Dating after BPD/NPD ex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I did it. I went on my first date after leaving my ex a couple months ago.

I've had a profile on a dating app for a while and there were plenty of people who seemed nice, and one person in particular jumped out at me as an amazing person to meet. Seemed very healthy, politically active, shared my values, and did a lot of international work related to social justice, is a lawyer for a non profit, just the whole package- good looking, nice personality, good person, and great career. So when he asked me out I finally said yes.

And honestly he was very nice, very friendly, sweet, etc. For a while I was pretty defensive around men and pretty angry and cold/distant/hostile. And I have a lot of shame and guilt and self criticism and a hard time focusing/being productive, and social anxiety- I was intending on trying to focus on myself before trying to explore connecting with new people or dating. And very anxious and insecure, feeling lost in my own self and identity. So I was pretty unsure and anxious about putting myself out there but I was so into this person I just decided to harness that enthusiasm and go for it. And the idea of dating honestly did feel motivating for wanting to eat healthier, exercise, take care of myself, and work on my own healing.

But I was super anxious and awkward during the date. When he asked questions I had a really hard time talking about myself with him. I mentioned my ex a little bit- he was talking about his dog and I brought up the fact I used to have one... .he asked what happened and I mentioned my ex. After having this 8 yr old codependent roller coaster relationship that consumed my energy and attention for so long it was hard to avoid mentioning it. I glazed over while we were talking and felt fake and not fully present. I felt slow trying to filter what I wanted to say. Afterwards I texted him and apologized for being so awkward and let him know it was my first date after a 8 yr relationship and first online date. I kinda feel like a blew it with someone I really admired- but to an extent I felt intimidated by him. Not that he seemed pretentious but just not being content with who I am and where I'm at with my well being and goals, and not being at peace with myself. I guess just because i'm not as healthy and active as I want doesn't mean i can't be at ease with myself who are more healthy and active as me. and my self worth shouldn't be contingent on those goals. i have been having fun with some girlfriends I've recently become close with. I feel like I can be myself and talk about my issues/struggles, feel safe/accepted/valued, and can be weird/goofy around them.

part of me feels unworthy, like I'm not deserving of someone 'healthy'. part of me feels motivated towards improving myself. But I also want to develop acceptance of where I am. My therapist has me writing down narratives from my ex and from my family so I feel less attached to their narratives and judgement about me and I can discern where I'm being influenced by others and where it is really me.

Even in the beginning of my relationship with my BPD ex and during his mirroring/idealization phase I didn't like him as much as this random person from the internet I met once. So that seems like a good thing, after all this time browsing around on the dating site I do know what I want and what I like, even if I don't feel confident enough in myself to have a conversation without panicking! I feel immature for my age and like I didn't develop in my last relationship being so overwhelmed and numbed emotionally to cope with the roller coaster of highs and lows.

I guess I'm just putting this out there to process it, see if this has been similar to others experiences (I know that being suspicious and having a hard time trust in others seems to be a common theme for others, I'm not sure if crippling anxiety and self loathing and actually really admiring the other person is common?). is it strange to really think someone is super great? if I know i'm not doing my best or trying my best due to my anxiety/depression/recovery from emotional abuse, perhaps it's natural to have some cognitive dissonance about not living true to my goals? i've never really dating someone who I felt was way better looking or way more successful for me, tho i did admire them in some ways i did criticize them in others. i do feel like i consistently over compare myself to others- esp other women they have dated before me. bleh i feel like a teenager again, starting over with basic things like dating and owning who i am. it's like the progress i made in my life, in my emotional intelligence, etc has been rewound backwards with the BPD relationship. or like I've lost years of my life entangled in this sick twisted relationship. i've also been diagnosing myself with everything- c-ptsd, agoraphobia, anxiety, depression, dissociation, etc. however my therapist didn't give me any of those diagnosis. I'm sure we all have some symptoms of everything to an extent but it gives me pause to think she didn't pick up on of that?

Anyway I'm just rambling with my thoughts, and struggling with my self destructive habits. I'm inspired by the amount of mindfulness, self reflection, and emotional insight others in this group demonstrate and strive to invest more of my time and energy and attention into that for myself. In the meanwhile I'll take any help I can get to reframe my self limiting thoughts and inner critic with a more self compassionate and encouraging set of statements!

[tin]

So I did it. I went on my first date after leaving my ex a couple months ago.

