Down time=constant thoughts?

[Cimbaruns]

I find myself making slow progress in my detaching process... . 4months NC and awaiting a divorce which she is making hard ... .

However... .

When I am focusing on work... . projects... . friends... . family... . I feel pretty good about myself and fact that I am getting on quite well without my ex in my life...

The thoughts of what the relationship brought... . all the craziness... . the anxiety... . it helps me re affirm that the r/ s was very toxic and would never have been anything but... .

Today I am finding myself a little less focused so my head is spinning again with thoughts of her... .

I know this is probably a silly question... .

But do any of you here experience the same thing...

I don't feel that I miss her and the love I felt for her has gone... . but she fills my head and keeps me in this swirling eddy of pain... . :'(

I used to love having alone time and was always able to do things that I enjoyed and my head was always clear ( well maybe not as much when we were together... . but I did have moments of clarity when I was enjoying things outdoors and doing things I was passionate about) .

It's like I've been hijacked... . and I can't seem to find that clarity in those particular moments I enjoy any more.

Can anyone here relate to any of this... .

This r/s has seemed to traumatized my very soul... . I don't seem to know who I am anymore... .

[JackBlacknBlue]

experiencing same thing today regarding my pwBPD.  Triggered by photos someone just sent to me.  Came to forum to try to get some relief.  My head also spinning and I too used to love my alone time.  Today it is hard.  My head and soul feel infected.

Cimbaruns, you're not alone in feeling this today.

[Infared]

I can tell you that I identify with those feelings. I lived with mine for 5 years.  I always wanted to fix it after she ran off. . Our relationship meant the world to me. I had to have absolutely NC because she became someone that I did not know. Lying , abusive... . just a total stranger.  It has always been very unsettling for me. Like, I wish I hadn't learned that it was possible for something like that to even happen in life.  Kind of like an atomic bomb... . well since we have seen that kind of destruction we certainly haven't done that again... .

[jibber]

I can identify with the feeling VERY MUCH.

I used to make music passionately, almost every day for hours. I haven't made ANY music since january. I tried, i even tried putting all my equipment in front of the couch... . I can't anymore. I always made my music with my heart... . People always told me there's soul and heart in my music. They called it beautiful or happy or uplifting... .

I can't anymore, i don't find it anymore within myself no matter how hard i'm trying to look.

I trust it will come back, but for now i stored away all my equipment.

[Infared]

Jibber... . it will come back... . your music is something connected to you soul... . you have depth and your soul has been damaged because you heart was "all-in" in your relationship.  Once you heal your music will come back with a passion... I am a photographer and I could not shoot. Eventually it was that passion that saved me and my heart. I put my hurt soulful energy into my images. it was cathartic. My work ended up in a show on museum mile in NYC and I was fulfilled with my art... . it always gives back... . no wondering!  ... be patient and love you... . it will come back.

[Cimbaruns]

It does feel as if my "soul" is indeed infected.JackBlack

Jibber... . I totally understand where you are with your music... . it's seems as if our creative parts can't seem to surface... .

The head and heart... . well what's going on for my head and heart... .

My head is saying all the right things to my heart... .

My heart... . even though it's let go of her... . still hurting from the deep scar she inflicted

My head... . knows all well that the r/s was infectious and damaging... .

But it seems to run so much deeper... . the depths of my soul are so very wounded... . I sometimes feel like I will never be me again...

I just wonder why each and everyday seems the same with the way thoughts of her totally consume me

[trappedinlove]

I find myself making slow progress in my detaching process... . 4months NC and awaiting a divorce which she is making hard ... .

However... .

When I am focusing on work... . projects... . friends... . family... . I feel pretty good about myself and fact that I am getting on quite well without my ex in my life...

The thoughts of what the relationship brought... . all the craziness... . the anxiety... . it helps me re affirm that the r/ s was very toxic and would never have been anything but... .

Today I am finding myself a little less focused so my head is spinning again with thoughts of her... .

I know this is probably a silly question... .

But do any of you here experience the same thing...

Very much.  I too find her presence spinning in my head whenever I'm not busy with anything else.

I don't feel that I miss her and the love I felt for her has gone... . but she fills my head and keeps me in this swirling eddy of pain... . :'(

I used to love having alone time and was always able to do things that I enjoyed and my head was always clear ( well maybe not as much when we were together... . but I did have moments of clarity when I was enjoying things outdoors and doing things I was passionate about) .

It's like I've been hijacked... . and I can't seem to find that clarity in those particular moments I enjoy any more.

Can anyone here relate to any of this... .

Totally!  For me it's been longer since I enjoyed and was focused and productive being alone.

