Partner with 'quiet' BPD?

[Sekino]

Hello, I hope someone can enlighten me. I have been in a relationship (often long distance) for almost 5 years with a man. It was evident to me early on that his mind was quite 'different' than average, which is actually appealing in many ways. I personally have Asperger's and for a while thought he had similar traits. However, certain elements became very striking over time which seemed a lot more emotionally distressing and severe than typical ASD fare. I encountered a description of so-called 'quiet' BPD one day and it described him nearly perfectly.

That said, I don't want to jump to conclusions. I have been researching and observing closely for almost a year now, because I don't want to approach him with this notion without very solid reason. I believe that it could greatly upset him. He is extremely sensitive to stigma and feeling ostracized so I don't know if me suggesting this will give him important relief or absolutely gut him. It doesn't help that so much of the info and accounts about BPD I found online painted such horrible and often cruel outlooks on it. But he is so clearly suffering and has been contending with this nondescript pain it all his life, I want to know what's wrong.

My biggest problem is that there isn't much information or personal accounts from *male* quiet BPD sufferers. Most accounts of males with BPD I find strongly feature rage and angry outbursts as a key sign, which is the only one my partner lacks. He has an almost pathological fear of conflict; if he faces opposition or a slight, he withdraws and shuts down for a long time; he reminds me of a wounded animal hiding in a hole. He often told me he is scared of hurting people and can't stand even hurting someone's feelings. He always takes the blame.

Anyway, I'm sorry that this is long, but I dearly wish I could find a man with a more quiet form of BPD to describe it for me and see if it's a match. Here is a list of my partner's behaviours which I feel are BPD-like:

-Perpetual feeling of emptiness, or lack of profound enjoyment or connection

-Intense fear of people harming or betraying him (he even loathes gifts because he's worried that the person will use it as leverage to manipulate him).

-Fear of people thinking poorly of him or getting upset at him.

-Trouble with accepting praise and kindness, very hard on himself, perfectionism bordering on self-loathing

-Never feels he excels at anything (he is actually very gifted in many areas)

-Very few close friends and relations, even though his work is very high-profile and social. I often suspect that our own relation has lasted this long because we are long-distance; it's less threatening and less 'heavy'.

-Extremely ambivalent about pleasure or closeness. It feels like he agonizes and starves for them, yet abruptly withdraws and shuts away when they occur. That push/pull is so constant it's like clockwork. I have to always measure how affectionate I can be; sometimes it's good, other times it makes him fold in on himself.

-Perpetual feeling of being a disappointment or dysfunctional (even though he is highly skilled and successful at his work and many people openly admire him)

That's the salient points. It has been a long road but I love him deeply and I just want to know if this is a possible explanation for his struggle. I know the breakdown makes him sound terrible but he is a wonderful person and he works so hard to make other people happy. If I can only get a direct opinion from a real BPD sufferer, I feel I could try to stir him gently towards getting the right solutions.

Thank you for reading.

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[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Sekino-

Welcome back to our community.  I saw that you made a post nearly two years ago.

I’m not an expert, and I cannot say whether ALL men who have BPD traits engage in raging behavior (my BPDbf does), but does your SO exhibit “lashing out” quietly, or privately?

A person doesn’t necessarily need to rage out loud to be filled with that rage.  They don’t need to express anger outwardly to be filled with anger.  Either at others or at themselves.  Self-loathing can be expressed in private where you’ll NEVER bear witness to the full brute force of their self-loathing.

I know this happens because I did it to myself.  After my divorce (19-year marriage to uNPD/BPD ended the night he threw me across the room).  I was in denial of the emotional abuse I lived through.  Ultimately I fled my home and my life.  Then I unknowingly entered a relationship with a more obvious BPDbf (but not a narc).  A truly good guy, but emotionally troubled and struggling. 

And his BPD RAGE (and my very OLD trauma history) apparently ignited MY self-loathing to light up.  Silently. 

The ONE time I screamed back at him (in 6 years) was basically the LAST time he ever screamed at me.

