Do BPD have a way of making YOU feel like the cause of all problems?

[richardson]

Basically my question is am I to blame for much of this, or is it manipulation.

Met a girl and we had instant chemistry. We are both single parents.  There were red flags, but I ignored them due to the amazing chemistry. 

Quickly she was in love with me.  Talked about living together. Kids. Family etc.

Then abruptly one day she was getting back with her ex. 

A couple days later she says she can't, and loves me.  This entire scenario happened two more times. This was all in the first month.

Basically what happened was when she just divorced him she signed her rights to the kids away and moved out of state.  She then said she couldn't see her kids unless she sleeps with him. 

So one day I said "I am out" let me know if you get an attorney.  Next day she got an attorney and filed papers. 

For the next 3 months it was a custody battle.  Hard on me, hard on her, so basically life was all about her. 

At this time she has her own house a state away, but wants to stay with me full time. Until the custody battle is over, and she gets every other weekend.

Now this is where the problems start.  She would just unexpectedly leave to go home for reasons that made no sense. At any random moment she will say "I am leaving tomorrow will be back in 3 days". The reasons were to check her mail to pay a power bill, to pick up a cell phone, (never brought the phone back), to go to a doctor (never went) etc.  so when this kept happening it seemed odd, disruptive, made me wonder if she is cheating etc.

After a while this led me to be irritated.  I wouldn't yell or scream, but more or less think, withdraw etc. this really bothered her.  I just couldn't believe these odd reasons to drive 11 hours round trip.

So again, she was cooking dinner for my son and I.  This is 7 at night.  I love within walking distance of 5 grocery stores.  She leaves to get butter and shows up an hour later.  This was odd. When I ask how I took that long (takes me 6 minutes) she gets mad , defensive, says we should break up etc.

Now the final argument dealt with her phone.  She has my lock code as I gave it to her.  She was texting and then locking her phone late night infront of me.  I asked to see it.  She wouldn't let me hold it.  Got all mad, angry, defensive and said we can't work out.  She is going home.

We tried for two more days, then she finally left.  Said we are broken up and it is over... .  I suggested we try to work it out.  She was cold as ice.

Now just on a whim, I checked her small town Craigslist site. (Same exact night she left)

As soon as she got home I saw an ad that I felt must be hers.  She mentioned her high sex drive, working out, looking for a "friend" etc. I emailed with a fake photo.  She replied right away saying I was handsome.  The same exact minute she texted me telling me how much she misses me!  She had no idea I was actually the guy who sent her an email. This led to a big blow up on my part, as how on earth is she seeking a new guy 5 hours after we broke up?

Is it normal for BPD to move on that fast, but also try to keep you on a string? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[willtimeheal]

Sorry you are going through this.  Every case of BPD is different. My ex strung me along while she lied and cheated. She would disappear for a week's an  then come hone like nothing ever happened. When I would ask about it or get upset she would say I was too sensitive or that I didn't trust her.
Hate to tell you but your ex has been cheating the whole time. When she disappears and/or goes hone for a few  days she is going to meet someone new or and old flame. Run now and don't look back. It will save you a lot of heart ache. Run!
You are not to blame for any of this. It is the disorder. It has both in  to do with you. I blamed myself for a long time... .if I just did this or that... .but it wouldn't have mattered. She  is mentally ill.  It has nothing to do with you and you are not to blame.

[richardson]

In my case she could not help from planning a future constantly. 

Where to buy a home, children, how our kids will play together, Christmas , next summer etc.

Then during the smallest of disagreements she would start packing her car, getting ready to leave, saying its over etc.

It was also so extreme, that during one of her "break ups" with me, she blocked me and was 100 percent sure it was all over.  Later the same day she "missed me" and drove  5 hours back to see me.

But this last time she left she was just stone cold. It seemed different. She also said it was my "red flags" that she doesn't like and can't be with.

It is as if all of her wants and plans with me were just things said on the surface as part of a game to keep Me around for attention.

