We are back. One year of new Parenting Plan and now this

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I see there are still some familiar names on here from back when we were going through our Parenting Plan battle.  I have not posted much in the last year, because once our new plan went into effect, things really calmed down.  We followed most of the advice we got here, and got ourselves a clear plan which gave exBPD no wiggle room.  Right out of the gate she tried to change stuff, or re-word it in her special way, but she could not argue.

Anyhow, I mentioned before, that when I was pregnant, she was acting super crazy.  My child was born and she announced less than 3 months later she was pregnant. She has a new baby that is 9.5 months younger than mine with a man she did not know for more than a few weeks before she got pregnant.  He needed a greencard so they married shortly after she was pregnant. We were concerned at first, but he seemed like an OK guy, so we have left that alone.

Now fast forward to now.  1 year post awesome new parenting plan.  We found out through a mutual friend that exBPDs new husband accepted a job last month in a state that is about 6 states over from where we are.  They have been telling child who is now 8 that it is a temp job and he will be back.  exBPD confided in a friend (Who felt it was the right thing to do to tell us, even though friend knew it might mean facing the wrath of exBPD) that exBPD is actually planning to move there with child at the end of this school year.  She is going to keep it secret and then file the paperwork at the last minute.

Today she informed us she is adding the child to her husbands insurance plan in that state.  She says it is because she doesn't trust that our insurance is enough.  Whatever, that means nothing.  But she is obvs trying to set up residency there, before she springs on us that she is planning to move. She really thinks she has the upper hand right now because she doesn't think we know she is planning to move in June.

Really, moving is the only way she can get past our parenting plan.  Our state has very specific rules about not even revisiting a plan until it has been in place for 2 years minimum.  If she gets granted this move, she will get full control and we will become Summer parents.

Now, after all of that catch up, my questions and the facts as of now:

Fact: right now, she has no idea that we know her plans, so that gives us some upper hand.  If anyone has been through thins, some pre-planning advice would be awesome

Question: Has anyone been through this? She is primary parent, Dad is secondary parent.  We have her every other week for 5 days and split holidays, are very active in her school etc. The law here states she has to inform us 60 days in advance, we have 30 days to file a response and then we have to wait for court to have a judge decide if the move is better for the child or not.   The mom's burden of proof is to prove this move to be with her husband will make their life better and more stable.  

Fact: Our attorney told us there is really nothing we can do until we get served.  He said it will all come down to the judge.  Some judges would never seperate a mom from their kids, and some won't let a mom just move away if there is a stable father.  

Fact: The job he moved for is a lower paying job.  It isn't like he moved and is making $100k a year, it is a $35-40k job.  That doesn't seem like enough to support a family of 4.

Fact: My husband and I have been together 3xs as long, own a successful business, I made twice as much as step dad and have been at my job for 6 years, and we have a sibling in our house as well.

Question:  Is there anything any of you that have been through this that you might suggest we should be doing.  I'm guessing we will get served between Feb and April.  I'd love to start getting things in place.  Should we be volunteering more in school, getting more documented?  What kinds of things did your judges look at if you have been through this before?

Thanks so much!  

[hell0kitty]

I see there are still some familiar names on here from back when we were going through our Parenting Plan battle.  I have not posted much in the last year, because once our new plan went into effect, things really calmed down.  We followed most of the advice we got here, and got ourselves a clear plan which gave exBPD no wiggle room.  Right out of the gate she tried to change stuff, or re-word it in her special way, but she could not argue.

Anyhow, I mentioned before, that when I was pregnant, she was acting super crazy.  My child was born and she announced less than 3 months later she was pregnant. She has a new baby that is 9.5 months younger than mine with a man she did not know for more than a few weeks before she got pregnant.  He needed a greencard so they married shortly after she was pregnant. We were concerned at first, but he seemed like an OK guy, so we have left that alone.

