The Silent Treatment. Anyone care to share their personal experiences with it?

[Curiously1]

I am getting the silent treatment at the moment. It's been 4 days (nearly 5) of radio silence.I'm uncomfortable no doubt but I am handling it ok, I think. I am making sure to keep busy. I haven't reached out and making sure I won't.

Anyone care to share their experiences of the silent treatment and how you dealt with it?

How long it usually lasted with their pwBPD? If silent treatment always ended in a break up etc.

If they returned, how did you handle it? Did you ever chase them while they were giving you the silent treatment etc.

Any guesses to reasons why the silent treatment is used ... or particularly used by your particular pwBPD?

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[Akita]

I'm guessing the reasoning for the silent treatment varies.  I'm married to my pwBPD so the silence isn't absolute.  She just gives very short sometimes dishonest answers to whatever I ask her and maintains physical distance.  She does this when she feels she isn't being heard.  She just shuts down and becomes unresponsive.  She is trying to get me to understand the pain she is in.  She wants me to see her.  She tells me often that I don't see her.  It's like she isn't certain that I am aware of how she is feeling so she tries to show me or tell me and if that fails her she goes catatonic to crush her own feelings and hopes that I see this.  It's like she wants me to know but also wants me to know now her unhappiness or distress or whatever is being consumed by her and it's my fault.  I don't know if this is making sense.  It's her way of showing me I have failed her and look at what I've done to her.  If I'm able to get her to talk she is always angry.  If the discussion continues and she feels heard she will start to break down.  She goes from angry I hate you to a crying meltdown wondering how this happens to her.  She is often confused by how she gets from one emotional state to another.  When she melts down she can either become very clingy and wants to be held and feel like she is apart of me or she doesn't want to be touched and tries to get distance again i.e. lying on the floor or getting in a closet.  End result is I believe she uses silent treatments as a way to communicate as odd as that sounds.

[DotinOz]

Hi there   

Sorry you are going through this for I know how it feels. I am married to a borderline who does this when he feels I deserve "punishment". The silence doesn't last for long, maybe a few days, three at most. What lasts long is when he purposely withholds affection and sex, that was as long as a month at one point. If you need to vent I am here 

[Curiously1]

Hi there   

Sorry you are going through this for I know how it feels. I am married to a borderline who does this when he feels I deserve "punishment". The silence doesn't last for long, maybe a few days, three at most. What lasts long is when he purposely withholds affection and sex, that was as long as a month at one point. If you need to vent I am here 

Thanks DotinOz

I assume I am painted black now and I won't hear from her for a long time. I hope I am wrong and she is just angry and needs quite a while to cool off and come talk to me again and also considers therapy. It's been like a week now. My guess is she's looking around for a replacement or she is contented with cutting me off and just sticking with her 1 friend for now who gives her plenty of validation because that might be easier for her to cope with. I know this kind of behaviour isn;t good enough but I'll give her a month and if I hear nothing then I'll assume we are broken up again.

[Curiously1]

I'm guessing the reasoning for the silent treatment varies.  I'm married to my pwBPD so the silence isn't absolute.  She just gives very short sometimes dishonest answers to whatever I ask her and maintains physical distance.  She does this when she feels she isn't being heard.  She just shuts down and becomes unresponsive.  She is trying to get me to understand the pain she is in.  She wants me to see her.  She tells me often that I don't see her.  It's like she isn't certain that I am aware of how she is feeling so she tries to show me or tell me and if that fails her she goes catatonic to crush her own feelings and hopes that I see this.  It's like she wants me to know but also wants me to know now her unhappiness or distress or whatever is being consumed by her and it's my fault.  I don't know if this is making sense.  It's her way of showing me I have failed her and look at what I've done to her.  If I'm able to get her to talk she is always angry.  If the discussion continues and she feels heard she will start to break down.  She goes from angry I hate you to a crying meltdown wondering how this happens to her.  She is often confused by how she gets from one emotional state to another.  When she melts down she can either become very clingy and wants to be held and feel like she is apart of me or she doesn't want to be touched and tries to get distance again i.e. lying on the floor or getting in a closet.  End result is I believe she uses silent treatments as a way to communicate as odd as that sounds.

I cannot imagine moving in with mine. The amount of quarrels we get into for such petty things. I'm sure the lack of communication is still a way of them communicating to us you're right. My gf seems to be sort of communicating tto me hat she doesn;t want to speak to me or wants me to figure things out or to regret what I told her or that she is simply angry because she didn't like the boundaries I had. This time round I don't think it's because she wants me to pity her. I feel as though all my gf cares about is control. Like she wants me to say sorry, even when an apology isn't warranted at all or it could be her way now to cut me off for good...