[Rock Chick]

I agree with willtimeheal. Every BPD is different. I also think she was probably cheating on you. None of this is your fault you did nothing to cause this. This is all her and her being BPD etc. Perhaps it's apart of the impulsive and recklessness parts of BPD as to why she is being as you described. Also BPDs wear heart on sleeve, think something is more than it is, over share info off the bat, etc. But like said before and willtimeheal said every BPD is different and it also depends if she has any other pds or mental issues as that could also explain things. Just my view pt though. It will be interesting to hear what others have to say and what they been threw that is similar.

[Rock Chick]

... .But this last time she left she was just stone cold. It seemed different. It is as if all of her wants and plans with me were just things said on the surface as part of a game to keep Me around for attention.

Sounds like typical BPDness. She was and I am sorry to say this probably just string you along and keeping you in her life until in her eyes someone better came along or rather would go along with everything she wanted. She probably found that person and thats why this last time was different and she was just stone cold as you said.  Although the wants and plans with you she may perhaps in the moment she said them probably meant them but thats it or things changed very shortly. Now I am just assuming things and I hate to assume and I dont know you or her but just throwing something out there and if it helps cool. Hope things get better and better for one. Hugs.

[richardson]

... .But this last time she left she was just stone cold. It seemed different. It is as if all of her wants and plans with me were just things said on the surface as part of a game to keep Me around for attention.

Sounds like typical BPDness. She was and I am sorry to say this probably just string you along and keeping you in her life until in her eyes someone better came along or rather would go along with everything she wanted. She probably found that person and thats why this last time was different and she was just stone cold as you said.  Although the wants and plans with you she may perhaps in the moment she said them probably meant them but thats it or things changed very shortly. Now I am just assuming things and I hate to assume and I dont know you or her but just throwing something out there and if it helps cool. Hope things get better and better for one. Hugs.

Yes. At the moment I am positive she felt and wanted those things.  At that moment... .But it never felt as though it was deep solid and real.

I also got the impression she cannot be alone one night.  Which made her trips very odd to me.

She also totally "went cold" after I suggested we have unlocked phones.  And when I asked to see her phone... .  It was basically over after that.  She said "well you could have asked me at anytime for my code. But not now it is too late".

The entire time she always complained how her ex locked his phone and it felt bad as he was cheating.  She went on and on about how she is an open book. So I was actually surprised to see her negative  reaction to my suggestion.

Even when things were wonderful, I always had a bit of anxiety as at any minute she would or could just be like "oh... .Have to leave tomorrow am to do xzy".  Something that never made any sense.

After every break up she would start with the "I love you" "I miss you" immediately, but then tell me it is 100 percent over. Then a few hours later want to drive back to be with me.

This last time she was at my house for ten days straight. After months of this custody battle, and when we were at a place to really be able to start life, she ended it.

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello! I haven't read through your story but the answer is YES! and because they are so intelligent, they are VERY good at it too!

So... .take care of yourself!

[bunny4523]

Hi Richardson,

pwBPD tend to project alot so like her saying she saw your red flags might be her fear of you seeing hers.  Those stories of her "ex" cheating and locking his phone might be her story.  I saw that alot with my exBPD.  He would tell me these crazy things his ex did which turned out to be the things he did.  Really weird cause I can only imagine what stories he is trying to tell about me. 

These are very hard relationships to be involved in.  Thing long and hard if this is what you want to sign up for.

Best wishes and I'm so sorry you are going through this... .
Bunny

[richardson]

Hi Richardson,

pwBPD tend to project alot so like her saying she saw your red flags might be her fear of you seeing hers.  Those stories of her "ex" cheating and locking his phone might be her story.  I saw that alot with my exBPD.  He would tell me these crazy things his ex did which turned out to be the things he did.  Really weird cause I can only imagine what stories he is trying to tell about me. 

These are very hard relationships to be involved in.  Thing long and hard if this is what you want to sign up for.

Best wishes and I'm so sorry you are going through this... .
Bunny

Good point. 

Another thing I notice is that as soon as she got what she wants (custody battle
Over, schedule to see me, at a great place) she takes off and posts ads for someone else.


I mean it was so trying and difficult daily to get to this point.  It was her dream.  Then it's over.

On a side note she started calling and texting me already , calling me baby, saying she is wet for me, and saying she likes our old plans... .

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello! After one-and-half-year dating my last BPD (had a few short relationships with BPD before)
I've let him the honour to believe that it is only me who doesn't function and is sabotaging.