Does my BF have BPD traits?  Oh heck yes.
Do I have some BPD traits?  I believe I do.

Do either of us need a diagnosis to heal these deep old wounds?  No.

What matters is that we address the behaviors and the feelings behind those behaviors with love and compassion.  And my friend, you most certainly have incredibly deep compassion for your BF.

He knows that; or maybe with the proper tools he will begin to truly trust that your intentions are pure.  And he will begin to trust himself.  A LOT is about trusting himself.  I think so anyway.

There are tools on this site to teach you new ways to communicate with your love - validation, learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain); SET (support, empathy, truth) - that perhaps can help him begin to open up to you.  Please visit the TOOLS, WORKSHOPS section and look through these tools.

It was this site that led me to a better understanding of myself.  I still lead “US”, and it’s so worth it.  We’re on a much healthier road.  He now understands that disagreements between us don’t need to escalate to his RAGE and screeching car tires.

Perhaps what you learn can help you to lead your relationship?  And will lead your BF to believe he has value and is worthy of being loved?

I can tell you that now, FINALLY...there are very few topics that I will NOT raise with my BPDbf.  My statements begin with *I*... when I need something from him... I’ve got to be so so careful to never cast a shadow of “blame” toward him.  His “guilt” is immense.  It’s not easy, the timing has to be right and I watch his “face”.  You don’t have that luxury, being long-distance.

In your case, you’ll need to consider whether your BF is responsive to Improvement.  My BF WANTED to feel better.

I hope your BF does, too.  He can.  Your thoughts?

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Sekino]

Thank you Gemsforeyes for your input. I did make a post a long time ago, it's weird, I think I had issues logging back in and eventually forgot I'd made the post, so I sadly missed on the replies I received then.

You are absolutely right about the rage being hidden. I do believe he has anger and rage within. I also know for a fact that he engages in self-harm (but not specifically cutting). It's just that he doesn't display explosive or abusive behaviours towards other people directly. Whenever I read about BPD men, it seems a recurring theme is their partners being subjected to angry outbursts. Myself as well as his other acquaintances and family always describe him as a highly soft-spoken, quiet man. I don't know whether the anger being openly aggressive or turned inwards makes any difference regarding BPD 'signs'.

Thank you for mentioning all the tools I could employ to make this easier. I don't necessarily care about an official diagnosis, I mostly want guidance on how to navigate his states in a positive way, or at least better understanding the patterns and triggers.

Whatever he has, there is a very specific 'edge' to it, it's like a separate presence living there but we can't quite see the exact shape of it. He wants to be happy but he has built such a solid wall around this that it's difficult for him to grasp a good perspective on it. I just want to be able to provide a safe place for him for those moments when he can open up or when he needs support.

What you say about blame and guilt strikes a strong chord. He is indeed extremely sensitive to blame- or merely the possibility thereof- which sends him into a very bad spiral, so I have always phrased things carefully to avoid any misunderstandings or confusing feelings that could be interpreted as indictments (I think this is one area where my ASD is handy because I naturally seek to be factual, not highly emotional when I speak, so I'm used to watching my every words anyway)

I do hope he can get better, for the sake of being free from this awful, weight. I admit that sometimes I am scared of the possibility that he might never experience his life without that nagging pain, or never get to appreciate how lovely he is as a human, no matter what. It's not that I don't have faith in him, but I do fear that he might not allow himself this much self-help or self-compassion to fight in a sustained enough way. I hate thinking this, but I do know too well that ultimately, everyone has to help save their own selves, even when someone else tries to offer support.

[Forgiveness]

The prevailing wisdom says not to tell your partner you think they have a personality disorder. It doesn't go over well. Even a therapist will sometimes withhold a diagnosis like this, at least for a while. Often the therapist will focus on what the client finds problematic, such as anxiety or insomnia.

