Had a heart to heart with my Dad.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I got in my usual fight with my Dad this morning, and put  my foot down because he hurt me with bait and switch tactics again. All I did was focus on working hard the past 3 days, since it felt like what I had the most control over. I went to bed, and woke up crying. I felt so sad that it feels like I've lost a father.

I went to my Dad crying (first time in probably over a year) and told him that what I hate most about how he treats me is that I feel like I've lost a father, and no matter what I do, he'll still intentionally hurt me, and sabotage me. And it really hurts so much to feel that way. I told him that it's so confusing to have all these memories jumbled with intentionally harming or screwing me, or needing to be on top to do nice things for me.

My birthday is coming up soon, and I told him how him intentionally screwing me on birthdays, causes me to not want anything from him, and even if, I wanted something, and he did something nice and didn't screw me, how am I supposed to feel about it, when all the good memories are jumbled with the times he screwed me. And even fishing is jumbled with times he screwed me now, which although I don't fish anymore, were fond memories. I also told him how I tried to care about every one of his birthdays, even when I didn't feel well. Except the ones in the last few years, I felt sick when I tried to be nice to him (but did it anyways), because my gut didn't trust him anymore.

It's not even that I can't forgive the harm he caused me. It's that I don't trust the good times either, because they're marred by his ego, and his NPD, and how it was all about him being the big man, and me being the inept scapegoat he had to teach, to feel big about himself, and how even in recent years, he worked to keep me down, to keep that position.

I just feel so hurt at how the lack of gravity he feels for his actions, how my heart to heart, felt like it fell on deaf ears, because the lack of empathy doesn't cause a normal response of actually caring at the love and affection that he's destroyed. He just doesn't get it. And it breaks my heart so much.