His birthday is Thursday... please help me stay silent...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Dear Wonderful People in this Boat of Misery with me:

I am sure many of you have been through this moment.  As a giver, I love giving thoughtful presents.  I remember almost everyone's birthday I've ever met. 

I am single and have three wonderful boys, ages 12, 9 and 9 (twins).

Tomorrow is my first day of work at a new job - after ten years as a stay-at-home-mom.   HUGE change for me and for the children, who will have a sitter here at home from 3-6 p.m.

My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer on 12/20/12 and is at MD Anderson hoping for a miracle.  My mother passed away from cancer in 2004.

I grew up in Mississippi but have lived 15 hours away since finishing graduate school in 1995.  I am alone in VA without any family around aside from my former husband and his family.

My uBPDexbf's birthday is Thursday.  It is our tradition to celebrate our birthdays at Flemings.  This is our first birthday apart since the downward spiral began in July.  He knows about Daddy's diagnosis but does not know about my job.  We dated a year and a half and planned to marry once our children were out of high school.  I thought he was my second chance at a happy life.   I have not sent him a text in 7 days.  He has made no contact with me since December 29th and that was a simple response to one of my texts.  I have not actually seen him since November.

I have way too much going on to be sad about someone who has been unkind to me.  I have too much on my plate to feel guilty for not wishing him a happy birthday.

Right? 

Cookie (who has had the handle onetoughcookie for years and now finds it ironic since I have been stripped bare of my fortitude by BPD)  :'(

[cookiecrumbled]

Dear Wonderful People in this Boat of Misery with me:

I am sure many of you have been through this moment.  As a giver, I love giving thoughtful presents.  I remember almost everyone's birthday I've ever met. 

I am single and have three wonderful boys, ages 12, 9 and 9 (twins).

Tomorrow is my first day of work at a new job - after ten years as a stay-at-home-mom.   HUGE change for me and for the children, who will have a sitter here at home from 3-6 p.m.

My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer on 12/20/12 and is at MD Anderson hoping for a miracle.  My mother passed away from cancer in 2004.

I grew up in Mississippi but have lived 15 hours away since finishing graduate school in 1995.  I am alone in VA without any family around aside from my former husband and his family.

My uBPDexbf's birthday is Thursday.  It is our tradition to celebrate our birthdays at Flemings.  This is our first birthday apart since the downward spiral began in July.  He knows about Daddy's diagnosis but does not know about my job.  We dated a year and a half and planned to marry once our children were out of high school.  I thought he was my second chance at a happy life.   I have not sent him a text in 7 days.  He has made no contact with me since December 29th and that was a simple response to one of my texts.  I have not actually seen him since November.

I have way too much going on to be sad about someone who has been unkind to me.  I have too much on my plate to feel guilty for not wishing him a happy birthday.

Right? 

Cookie (who has had the handle onetoughcookie for years and now finds it ironic since I have been stripped bare of my fortitude by BPD)  :'(

[Rose Tiger]

It hasn't been very long since seeing him so it can be tough to not acknowledge this day.  I do think that if you did, it will open some confusion for him and reopen wounds for you.  Especially if he responded in a positive way.  Then it's back to square one with wondering why it all had to end.  Better to send up a prayer of well wishes.  Maybe get a little something for your Dad instead.  I'm sorry that he is so ill.  It reminds me of the movie Hope Floats where she is rebuilding her life, marriage is over, new job, her mother passes on and she somehow keeps it all together.  My mother also passed away from cancer in 2004.  It is difficult without family support nearby.  If others can do it, so can we.  I hope that you meet some great people through your job.  You are setting a great example for your boys on how to persevere when times get difficult.  Good job you.

[Tausk]

Cookie:

Hang in there.  It's very difficult.  And so much going on.

Poster "2010" once replied to a similar question with the advice to: buy a cupcake, light a candle, sing happy birthday, blow out the candle, eat the cupcake in celebration, and as a gift to your ex wBPD, keep NC.   As 2010 has often said, keeping NC is the kindest gift that we can give them.  Any additional interaction pulls both parties further into the disorder.  As 2010 also said many times, the kindest gift we can give to them is NC.  I always thought I could help, but the more I tried, the more we were both pulled into the disorder.

Birthday's were always stressful for my and my ex b/c they were both so important for her, but at the same time, there was quite a lot of forced self-awareness.  But I've been focusing on what is my meaning in life.  My meaning for so long was to fill the void in my ex wBPD's soul.  But she is like a high-powered emotional garbage disposal.  No matter what and how much I pour in, it gets blended into the disorder and lost forever. 

But my life's meaning is now about service to myself, my family, friends and my community, which has a lasting beneficial effect.  Unlike my ex where everything was basically a temporary pain killer for the moment.

It sounds like you have more than enough on your plate for life to be meaningful.  I hope you find some happiness together with that meaning.  I believe that you will.

In support SP

[Confusedandhurt]

Cookie,

I'm so very sorry for what you're going through.  My dad passed away from cancer in 2002, and I remember going through those times.  He and my mom lived with me as he was being treated, and it was painful to watch him deteriorate over the year he was treated.  In addition, my uBPDgf broke up with me via a text message last July, so I can relate to what you're going through there as well.  It's very hard to stay NC.  My ex would at times reach out to me via text, email, or phone call, but then when I reached back I was asked not to contact her.  I finally decided not to respond to any contact from her any longer, but it has been hard.  Just last week she called me 8 times in one day, followed by 3 text messages telling me that she was worried about me and wanted to make sure I was ok.

