Self harm question

[Murbay]

My exBPDw didn't fit the usual convention of self harm. Last year I asked the question around the fact that what she did do was have a fascination with surgery. If she got injured, she would hold on to that injury and push it to the extremes to make it worse so that the only way to fix it was through surgery. I wondered if this was her outlet as it was quite disturbing to say the least.

My BPDgf does have a history of self harm when she was younger. Although she perceives that phase is over, the pattern she has is when she has major dysregulation (like this past week) she ends up with a brand new tattoo.

Not heard anything from her in the past several days, sent her a text on Sunday to see how she was, no response. Then tonight out of the blue, I get a picture through asking what I think of her new tattoo, being completely friendly and chatty too. I know she is going through a lot of things right now though I can't help thinking about the pattern. She is completely amazing, so happy and full of life, then doubts start to set in, then the drinking starts, followed by the drugs, then she shuts everyone out, gets herself a new tattoo and returns to her original state. It's an extremely destructive cycle and still about 6 or 7 weeks until she sees someone professionally and I have my reservations that she is even going to attend based on the past week.

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[Tayto]

I have read that sometimes a person with BPD inflicts pain upon themselves as it gives them some control and eases the pain in their head.

[Love Is Not Enough]

I didn't notice a specific question, but it has been a long day and I'm a little tired  

The physical pain is to distract them from the mental pain they are feeling. It helps to bring them back from the edge so to speak and gain control over their emotions. My gf prefers to burn herself, but will use whatever she can get her hands on when she is dysregulating. I saw her use a pair of scissors once. Luckily they were very dull and she only managed to put red marks on herself. She has also confided in me that she has a couple of tattoos as a result of some specific incidents. She has not hurt herself in quite some time and I hope she never goes back to it. It is quite terrifying to experience someone harming themselves right in front of you.

I have read that squeezing ice cubes can also have a similar effect. My gf's T told her to put a bag of peas on her face and the sensation will also do the same. We have the bag of peas now, but so far she has not needed to use them. I am very curious to see if she will be self-aware enough the next time she has a major episode to actually go and use them. I will try to recommend she try them next time and hopefully she doesn't shove the bag down my throat  

[Murbay]

Sorry, it's been a long day here too LINE. Missed off the question 

Im really sorry to hear that LINE, it must be really terrifying for you to experience that. I really hope the peas are used should anything happen in the future and not down your throat

The question was meant to be, we usually make the assumption that self harm is exactly what it says on the tin (harming of just yourself) Is it possible that getting others to do it, such as through surgery or with something like getting tattoos when feeling down also constitute?

The last one is quite a difficult one because I have a few tattoos myself. They are strategically placed so not on show, much thought went in to them and they are symbolic of 4 important landmarks in my life. I like tattoos and I know everybody is different, it's just an observation that the ones my BPDgf has are all random and always when she is in meltdown mode.

[SweetCharlotte]

Self-harm by surrogate definitely qualifies as a BPD thing.

Not only tattoos but body-piercings. Because of my age and other factors, I tend to see both as self-destructive. Yet you get tattoos as well but in your case they are only self-expression. That reminds me of Freud and his cigars.

My uBPDh has gotten unnecessary surgery, removal of a disc from his spine many years before our r/s. He had simple back pain and there was no reason to do it. It was experimental at the time and now it's not done anymore. He was an easy mark for a surgeon who wanted to try it out and his wife at the time was eager to get whatever was wrong with him "fixed." When the operation proved extremely negative to his health, he began to blame her for encouraging him to go under the knife. After a few years of this, she bailed on him.

He did not research the operation or get a second opinion. He let his first wife, who was already getting exasperated with him, make the decision for him. Now he is missing part of his back and when he turns or bends, I often hear the "crack." He misses several days of work per year when the pain goes from chronic to acute. In terms of other self-harm, he tells me that he also hits himself in the face when upset, but I've never caught him doing that. I have seen him biting his fingers next to the nail until they bleed. 

And since you describe a cycle in which she goes through alcohol and drug use until finally getting the random tattoo, which pacifies her for a while, it is safe to say that this qualifies as self-harm.

[Murbay]

My uBPDh has gotten unnecessary surgery, removal of a disc from his spine many years before our r/s. He had simple back pain and there was no reason to do it.