Since 2006-7 or so, as I went through marriage break up and a very dramatic period with my daughter (dBPD traits) and late-ex-wif and that happened before and throughout my BPD r/s.  :)uring this time I found my peace of mind being alone indoors or outdoors when I was with her and felt anxious and depressed without her.  I felt like I'm addicted to her body chemistry, voice, touch, conversation, and presence in general and I still feel dependent on that to an extent. So yes, I can relate to all of this, definitely.

This r/s has seemed to traumatized my very soul... . I don't seem to know who I am anymore... .

Cimbaruns, I'm with you on that.  I know exactly how it feels.

The good news is that this crisis is a great opportunity to build ourselves up in a better way.

"It's always darkest before dawn", right?

[jibber]

Jibber... . it will come back... . your music is something connected to you soul... . you have depth and your soul has been damaged because you heart was "all-in" in your relationship.  Once you heal your music will come back with a passion... I am a photographer and I could not shoot. Eventually it was that passion that saved me and my heart. I put my hurt soulful energy into my images. it was cathartic. My work ended up in a show on museum mile in NYC and I was fulfilled with my art... . it always gives back... . no wondering!  ... be patient and love you... . it will come back.

I think what makes this especially hard for me with the music is... .

I had to defend my music making to her. One time she broke up with me because i tried to explain her i need more time for the music making (she thought i can do it in an hour or two after she goes to bed at 22:00).

To her it was stupid. It was a music style she didn't like (oldschool hip hop) and since it isn't my profession it didn't make any sense to her anyway. Regardless of the fact that it always made me forget time, regardless of the fact that i had close to a thousand people following me on youtube, regardless of the fact that i have various collaborations to show with various MC's from all around the globe (people who found my music online and wanted to work with me without me asking them for it), regardless of the fact there's an album on itunes, amazon etc that people can buy which includes a song i have produced... . It isn't my profession and i'm not paying my bills with it, so she could never understand why i wanted to "waste" precious time doing it (which i could have spent with HER).

I was always a modest person. I was naturally shy about my creative side, always... . I have many songs i produced that nobody has ever heard because i fear they are "not good enough".

So with her telling me for one year that my music is silly and a waste of time... . It really hit me to the core.

I know this passion is still there. I have music in my heart since i can remember... . My mom used to tell me even when i was only three years old, i would have spent hours in the living room listening to mozart and beethoven with headphones. I know it will come back eventually.

I tried putting all these emotions from the breakup into music too... . Just doesn't work right now... .

Thanks for your encouraging words nonetheless! I have a love for photography myself. I can imagine how good that felt when your work was displayed so publicly!

I'm patiently waiting, not trying to force it. It will come back, like i am slowly finding the way back to my true self.

Thank you Infared!

[trappedinlove]

I used to make music passionately, almost every day for hours. I haven't made ANY music since january. I tried, i even tried putting all my equipment in front of the couch... . I can't anymore. I always made my music with my heart... . People always told me there's soul and heart in my music. They called it beautiful or happy or uplifting... .

I can't anymore, i don't find it anymore within myself no matter how hard i'm trying to look.

I trust it will come back, but for now i stored away all my equipment.

Jibber, me too.  I've been making music as a hobby since I was a kid and I felt like I completely lost my ability to compose and write.

I play the guitar and trying to return to it felt so hard and draining to me, but I still wanted to find a path back to music.

About a month ago I decided to try African drumming as a way to connect back to music via a more primal path so I joined a class and bought a Djembe drum so I can practice at home; and you know what, FINALLY I'm feeling it's coming back... .

I'm in touch with it.  I find myself practising and connecting with the instrument, happily losing myself again in the music.  The people I've met in the drumming class are wonderful.  We also have workshops that include African dance and I find the people there so happy and energetic.  I've really missed that and I'm so happy to be back and being part of it.

[seeking balance]

This is pretty normal Cimbaruns.

When I was able to get still, what I realized was my thoughts were surrounding an emotion I was trying to process that may or may not be related to my ex.

For you, it really is new - it helped me when I "radically accepted" the thoughts would happen. 

My 2 actions at handling:

1-  was to actively let them float by (meditation practice helped) or figure out what emotion was behind them.  You know how you can focus on reading  a book, but a TV radio and dishwasher might be on too?  Think of your ex as the dishwasher - it is there, but not the focus - you don't try to pretend it isn't there, just refocus.

2- dig deep, what emotion is going on and how can I give myself the time/space to let that emotion process.  Is the emotion related to ex or is the ex a mask covering up another painful emotion.  Journals help here.

With time, this will lessen - but honestly, if I get really overwhelmed with something out of my control - that tends to be a trigger of thinking about my ex.  I am glad I can put 2+2 together now, but it doesn't change the feelings - they just flow throw quicker.

Keep posting!