As hard as it will be for you, i suggest that you not contact him any further.  Good for you that you have great kids and a new job!  You don't need the pain that any contact would trigger.  It has already helped me keep some semblance of leverage, knowing that I don't have to respond to any contact from her.  I hope you would feel the same.    Yes, it must be so hard wanting to reach out to him on his birthday, but would he do the same for yours?  Mine never acknowledged my recent birthday, which told me a lot (we had been together 4.5 years).

You have friends on this board.  You can also look online to find groups to join in your area to meet new friends.  Just know that there are folks here who care.

All the best!

[seeking balance]

Schroder gave you wise advice.  Contacting him to relieve your guilt wouldn't really be a gift would it?

It's hard and you likely will cry when you realize you can't and shouldn't call... .  it will pass... send him a silent wish to the universe... .  but sit in your emotions as your gift to him.

Peace,

SB

[Changed4safety]

 

I lost my Dad to cancer a year ago Dec. 14.  My mom was an alcoholic and terrorized me as a child, and my Dad ran interference, so there was a LOT going on at his (unepxected) passing.  (He was declining at 91, fell, an MRI from a few weeks before showed melanoma riddling his spine, and he passed a week after the diagnosis.)

Throughout, my BPD was trying to be supportive, but having issues with medications and ended up traumatizing me further.  Took me a year to the day of Dad's passing to walk away.

Please, please do be strong and don't contact him.  You have others (including you) who need to be there more.  I am wrestling with guilt over how much my exBPDbf took me away from my father in the last years of his life, physically and also mentally.  I'm so glad I was there with my Dad at the end.  

I found myself reaching out right after the breaking, because I was with my Mom for the holidays and so much, from childhood and also from Dad's death, came back to me.  It was a huge mistake.  We have been LC for about a week now, and it's been much better; exBPD actually texted me to tell me that, and got anxious because I didn't respond right away, LOL!  It's funny, but you get the point.

Focus on your father, and give yourself, your dad, and your ex the gift of that redirected attention.  And also, sending up a prayer is good too.  

[myself]

In a way, just thinking about it is sending him a happy birthday. Direct contact may not be in either of your best interests, though. I've gone through this too, feeling that build-up to the day itself, wondering which way I should go with it, saying something or not. When I found that to do so would be going backwards, and open up old wounds more than heal them, setting up those dominoes of expectations and unanswered questions, I did as others here have done: Said a prayer (etc.) and sent it on its way, without actually putting it in a card or email or whatever. The intent was good. The energy will get there. The path ahead remains more clear. EACH day happier, not just birthdays.

[just me.]

I suspect we've all had moments where our better judgment tells us not to do stuff life like this, but the temptation is overwhelming.  After I was betrayed and torn apart in every way I could imagine, I would still reach out to my ex in little generous ways - and the little reciprocation of sweet appreciation she provided felt like nicorette gum for my little addicted soul.  Perhaps every single thing I had done for her for seven years had become meaningless/horrible/destructive in her eyes... .  but at least she was soo grateful that I picked her up from the car mechanic.

Just remember... .  all the kindness and compassion you show is like throwing it down a well.  It too will be forgotten and lost and taken from you.  And even if you think you are reaching out in a strictly unselfish and compassionate manner - it still hurts to see your best attempts at being the best person you can be eventually taken from you and twisted around.  It doesn't help.  It's a fix for our addictions.  It doesn't help.

[Changed4safety]

Just remember... .  all the kindness and compassion you show is like throwing it down a well.  It too will be forgotten and lost and taken from you.  And even if you think you are reaching out in a strictly unselfish and compassionate manner - it still hurts to see your best attempts at being the best person you can be eventually taken from you and twisted around.  It doesn't help.  It's a fix for our addictions.  It doesn't help.

... .  This. 

[cookiecrumbled]

Everyone - so so true.  All of it.  Thank you.

The thing that makes me the most sad is that I know he wouldn't respond.  I have to say that I am a little jealous of all of you who keep getting contacted by your pwBPD.  Mine cut me off and it was like I never existed - like the last year and a half was a complete dream in my head.

If I did text him Happy birthday and he didn't respond, it would make me feel even worse than I do now.  And I can just imagine him rolling his eyes at getting a text from me.  He is probably expecting roses or balloons or some grand gesture or thoughtful, sentimental gift.  I won't do anything.   

I never did anything to him but love him.  Yet, I have been in a constant state of having my feelings are hurt for the last 8 months.  Feeling like a third grader and a classmate said to me, "I don't like you anymore and I don't want to be your friend ever again." 

I will stay silent.  But I'll probably cry more than usual that day.  What's a few more tears... .  Thanks again, everyone.

Cookie

[just me.]

The thing that makes me the most sad is that I know he wouldn't respond.  I have to say that I am a little jealous of all of you who keep getting contacted by your pwBPD.  Mine cut me off and it was like I never existed - like the last year and a half was a complete dream in my head.

It's not just you.  I was left (not "leaving", and I also have no tempting offers of re-engagement that I must overcome.  I know it's hard to see, but be grateful he is forcing upon you this opportunity to gather your strength, wisdom, and willpower for the day when you may need it.

I know the idea of him returning your phone calls or expressing desire for you probably sounds awfully empowering and soothing.  If he were healthy, then maybe it would be.  But we are all here because we were all left with nothing to hold onto in the end.  Those that are recycled end up back on the boards feeling just as low as you and I now do.

In the history of your knowing him, I'd assume there were plenty of times that he did return your phone calls and express desire for you, were there not?  I suspect you'd trade 20 of the reassuring moments of your past for just one to come tomorrow... .  there are days that I would, too.  But the moments of the todays and the tomorrows get taken, too.  It's the way it works with this darned BPD.  Other than *lessons* and *experience* and *wisdom* and *introspection*, you're not ever going to end up feeling like you got what you needed.  That's why we're all here.