I've had a profile on a dating app for a while and there were plenty of people who seemed nice, and one person in particular jumped out at me as an amazing person to meet. Seemed very healthy, politically active, shared my values, and did a lot of international work related to social justice, is a lawyer for a non profit, just the whole package- good looking, nice personality, good person, and great career. So when he asked me out I finally said yes.

And honestly he was very nice, very friendly, sweet, etc. For a while I was pretty defensive around men and pretty angry and cold/distant/hostile. And I have a lot of shame and guilt and self criticism and a hard time focusing/being productive, and social anxiety- I was intending on trying to focus on myself before trying to explore connecting with new people or dating. And very anxious and insecure, feeling lost in my own self and identity. So I was pretty unsure and anxious about putting myself out there but I was so into this person I just decided to harness that enthusiasm and go for it. And the idea of dating honestly did feel motivating for wanting to eat healthier, exercise, take care of myself, and work on my own healing.

But I was super anxious and awkward during the date. When he asked questions I had a really hard time talking about myself with him. I mentioned my ex a little bit- he was talking about his dog and I brought up the fact I used to have one... .he asked what happened and I mentioned my ex. After having this 8 yr old codependent roller coaster relationship that consumed my energy and attention for so long it was hard to avoid mentioning it. I glazed over while we were talking and felt fake and not fully present. I felt slow trying to filter what I wanted to say. Afterwards I texted him and apologized for being so awkward and let him know it was my first date after a 8 yr relationship and first online date. I kinda feel like a blew it with someone I really admired- but to an extent I felt intimidated by him. Not that he seemed pretentious but just not being content with who I am and where I'm at with my well being and goals, and not being at peace with myself. I guess just because i'm not as healthy and active as I want doesn't mean i can't be at ease with myself who are more healthy and active as me. and my self worth shouldn't be contingent on those goals. i have been having fun with some girlfriends I've recently become close with. I feel like I can be myself and talk about my issues/struggles, feel safe/accepted/valued, and can be weird/goofy around them.

part of me feels unworthy, like I'm not deserving of someone 'healthy'. part of me feels motivated towards improving myself. But I also want to develop acceptance of where I am. My therapist has me writing down narratives from my ex and from my family so I feel less attached to their narratives and judgement about me and I can discern where I'm being influenced by others and where it is really me.

Even in the beginning of my relationship with my BPD ex and during his mirroring/idealization phase I didn't like him as much as this random person from the internet I met once. So that seems like a good thing, after all this time browsing around on the dating site I do know what I want and what I like, even if I don't feel confident enough in myself to have a conversation without panicking! I feel immature for my age and like I didn't develop in my last relationship being so overwhelmed and numbed emotionally to cope with the roller coaster of highs and lows.

I guess I'm just putting this out there to process it, see if this has been similar to others experiences (I know that being suspicious and having a hard time trust in others seems to be a common theme for others, I'm not sure if crippling anxiety and self loathing and actually really admiring the other person is common?). is it strange to really think someone is super great? if I know i'm not doing my best or trying my best due to my anxiety/depression/recovery from emotional abuse, perhaps it's natural to have some cognitive dissonance about not living true to my goals? i've never really dating someone who I felt was way better looking or way more successful for me, tho i did admire them in some ways i did criticize them in others. i do feel like i consistently over compare myself to others- esp other women they have dated before me. bleh i feel like a teenager again, starting over with basic things like dating and owning who i am. it's like the progress i made in my life, in my emotional intelligence, etc has been rewound backwards with the BPD relationship. or like I've lost years of my life entangled in this sick twisted relationship. i've also been diagnosing myself with everything- c-ptsd, agoraphobia, anxiety, depression, dissociation, etc. however my therapist didn't give me any of those diagnosis. I'm sure we all have some symptoms of everything to an extent but it gives me pause to think she didn't pick up on of that?

Anyway I'm just rambling with my thoughts, and struggling with my self destructive habits. I'm inspired by the amount of mindfulness, self reflection, and emotional insight others in this group demonstrate and strive to invest more of my time and energy and attention into that for myself. In the meanwhile I'll take any help I can get to reframe my self limiting thoughts and inner critic with a more self compassionate and encouraging set of statements!

[tin]

Doing some reflecting and I'm going to post on my own post again- ha.

So some things I can be proud of here:

I was brave and set up a date and actually showed up to it! And I didn't just play it safe and go out with someone who was not intimidating or a sure shot. It was someone I thought I would and did admire. Typically in the past I've played it 'safe' with guys that I wasn't too intimidated by and felt some certainty about.