[DotinOz]

Curiously

Does she accept your apology ever? Even when I know I am NOT at fault, I apologize but it does no good. its like living in a tornado

Sorry to laugh a lot but if I don't laugh and keep a sense of humor, ill cry.

Dot (not real name:) )

[Curiously1]

Curiously

Does she accept your apology ever? Even when I know I am NOT at fault, I apologize but it does no good. its like living in a tornado

Sorry to laugh a lot but if I don't laugh and keep a sense of humor, ill cry.

Dot (not real name:) )

It depends, mostly yes she said that she's forgiven me many times. I used to take all the blame. Well not really. It was more like I apologised for what I thought I did wrong, my part but never for hers. If I tried to reach some kind of understanding and tried to get her to acknowledge something she did that hurt me, she would not be happy about that and continue to blame me. When I chased her it was more like lets work through things, and convincing her that things will be alright and then when she cooled down we wouldn't even mention the argument again. So basically she would never apologise back but I got her back most of the time doing that. I don't want to do that again.

[Curiously1]

... would it be unwise to reach out soon? If she's splitted me black, probably... .

[Hopeful07]

Trying to talk to my boyfriend when hes giving me the silent treatment is pointless.  It just pushes him further away. I have a question, I know I'm being "punished" for something but he says he doesn't hate me when he does it. Does anyone else hear that? If he doesn't hate me why is he punishing me and giving me silent treatment.

[Akita]

My wife also hates being talked to if she has gone silent.  She feels communication has gotten to a point where I'm just not understanding whatever it is at all and everything I say amplifies this.  Sometimes she hates me and sometimes she says she's just annoyed with me.  One of her last ditch efforts to be heard and understood.  Maybe she doesn't hear me" gives me the silent treatment" because I'm not hearing her.  She's treating me how she feels she is being treated?  I suppose feeling hate doesn't have to be involved but surely your bf is experiencing some negative emotions toward you.

[Curiously1]

Hi all. I made a second thread here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=294684.msg12770622#msg12770622 continuing my story.

I am not 100% sure if what I am getting is the silent treatment but a lack of interest in communicating since our fight?

I haven't seen her in person. We both just have not contacted one another since. However I did send her a Skype message and she did not reply to that. That is why I am assuming she does not want to talk to me...

And yes I am also afraid that  if she is upset with me, no amount of reaching out, talking to her will get through to her without the whole begging thing which could go either way (based on how I've acted on the past) but I wouldn't do...

I wouldn't chase after her basically but I want to know if whether a period of time of having not contact is it ever wise to reach out... .

[stilinchrist]

Hi guys!

Silent treatment. My man goes silent for over a month.

in fact in 365 days i reckon we may be talking 60-80 days.

Earlier in the relationship i used to feel sorry for him and wanted to 'help'him! Then there were times i felt he hated me and got very very upset. Now im aware that its a control tactic. Its his way of proving that he is right and im wrong. Its also a sort of victim behavior which i think they always depict. The only thing that works for me is to not react to his silence but just act like he is as normal as ever. It requires incredible patience which i often lack as then he gets annoyed that his silence isnt hurting me and starts doing new things to disturb me. Truth is eventually they will give up... but uv got to hold on and rely on your inner strength till it passes

the other side of the story is if u get upset soon enough then they will start talking faster... .however it will then mean that u will constantly be in the cycle of upset ok upset ok and its no fun to live that way right

im still a novice... .just waking up to the BPD world... .

i sure wish i knew a sure shot solution for all these tactics

[Curiously1]

Hi guys!

Silent treatment. My man goes silent for over a month.

in fact in 365 days i reckon we may be talking 60-80 days.

Earlier in the relationship i used to feel sorry for him and wanted to 'help'him! Then there were times i felt he hated me and got very very upset. Now im aware that its a control tactic. Its his way of proving that he is right and im wrong. Its also a sort of victim behavior which i think they always depict. The only thing that works for me is to not react to his silence but just act like he is as normal as ever. It requires incredible patience which i often lack as then he gets annoyed that his silence isnt hurting me and starts doing new things to disturb me. Truth is eventually they will give up... but uv got to hold on and rely on your inner strength till it passes

the other side of the story is if u get upset soon enough then they will start talking faster... .however it will then mean that u will constantly be in the cycle of upset ok upset ok and its no fun to live that way right

im still a novice... .just waking up to the BPD world... .

i sure wish i knew a sure shot solution for all these tactics

Ideally yes, that's the recommended thing to do and then hopefully they get back to you. Just don't take it personally. I decided to reach out after a week and I found out she decided we are no longer together anymore. She was pretty rude to just drop me like that but that's how it is.

