confused as to why he has dumped me so brutally - we were great. Please help

[littlepixie]

I have been with my boyfriend a few months. I adore him, he's like no one I've ever been with before. We are extremely similar in terms of what we like, our childhoods etc., we are just different cultures (he is African, I am Western). We live an hour from one another so we are technically in a LDR.

Anyway, things sort of played out like a "perfect" relationship when we were dating. We took it very slowly in terms of having sex (didn't have sex until 2 months into dating), but we would spend vast amounts of time together (our first date for example was 12 hours long!). We have connected on a very deep level - he has cried in front of me numerous times in relation to, for example, talking about the time he tried to take his own life. We've been on holiday together for a week abroad, and he has said things to me such as "I would marry you" or "this is my last relationship" and would say stuff like "I can't believe someone like you actually exists" or "you're so out of my league". We are very similar personalities, and we have become best friends as well as partners in the last few months.

Anyway, last few weeks have been stressful. He got a promotion, moved house and started working weekends (when we used to have our 12 hour dates). A month ago he broke up with me. This is because on a weekend I went to visit him, he left me in a coffee shop for 3 hours whilst he trained. He is excessive in his own success and pursues an activity which he is quite highly regarded in. This activity always has come first, which is fine by me. He does this activity every day without fail, for at least one hour, sometimes more. I sent a text: "what time will you be back, feeling sick!" (I had a UTI) he replied "getting a team picture for instagram". I sulked for about 3 minutes. He called me manipulative. Told me we were over, emotionless. Ignored me for week. This is the first time I ever saw him have a mood swing.


After a week of silence he met up with me said he overreacted and apologised and asked to get back together. He worked that weekend, but I slept over at his apartment so that we could see each other for a few hours each night. He was really busy running around sorting decorators and stuff for the flat, so we didnt get a chance to properly communicate. We did cuddle/have sex/talk about some stuff but he had to go to bed early for work so we didn't do a lot. I also had a chest infection so was bed bound most of the time.

This week, we had a disagreement because I was confused about something he said. He makes a point of saying how he hates the sexualisation of women. He uses social media for his business and unfollows/deletes women regularly who post selfies etc. He says porn makes him feel uncomfortable. He hates feelings of "lust". He won't talk about sex. He says that lust ruins lives (his father cheated on his mother, his sister cheated with his best friend, his first girlfriend cheated on him...). And then I saw he liked a picture of a girl who he didn't know in a provocative pose with hardly any clothes on ... I was upset, but more confused. I thought he didn't like this stuff? So I asked him.

He ignored me for a night.

Eventually, he called me saying that I am sabotaging the relationship, leaving him constantly confused and that we are "always arguing" (we've had two arguments). He then said that things have changed between us and that's the elephant in the room. I said it's always awkward after a first argument and it takes time for things to go back to normal, and that, because he has been so busy lately, we haven't had time to communicate properly like we usually do. He said "I don't know" and "I don't know how we will get back to how it was". He said we should speak about it later on tonight or tomorrow. He said he was so busy and that he didn't spend time with his friends anymore and that nothing has really changed in his week that would mean we spent less time together (apart from he now works weekends, when we would usually spend time togethter, or that he now spends his weekends sorting out his house move) so that can't explain the distance between us.

I met up with him just under two weeks ago. As I had half expected he was extremely cold and dismissive. I asked him calmly to explain why he was sad and he did. I listened for ages as he was telling me he felt like I constantly criticized him passively aggressively. I said it wasn't my intention to make him feel like that and I would consider how I came across in future

He said it didn't matter and sat with his arms crossed not making eye contact once. I asked him why he couldn't look at me. He said he felt more comfortable not to. We were together 3 hours and he didn't look at me once. He said what I thought didn't matter. That he can't see past this. He mentioned other times I had acted this way (4 times in total) - the times described above, another time when I asked when he would be back from a night out with his brother and when I jokingly asked him to get off his phone and give me his attention after I hadn't seen him for a week!

He said he can't stop feeling like I judged him and we should break up. I asked him whether he wanted to maintain contact he said "I'm not your manager". I asked him why he was acting like he hates me, he said "I definitely don't hate you, I really lo..." and then said he had to protect himself.

He said he would post me my things. He has since messaged for my address (even though he knows it).

I love this guy so much. And it hurts that he hates me.

I suppose what is forefront in my mind is that I can understand why he is like this in relationships. My partner was (and still is) emotionally abused by his mother. His mother picked on him out of all his siblings to be cruel to. This was due in part to him "looking like his father" who had multiple affairs. His mother would lock him outside on nights that he did something wrong, so he would have to sleep in the garden. He also was left in the house with his siblings for weeks on end whilst the mother went missing. Now, the relationship is very much my partner trying to impress his mother and get her love. It's horrible to watch and I have had to keep my mouth shut a lot the time. She massively takes advantage of him, taking his money and using his credit cards/taking out loans in his name and making him to do her favours through guilt tripping "are you not going to take your sister to X place" (even though it's a 4 hour drive). His mother always badmouths him too, saying "you need to get a hold of that anger it will push your girlfriend away"


What can I do? I've tried being nice to him but he's still cold. Does this sound like BPD?

From writing my post I think I see examples of black/white thinking, idealization, childhood causes of BPD (abuse), mood swings. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[littlepixie]

I have since text him asking to speak when he's ready. He replied immediately saying yes he's free whenever and what time etc.,

Is there hope for me? 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear littlepixie-

Welcome to our community.  I’m sorry for the pain and confusion that brings you here, but glad that you’ve found us.

It’s hard to say whether your BF has BPD traits or not, but he’s clearly unsettled in thoughts and feelings.  And he doesn’t seem to want to let go of you.

This site provides great resources to help you learn about BPD, and understand how relationships with BPD partners evolve.  One of THE most important things for you LP, is that no matter what - you engage in self-care.  You’ve GOT to remember who YOU are - at all costs.  These relationships can have a tendency to be all-consuming as we battle to keep our partners “happy”.  So please use caution.

Something very important that you raised - his relationship with his mother, is something I personally relate to, but have never addressed here.  And my BPDbf is (I am certain ) much older than yours.  Mine is 61 and his mother is 83. 

Please research “emotional incest”; or “covert incest”.  This is a hard thing to witness... the way my BPDbf twists himself inside out trying to please his mother.  The way he wants so badly for her to love and respect him; and how he at times hates her, and a moment later speaks of what a “good” person she is.  And the absolute sick feeling he expresses when she treats him almost as her husband, and he tells me.  I try to validate and say little more now...  we have talked and talked about it.  My bf will NEVER be able to break away.  And now he will continue to actually live in her home, despite his efforts to get away.  And he does own his own place.  I have no words for this part of the illness and what she has done to him, continues to do to him.  And he has allowed this to happen.

I hope your BF is able to see his way clear of this; however this is not your battle.  Please know that.

Please continue to post and spend some time with us.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[littlepixie]

Thank you for your reply.

The emotional incest thing doesn't seem so relevant in my case; it's more about running errands/lending money. He doesn't like her, and they do not have an emotional connection at all

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear lp-

Sorry to confuse.. the emotional incest thing is not about a true emotional connection.  It’s more about manipulation, and how the son can NEVER seem to measure up to what the mother wants, no matter what.  It is a painful thing to witness.

Take good care,
Gems