Taking responsibility (trying)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Taking responsibility for my part in this mess, has been one of the hardest things I’ve encountered so far during the post break up period with my ex BPDw.

The primary reason for this high degree of difficulty is easy for me to explain. You see, I’m black right now. And I’ve been black for well over a year. Furthermore, I’ve oftentimes reacted badly to it all (especially the smears). By engaging far too often in predictable, abusive ways that took me down into the rabbit hole of countertransference. Allow me to relate an example;

The Coffee

Our new neighbors seemed nice. Young with children, just like us. Why I agreed to a cookout at their house that day, I’ll never know. My then BPDw and I had not been getting along well inside our home for what seemed to be an unusual length of time (even for her).

I was working at the time of the planned get together and would be joining later on, if at all. BPDw knew that and I trusted her to let everyone know that. I didn’t want to hold anyone up or seem rude by arriving late due to the demands of my job at the time.

Then the text messages began coming in. Not from her at first, but from the dinner host, wanting to know when I’d be arriving. He had been holding dinner off on my account but simply couldn’t wait much longer. I thought to myself, “why was he expecting me on time, when BPDw knows I’m working?”

It wasn’t long after, that BPDw began calling me. Her tone had the familiar cadence of extreme submission to me (from earlier years) only now with just a smidge of fear thrown on top. “I know you really like your coffee after dinner, so I made a special trip home so that it will be ready for you”. She went further, “You just have to let me know, about what time you think you might be able to be here. No pressure whatsoever sweetie, ok? Just try to give a general time. I’m not prying or anything I swear.”  And for the trifecta, “I just don’t want it to get cold, I know how much you hate that, so just try giving me heads up, ok honey?”

I’d learn later, that the new neighbors had been listening in the background and that she’d also told them how grumpy I get, when I’m hungry and that they should try as best they can to hold dinner until I arrived.

At that time I hadn’t understood anything at all, about what she was doing but I remember getting that horrible odd feeling deep inside of me. She was icky sweet and fearfully submissive. Over the top and all done in full view of our new neighbors during our first formal get together. It is absolutely no bullsheist, what they say about first impressions.

That familiar voice inside of me tried really hard getting through to me that day. It screamed that danger was afoot. Yes, her demeanor was canned and contrived. That was par for the course most times with her. But now my inner voice was going off the charts because of the contrast and the context. 

Context explains that only hours prior, her behavior was in stark contrast to the present fakery.  When I left for work that day, she was fully engaged in her process, of inflicting an uninterrupted sustained campaign of screaming, invective and general malevolence towards me.  This had gone on unabated for weeks with a momentum that belied her own self declared status as an exhausted housewife. No energy to do much of anything else, but fight. No laundry, shopping, cleaning, dishes. She was miserable, unhappy with me and rarely missed an opportunity to let me know it. Anyway she could. And this day, was no different.

And now, only a few hours later, she’s compelled to act on her fears that fresh hot coffee made special from home, for me, was her #1 priority in life. Or else?

Needless to say, I arrive to their house late for dinner. I was harried, tired, confused and now very alarmed. Icky sweet had a way of doing that to me. When reading the faces of my hosts I saw anger. BPDw was now also really pouring on the icky sweet with PDA’s as I recoiled.  When the kids greeted me with the usual after work hugs and kisses, she shoos them away and warns them not to annoy me. It took longer for me that day to complete my work on time because of all the texts and phone calls and so, work remained on my mind as well. I had also remained in a vigilant defensive mode from the constant chaos with BPDw and even though we’re in mixed company, I had a hard time hiding it all.

That night, I make one of many, very bad impressions. But I don’t do it alone, I have her help and plenty of it. And today, I'm safe in the knowledge that all of it, is history. And that understanding what I need to do now in my life, is taking ownership of my past failures. I could have done a far better job of managing things. But it’s hard taking an honest inventory when your ex has never made a mistake and you’ve never done anything right.

Part of my post break up healing process keeps leading me to the act of playing back and analyzing the mental “tapes” of the many encounters much like the one just described. She’s never going to give me closure because she still needs me to shame the bad half of her, for her.

She’s going to continue to be disappointed.