At least I have closure now. She was really moving on. It's all my fault to her, she doesn't want to try work on our stuff a third time and she left for a very petty reason. That speaking before bed is not right and a dealbreaker for her and that I should have known. That I am really good at depriving of her of sleep she said and will never deal with speaking to me before bed like that again. I was like, we should have communicated this better if you preferred speaking in the morning. She is allowed to yell, throw a tantrum or whatever and it's OK nope what I did was unforgivable unreconcilable even though she was still awake by the way. Just... there's nothing to argue anymore. She can't instill fear in me. As if I should tread carefully after midnight and when she is awake. She just didn't want to talk to me and needed a way to make it sound like I was horrible to her and her actions are justified. She told me to move on and to find someone with a high tolerance for me.  I respect her wishes not to try again. It's too hard for her, she was being ridiculous but that's how she feels about me and there's nothing left to do. I shouldn't have to fear her.

If I didn't reach out I might have been waiting for a long long time. In this case it wasn't silent treatment, it was a complete cut off. And for this. So petty.

[daisydragonfly]

The record in this house for longest silence is FOUR MONTHS.  I kid you not.  I think it's suppose to be punishment.  I tried for years to try communicating our way out of the silence but that was just torture for me.  Now when he does the silent treatment I pretend I don't notice.  He eventually just stops and I don't even say anything about it then.  I am an expert at living with someone giving me the silent treatment, I've gotten so used to it sometimes I even prefer it. .  Honestly it is the most infuriating thing!  Sometimes I suspect hubby doesn't even know what he's angry about and why he's doing what he's doing - he certainly is unable to articulate it.   I used to write in a journal about all this nonsense and most of my entries would start "well, he's not talking to me again and again, I have no idea why" 

[Curiously1]

The record in this house for longest silence is FOUR MONTHS.  I kid you not.  I think it's suppose to be punishment.  I tried for years to try communicating our way out of the silence but that was just torture for me.  Now when he does the silent treatment I pretend I don't notice.  He eventually just stops and I don't even say anything about it then.  I am an expert at living with someone giving me the silent treatment, I've gotten so used to it sometimes I even prefer it. .  Honestly it is the most infuriating thing!  Sometimes I suspect hubby doesn't even know what he's angry about and why he's doing what he's doing - he certainly is unable to articulate it.   I used to write in a journal about all this nonsense and most of my entries would start "well, he's not talking to me again and again, I have no idea why" 

I'm sorry to hear this. 4 months as your longest record sounds really horrible and most frustrating but it is good that you have found ways to cope and now even prefer it . Whether I preferred it or not fluctuated day by day and it was still torture to not hear from her. I think that's a really good idea, just writing your feelings in a journal. Must be hard living with the ST treatment at first and having to feel those negative emotions and unable have your husband really be there for you. At least I didn't live with my ex. Say if you brought the issues up after he finally broke the silence, like asking why would he then continue the ST straight again?

[daisydragonfly]

Frustrating is an understatement! It used to drive me insane and I'd follow him around nipping at his heels trying to get something, anything out of him.  It's much easier after 20 years!  I generally don't bother trying to address the issues even after he's decided to stop with the silent treatment.  He usually just blames me for whatever the problem was and it's impossible to have a logical and reasonable conversation anyway.  I don't think he's ever answered a WHY question without blaming me. 

[Curiously1]

Frustrating is an understatement! It used to drive me insane and I'd follow him around nipping at his heels trying to get something, anything out of him.  It's much easier after 20 years!  I generally don't bother trying to address the issues even after he's decided to stop with the silent treatment.  He usually just blames me for whatever the problem was and it's impossible to have a logical and reasonable conversation anyway.  I don't think he's ever answered a WHY question without blaming me. 

Makes sense. That's what they seem to all do. Just blame us over and over again until we just accept we cannot change their minds on the subject. How do you deal with it then? Just stop asking why? Can you ever predict when you may be getting the silent treatment or sometime it just happens for no reason/unpredictable? Is he able to say sorry for anything?

[DreamerGirl]

My experience with ST is that is escalates.

I've never chased him or given him contact when he pulled away and he always came back, acting like everything was rosy.  As long as played along and didn't rock boat, then everything would be great for a while.

I have just ended the relationship during his latest ST.  I honest couldn't take it anymore.  I want to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally mature and stable.  Who will talk to me and express their feelings, if they are angry about something, rather than have no idea what it is that I have done to offend them.  I hoped for years he would change and learn to open up, and that never happened.

[Curiously1]

My experience with ST is that is escalates.

I've never chased him or given him contact when he pulled away and he always came back, acting like everything was rosy.  As long as played along and didn't rock boat, then everything would be great for a while.