Now fast forward to now.  1 year post awesome new parenting plan.  We found out through a mutual friend that exBPDs new husband accepted a job last month in a state that is about 6 states over from where we are.  They have been telling child who is now 8 that it is a temp job and he will be back.  exBPD confided in a friend (Who felt it was the right thing to do to tell us, even though friend knew it might mean facing the wrath of exBPD) that exBPD is actually planning to move there with child at the end of this school year.  She is going to keep it secret and then file the paperwork at the last minute.

Today she informed us she is adding the child to her husbands insurance plan in that state.  She says it is because she doesn't trust that our insurance is enough.  Whatever, that means nothing.  But she is obvs trying to set up residency there, before she springs on us that she is planning to move. She really thinks she has the upper hand right now because she doesn't think we know she is planning to move in June.

Really, moving is the only way she can get past our parenting plan.  Our state has very specific rules about not even revisiting a plan until it has been in place for 2 years minimum.  If she gets granted this move, she will get full control and we will become Summer parents.

Now, after all of that catch up, my questions and the facts as of now:

Fact: right now, she has no idea that we know her plans, so that gives us some upper hand.  If anyone has been through thins, some pre-planning advice would be awesome

Question: Has anyone been through this? She is primary parent, Dad is secondary parent.  We have her every other week for 5 days and split holidays, are very active in her school etc. The law here states she has to inform us 60 days in advance, we have 30 days to file a response and then we have to wait for court to have a judge decide if the move is better for the child or not.   The mom's burden of proof is to prove this move to be with her husband will make their life better and more stable.  

Fact: Our attorney told us there is really nothing we can do until we get served.  He said it will all come down to the judge.  Some judges would never seperate a mom from their kids, and some won't let a mom just move away if there is a stable father.  

Fact: The job he moved for is a lower paying job.  It isn't like he moved and is making $100k a year, it is a $35-40k job.  That doesn't seem like enough to support a family of 4.

Fact: My husband and I have been together 3xs as long, own a successful business, I made twice as much as step dad and have been at my job for 6 years, and we have a sibling in our house as well.

Question:  Is there anything any of you that have been through this that you might suggest we should be doing.  I'm guessing we will get served between Feb and April.  I'd love to start getting things in place.  Should we be volunteering more in school, getting more documented?  What kinds of things did your judges look at if you have been through this before?

Thanks so much!  

[livednlearned]

Hi hell0kitty!

Welcome back, and congratulations on the new baby 

Is biomom the primary custodial parent? That is often a different scenario than if the parents have joint custody. I think there are three ways different states deal with it: presumption against relocation, presumption in favor of relocation, and best interests of the child. Maybe google those phrases with the name of your state to see if you can figure out how things work where you are.

In my state, there is a presumption against relocation. But since I have full custody, there is also presumption in favor of me as the custodial parent, which just means more weight is given to me if I desire to relocate. My L told me that when a relocation is contested, it can take 9 months before the hearing/ruling and order, but I don't know if the process is slower here than other places. My state is not an easy place for relocation to occur.

But even with the presumption, when the other party files to modify custody (can't remember what it's called, but the thing where you file to prevent the relocation), the burden is on the relocating parent to show that things are going to be better for the child. In my state, there are 9 criteria that the court looks at. Things like: relationship of child to both parents, custody schedule, comparison of schools, whether there will be family in new state, the neighborhood where the child is to be relocated, the nature of the job leading to the move, whether the mother will work/not work, access to medical care if relevant.

One thing I learned from N/BPDx in action is that you can really use the glacial pace of the courts to jam things up. Even if the judge allows her to relocate, you can file an appeal and use that time to establish majority parenting if biomom decides to move away while court does its thing.

One concern, though, is that she could up and leave with D, and that's a whole other headache.

[hell0kitty]

In our state there are 11 criterea that she has to meet at least 8 of to move. And she would be considered the "moving party" so she would also likely be held responsible for paying for visitation flights if the move were allowed, which I do not think she realizes because of how she is about money this would be a HUGE deal to her.  

Everything you listed are parts of the consideration.

