I was very confused... now I have much more clarity

[NonInFlorida]

I've been with a beautiful woman for over 6 years.  We were married less than a year ago.  I saw the personality traits before, but explained it away (most often at her insistence) as passion.  It was very, very passionate for years, but I really wished I had paid attention to the quick, unexplained anger she exhibited about almost anything.  There was a huge change in her after we were married.  In fact, it was 2 days after we were married.  Her intensity, aggression as well as the number of times per day she would go completely unreasonable ratcheted up to almost every waking moment.  One night she said she had spoken with someone about her sister (whom she has never had a healthy, stable relationship).  That person (a therapist by trade) said it sounded like sis had BPD.  A few minutes after that she started verbally annihilating me.  I slept in another room that night and looked at this unknown disorder (to me) called BPD.  I read about BPD all night.  What I found was that I was not alone.  For the next two days I researched therapists in my area to help me figure out what was happening. I found one.  While he told me to not try to diagnose anything, I knew what had I had experienced and after reading various online resources (the forums were invaluable because I was able to see others who were experiencing what I was going through) was due to, almost verbatim, BPD behavior.  I downloaded the kindle book "Walking on Eggshells" book and read almost all of it that night.  I have since read "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life".  It basically solidified what I knew already.  I can't change her.  I can change myself.  I'm a caretaker.  I accept that.  I really really believe there's nothing I can ever do to change her anger toward me (really anger toward herself).  It has gotten very terrible at my house (we have 3 children from previous marriages).  I've been trying to "keep the peace" at our home for a long time.

I contacted an attorney about the same time I found the therapist.  I think I was tolerant of the traits and anger before we were married, but clearly something concerned me enough to seek professional help within 3 months after our marriage.  The anger she shows is very much reserved for our home.  I'm not the only one... .it's the children too.  I won't tolerate it anymore and I cannot and will not save her.  Everything I'm accused of is so very clearly a mirror reflection of herself.  It's so sad (read: depressing) to come to this conclusion.  But it's something I've realized and it's liberating when you finally see it.  As a side note... .I've been 100% the caretaker regarding all finances, travel plans, etc. etc. etc.  I'm not bitter about that I just wanted to add that... .I'm the one with "everything to lose".  I don't care.  I have to get away and that's the healthiest thing I've said in years.

[Turkish]

Hello NonInFlorida,

This definitely sounds frustrating if you've contacted a L. There are lessons here which can help you if you decide to divorce. You've read two good books on learning to deal with her behaviors, yet the suggestions in them don't seem to be helping? What's the deal with the kids... .emotional and verbal abuse? How are they coping? Above all, do you feel physically safe?

Turkish

[ForeverDad]

It's not uncommon for the behaviors to worsen after marriage, even before the honeymoon gets a chance, she no doubt felt free to let her hair down, you were now hooked and it was in private settings after all, and free to "act out" in her comfort zone.

The next book to read is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.  You will have to set your priorities, protecting yourself and your children.  Distance is a good way to get protection.  With such a short marriage and no children together - avoid the "oops I'm pregnant" trap - unwinding the marriage will be difficult but far less difficult than if you had been married for years and had children together.

I presume you own the home?  If so, when you file, can you seek immediate possession even if you have to get her an apartment for a few months?  Find out your options and strategies by getting consultations with multiple family law attorneys.  Don't bother asking, "Can you handle BPD cases?"  Most will say I can handle it all.  Ask questions like, "How would you handle a high conflict divorce where the other spouse is obstructive, unreasonable and refusing to listen to reason?"  "Which attorneys would you use if you were divorcing a high conflict spouse?"  Likely the names you hear can be added to your short list.

If your spouse has ever threatened or contemplated making allegations, then be especially careful, unsubstantiated (courtspeak for false) allegations are a virtual certainty.  Do your best to avoid a weekend in jail or being framed for DV or child abuse.  Yes, it can and does happen.  Protect yourself and your kids financially, emotionally and especially legally.

Don't bother/risk seeking closure from your disordered spouse, Closure is something you'll have to Gift yourself.