copingwithhim
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Posts: 49
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« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2013, 12:45:44 PM » |
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Hello Not2Crazy,
Sorry to hear that your trust was compromised. It is difficult learning the many ways our partners broke their commitments.
My uDBP stbx husband moved in with me in December, 2008. Since my career was more demanding (and I made more money and he worked a little less than full-time), he took over our finances in January 2009. We were then married in June 2009.
I trusted him completely. Two months after our marriage, we sold my car to help pay off some of my debt, as we agreed that we could manage with one car.
After losing my job, things got crazy and I had to sell my home of 23 years -- a very sad event for me, as I was really involved with my community. A couple months later, we purchased an unfinished home 45 minutes away in the hills. And five months later, he moved out while I was at work, leaving me with all the debt, four chickens, two rabbits and two cats. He left his car with me for two months, but demanded it back with harassing e-mails. I was literally stunned and stranded.
Now that we are in the process of a divorce, I've been working on the financials and here is what I found: The sale of my car went towards trips to Bermuda and Aruba. A number of large withdrawls from his account, and three more trips (guised as work assignments) to Wyoming, Colorado and Hawaii (some trips with my replacement, a psychiatric nurse!). Through the process of divorce, he'll have to account for everything and pay it all back.
How did he do it? Well, all joint expenses were paid from my account, so my balances were always low; this gave him justification for always reminding me that we were struggling (and I believed him). His paychecks and the rent he received from his house, were not always deposited into his account... . they were deposited somewhere else. So you can imagine that quite a bit is missing.
Yes, I trusted completely... . we were married! Marriage is a partnership, a Contract that he did not uphold.
How am I getting through this? Many hours of research, reconstructing our finances. Working full-time on the construction of my house -- it occupies both mind and body and in the end, this will be a major accomplishment that is for me! Weekly therapy sessions with a woman who understands the fall-out from a BPD relationship. Reading this site, bpdfamily.com. Not jumping into another relationship. And lastly, but most importantly, the financial and emotional support of my parents and friends.
Is there something you can do that will benefit... . YOU? Keep busy mentally and physically, but also allow time to process what has happened, pace your emotions, allow them surface. Our brains are wired to resolve and learn from our issues, unlike our partners, we will recover.
All the Best,
CopingWith(Out)Him.
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