I don't know if he has BPD.
Of the nine criteria, how many does he have? Many people are insecure and angry without a personality disorder. I think BPD is characterized by instability and moods that change suddenly. Does he go quickly from happy to distressed to happy again? Does it seems like the moods come on super fast out of nowhere? Does he love-bomb you and act super sweet sometimes?

[Sekino]

I would say I've observed 7, with 5 being severe and/or persistent. The two criteria I have not observed are intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (not outwardly anyway) and dissociation; though in this case it's because I can't quite grasp what dissociative symptoms actually look like, especially if the person wouldn't talk about what they're feeling.

He is moody but he never goes very 'high'; he's not a hyper or effusive personality. But he goes from stable to quite distressed and it's often hard for me to tell why it happens, like volatile weather. Sometimes I can see a trigger (usually an interaction with someone).

He does love-bomb, especially after a period of withdrawal. In the past I used to be certain he was sick of me and was distancing himself for good only to have him pop out of the blue with intense, passionate behaviour, as if he was devoted more than ever (in stark contrast to the prior insularity). This has happened so often and predictably that I no longer assume he's trying to move on from me when he shuts down, I wait for the 'springing back'. This is probably the one trait which is most confusing for me, even though I ride it out better now. It's like I have zero control over whether he finds my interactions pleasant or intolerable in turn. I literally act the same way but it all hinges on whatever is going on with his mood/mind, not me.

[Forgiveness]

Right. That all sounds like BPD.  The unpredictability is so hard.  One day they're hurt because you offer to help with cooking. The next day they're hurt because you don't offer. It's so confusing.

[Sekino]

Yes, it's exactly like that; even *good* things can be loaded bombs, which is the one thing that demonstrates to me most how warped it is.

Even giving a simple, heartfelt compliment can backfire and turn into a spiral downwards or shutdown. I have learned over time that complimenting his work was a little more likely to pass than saying nice things about him personally.

Sometimes I see someone tell their partner they're beautiful or great and how they glow with pride and joy from it in return. Then I fully realize how normal this ought to be; it's not me imagining things or going crazy. Kindness shouldn't be received like scalding water, that's not normal at all.

[mekwâc]

This description so accurately describes the last person I was dating I almost want to ask if they are the same person.

I have been lurking on this site looking for some sort of clarity on what was a very confusing breakup and everything written on this site fits kinda but not exactly. Until this post.

In case it provides any clarity I'll share my experience with a person with quiet bpd traits.

The man I was dating was terrified of 'hurting me', he would literally say " I am terrified of hurting you". He was constant push/ pull, yet expressing anything emotional would shut him down and make him pull away.

I felt like he desperately wanted me to love him but was terrified of me expressing any love for him. He never raged, he was very gentle and easy to talk to until you would express any sort of loving emotion. He was so sensitive.

Looking back on it now, it was like it was a game of him trying to get me to love him then running away when I did. I had expressed strong emotions for him twice before both times he basically ghosted. This third time we started hanging out again and he said he was in therapy and was looking to start dating seriously, I just needed to have patience because he had a lot of things to work though.

We were dating for about 4-5 months, he would text every single day. I thought he was falling in love with me. After our first night of being physical, the next morning he said it was all so intense he felt dizzy and could barely see. He is one of the most brilliant attractive people I have ever met, yet I think he was pretty insecure. He was super fit yet seemed to have a disordered view of his body.

I was reading about Quiet BPD and one source stated that people with quiet BPD often also suffer from alexithymia —the inability to recognize or describe emotions. He would talk about this all the time. I often thought he felt these deep things for me he just needed some time to sort through them.

Like many of the people on here, I can relate to the feeling of thinking I found my soul mate. While the idea of soulmates is weird, I have never met anyone I had so much in common with. Really odd random things too. He knew so much about everything I was into. It wasn't superficial knowledge either, it was knowledge he applied to his daily life. I think his IQ was probably in the genius realm. Looking back I find it really confusing to sort through what was real and was was mirroring behaviour.

