REACHING EXTREME of the behavioral spectrum, ya know? A MONSTER lived inside of my wife, and I live in daily fear of the next time she releases it on me, and have been living this way for seventeen YEARS now... I have been depressed to the point of serious thoughts of suicide...and now we have a 2-year-old son that she will be teaching and training to react/overreact this same way as well, if something does not permanently change in her mind and behavior...

[Ozzie101]

That's really a lot to deal with, spouse, and I can sense your frustration. I'm so sorry. And the domestic violence you chronicle is something no one should have to put up with. Unfortunately, it's not an uncommon story around here. Have you taken any steps to document these instances, should that become necessary? Protecting yourself and your son is a priority, obviously. We want to make sure you're safe. Have any of these physical attacks happened recently?

Have you read or heard of the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"? It's a great place to start to understanding the disorder. It really helped me a lot and, in fact, was what led me here.

The thing is, with BPD, it's like they're speaking a different language. While that doesn't excuse the behavior (violence is inexcusable, in my opinion), learning a bit about that language and learning how to interpret and communicate on a different level actually can make a huge difference. It does take a lot of work, patience and dedication.

No one here will tell you what you should do but we can help you on whatever path you decide to take. If you want to work on some tools to try to improve things, we can help you with that. If you decide you don't want to take that road and would rather start detaching and moving away, we can help you with that, too.

Also, if you don't mind my asking, have you sought counseling or therapy for yourself? Many of us here (including yours truly) find that very helpful.

[spouseofBPD]

Thank you SO much for responding to me...just a matter of weeks ago, after my wife's explosion at the beach, I was the most suicidal I have ever been, as a result of her condition/disorder, and I actually sought out online suicide prevention help. I have NEVER been so discouraged, depressed, and hopeless asI was after her beach explosion, and right in front of my children too? She literally has NO concept of what effect her anger has had and is having on her loved ones, and the negative impact it is having on them and their lives, or just flat out because of her prideful spirit, simply does not truly care, which is what I believe, that she just does not care. I have always sensed that.

It was in my searching in YouTube for videos, using the criteria "Why Is My Wife So Angry" that I found a good video by a guy, watched it, even sent it to my wife to watch...but then ya know the other videos they also recommend over on the side? Well, it popped up other stuff, and that is how I eventually came to see and learn about BPD, what it is, and it's nine symptoms, and when I heard Dr. Ramani discussing it, WOW, was my mind ever blown away and I just sat there listening to her describing what someone with BPD is like, and I was like, yep, that's my wife...yep, that's my wife...yep, that's my wife...ya know?

So, I have been watching a lot of clinical psychiatrists talking about BPD and how to handle it, and I KNOW that I HAVE to get my wife into therapy to even attempt to counteract it and get to the root of the problem, which is almost 100% for sure childhood trauma...

In response to your messages though, yes, I have actually ordered just yesterday that "Walking On Eggshells" book. I think I saw it recommended on here...

The last time my wife was extremely physical with me was last January of 2018 when she left bite marks on my arms...

I have emailed a counselor who says she has had 30 years of experience in counseling about PTSD and BPD. I am going to plan on visiting her twice myself, and then attempt to get my wife in to see her, if I am okay with her after my visits. I have absolutely NO problem talking about myself, expressing myself or my innermost thoughts or feelings, no pride issues there, I AM prideful sure of course, EVERY human being is, that's not what I mean, but, just no hang-ups about discussing myself or what I already KNOW my own personal problems are from my childhood, how I was raised, the environment I grew up in, etc...

My wife however, complete opposite end of the conversational spectrum. She GREATLY struggles with it, and also with being honest and realistic with herself about her own mood/emotional instability issues. It is always someone ELSE or myself who is the cause of and responsible for her lack of emotional control, hence why, I believe, she has never taken it seriously enough to seek counseling for it.

