I hate you, you broke me, i love you

[radoe]

So here I am after many years of marriage to a woman I adore.

Things are getting worse for her.

Our mutual psychologist recommended reading I hate you don't leave me by Keisman.

Of course the psychologist will not tell me my wife's diagnosis.

It is tough.
lets here from you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey Fatherpeace

Good to know you're seeking help, we support each other here so you're in good company 

Things are getting worse for her.

How so?

Our mutual psychologist recommended reading I hate you don't leave me by Keisman.

How's the reading been so far? anything stands out that you'd like to discuss?

[radoe]

My BPD has less time between down swings, she feels guilty, yet angry like a wounded caged animal.  She is also disabled and knows she can not take care of herself.
She is still in denial most of the time.

What helps in the reading is the importance of consistency, probably why we have been married 20+ years.   The SET principal is also proving effective.

S  support, using an I statement
E  empathy  (has to be genuine, not winey of sympathetic)
T  truth,  Always tell the truth, they are responsible for their hell, not me, not anyone else.
     (now they may not be able to help them self at the moment, but the misery comes
       from within them)
 

[once removed]

hi Fatherpeace. i want to join itsmeSnap in welcoming you to the family.

20 years of marriage is a long time. i can sense your love and commitment. at the same time, its so hard to watch our loved ones struggle.

you mention shes very angry - is she angry at you, angry at herself, angry at life? how does she express the anger?

how about you? how are you coping?

[radoe]

Yup you got it.
The target of the anger changes.
me,
the boys,
the doctors,
God,
her parents,
her friends (not)

Anger is a coping tool used to cover fear, and helplessness.

I handle it by not accepting as much as possible.
I hand it off to God, and the army of tired angels that watch over us all.

By handing it off I have time to evaluate the claims objectively, accept responsibility when it is the right thing to do and implement changes.  it is more effective if this is done without talking about it.  When change is observed by the BPD, they realize there is  cosistancy, stability and unconditional love.  Yes the love id different than when we first met, but it is strong.
I really believe in my core that love is one of the few forces that brings the universe together. Love transcends gravity, space and time.

So I am hanging pretty strong.

[Doughboy]

Of course the psychologist will not tell me my wife's diagnosis.

The Psychologist telling you to read "I hate you, Don't leave me", IS telling you the diagnosis.

Study hard and try to be patient.  It takes time and effort on all sides to make things work.