Question...

[seh77]

Ok, So my dBPDgf has been obsessive over:

1.  Something that happened in my past that was traumatic for me that I DO NOT want to talk about.  I have told her that it's nothing that is in anyway harmful for anyone around me.  That it's just a painfull memory that I don't like talking about and that it's not up for discusion.

2.  She wants all of my passwords for everything... . Ok we have done this... she had my FB password and read my messages and then promptly got jealous and questioned every conversation I had.  So I changed it.  I told her yes we are together.  Yes we are a team but it's also ok to be an individual.  She didn't like that answer.  She thinks it's a double standard because she gave me all of her passwords so she in turn thought I should do the same.  I NEVER agreed to that but she has it in her head that I did.

Why is she so obsessed with that?  I am not giving her my passwords because I am hiding anything but for the fact that she could read "the sky is blue" and think it meant something somehow.  Am I wrong for doing this? 

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[Cloudy Days]

Honestly, I'm not even sure having a facebook is a good thing in a BPD relationship. I have fought tooth and nail to keep my facebook. I do let my husband look at it, however when he is in the mood to look at it, is when he is looking for a fight. So he pretty much blows up at anything he can find. Oh! You have a picture of a man on your facebook, you are cheating on me! Turns out it's a picture of my cousin and his kids. At one point I deleted most of my friends and just kept my family and people I know well, he still wasn't happy. He has had his own facebook and I think the main reason he has an issue with me having one is because he actually used his to talk to an old school friend. He told very personal stuff to this girl and even told her that I was cheating on him and all kind of other colorful stuff. I was livid because this is the kind of thing he searches for on my facebook. Anyways, he has now deleted his and he occasionally looks at mine when he's looking for a fight. I don't do anything on my facebook anymore really other than look at stuff because I would just rather not deal with a fight. I let him look at it because I have nothing to hide, other than this site.

I think it just boils down to them not wanting you to be social. She doesn't want to share you so it makes her nervous that you talk to other people. This is an issue you will have to stand your ground on, in my experience it will come up again and again and again. So be prepared to deal with it again and again and again.

[seh77]

Cloudy,

Yes that is what it seems like to me.  It's just frustrating.  She tries everything she can think of to get on there.  But I have stood my ground with this.  I am learning slowly to stand my ground on things and let her pitch her tantrum and go on.  It's just frustrating.  I sometimes wish things weren't so hard.

[Cloudy Days]

Yes it's very frustrating. It would be nice to not have to worry about simple little things like this. There are so many things that are a nightmare when dealing with my husband. If he was normal, this stuff wouldn't even be an issue. They can make a grain of sand out to be a huge freaking asteroid that will decimate earth! It's just exhausting.

[Grey Kitty]

Tough... . my thought is that asserting your privacy/independence is just another boundary to enforce.

Don't engage in fights over it, or respond when he picks at you over it.

Just don't tell him your password(s).

Unfortunately, you can't stop him from turning that grain of sand into a killer asteroid. He'll do it when he wants/needs to. All you can do is step out of the drama.

Yeah, it sure is exhausting. Hang in there, and take good care of yourself!

[Mazda]

I can completely relate.  My ex did exactly the same.  My experience:

1.  Kept going on and on at me that it was bothering him in his head and he needed to know details, so I told him.  He then made MY trauma his issue to further victimize himself.  So I ended up having to console him about being affected by the most traumatic thing that happened to ME.

2. Went through all emails and messages.  Not a problem in idealization... . come devaluation and rages everything is dug up.  One time was visiting him (LDR) and used his phone to check my Facebook, forgetting to sign out.  Three weeks later I get a phone call from him in the middle of the night because he went through every single message of mine and had to give me a hard time about it.  Again, favorite topic in rages.

Whatever you do, watch your back.  Don't divulge and don't trust, no matter how dirty the tactics.  You are an individual and have a right to privacy. Someone who respects and trusts you will understand that.