Thank you SO much for talking and sharing...it truly IS a help, just knowing this IS a REAL problem and issue and disorder in people's lives, I am NOT alone, the struggle IS real, and there are others out there going through these same issues with the ones they love. I want to HELP my wife get freed from all of this ANGER within her, and find another way, a better way, of releasing it, all her frustrations...a healthier none-explosive way...

Thank you so much for caring, and for sharing...

[Ozzie101]

That's what we're here for, spouse!

I'm glad you've ordered the book. It was a real godsend for me and for many other members here.

I'm also glad you're planning to speak to a counselor. Again, that's been a real help to me and other others and the fact that she has history with PTSD and BPD is a real bonus. BPD is a tricky condition and some therapists, while they mean well, if they're not experienced -- well, that can lead to more problems.

One thing that I've seen pretty much across the board with pwBPD is that the sense of shame is extremely acute. It's not always necessarily pride or stubbornness that keeps them from admitting they might have a problem or that they might be doing something wrong (the whole rolling the air mattress comes to mind). It's that they have such a strong sense of shame that they absolutely cannot admit it. Now, this isn't true for everyone and it comes in degrees. But, from what I've seen, it's generally true. Think about it this way: what could be, to your average person, a minor sunburn, is a third-degree burn to a BPD. Couple that with an inability to maturely process and deal with emotions and you get the cocktail that is BPD.

We have a lot of tools and skills that can help. You won't be able to cure your wife. But there is hope for making things better, even if she's not willing to get help herself. Have you dug around any in the tips and tools articles? The links are at the top of the page. Or, if you'd like, I can point you to some specific ones.

[Harri]

Hi spouseofBPD.  I want to join in with Ozzie in saying welcome and I am glad you reached out to us.  Your situation is difficult for sure and the good news is that we have seen some of these situations get turned around.  There is hope and there is help.  As Ozzie said, we will not tell you to stay or leave your relationship rather we will support you as you decide on your own what to do.

Getting someone else into therapy is quite difficult even if they don't have BPD.  What we find best is to focus on us and changing the way we interact with our spouse/family member and learning coping strategies to help us along the way.  We offer tools and strategies here that are mostly about helping us to cope and interact in more healthy ways and sometimes (often) that can help the marital situation quite a bit.  Nothing about interacting with a pwBPD or any disordered person is intuitive and sometimes we act in ways that are less than helpful.  changing that can make a big difference for us.

All that said, my concern is about the potential for violence and abuse against you and what your son is being exposed to as well.  Have you considered contacting a domestic violence center to talk with a professional there about some options regarding safety?  We do have an excellent Safety First plan that I hope you spend time working through.

In one of your above posts, you mentioned holding your wife down.  I understand and in a lot of ways this seems like a logical thing to do.  Unfortunately, it leaves you exposed to her accusing you of domestic violence.  I am not saying this to come down on you.  Rather to point out the complexity of the situation you are in and your need to change things at your end for you.  We have a thread here that you may find very helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0  You will see that you are not alone and you will be able to read the experiences of other men who have been on this site.

In the meantime, please keep posting here in your own thread and see if you can jump into others as that is how we all learn.  Sometimes it is easier to see solutions for other people than it is for our own situations.

In the meantime,

[spouseofBPD]

Thank you both so very much.

It truly means a lot. It has helped me tremendously just since I started watching the videos on YouTube of Dr. Ramani discussing the traits, symptoms, and causes of BPD. Just finally understanding WHAT emotional disorder my wife has had all of these years, and before meeting me, and struggled with her whole life, has already been a help to me. Just having that knowledge, of finally KNOWING what the heck IS going on, ya know? My first goal is to get her to watch these videos on YouTube with me, us both together, to see if any lightbulbs will go on inside her head, both about herself and myself.