It didn't go great and we probably aren't going to meet up again. But I didn't hide that in shame. I mentioned it to some coworkers and friends who I admire and my older sister who has her life together. I didn't feel like I needed to hide. My sister tried to help me, which I find kind of annoying. Friends were supportive ("anyone would be awkward/nervous, that's normal" etc.). Coworkers who were much older and more confident that me seemed uncomfortable with my vulnerability and and anxiety and just wanted to talk about themselves and how great they were. One women literally talked about how when she was young she was in NYC she dated super successful congressmen and selected her husband due to his phd from an ivy league school. I did like that this guy was successful, but that his goal was to help marginalized/vulnerable people and he was driven, successful and contented in that goal. And he intentionally strives NOT to be pretentious! But at least I opened up to people in my life about my struggles and shortcomings. And I didn't take some insulting/rude/condensing things that were said by older women in my life overly personally (I'm 31). And I was honest with myself about things in my life and about me I want to improve and address.

I can feel somewhat confident and enjoy myself around the right people (friends who appreciate and support and value me). Ideally I'll be expanding that capacity over time even in times where I'm not in a safe space- but having that quality back is something I appreciate and really enjoy.

My T keeps reminding me to celebrate my progress and to find things to celebrate. And I don't want to be a force of negativity or a self-pity party for myself or anyone else I interact with.

[tin]

Another blessing to be grateful for: this person didn't take advantage of the fact that I'm insecure and anxious. Was respectful. If someone were to leap on jumping into a relationship with me in the state I find myself in- particularly being on a blind date I was all kinds of panicky- probably has something problematic going on with them! Either they can relate all too well or they have the savior/enabler/codependent thing going on! Perhaps it's good to not date until I stabilize but it did reveal to me where I am, emotionally, in stressful/high pressure (perhaps I created that stress/pressure for myself) situations. And to stay focused on myself and invest my energy/attention into myself.

[once removed]

hi tin,

i can certainly relate to struggling with confidence and anxiety in getting back out there, and the effects of grieving. i feel so "small", needy, and unattractive after a breakup, and its like a self fulfilling prophecy, and can make me feel worse.

the thing about dating when we havent fully detached/grieved/resolved is that a healthy prospect can sense it, and a less healthy person may be drawn to it in a less than healthy way.

thinking about that if i leave it there might give me anxious thoughts, but believe me when i stress this does not have to be a bad thing.

part of me feels unworthy, like I'm not deserving of someone 'healthy'. part of me feels motivated towards improving myself. But I also want to develop acceptance of where I am.

so switch gears, and take the pressure off.

theres a big difference between "unworthy" and "not ready/work in progress" right? if your dog died, or a parent died, youd need to grieve, right? there wouldnt be any space for investing yourself in a healthy or otherwise relationship. you wouldnt feel any need to prove anything or win worthiness. you wouldnt judge yourself harshly if things were a little awkward.

id approach dating in exactly the same way. no pressure. make it fun and challenging in a selfish sort of way. make it more about having a good time and feeling good about it. make the objective strictly to get to know someone, whether there is attraction or not. use the experience to determine what you dont want and dont want in a relationship. you can start to remove that pressure of comparing yourself by sort of setting that limit on yourself... .meeting and living by your own standards rather than someone elses.

make sense?

[Insom]

Hi, tin. 

Congrats on dipping your toe in the dating waters!  It sounds like you're doing a fine job moving forward in a thoughtful, self aware way.  These things aren't easy.

I hear you're second guessing yourself and can relate with what it feels like to self-assess after a stressful social interaction.  Om's comment about taking the pressure off is a sweet one.  Have you thought about what a more fun/less stressful date might look or feel like?  How do you feel about making the next date you go on a "practice" date?

[tin]

I wouldn't say I'm mourning the loss of the relationship so much as the impact it had on my sense of self and identity. I had the mentality that I'm not ready to dive into a commitment but I wanted to explore. I think the judgement arouse when looking at myself the ways I've missed myself, my goals, and my ideals and how depleted I feel. I think the idea of meeting new people was motivating to want to better embody my own values, but also painful to face the realties of what I'm currently capable of and the state I'm in. While I wanted to view meeting people with the exploratory mindset, I ended up feeling rude for being so awkward during the conversation and finding myself very self conscious talking about myself in the context. Perhaps it would be good to keep trying and see how much progress I can make since hiding from the world and staying in my ' comfort zone' for so long hasn't been very motivating.