Peace,

SB

[Infared]

Yes... jibber... . I did not talk about the whole interaction with my photography with my ex.  It was all soo telling... . but I knew nothing about BPD when I was with her. I met her thru photography work. Once we got together, she stopped taking photos... . saying mine was so much better than hers that she was embarrassed etc. (EXTREMELY low self esteem).  I did nothing but encourage her to shoot. She LOVED animals and I just tried to encourage her in a totally loving (non overbearing) way to maybe photograph animals and pets.  With lots of love, patience and understanding.  She NEVER took a photo for the 5 years that we lived together.   I felt sad for her... but just dropped the subject.

The thing is (and I think this is common in non-BPD relationships, too)... . if you love someone... . and they REALLY love doing something postitive, shouldn't you be patient, loving and supportive of their activity?

Mine started trying to play guitar and I got her a "come-to-the-house" guitar teacher.  I would leave... . I just was supportive and tried to stay out of it and not judge, or compare or anything.  She just stopped, got down on herself that she was worthless, etc.  I still just loved her and tried to understand her... (now I think she probably had sex with the guitar teacher... . not kidding).  

If someone you love is telling you to stop, it is selfish, controlling and non-loving in my world.  I know I pay way more attention now to how people act around me. That is for sure.

[jibber]

The thing is (and I think this is common in non-BPD relationships, too)... . if you love someone... . and they REALLY love doing something postitive, shouldn't you be patient, loving and supportive of their activity?

If someone you love is telling you to stop, it is selfish, controlling and non-loving in my world.  I know I pay way more attention now to how people act around me. That is for sure.

I agree 100%!

She always tried to put it that way too, until i actually wanted to sit down and make music (which would have meant doing something for myself, which triggered her abandonment issues (what the hell do i know))... .

[Cimbaruns]

Infared

I found early on... . that my ex was so intrigued and excited about things that were my passions... . even trying to participate in the ones that you could tell seemed to take her out of her comfort zone... . she too enjoyed photography... . but soon after stopped... .

Eventually the bubble burst and she began to find most of the things I enjoyed to be not to her liking anymore... . in fact... . I would end up doing most of those alone... . I still found enjoyment in them though... .

Now when I seem to do them... . it's like they are not the same for me ... . they don't hold the same excitement... .

I believe I do have to get back to my core self... . it seems that I don't don't where I went at times!

Seekingbalance

I used to put these thoughts "on little leaves" and imagine them floating down a fast moving stream... . and it seemed to work at times... .

However it seems like it's just not one single emotion that I'm feeling... . it's like a swirl of things... . like I am angry sad conflicted... . all at once... . all consuming if you will.

Although you say it's normal... . it's so debilitating at times... .

To be honest it feels like she is still coming at me from all sides... . only in my head... .

[Cimbaruns]

Jibber I think you hit it on the head

I think doing the things we enjoyed ... . took us away from them

They probably were triggered and thought they were being abandoned... .

I remember going on a backpacking trip with my older son last year... . we had planned it when my ex and I broke up (which I thought was for good)

We had planned it 7 mos in advance and were looking forward to spending time together doing something we both loved.

I remember not being able to contact her for a few days and when I finally called to check in... . she raged at me about the fact that she couldn't freely contact me and that she couldn't believe I would leave her and go away!

She turned a most wonderful trip to S@&t... . I remember how truly awful she made me feel... .

Now I just want to do those things and not have her fill my head... .

She still seems to traumatize ... . and infect

What a horrible feeling... .

[Infared]

Cimba...

I think a "whole" person has passions in their life. I think that you are still just too close to the break-up and in time your passion for her will separate out.  To me, what you are telling me is how much you loved her. She was a passion, too. The thing that sucks is that there is never enough love for them, because they are sick and cannot love themselves. Mine doesn't even think I loved her very much. It is upsetting. If she knew how I suffered for the way that she treated me I don't think that she has the capability to understand or believe it. I (and possibly you), was stuck with the whole mess while she just ran off with the new hero and painted me black.   Takes time to get better, but I definitely still have scars.

(BTW)... . I think our passions did bring up abandonment (my pwBPD's father ran off with the dog when she was five yrs. old), fear and resentment... . I just wish that I had known about the disease then. In the end it may not have made any difference, though. Who knows. Life is so complicated.

[Cimbaruns]

Infrared

Rings true... . she WAS a "passion" as well

Too raw for me still... .

And you're right... . she would probably be incapable of understanding just how much I loved her... .

And hello? Running off with another... . well that was okay with her too... . rip my heart out and drag it along... .

I guess I'll take that emotion and put it on the "little leave" and send it down the stream!

Life is complicated ... . But none of us here would ask for any of this... . Ouch!