After watching Dr. Ramani's videos on Narcissism, I am completely convinced that I was raised BY a narcissist, my dad. So, I am the by-product of that disorder already, and against my own will, being raised in the environment and home he provided, have qualities of a narcissist already in myself, and to some degree, struggle with that as well. Then, being married to a BPD Southeast Asian woman, who is ALWAYS right, everything ALWAYS has to be done her way, and she is HYPER-sensitive about ANY form of criticism in ANY way to ANY degree, takes it personal, gets offended, then turns into the Incredible Hulk and her rage overtakes her.

I feel I am in a Lose-Lose situation, with no hope of our 2-yer-old son not growing up with the same screwed up childhood that both my wife and I grew up in and with. I just don't get it. Why my wife does not want to be better than her childhood, and provide a better environment for her son to be raised in than the emotionally unstable one that she grew up in. I already do not feel any degree of closeness to my wife anymore, her rage and hatred has built up a wall between us, and whereas I used to always wanna touch her and be physically close to her, I now just flat out do not even care anymore. In the back of my mind, I always know "It's just a matter of time...until her next rage explosion episode"...just a matter of time...

I would have rather chosen to be married to a woman who had stage four cancer, diabetes, leukemia, or was blind deaf and lame...ANYTHING physically, rather than being stuck with someone filled with, consumed by, and controlled and dominated by anger, hatred, and rage. Emotional disorders SUCK!

I am ready and willing to look at, read, and learn all I can about BPD, and how I can help MYSELF FIRST OF ALL, and then try and help my wife as my friend, to whatever degree her pride will even allow me TO help...can you guys just walk me through the same process you went through, and send me any links, videos, articles, etc... that you read when you first started learning about how to live with and cope with a BPD person in a healthy way? I genuinely want to learn more. I will start reading "Egg Shells" as soon as Amazon delivers it. Already ordered it...

Also, do you know of a good link to go to to even FIND a good knowledgable BPD therapist here in my city? Is there a portal for therapists/psychiatrists?  Thanks,

[Ozzie101]

First of all, I want to caution you about sharing the videos with your wife. One of the big things we always warn members against is sharing the revelation about BPD with their loved one. It's a natural response, to want to let them know. I felt the urge to do that (and still do feel it at times). It seems intuitive: if they know, then they can start getting better. Unfortunately, it rarely, if ever, works out that way. People with BPD are usually NOT receptive to that news and it can instead trigger some major reactions from her and even more problems for you. It's much better if that comes (IF it comes at all -- many here, including me, have loved ones with no diagnosis) from a professional. Even if you share the videos without telling her your suspicions, do you think there's a chance she could pick up on what you're really saying and doing? It's very likely it will come across to her as shaming, even though your intentions are good.

As for your revelation about your father -- you're not alone there either! If you look around the site you'll find many other members who grew up with parents or other family members with BPD or other PDs. For instance, I've come to realize that my sister may very well have BPD. When we were teens, she had anorexia. We just always assumed her volatility and verbal and emotional abuse (much of it aimed at me) was a byproduct of that. Recent events have proven that the eating disorder was a symptom -- not the disease. So, basically, I married a man who was a lot like my sister. It's actually very, very common.

The detaching you're feeling is normal. I went through the same thing myself with my H. It's a self-protective mechanism. We've been fortunate in that we've been able to repair the damage for the most part. As Harri said, changing some of your behaviors and attitudes (the only things you can really control) can do a lot to make things better.

As for therapists, you say you're meeting with a counselor soon. She should be able to help and, if she can't, give referrals. If you're able to get your wife to agree to therapy (not guaranteed), the most effective treatment program is DBT. So, you'll want to look for that. When I was looking for help, I did a Google search of my city, psychologist and DBT or BPD. Harri and others might have a better, more direct method that can help you!

I hope you'll give the safety plan and the thread Harri linked a close look. There's a lot of valuable information there that will help you be more secure.

And I'll share a bit more about my process and some helpful links in a later post. Have you looked much at the links and workshops on this site? There's a wealth of info here of all types. This site is really your best resource -- or at least the best one I've found!

