adult son with BPD

[mamawhy]

My 33 year old son has BPD plus marijuana addiction.  His life has become increasingly isolated socially and recurrent job losses and now a breakup with his girlfriend aggravating his depression and anxiety.  Now he faces homelessness with rental prices increases.  He is verbally abusive to me (and all family members)for which I set boundaries.  He blames everyone else for his difficulties and is not yet willing to accept any accountability for his situation. All that I can do now seems to listen when he is not in a rage and wait for him.  I let him know he is loved and cared about.  Would it be a good idea to offer assistance to prevent homelessness or step back while he faces the consequences of his actions.  His requests are tangential not direct and manipulative.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hello mamawhy,

Welcome to the forum, although I am very sorry for your worries regarding your son that have brought you here.  It is very difficult to see our adult children make poor choices that have detrimental affects on themselves and their lives, not to mention the people who love them.  You are very wise to realize that the best thing that you can do is listen and let him know that you care and love him.

As for assisting him to prevent homelessness, I think that doing what feels right for you is the best path to follow.  If you are financially able to offer assistance and it will allow you to rest easier knowing he has a safe place to live, then I, personally, do not see anything wrong with helping.  I know that if my daughter were to become homeless, my own mental and physical health would suffer greatly.  If I could help her, I would.  I am a great believer in following one's instincts, while at the same time using the tools on the right hand side of this screen to maximize the positive effectiveness and outcome of interactions with our BPD children.

Do what feels right and best for you and your son, mamawhy.  There is no right or wrong answer.  Please know that others here understand your struggles.  You are not alone.    MomMae

[wendydarling]

Hi mamawhy

I join MomMae welcome to the family  It's heart breaking watching our loved ones struggle so, feeling their pain, how are you coping mamawhy?

While I understand your son's not taking on accountability and that is tough place for you all right now, I wanted to share  Adopt a problem solving model  tool to your right helps my daughter work through her choices when it all feels so very overwhelming. 

Can you share his requests?

WDx