Because even though we’ve had no contact for the past 6 months, she sends me plenty of messages indirectly through our kids and others as well. And then she waits for what she expects to be an inevitable overreaction from me, but seldom comes. Things like leaving the kids unsupervised at the home of known drug users. Selling the kids SNAP benefits. Calling the neighbor over to “discipline” my Boys. Parentifying my Daughter with inappropriate conversations. Sending the kids off to school in subzero weather with no hat or gloves everyday. I could go on but I’ll stop. (You’ve earned it!)

These are just some of the things I’ve been confronted with recently. And in the end, it’s only 2 things that keep me up at night with worry. 1.) Her lack of empathy 2.) Her lack of boundaries

There can be an enormous amount of hyperbole in even the most amicable of divorces. My perception of her empathy and boundary issues could mean that one day, she causes real physical harm to the kids or herself. Three years ago, she was confronted by me about her own pattern of self harm injuries. Her Psychiatrist and Social worker were brought in together for interventions after she broke her neck with no explanation. That was the last in a long series of serious unexplained orthopedic injuries. I thought I was saving her. But she ultimately turned that destruction towards me. Starting with a marathon smear campaign and ending with a quite literal rude awakening. Her 2nd heel kick (in as many nights) delivered to my ballsack as I slept, was to be the last night we’d ever share the same bed again.

When Icky Sweet immediately showed up and apologized profusely for those “accidental” kicks, I knew that day would be our last. Because she never apologized, for anything. So knowing that she’s harmed herself and me in the past, my question is in what possible shape might this illness manifest? In the absence of her anticipated countertransferent reaction from me, what can I do (if anything) about heading off the next destructive iteration, before it happens?

My children’s well being and perhaps even hers, may be hanging in the balance of your reply.

[GhostDad]

Taking responsibility for my part in this mess, has been one of the hardest things I’ve encountered so far during the post break up period with my ex BPDw.

The primary reason for this high degree of difficulty is easy for me to explain. You see, I’m black right now. And I’ve been black for well over a year. Furthermore, I’ve oftentimes reacted badly to it all (especially the smears). By engaging far too often in predictable, abusive ways that took me down into the rabbit hole of countertransference. Allow me to relate an example;

The Coffee

Our new neighbors seemed nice. Young with children, just like us. Why I agreed to a cookout at their house that day, I’ll never know. My then BPDw and I had not been getting along well inside our home for what seemed to be an unusual length of time (even for her).

I was working at the time of the planned get together and would be joining later on, if at all. BPDw knew that and I trusted her to let everyone know that. I didn’t want to hold anyone up or seem rude by arriving late due to the demands of my job at the time.

Then the text messages began coming in. Not from her at first, but from the dinner host, wanting to know when I’d be arriving. He had been holding dinner off on my account but simply couldn’t wait much longer. I thought to myself, “why was he expecting me on time, when BPDw knows I’m working?”

It wasn’t long after, that BPDw began calling me. Her tone had the familiar cadence of extreme submission to me (from earlier years) only now with just a smidge of fear thrown on top. “I know you really like your coffee after dinner, so I made a special trip home so that it will be ready for you”. She went further, “You just have to let me know, about what time you think you might be able to be here. No pressure whatsoever sweetie, ok? Just try to give a general time. I’m not prying or anything I swear.”  And for the trifecta, “I just don’t want it to get cold, I know how much you hate that, so just try giving me heads up, ok honey?”

I’d learn later, that the new neighbors had been listening in the background and that she’d also told them how grumpy I get, when I’m hungry and that they should try as best they can to hold dinner until I arrived.

At that time I hadn’t understood anything at all, about what she was doing but I remember getting that horrible odd feeling deep inside of me. She was icky sweet and fearfully submissive. Over the top and all done in full view of our new neighbors during our first formal get together. It is absolutely no bullsheist, what they say about first impressions.

That familiar voice inside of me tried really hard getting through to me that day. It screamed that danger was afoot. Yes, her demeanor was canned and contrived. That was par for the course most times with her. But now my inner voice was going off the charts because of the contrast and the context. 

Context explains that only hours prior, her behavior was in stark contrast to the present fakery.  When I left for work that day, she was fully engaged in her process, of inflicting an uninterrupted sustained campaign of screaming, invective and general malevolence towards me.  This had gone on unabated for weeks with a momentum that belied her own self declared status as an exhausted housewife. No energy to do much of anything else, but fight. No laundry, shopping, cleaning, dishes. She was miserable, unhappy with me and rarely missed an opportunity to let me know it. Anyway she could. And this day, was no different.