Thank you for your comments SweetCharlotte, this is the one that sticks out the most for me. It's exactly the same as what my exBPDw had done. It started as a minor back injury which she blamed on me. I was overseas at the time visiting family as my daughter was very ill and the response was that had I been with her instead it never would have happened. Doctors told her it would heal with a bit of bed rest but she refused to listen to doctors, first believing that the world would stop if she wasn't up and about and then to put repeated guilt trips on me for not being there.

When it started to heal, she would do stupid things such as bending down and picking up heavy boxes and then making it known that she was in pain. It was literally like running around after a child but I played right in to it. She even went as far as taking her daughter to a theme park and going on all the rides. Again, making it known it caused major pain in her back, but "As a mother, you have to make those sacrifices". I told her that I'm sure the children would rather have a mother that was mobile as they grew older rather than brief memories of a day in a theme park.

Decided she wanted surgery and there was no stopping her. Doctors kept saying it wasn't serious enough so she went from doctor to doctor whilst still doing things to make it worse. All of the time, I still got the blame for being out of the country. Finally she managed to get someone to agree to the surgery. The other problem was she has a genetic blood clotting disorder which meant that she was high risk and could die during an operation. It still didn't stop her pushing and finally she had her disk removed.

For 3 months I waited on her hand and foot and I allowed her to punish me at every opportunity. The biggest problem being I stayed in that environment because I felt guilty and took responsibility for her injury. Looking back now, that seems so crazy. My daughter had almost died and she was angry that I chose to be there beside my daughter rather than her, I wouldn't be surprised if she actually caused the injury on purpose.

I guess on a twisted level, it served a double purpose. She self harmed to ease her own pain and allowed me to carry the guilt so I didn't abandon her.

[an0ught]

Having a huge outside problem to deal with can be highly validating and quite practical - it fits perfectly to the inner pain and is always available when there is a need to regulate.

Of course it is an absurd way to go about emotional regulation.

I found it not effective to try to control the need for elective surgery. What worked for me was refusing to take any responsibility for it. Arguing against it just strengthened her resolve. Left on her own, making clear that she had to pay (it is really our money but perception counts) and leaving her to her changing whims and fears of complications did the trick.

[SweetCharlotte]

I found it not effective to try to control the need for elective surgery. What worked for me was refusing to take any responsibility for it. Arguing against it just strengthened her resolve. Left on her own, making clear that she had to pay (it is really our money but perception counts) and leaving her to her changing whims and fears of complications did the trick.

Interesting scenarios, Ought and Murbay. My H got part of his intestine removed last year because it was mangled from diverticulitis, a likely result of his binge eating disorder since he is too young to get "normal" diverticulitis. I believe the surgeon in this case who said that it was necessary, and his health has improved.

Around the same time, he was diagnosed with aortic swellings and told by a different doctor that he needed open-heart surgery to fix them. Fortunately, he was so worn out by the intestinal surgery that he put it off. He later saw a different doctor who said no such operation was necessary. He is a tall guy with big aorta and that's normal. The repair would have been another experiment, with a risky prognosis. So for now, his health is OK with no major problems on the horizon.

Our medical system is in part at fault because there is such a financial incentive to operate needlessly. I think the less scrupulous surgeons can "sniff out" pwBPDs and others with self-destructive or hypochondriac tendencies, luring them in. It is certainly something to watch out for, though you can't always stop your BPD partner directly. It's more like Ought says, "You're on your own if you do this. I'll help with your recovery but everything else is on you: your money, your time, your health, your decision."

[Changingman]

Mine had 'accidents', falling over, dog bit of her lip, burns from work etc.

When I first read about self harm I thought oh no she doesn't do that. How wrong was I. Abuses alcohol terribly, I feel sorry for the alcohol. Genital piercing, nipple piercing, Some pain during sex wanted.

Disturbing.

[Greenmeadow]

For my husband his SI is always because he wants "relief" from his daily inner turmoil. He finds it quietens the voices and his nightmares for a while. Initially it gave him "relief" for a few weeks, but over time that has turned into only days. His biggest thing is that he's never aware at the time of just how bad the SI is, asking for my confirmation that being in hospital as a result is bad.

Has anyone else experienced this?