[jibber]

I think in this moments when they felt abandoned, we "showed" them how much we loved them. It's sad, but i know in those moments, in her thinking, i told her "i love my music more than you.". Because how could i choose between music and her? In her mind those two things could not co-exist. From her world, i understand the issue.

Then again, she also could not understand at all how two people in a relationship could want "me-time". I always told her it would be healthy to have time for oneself, even in a marriage. She told me i was not normal for thinking this. God how guilty i felt! Sigh... .

One of the first things i was told when i finally went to therapy: "It's very healthy and important to have time for oneself and time to have personal hobbies and passions, even if you would be married.". She said the therapist must be crazy.

In the end, in the last emails we wrote to each other, i finally realized what you guys are saying here too. She never understood how much i love her, and she never understood how she ever hurt me. For them it's such a different world.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I definitely can relate to the infected soul feelings.  My emotions are not on the surface 24/7, but I do struggle.  The weekends are bad, and my quiet time isn't really quiet in my mind. 

The intensity HAS lessened, and I hope for all of you that is true or becomes true soon.  Nothing worse than the anxiety producing intensity that our BPD left with us.  I am NC longer than at any point in the 3+ yr. rs, that's huge, and it finally does feel over.

CiF

[Cimbaruns]

Jibber

I think for me... . when I'm able to really "love" myself for who I am again,... . is when the passion for those things that enlighten me will re surface and invigorate me... .

The same holds true for you... . your passion for music will fill you once again... .

I can't help but feel that there is an aha moment coming soon... .

I wish that aha moment for you as well... .

We just have to get to that place... . all of us.

Keep posting... . I find all of you are the little pieces that my soul needs in order to heal  

[jibber]

Keep posting... . I find all of you are the little pieces that my soul needs in order to heal  

I want to second that. I know the biggest "piece" has to come from myself, but holy spaghetti monster does it feel good to be understood a little! I find a lot of strenght here on this site and feel very grateful to have a place like this where we can just write and let it all out... .

[jibber]

I definitely can relate to the infected soul feelings.  My emotions are not on the surface 24/7, but I do struggle.  The weekends are bad, and my quiet time isn't really quiet in my mind. 

The intensity HAS lessened, and I hope for all of you that is true or becomes true soon. 

This too describes pretty much exactly how i feel. Still could use more of that "the intensity has lessened"... . But i have a lot of faith this will be better with time (and reflection).

[Conundrum]

With music, what has helped, is too keep in mind that there are technical elements that can always be practiced which are relatively devoid of emotion. Sometimes repetively playing exercises becomes its own soothing mantra, in that the note or chord remains a stable and perfect goal.

The feelings articulated here, which can feel tragic or negative, are the channels and bridges through which a transitional context forms, leading towards a greater peace. It is a sense of self that is able to find comfort in the way of all things. Without debilitating craving that clings to the past. Then with each breath the tinge of sadness becomes so subtle that it no longer disturbs a feeling of acceptance with one's place in the world--and that blessings may come in many guises.

[seeking balance]

I used to put these thoughts "on little leaves" and imagine them floating down a fast moving stream... . and it seemed to work at times... .

Keep doing the practice, even if is doesn't bring instant relief, it is good.

Mine was waves coming in and taking the "sand" back out

However it seems like it's just not one single emotion that I'm feeling... . it's like a swirl of things... . like I am angry sad conflicted... . all at once... . all consuming if you will.

Although you say it's normal... . it's so debilitating at times... .

To be honest it feels like she is still coming at me from all sides... . only in my head... .

This is normal to feel - it sucks, absolutely - this is where discipline will really help you stay focused... . honestly, going through this is the way to heal.

Falling apart - we don't talk about it much - but I kinda fell apart at a point when my divorce was finally done and all the chaos stopped and it was just me - that required a lot more of me than I knew - I thought the hard part was leaving, filing the divorce, etc.

The hard part was being alone in it all finished - that was when my head started spinning like yours is now. 

Keep doing all the things you have learned:  visualizations, posting here, exercise, eating, safe people - be with you so you can have the time to get to the other side.  You will be creating a new normal for your world - it will be ok, but part of the process is this phase... . many people bail at this point.  I see people leave the boards, get into new relationships, go back in one form or the other - anything to not feel this... . it is important and you can do it.

The silver lining - there is a peace and a strength afterwards you feel feel that is a very solid thread to your being - no easy button, but it is there.  You are right, there is an "aha" moment, but it is subtle and will happen when you let go.

Peace,

SB

[Infared]

yeah... . it does feel good to vent some of this stuff out... . to people who understand... . kind of helps my sanity and soothes me a little. Like I did not imagine this and it has happened to others. There is not decent, understanding, graceful way out of these relationships... . and damn... . if you were hooked like I was... . are they painful.