[spouseofBPD]

So...I went to my first therapy session yesterday. She charged $150/hour? But, I just told her all I have been saying on here pretty much, that I NEED HELP both coping with and living with someone who struggles with this explosive kind of anger and rage, and unstable emotional state, and "lives on the edge" emotionally-speaking...

I am also reading Eggshells every day.

Today was Day FOUR with no explosions!

My goal is to make it to 365 DAYS, a FULL YEAR, for the first time EVER in our 17-year long relationship!

How long have you guys been able to go without a rage-fest or an emotional eruption in your home?

[spouseofBPD]

This is what I am struggling with today, and have been for the fifteen years we have been married. The frequency of physical touch initiated by my wife... she literally wants nothing to do with touching me, and it is heart-wrenching on my end. I literally just want to die...I have no desire at all whatsoever to go on feeling like this, and I have zero hope to any degree of anything ever changing for the better with us or for us. My wife only continues getting worse and more distant, not the opposite...and the heart-breaking part of it all for me is simply, that, when I first met my wife, and we dated, and then were engaged, although she was an emotional basket-case back then just the same as she is still now, for she has always had these BPD emotional anger-filled ragefest explosions, but, she was the hottest, sexiest, most erotically sensual creature I had ever met, seen, or even fantasized about, no joking or exaggeration at all whatsoever. But NOW...exact polar opposite from the girl I was engaged to...the day we got married, she flipped the switch into the OFF position, and it has been devastating to me for 15 years now...going through the routine daily, weekly neglect...

This article I found from ten years ago describes to the T exactly how I feel...

https://www.patheos.com/blogs/mormontherapist/2009/12/my-wife-never-touches-me.html#disqus_thread

[Stillhopeful4]

Hi Spouse,

I just wanted to chime in and let you know you are not alone.  The day we got married my wife stopped touching me.  And in the 10+ years since then we have only had sex about 6 times, and they were all when she was under the influence of alcohol.  Through it all did I miss it, yes, but it was more important to me for her to want me, with no alcohol.  I'm hoping this separation that she's requested helps her get some clarity.

((HUGS)

SH4

[Ozzie101]

I know this can be so difficult and downright soul-crushing at times. I'm sorry.

Did the therapist have any helpful advice to give? Do you think you'll go back?

[Ray2017]

Today was Day FOUR with no explosions!

My goal is to make it to 365 DAYS, a FULL YEAR, for the first time EVER in our 17-year long relationship!

How long have you guys been able to go without a rage-fest or an emotional eruption in your home?

Hi spouseofBPD - I'm so sorry that you're going through this.  Being raged at, or even around the rage, if it's not directed at your or your child, is awful.  I know from years of experience as well with my husband.  Since I've kept track, starting nearly two years ago, the longest we've gone without a rage incident is 10 days, though the anger/rage has been an issue for nearly our entire marriage.  The one thing I will say is this, though I may (inadvertently) trigger something that starts the rage, there isn't anything I can do to control it.  This is something I've learned in just the past few months after reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and finding these wonderful message boards.  I can act perfectly and examine each and every detail of my actions and words to make sure it comes out just right (which is, really, walking on eggshells)... and something will still set my H off.  What I've learned here are tools to not escalate things further, and to work on ME.  It's really hard to do that when everything is just chaos around you - and with little kids (we've got 2 small kids), but in many ways freeing to let go of their behavior and just work on your own.  I think others have pointed out here, or in other threads, various tools (don't JADE - justify, argue, defend, explain; have a safety plan for you and your child, etc.) and if you can keep seeing the therapist for YOU, that's wonderful.  I started seeing a therapist several weeks back and it feels so good to be heard and to help provide tools to cope.  All the tools that are discussed are way easier to type than to practice, but I'm finding they are coming easier with time and repeated efforts.

I hope you can find some help for you and your child, and that your partner gets to the point of realizing help is needed.  Even if she doesn't, please continue to get help for yourself.