And now, only a few hours later, she’s compelled to act on her fears that fresh hot coffee made special from home, for me, was her #1 priority in life. Or else?

Needless to say, I arrive to their house late for dinner. I was harried, tired, confused and now very alarmed. Icky sweet had a way of doing that to me. When reading the faces of my hosts I saw anger. BPDw was now also really pouring on the icky sweet with PDA’s as I recoiled.  When the kids greeted me with the usual after work hugs and kisses, she shoos them away and warns them not to annoy me. It took longer for me that day to complete my work on time because of all the texts and phone calls and so, work remained on my mind as well. I had also remained in a vigilant defensive mode from the constant chaos with BPDw and even though we’re in mixed company, I had a hard time hiding it all.

That night, I make one of many, very bad impressions. But I don’t do it alone, I have her help and plenty of it. And today, I'm safe in the knowledge that all of it, is history. And that understanding what I need to do now in my life, is taking ownership of my past failures. I could have done a far better job of managing things. But it’s hard taking an honest inventory when your ex has never made a mistake and you’ve never done anything right.

Part of my post break up healing process keeps leading me to the act of playing back and analyzing the mental “tapes” of the many encounters much like the one just described. She’s never going to give me closure because she still needs me to shame the bad half of her, for her.

She’s going to continue to be disappointed.

Because even though we’ve had no contact for the past 6 months, she sends me plenty of messages indirectly through our kids and others as well. And then she waits for what she expects to be an inevitable overreaction from me, but seldom comes. Things like leaving the kids unsupervised at the home of known drug users. Selling the kids SNAP benefits. Calling the neighbor over to “discipline” my Boys. Parentifying my Daughter with inappropriate conversations. Sending the kids off to school in subzero weather with no hat or gloves everyday. I could go on but I’ll stop. (You’ve earned it!)

These are just some of the things I’ve been confronted with recently. And in the end, it’s only 2 things that keep me up at night with worry. 1.) Her lack of empathy 2.) Her lack of boundaries

There can be an enormous amount of hyperbole in even the most amicable of divorces. My perception of her empathy and boundary issues could mean that one day, she causes real physical harm to the kids or herself. Three years ago, she was confronted by me about her own pattern of self harm injuries. Her Psychiatrist and Social worker were brought in together for interventions after she broke her neck with no explanation. That was the last in a long series of serious unexplained orthopedic injuries. I thought I was saving her. But she ultimately turned that destruction towards me. Starting with a marathon smear campaign and ending with a quite literal rude awakening. Her 2nd heel kick (in as many nights) delivered to my ballsack as I slept, was to be the last night we’d ever share the same bed again.

When Icky Sweet immediately showed up and apologized profusely for those “accidental” kicks, I knew that day would be our last. Because she never apologized, for anything. So knowing that she’s harmed herself and me in the past, my question is in what possible shape might this illness manifest? In the absence of her anticipated countertransferent reaction from me, what can I do (if anything) about heading off the next destructive iteration, before it happens?

My children’s well being and perhaps even hers, may be hanging in the balance of your reply.

[vre]

Firstly, maybe this doesn't belong in the co-parenting section, since it doesn't relate directly to parenting.

Secondly, nothing better "hang in the balance" based on the replies you get on an anonymous internet board! You may get something useful (and almost all posters try to be helpful), but YMMV.

Looking over your posts, your situation sounds fairly dire. You have separate criminal and CPS cases going against you, and ability to practice your occupation is blocked by the criminal case?

It sounds like you'd best be served by dealing with the criminal case as expeditiously as possible. The divorce might drag out for a while, and having financial resources to apply can only help.

You made an oblique mention of plea deals. Lawyers oftentimes will advise clients to plea out a baseless charge, to get the case settled so the client can move on. This offers a certain short term advantage. But if the charge involves some sort of violent behavior, agreeing to accept any degree of culpability can do a lot of damage down the line with respect to custody decisions. If the charges are baseless, it may be worth considering contesting them, rather than accepting a black mark that will continue to follow you around. You might try posting on the Legal board, some of the veterans there have dealt with criminal charges.