The things in our favor according to the attorney:

1- Dad and I are SUPER active in school and in child's life and have been since day one

2- Mom has changed jobs 3 times in 4 years and this is the first job step dad has had and it doesn't pay all that great (ie isn't such a great paying job he that he would not be able to get something that pays the same in this state) and it can't support a family of 4.

3- Maternal and Paternal family ALL live in this state and mom relies on her mother as regular daycare and has since birth.  She even tried to use that fact against us in court last year when she was trying to not allow us weekends. There is no family in new state.

4- We have lived in the same place for 3.5 years and the only reason we moved was to get a bigger place when baby was on his way.  Mom has moved every year for the last 4 years.

5- I have been in child's life for most of her life.

6- She has a sibling and a step sibling in our home.

Things mom has in her favor:

1- She is the mom and "Primary parent" meaning she has more days than us.  Attorney says that doesn't mean a clear win, just gives her a slight advantage depending on the judge.

2- Her husband has been unemployed for over a year, so he may say this was the only work he could get after trying and failing to get work in our state for over a year. And some judges won't want to break up their family.

3- Because we waited to get married, and she married her husband right after meeting him, they have actually been married longer than us.  Haha!  Even though we have been together 4 times as long as them.

4- The wild card.  Our attorney said to never underestimate some of the judges views on separating a child from it's mommy no matter how bonded the child seems with the dad.


The one thing they did say that if we can show that it seems she is making this move to somehow alienate the father from the child or to force a change of our parenting plan, we would have a very strong case.  Since our parenting plan is only 1 year old, and it took 2.5 years to get it together, we kind of have that going for us.  

I don't know, I just feel like there is stuff I could be doing.  Our attorney says he doesn't want to waste our money by having us just keep talking to him and to save it for when she makes a move, then we act.  I guess with the exBPD I've learned you can never be too prepared.  

[hell0kitty]

Oh, and if she did just up and move, she would be in contempt of the parenting plan and she would be forced to return the child and we would become the primary parents.  That is actually one thing in the plan, so I don't think she would risk trying to move without going through the courts.  It would be an automatic win for us.

[ForeverDad]

So don't remind her of that "run and you lose" provision!

I think your deep involvement in the school is a plus not to be ignored or minimized.  How is her involvement and support of homework?

In itself, changing schools schools could be an issue, just don't know how much.  After all, each year thousands of families with kids move and it's not seen as a major issue.  Would her schoolwork keep up if she moved?

Is her H's insurance really 'better' than the current insurance?  How does the order address health insurance, who gets to choose?  If her H is halfway across the country, it might not offer the same doctors or network of doctors.  I have a 'feeling' that if her insurance goes over there it might be used as a reason it's okay for D to move away.  My gut sees this as her "one foot out the door" and says not to agree to the change, and if you can't deny it then at least document your concerns and reservations about the change so she can't say later you agreed.

Family is all here.  That's another factor not to be minimized, especially if she used her family as sitters and previously made that point in court testimony.

And I agree, if you get any whiff of proof that she is doing this, in whole or in part, to obstruct dad then document it as best you can.  For all you know, once the cat is out of the bag she might blurt out how she doesn't want dad to have much time or whatever.

You might also express concern to the court that her past refusal to share H's child is a pattern that you see again.  That moving away now is her way to sidestep the rule about no changes to the order for two years.

In my area summer vacation from school is about 11 weeks.  If your D does end up being remote, then the order needs to give dad as much time in the summer as possible.  He should get it to start in time for Fathers Day weekend and go until mid August, about two months.  Mom can have her summer vacation before or after.  Also the long school holidays such as Thanksgiving, Spring Break and half of Winter break.  Schools these days often give kids 4 day weekends around other holidays, so that's an idea too.

[livednlearned]

Of the things you listed, maybe the one thing you could really beef up is the extended family. More time with family, extended family gatherings, involvement of them in D's life, including school events. It sounds like that's already happening, but if you can paint a persuasive picture that it's a closely woven, very dynamic and engaged network, the judge is not likely to want to see her move to Nowhere, USA for some job the (non-biological) dad could get in state when the economy picks up.

