Really feeling down right now

[CPWUSAF33]

Having a BPD wife for over 35 years has really taken its toll on me and just when you think it can't get any worse--it does!

She has totally alienated herself from me for over a week.  I understand that BPDs have no concept of gray--it is a total black/white world to her.  But, I have been on her "black" list for over a week now... . In her mind I am the worst husband/father on the planet.

What I never get is, how and when the shift from black returns to white.  I feel like this time it the switch will never flip back.  I think she has finally settled on believing I am a total failure.  While I know I am not a complete failure, I am still being treated as such.  I'm a dedicated husband and father and have loved my wife unconditionally--yet here I am living like as complete failure.

We are only on this earth for a short period of time... . I am wasting away and wasting my life.  I really wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[joshbjoshb]

Sir, I feel for you!

First know that there are many people in the world that love you, including your children.

Second, you must stop - but stop now! - treating yourself based on her words, or feelings!

Why, only because one person, who is clearly a BPD, says or thinks something about you, you want to die? Does that make any sense to you? Any sense?

No, sir. It doesn't. You let her feelings affect you. You let her dictate to you how you are feeling.

Yes, perhaps you have a wife which is not loving. I get that. It sucks really badly. I know it first hand. But you are not a husband. You are a person. You should have your own life outside of her. A hobby, something that makes you feel good, some good friends, find things that will bring you pleasure... . and stop expecting her to be the one that make you happy.

Your happiness is up to you and no one else.

It's not too late to change your life.

Good luck, buddy.

[CPWUSAF33]

Thanks for your reply Josh:

I guess my last line did sound suicidal.  I am not, and will not take my life.  I am just so tired of being tired--so hurt from being hurt--so sick and tired of all of this.

The only refuge I have is my work.  I have a great job and for at least 8 hours a day I have something good--I guess my work is my hobby?  I have "friends" at work; but, none after work hours.  Everytime, I've tried to advance friendships outside of work, my BPD wife makes it virtually impossible.  Her episodes of anger are so frequent that it is impossible to plan an outing with other couples.  If I have a close male friend, she resents any time I spend with them and typically makes them more difficult to manage than I can describe.

You also have a BPD wife and I can tell you understand.

You're correct, I need to find something besides work to help me cope.  It has been so long since I had "fun" doing anything, that I think I may actually have forgotten how.

Thanks for listening--it really does help.

[joshbjoshb]

Friend, I feel your pain. I am exactly in your boat. And yes, I think that having a wife with BPD is a whole different ballgame than having a husband with BPD, hence talking to other people with similar situations is very helpful!

What you need to start learning is not to care, or at least not to take personally, about her resentment, and anger.

Right now you feel "she resent, let me avoid doing something that will make her upset".

Change that to - "She is not feeling well. Too bad that she resent something which is 100% normal and right. But I can't let her not feeling mentally well affect my wellbeing".

Say that, and go out with your male friends to have a great time.

When you come back, expect resentment. Don't fight back, no need to scream or yell. You can either choose to say nothing, or to say "I hear you but I am planning to go out because it's important to me", or something like that.

Other forum members will talk to you about validation. I am not there yet and don't know how to validate their feelings. I am still working on my own feelings.

[CPWUSAF33]

Thanks so much Josh!  I am trying... .   I'm about to leave work and I dread going home... .

I'll let you know how things work out... . It is good to talk with someone "in the same boat."  THANK-YOU!

[Nana15cool]

I am not in your situation, I have a BPD mother but when I read the title I had to comment. The single worst side effect I have had from my life with my mother is depression and winter time is the worst. So I guess I just wanted to say you are not alone. I guess my advice would be; take care of yourself, do something that will make you smile if only for a second, and pray that tomorrow will be better than today even if the next day sucks!

[CPWUSAF33]

I am not in your situation, I have a BPD mother but when I read the title I had to comment. The single worst side effect I have had from my life with my mother is depression and winter time is the worst. So I guess I just wanted to say you are not alone. I guess my advice would be; take care of yourself, do something that will make you smile if only for a second, and pray that tomorrow will be better than today even if the next day sucks!

Thanks Nana15!  May God bless you... . Thank-you for reaching out to me.  I have two sons--one is on his own now and doing fine.  The other will be leaving home soon.  He has issues due to his mother's BPD; but, he'll be fine.  Stay strong and stay encouraged Nana15!