Major red flag

[strikeforce]

It all started so well then boom it all started to unravel, as we all know.

However looking back there was so many red flags.

The one thing that stays in my mind was the day she opened up to me. Told me that when she had her son she couldn't bond with him, didn't want him at all. Then told me the time that she was taken in to care after she blacked out and woke up over her son with a pillow in her hand 

Scary. Needless to say that helped me make my mind up that I needed out.

[zkirtz]

oh that unravelling yes I had that too,

i was already sensitive to all the complements I had Then, a week after we've met, someone said to my ex who was complaining about his suffering. 

"well, seems that you have all the luck, why don't you do something about it" , the woman said to him. That was itself a red flag but I could not believe such harshness and said "no he is just telling you that he has been through a lot".

And then he moaned yes and said that he did go through a lot. And yes, he did go through a history of abuse.  red-flagband I was the only one who understood him he said... . 

then I woke up one day with his arms around my neck.  yet another red flag but I still stayed because I was the only one to understand his sorrow. Never seemed to bother myself with my sorrow, though.

[froggy]

Strikeforce

I remember a couple years after we got married... I had rolled over and put my arm over him while asleep and he pushed me off and punched me in the face in his sleep. ... I ignored every red flag before we were married... throwing beer bottles at me and raging in the middle of the street at a party... saw the flag waving and the big brass band behind him and STILL married him... .tons after... still here 33 years later... .you are not alone.

[Lady31]

Oh my goodness guys! 

These are scary things.  Froggy - what is your current situation.  You said still here 33 years later.  Are you leaving?

I still married mine too.  And for the longest I thought there were very few red flags that were there beforehand.  However, last night I found some journal writings from that first year we were dating/engaged before marrying.  Hmmm... .there were certainly LOTS of red flags, however, I pushed them aside as something else.

Most of that was his lack of interest in me sexually and no real emotional intimacy building.  He chalked that up to struggling with serious depression, and that we would have peaks and valleys and emotional intimacy took time to grow.  So it seemed reasonable... .realistic.  WRONG.  Now I see all my concerns written in that journal but then dismissed and how now after the fact with the divorce finalized (that I didn't think was even POSSIBLE given his portrayed beliefs/feelings regarding marriage and even wrote much about that in my journal - what a JOKE I can see clearly now) they are the same problems that were there the entire course of our relationship.  NEVER got better, just more extreme and more dark and abusive patterns and issues added TO them.

I should have ran like hell, but what can I say now?  "Oops" and a shoulder shrug doesn't quite fit this kind of mistake.

[froggy]

Lady31

Yup... .still married... on the fence for leaving... .have warned him next big blow up I'm gone... so preparing for that... working on my own issues right now. We might as well be room mates... sex is nonexistent. .and when it happens it's completely about him. I've disengaged emotionally. .not much bothers me any more. .I'm only here for the moral issues... .my kids are grown... 24 and 25... just waiting for the FOG to clear.

It  came to me today that I don't know any thing BUT  BPD... .I know how to deal with it ... been a life time. ... need to find out who I am... I KNOW I'm never going to get my needs met... .just have to get the strength and courage to leave.

[Waifed]

Good luck Froggy. I feel for you. I can only imagine what you have endured in 33 years.

[froggy]

Waifed

I don't know any different. .my father was uBPD I'm sure looking back... with a whole host of other issues. .so walked into this relationship thinking this is how it was suppose to be... .he changed shortly after we got married. .I wanted out after the first year but I was 19... where was I going to go... he had me convinced no one else would want me... .been through a lot... soo worn out... .kidd turned out relatively normal... good kids... my son has mental issues. .I have a lot of guilt about staying too long.

Turning 50 really has me reflecting... .along with a friend pointing out the blaintingly obvious. ... lots of reflection in the last couple months... .life has not been fun... .but I survived. ... now to figure out who I really am.

[hurtbyboderline]

Not long after I started seeing my now exBPDGF she told me she'd never had a BF she hadn't cheated on. To include her ex-Hubby... .What did I do with this MAJOR red flag? I painted it GREEN! LOL! Oh yeah, things would be different with me! LOL... .Oh and I knew her 12-14 years before I hooked up with her (we didn't recognize each other at first). She was a good friend of my then current GF. At that time she was married, had a steady BF that was also married plus was seeing another guy who she was Prego from (had an abortion). AND one time she hit on me & my then GF was encouraging it! I wouldn't go for it. Long story... .Talk about RED flags!  After re-reading this I see I need to work on myself a little... .A little?  LOL... .  zzz

[eeyore]

I wish it had truly unraveled early for me.  I heeded the red flags and discussed my concerns which led to him covering up the concerns and sucking me into years of pushing me away and then pulling me in.   If it had unraveled I would have been spared the wasted years.   Funny he still tries to pull me in but I'm not buying the lines anymore.  I just wait for his pull to end and then leave him alone NC after his attempts to pull me in fail. 

Living in my own home has made it so much clearer for me that I am capable of a healthy and fulfilling relationship, just not with him.  I just have to start fresh now and meet someone else who is likewise is capable. 

[strikeforce]

Just incase it passed anyone by she was admitting that she had nearly smothered her son

[Waifed]

Waifed

I don't know any different. .my father was uBPD I'm sure looking back... with a whole host of other issues. .so walked into this relationship thinking this is how it was suppose to be... .he changed shortly after we got married. .I wanted out after the first year but I was 19... where was I going to go... he had me convinced no one else would want me... .been through a lot... soo worn out... .kidd turned out relatively normal... good kids... my son has mental issues. .I have a lot of guilt about staying too long.

Turning 50 really has me reflecting... .along with a friend pointing out the blaintingly obvious. ... lots of reflection in the last couple months... .life has not been fun... .but I survived. ... now to figure out who I really am.

:'( you are strong. Good luck with your good life ahead!

[Wanna Move On]

I completely relate to that!