One thing I have also found useful is to go into hearings with a proposal. Even if it's something small, like "biomom moves, D stays, we do nightly Skype calls." (Not that Skype calls are great, just that it's better than the judge not having a creative solution other than sending D with biomom.)

[ForeverDad]

One thing I have also found useful is to go into hearings with a proposal. Even if it's something small, like "biomom moves, D stays... ."

Yes, the court may agree with the parent who is both capable and offering practical solutions.

Um, try to avoid nightly calls.  A few times per week, fine, every day, no.  I was stuck with a daily telephone contact order from 2009 to 2013 - all for a few minutes - and it had "reasonable" removed!  It really put a crimp in going to the movies, recreation, parties, amusement parks, evening religious events, flexibility on vacations and camping in remote areas, times when there was no cell service, dead batteries, etc.  All it did was enable her to make threats to take me to court any time a call failed.  And she loved making threats.

I was thinking about insurance... .Isn't it too late to make changes to health insurance coverage?  It requires a qualified event to change doesn't it and the easiest one - end of year - probably had the sign-up period end weeks ago.  I would not be quick to cancel your coverage for her, keep it, say it's too late to cancel (or delay long enough to be able to confirm it's too late).  Don't give her that slight advantage unless you absolutely have to.

[Aussie JJ]

The one hting I will throw in here. 

I dont know the US system however information is the most important thing in all of this.  The pattern of behaviour and what not.  Why not ask informally without the lawyers now. 

Dear BioMOM,

We know their is a 2 year wait between parenting plans being revisited.  Since the previous was certified in 01/2014 it has been 12 months and it cant be revisited for a further 12 months we were goign to look at spending more time with D.  During this holiday break spending 50/50 time with her has been so benificial to her and it has been such a joy. 

I am really enjoying being more activly involved in D's life than previously has been allowed.  I am relishing the role of being her father on a more consistant and permenant basis.  The stability that the plan has bought has been benifical to D.  I was hoping sometime in the new year we could revisit some of the points with the view to spending more time with D in 2015 and moving forward.  It is our hope that this time we dont have to go through the courts and we can talk through this with a independant 3rd party mediatin the discussion to make changes specifically to the time D spends with her father. 

Happy new year and thank you for considering this.  It is in D's best interests that we co-operate on this issue and blah blah blah. 

Regards,

Father pre-empting the attack. 

Views of others here would be a good starting point.  If she is about to ask for less time or seperation.  Why not make it so it appears that she is doing this in response to your reqwuest for more time with D.  Be pro-active.  Forget her request to move.  It's irrelevant to your time.  What is best for your D's time is more time with her father, so start on that, make the request informal with out the courts so you can say when she jumps straight into court, we are trying to do it outside court, this is the same pattern fo behaviour.  Hope this makes sense? 

I may be wrong here so hopefully others will jump in. 


AJJ. 

[hell0kitty]

We did not let her cancel the insurance, she was just trying to bully us into doing it.  She was threatening lawyer fees and screaming fraud.  But in reality, she is allowed to have primary and secondary.  Our is primary since it has been longer.  I spoke in length to her husbands broker and he is under the impression she doesn't have a clue as to what she is talking about either.

We can't offer mediation even though it would be nice.  That was one of her sticking points for the new parenting pan.  The old one had mediation, and she hated it SO MUCH because she could not control the mediators lie she could the nice ladies at her DV shelters when she was trying to pint a pic DV to get ahead in court.  The mediators saw right through her.  So in the court order it now says all issues have to go straight to court.  No mediation.

I do like the idea of getting even more family involvement with lots of pictures and documentation.  We already do a lot with all of the family, but I know she spends most of her mom time with her mom's family and not actually with mom.