I have just ended the relationship during his latest ST.  I honest couldn't take it anymore.  I want to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally mature and stable.  Who will talk to me and express their feelings, if they are angry about something, rather than have no idea what it is that I have done to offend them.  I hoped for years he would change and learn to open up, and that never happened.

It's really unhealthy, I don't think I could ever put up with such a thing again and glad to be broken up with mine too.

Pretending that issues aren't there is so unsettling, pretending everything is fine and having to carry that while they go and act like well nothing happened or it's better if you don't exist.

Did he come running back promising he wouldn't or try not to be silent when there are issues to share anymore?

[Cat Familiar]

My husband gives mini silent treatment sessions regularly over my presumed offenses. Sometimes he will sit in a chair and hang his head and put his hands on his forehead over his eyes as though he's in the throes of grief. It's always a punishment.

It's so melodramatic that it's actually funny sometimes. If I get up and leave the room, he'll ask where I'm going. Yet if I stay, he doesn't want to talk. It's absurd.

He went through an exaggerated mini silent treatment phase yesterday. I found out the "offense" I committed was to put the truck registration bill on his desk without the envelope and without telling him that I wanted him to pay it. He spent all day angry with me over that.

When he finally explained what he was upset about, I apologized because I could see it from his point of view--that he was just a "bill paying machine", yet my apology meant nothing to him because he still continued to be angry about me doing that.

I did try to explain (bad idea) that I just forgot to mention it--oh how completely unforgivable that was! It's f*ing crazymaking living with these BPDs sometimes. 

[daisydragonfly]

I can relate!  Sometimes it is comical and I do try, for my own sake to look at it like that... .some of my days would make a great sit-com.  When the silent treatment doesn't work sometimes he resorts to slamming things around or throwing my things away.  Nothing big really, something like a dishcloth or other little things.  I've learned when he's like this and things go missing that I need to check the garbage.  I roll my eyes and laugh at it now but in the beginning it was such a horrible feeling to be so invisible and rejected.  Now I have my own interests and activities and don't bother wasting my energy in something so draining. That being said, sometimes it just GETs to me and I get angry and resentful because really, who doesn't want a relationship with someone who can have a grown up conversation. 

Seriously, it's like you've lied or cheated or ran over their mother when really you just hung a dishtowel in a place they didn't like it.  You know those memes you see on Facebook about reasons your toddler is crying?  I have to fight the urge to do a similar one for my husband.

I have also learned not to use the words "tantrum" or "pout" .  Even though, that is exactly what it is.  Hahaha!

[Love hurts]

I have had the silent treatment for 11 days today. We live together and she has reverted to the bedroom.

She will communicate with others but not me! I'll get a few words here and there, but she will txt me, only when she wants too. It's all my fault and I'm being pushed and pulled in every direction! I too am new to this! It's bloody hard emotional mentally physically. I just think positive and I hope she will let me in soon.

[BestVersionOfMe]

I have had the silent treatment for 11 days today. We live together and she has reverted to the bedroom.

She will communicate with others but not me! I'll get a few words here and there, but she will txt me, only when she wants too. It's all my fault and I'm being pushed and pulled in every direction! I too am new to this! It's bloody hard emotional mentally physically. I just think positive and I hope she will let me in soon.

I know, I know, it is soo childish and hard to take.  Have you approached her about it through using a boundaries/validation approach?

[jrharvey]

One of the things that drives me absolutely NUTS is when my girlfriend gives me the silent treatment. It always happens like this. She feels insecure about something and ask 20 questions trying to probe for something to be upset about. Then she may say something like... .well you didnt text me when you were at the grocery store so how do I know you werent with some girls? Then I will get frustrated and just calmly say that doesnt make sense or say I am spent with the questions and its starting to not make sense. Then she will get angry and start raising her voice and we will argue and argue. Then she will go silent. If this happens in the morning she will go silent all day. Then I will text her that morning trying to make up and make things better. Im not admitting fault but just saying I want to be better and we shouldnt be fighting about this. She will go all day without saying anything back. Then that night she will rage at me for not texting her. She will say I dont care and she was waiting on me to text her all day and nothing. I didnt tell her anything and its all my fault. It makes no sense to me and you cannot argue with that kind of crazy.

[DreamerGirl]

Hi  Curiously1,

No he never comes running back.  It's a very gradual thing, never really spoken off, because in his mind, I deserved his Silent Treatment.   I have to own that if I want to be with him, so the truth is, he will never change, he will never have insight.  If anything ever changes, it will simply be, because I have made the change, to work on my issues of why I am allowing him into my life.  The power really is in my hands.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Silent treatment has one purpose which is to elicit a reaction.  It is a test.  The only way to respond to silent treatment is indifference.  Indifference to silent treatment is like walking away from a fight, it is smart, do that every time.