Me and therapists have tried for over a year to make "things work"... .everytime that he was close to a solution... .to correct his kids... .he wouln't do it and even be sarcastic.
He'd overprotect his kids... .out of his guilt to have left them, left their mother, the family... .and because he cannot be alone and runs like a bordercolly after them in a way to keep this idea of "having a family"... .
He had the chance to move on with me and he was too scared to do it, knowing that his family won't leave him (cannot leave him) and I can.

But I want to move on. I told him I have had enough from this weird things in our so-called-relationship. I do not deserve to feel as if a tractor has ran over me when I wake up in the morning.

He can keep his madness all to himself and to his dear family that didn't support daddy to date... .jealousy.
So I do let him the honour and I recall him on the fact that he is the one who broke up the relationship to travel one month with his daughters (16 and 25 year). He tries to come back now "as if nothing happened and as if he is not the source of my pain". Well... I cannot deal with it anymore and altough it is hard for the good times we shared... .I let him believe that I am the jealous one and he the good daddy;
It feels so much easier to part when I stop telling him that every therapist says I am right that to travel with daughters in a "nearly-incest-atmosph" is NOT done... .and so on and so on.

I stop telling him but I stopped him coming to see me too... .he acted as if he still had the choice.

Fighting is over and done with. Amen.

[richardson]

At this point she started texting me again.  Things she said :

"Screw my life.  I can't live without you or with you"

"I am taking baby steps.  Trying to be alone and possibly work things out with you"

"I miss you"

"Goodnight baby"

"I loved our ideas"

At this point , even though she dumped me, is she expecting me to beg her?  Is she just wanting attention, but wants to move on? Am I a back up plan? Should I contact her or just wait for her to ask for a reconciliation?

My texts have been a bit more cold as of yesterday and today.  Polite but I am obviously not pouring my heart out to her.

[Oncebitten]

Richardson

To answer your original question... YES... .the absolutely twist reality around and make everything your fault.  My ex/current gf (relationship in flux can't say what we are) does this all the time... .they basically project all of their own short commings and insecurities on to you... .then blame you for all the problems.

I can tell you that against the advice of others and my better judgment I have continued to chase my gf after a recent break up... .results have been exhausting... .together 1 hr and prepared to work it out... .broken up and moving on the next amicably... .then broken up and never speaking again. ... cycle hasn't quit and I don't know if it will

[richardson]

cycle hasn't quit and I don't know if it will

Mine has been chaotic.

During the last break up I contacted her, she said it is all
Over , good luck, and blocked me.  She said she had a new job lined up where she lives, and no contact is needed.

Within the same day, she was driving 5 hours to see me, wanted to start a life with me, and would never ever leave me again... . Then of course she did.

[richardson]

I also notice EVERYTHING was over, (life plans she pushes for) over a small
Disagreement.

Also, she keeps texting me conflicting things all day.

She wants to see me every day.  ( but made her decision to work in another state when she doesn't need to at all)

She is coming to see me (not sure when)

She is in love with me and can't sleep without me (but is choosing to do so)

It's like she can't say goodbye, but is making choices that lead to us not being able to work out.

[richardson]

Wow.  This saga took a new turn.

So, for the past 4 months she stopped sleeping with her ex husband. Then he would not allow her to see her kids. She said she always felt like slitting her wrists. And thanked me for standing by her so she can be free of him.

So she spent about 10 k on legal fees. (I saw all the receipts and emails). It was a daily topic, about how to win this case.  How her ex is a monster etc.

So Monday she is texting me she wants to spend the week with me.  Misses me so
Much.

Then she casually throws in "oh my ex husband and I are friends with benefits again"

And she couldn't understand why I was mad.  She said they just have "good sex" but with me it is different.  And she loves me.  She is not with him. She says now she "can choose" to have sex with him if she wants, so it is different.

Absolutely crazy how she went back to him. She also blamed me, said we broke up the previous day (she left me) and said it was my fault.

[Meili]

Man, that does sound like it's all over the map! Have you started to establish boundaries with her?

[richardson]

The strangest thing was that after everything, she slept with her ex the next day.  While still texting she loves me.  When I found out she just was like "we were broken up" .  Like of course that is totally fine.  And we didn't "break up", she just left me.