[Ozzie101]

Ray2017 has some very valuable advice here.

It's something that I struggled with (and still struggle with to an extent): I can't control H's rages. I can't stop them from happening. A couple of weeks ago, he flew completely off the handle about a change to the uniform policy at SS8's school. Totally unpredictable and that's not something I could have avoided -- at all. What I can do is focus on myself -- my reactions to things. And, during the calm times, practice healthy communication techniques. It's not easy, but I have noticed an improvement.

Have you looked at any of the articles and workshops about communication tools?

[spouseofBPD]

Stillhopeful4,

How exactly HAVE you coped then? When same as my wife, flipped that erotic switch OFF after you got married, and acted like, "Well, now that we are MARRIED... I shouldn't "have to" take care of my husband erotically/sensually as often anymore..."

This has been life-sucking for me, and been going on for 15 years now. My coping mechanisms are horrendous, and I know that, but, simply do not know what TO DO...

I AM A MAN...AND A DIFFERENT ONE ON TOP OF THAT. I DUNNO HOW FREQUENTLY OTHER COUPLES TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER'S NEEDS, BUT, JUST KNOWING A WOMAN PRETTY MUCH NORMALLY ONLY DESIRES SENSUAL EROTIC TOUCHING ONCE A FREAKING MONTH, AND A MAN NORMALLY DESIRES IT EVERY 48 HOURS...A WOMAN CAN ...(sorry for the caps)...a woman can "force" her husband to be on her erotic schedule through simple neglect, but, a man is screwed since he on the other hand, cannot in any way, shape, form, or fashion "force" his wife to be on his schedule or erotic pleasure, and sensual need... I cannot MAKE my wife want me, she either does or doesn't...she is either "in the mood" or she isn't. Even though I try to tell her, "IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU ARE IN THE MOOD OR NOT, I STILL NEED TOUCHES." I try to convey the simple truth, that you, as a woman, are not GOING TO BE in the mood for what I desire 90% of the time, right? So, just do it out of obligation, or duty, knowing it truly genuinely fulfills a need in your husband's body, mind, and spirit...

Same as we husband's force ourselves to help our wives in the kitchen, cooking, cleaning, helping her make something. We have absolutely NO DESIRE at all whatsoever to do stuff like that, normally, but, we DO IT, out of obligation and duty, why? Cuz we know our wives love it and appreciate it, us showing an interest in what they genuinely care about... If I only ever helped my wife when I truly FELT like it...THEN I NEVER WOULD.

I have only ever asked her for maybe 30 minutes of her time, three nights a week, ya know? That is like, an hour and a half, devoted to ONLY me, and my needs and desires, out of an entire week? IS that honestly too much to ask of a spouse?

How do you guys all deal with this issue of a spouse losing their erotic sensual desire after marriage? Our dating relationship and engagement were SO much more erotic than our marriage has ever been. It is like my wife just flipped that switch OFF inside of her, at the marriage altar...It has always been disheartening to me...I have tried SOO many things to improve it, to help her get that desire  back, that passion back...nothing ever changes...

And her having these regular BPD rage-fest explosions on me, does not help us want to feel close to one another one single bit...

Today is Day 16 though! 16 days since her last explosion. I am praying it was her LAST one, and am doing everything in my power to help change myself, so that she will not want TO explode on me, or in front of our sweet 2-year old...

Thank you guys SO much for sharing, and for opening up, and for showing me that there IS hope, living in this lifestyle we are all stuck in, with the unstable emotionalism...

[Stillhopeful4]

Stillhopeful4,
How exactly HAVE you coped then?

Well I just manage, but I am also a female...(married to a female).  So I suppose it's different for me.  For me it's not so much about needing the affection and more about just wanting her to want me.  It's been 18 months since the last time, so I just tune that part of my life out.

Have you tried reading through the lessons on here.  Learning more about validating has helped me tone down the rage-fests.

Wishing you the best of luck on this journey.

SH4