The child has been super struggling in school and this year, after we had her in a ton of tutoring and really helped her get caught up on homework (She always gets behind at moms house) she is finally at grade level.  We think this has a lot to do with finally having a regular schedule with us, but mom tries to take credit for it in emails to the teacher. We emailed the teacher and mentioned that we found all of the homework from mom's time in her backpack, none of it done, so asked for time to get it caught up.  Mom wrote back and made some comment about how "This is the ONLY time this has ever happened, because we had to deal with an unavoidable circumstance, but otherwise she ALWAYS gets her work done at moms house"

So, have any of you had the other parent try to move?  What was your court experience? 

[FamilyLaw]

Caveat -- it may be different in your state!

But I've had luck with filing for an injunction prior to a parent sending a move-away letter.  Ask your lawyer whether asking for an injunction to prevent the child from moving would be allowed in your jurisdiction.  This would get the process started sooner, since obviously 60 days is not enough time to have a full hearing on the issues.

Where I am the pendulum has swung so that it is very difficult for a mother to move with her kids if there is an actively involved dad, even if the move would objectively be better for both mom and the kid.  Even in cases where there are teenagers who have clearly stated their preference to move.  Let's hope your county is moving in that direction.

[Aussie JJ]

hell0kitty,

One thing I am learning to do is just detach from all of my ex's bollocks, all of her responses to me and remarks are irrelevant to my time with my son.  :)ocument Document Document.  

We can't offer mediation even though it would be nice.  That was one of her sticking points for the new parenting pan.  The old one had mediation, and she hated it SO MUCH because she could not control the mediators lie she could the nice ladies at her DV shelters when she was trying to pint a pic DV to get ahead in court.  The mediators saw right through her.  So in the court order it now says all issues have to go straight to court.  No mediation.

I think that is a solid boundary.  It sets out 0 compromise for her, use it yourself.  My point is here, why not find a way that is in D's benifit to ask for more time.  Ask xBPDwife for more time straight up because of this reason.  Just be blunt with her.  It has been concerning to us that this has been occuring.  We propose this due as we beleive it is in D's best interests.  It will cause her to go absolutly bannanas.  :)ont bother with mediation or the courts, just ask and state the reason.  

Dear BioMOM,

With the new school year approaching we are asking you directly for this change to the parenting plan.  There has been a continued pattern of behaviour when D doesnt do homeowork at your house and it has been effecting her grades.  Your failure to acknowledge the importance of compleating this homework weekly is of great concern and the lack of accountability when this has been highlighted with the teacher is also of concern. 

It is in D's best interests that XYZ change occur.  Please respond by XYZ. 

Regards,

D's best interests here FATHER. 

The child has been super struggling in school and this year, after we had her in a ton of tutoring and really helped her get caught up on homework (She always gets behind at moms house) she is finally at grade level.  We think this has a lot to do with finally having a regular schedule with us, but mom tries to take credit for it in emails to the teacher. We emailed the teacher and mentioned that we found all of the homework from mom's time in her backpack, none of it done, so asked for time to get it caught up.  Mom wrote back and made some comment about how "This is the ONLY time this has ever happened, because we had to deal with an unavoidable circumstance, but otherwise she ALWAYS gets her work done at moms house"

This in itself is something that should be looked into.  As stated above, be proactive.  There are so many threads about parents getting more time based on school results etc.  If you know she is going to go back to court, why not go first askingfor an extra 2 days on the ulternating week.  This we beleive is best as it means D can do tutoring weekly and we have time to do this homework every week so that she doesnt fall behind.  We understand that the courts ask for two years between revisiting parenting plans.  We feel that waiting that long and further documenting this isnt in D's interests.  The improvement in her results at school has been XYZ due to the new plan and the stability it offers, we just hope to provide further stability for her while she is doing her school work on a weekly basis.  