Then she started with extreme sexual texting last few days... .

[Meili]

How are things going now?

[richardson]

She basically made lots of promises and came back. 

Last weekend I had my son and she had her son in another state.

She drive 5 hours to see me and spend the night. Everything seemed great.

I went to work and she called
Me yelling about something that happened 8 weeks ago.  She said she packed all her things and moved out. Said it was over.

Then everyday she is texting how hard it is to get over me.  She loves me. Etc.  I asked to see her and she said she can't as it is over.

I suggested it was best if we do not communicate anymore.  She said fine, and have not heard from her at all today.

[richardson]

This is the cycle.  She had a home in a neighboring state 4 hours away.

Each recycle she seems to be more and more serious about me.  She does things like change her health care plan to my state.  Forward her mail to my home. She basically stays with me 24 7. She went to go buy a car that would be good for our "future " children last week 

Then all of a sudden one thing I said, or some insignificant thing from the past sets her off.  And she leaves.  Says it is over Forever.

While she is gone she blocks me but emails me several times a day how much she misses me. If I suggest getting together she says "no it's over"

Until apparently she is ready and at any random time does a 180 and wants to drive anytime 5 hours to be with me forever. 

[amsheehy]

I also notice EVERYTHING was over, (life plans she pushes for) over a small
Disagreement.

Also, she keeps texting me conflicting things all day.

She wants to see me every day.  ( but made her decision to work in another state when she doesn't need to at all)

She is coming to see me (not sure when)

She is in love with me and can't sleep without me (but is choosing to do so)

It's like she can't say goodbye, but is making choices that lead to us not being able to work out.

Exact same with me.  Will say she'll want to be together or spend the rest of her life with me, but then will have tentative plans to quit job, go back to school and start over somewhere else, etc.  I can never understand why she's always SAYING she's going down one path, but actually GOING down a different one... .

Wow.  This saga took a new turn.

So, for the past 4 months she stopped sleeping with her ex husband. Then he would not allow her to see her kids. She said she always felt like slitting her wrists. And thanked me for standing by her so she can be free of him.

So she spent about 10 k on legal fees. (I saw all the receipts and emails). It was a daily topic, about how to win this case.  How her ex is a monster etc.

So Monday she is texting me she wants to spend the week with me.  Misses me so
Much.

Then she casually throws in "oh my ex husband and I are friends with benefits again"

And she couldn't understand why I was mad.  She said they just have "good sex" but with me it is different.  And she loves me.  She is not with him. She says now she "can choose" to have sex with him if she wants, so it is different.

Absolutely crazy how she went back to him. She also blamed me, said we broke up the previous day (she left me) and said it was my fault.

Again, EXACT same thing.  Would pull away from ex and say she sees all the horrible things he's done and how horrible he is/was.  Would seem to be free and clear for months, then WHAM, back together in two seconds bc of a fight over me finding emails b/t her and guys on a dating site.  It's their constant fear of abandonment and constantly needing validation that they're indeed lovable in some sort of way. 

Here is the issue.

We are both recently divorced.

If she could be honest with herself, and take things slow with me, and not
Make huge promises, maybe.

But she expects to have me 100 percent and cannot control herself.  It jumps to talk of 24/7 together forever and how she will never be with another man, including her ex, ever ever again. 

So to hear that daily, then she disappears over the smallest slight, is extremely difficult.

Yet again, EXACT same thing with me.  Seems to go totally overboard and make all these grandiose statements about spending the rest of her life with me, but then at the first sign of trouble (in her head), she rockets to the totally opposite extreme. 

It always just seems to come back to this horrible fear of abandonment and she'll desperately grasp at anything to avoid being alone.  She always catastrophizes at the slightest HINT of there being a problem and she HEARS that it's over even though that's not what's being said and in a panic (usually) runs to the nearest person she can get.  In my case, I know that she doesn't WANT to be with somebody else, but her innate fear and terror drive her to those places.

[richardson]

Exactly.  Within one day it was together forever to she took all her things and disappeared when I was at work.  A day later she sent me a list of my faults.

Things like I chat on yahoo messenger (haven't even done that in ten years), I don't like onions, I have Facebook, I still have baby furniture in my basement from ex.  Etc