Simple straight up.  :)ont be a negative advocate sort of thing, let her prove that she isnt a bad influence before she tries to move.  Change the paradime to one where your making a change for D's best interests, dont be afraid to highlight that you are good parents... . This continued pattern of behaviour where D's homework isn't done is damaging D's education, we feel that instead of trying to change BPD mom we would like the court to acknowledge this concerning pattern and allow D more time with father.  

State why straight up to BPD mom, when she says no or goes overboard.  Goto court.  Her time is irrelevant to your time and relationship with D.  


AJJ.  

[livednlearned]

Definitely record every instance of mom time being spent with the grandparents. Quantifying the percentage of time D spends with GM instead of M may be a good data point. You can even present is as, "Will be difficult because D spends so much time with extended family on H's side, and 78% of waking time with biomom is spent with GM."

Similar to what FamilyLaw said, in my state, it's really hard for a mom to move away when the other parent is actively involved in child's life. And the parenting plan you have might lock things up tight. Judges who don't want to get into the nitpicking of this and that will look at the most recent order and just fold on what it says.

Maybe she moves, and can file in a year. That might be what you propose, and then offer something like a shared photo account where you upload all images and videos of D's activities. FD doesn't like nightly Skype calls (me neither), but maybe you find something else to offer that says you will actively support a relationship with the other parent. That's the tone the judge wants to hear.

[ForeverDad]

My point is here, why not find a way that is in D's benefit to ask for more time.  Ask xBPDwife for more time straight up because of this reason.  Just be blunt with her.  It has been concerning to us that this has been occurring.  We propose this due as we believe it is in D's best interests.  It will cause her to go absolutely bananas.  Don't bother with mediation or the courts, just ask and state the reason. 

Dear BioMOM,

With the new school year approaching we are asking you directly for this change to the parenting plan.  There has been a continued pattern of behaviour when D doesn't do homework at your house and it has been effecting her grades.  Your failure to acknowledge the importance of completing this homework weekly is of great concern and the lack of accountability when this has been highlighted with the teacher is also of concern. 

It is in D's best interests that XYZ change occur.  Please respond by XYZ. 

Regards,

D's best interests here FATHER.

I had to laugh when I saw this... .such a novel and proactive option.  The more I think about it, the more I like it.  The soonest either of you can technically go back to court - 2 years - would be Oct 2015 which is a month or two into the next school year.  It would just have to be communication such as a letter so you had documentation of your request and proposal.  After all, she might file asking for a change to be effective a couple months sooner than that 2 year anniversary so child can start school year in the other state.  You would be asking for a change too but the reverse - more time during the school year starting Aug/Sept, a couple months early.  You could give as your reasons the past tutoring needs, homework assistance, etc.

The child has been super struggling in school and this year, after we had her in a ton of tutoring and really helped her get caught up on homework (She always gets behind at moms house) she is finally at grade level.  We think this has a lot to do with finally having a regular schedule with us, but mom tries to take credit for it in emails to the teacher. We emailed the teacher and mentioned that we found all of the homework from mom's time in her backpack, none of it done, so asked for time to get it caught up.  Mom wrote back and made some comment about how "This is the ONLY time this has ever happened, because we had to deal with an unavoidable circumstance, but otherwise she ALWAYS gets her work done at moms house"

This in itself is something that should be looked into.  As stated above, be proactive.  There are so many threads about parents getting more time based on school results etc.

I'm one of those parents.  My ex lived outside the school area and couldn't bus.  She had far more tardies than me.  And although the teachers tried not to say she was a poorly behaving or problematic mother, it did come through.  At the same time I had issues with exchanges where ex was playing games trying to manipulate them and make them harder for me.  On example was smack in the middle of summer, Independence Day holiday time.  I already had custody, I was seeking majority time.  Did I get it?  Yes, but only during the school year, not during the summer!  The court gave more attention to his schooling than the problems with exchanges that occurred throughout the year.

[Aussie JJ]

If not ask for more time, ask for agreeance on extra tutoring during her week that D's H will take her to and drop her off.  Their has to be a way to set it up. 

Either way, you know her game plan, it is irrelevant.  What is yours.