We had a really messy break, I finally realized I was withholding a lot of how I felt and I felt like I was always walking a tight-rope of wanting him to feel safe but also never smothered. So while I was falling in love with him, I never felt like I could express it because I knew he would spiral or shut down. Initially I was ok with this because I wanted what was best for him but I started to notice this was causing me intense anxiety and was no longer good for me. I was spending all my energy trying to walk this perfect line of expressing just enough emotion but not too much.

I confronted him about it. It actually went really well. I let him know his behaviour was confusing and he was acting like he was my very serious boyfriend and yet he kept avoiding the 'where do we stand' talk. That after 4 months of intense dating I needed to know where we stood. That if he wanted something casual then I would start dating other people and he would have to stop texting me so much. He said he didn't want that. He said he actually needed an emotional connection to feel safe and he didn't want me to feel like I was walking on eggshells around him, he wanted me to be able to express myself. He wanted me to be healthy and there was no point if I didn't feel that way. He wanted us to obviously get to something more serious but he was afraid of losing himself so he wanted to go slow and asked me to keep talking to him about it even if it makes him uncomfortable.

Two weeks later we were cuddling in bed and out of nowhere I had this passing thought that was like "ask him if he is dating anyone else" which given our last talk and was obviously not a thing. But I thought, as out of place as it was I should express this so I asked. He told me he had been seeing someone else and he couldn't decide between us "we were just so different". I was floored. He apologized he said he wanted to tell me but he couldn't.

It was a massive mess after that. He spiralled completely and I just started expressing all my raw emotions and that made him worse and then he said some pretty hurtful things that were completely contradictory to who I thought he was.

It has been probably one of the worst breakups I have ever had since being a teenager.

I wonder all the time now how much was disorder and how much was real and how long this other woman was around. I am thinking probably the whole time. At the very raw bitter end I was able to finally get some small tiny answers about her. He said he dated her before me but she moved away and he wasn't ready for anything serious anyway. But then she moved back to the city for school and they started hanging out 'as friends' but then he realized he liked her. Which would of been the month we started dating.

During our messy disengaging he breadcrumbed me and said he needed time to sort through his thoughts and feelings and then he would be ready to have a conversation. This went on for weeks. Weeks of intense anxiety and random small text messages. I eventually quit waiting and ended it via text he then start answering a couple questions via text (he couldn't handle on the phone or in person) when I kept asking hard questions, he eventually told me to leave him alone.

I haven't been this heartbroken since being a teenager. I was engaged to my last partner of 6 years and that breakup didn't leave me even a fraction of this heartbroken and confused. I had to take time off work, I was a mess.

This was all a couple months ago I am mostly fine now but I am terrified of running into him. I ended up back lurking on this forum because a couple days ago I was at a social event and was introduced to one of his female "friends", he would talk about her a lot but we had never met. He thought we would get along. He had a lot of close female 'friends' he would keep around, I never met any of them. I think he met the majority of them from online dating sites (where we met). He would talk a lot about how some of these friends would be confused and think that he liked them more than he did. Looking back now it was probably because he guided them to think that.

This 'friend' was stunning, I don't know if she knew who I was. The interaction made me shaky and kinda undid a lot of the break up work I was doing. The next morning I headed to the gym to 'run it out' and half way though my run, 'the other woman' who he couldn't decide between me or her entered the track and basically ran circles around me (I don't think she knew who I was, I found out who she was through social media lurking). The randomness of both these interactions has sucked. I feel like I have taken a month of healing work back in two days. It sucks.

So he fits a lot of the BPD traits including string of 'orbiters' but not the rages or the maliciousness or outbursts and he mostly was this gentle caring sensitive man. I don't know if lied, he obviously would hide truths which I guess is lying but I don't know if he was capable of complete flat out lying but maybe I didn't know him at all.

I ended up telling him at the very end I thought he should look into Quiet BPD. I was honestly trying to be helpful. I hope it was.

I try to wish him the best, but I also try to feel my anger about how I was treated. It's been a rollercoaster. I hope you find the clarity you are looking for.

[SinisterComplex]

I would just refer you to these 2 things for insight...

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329294.0;all...

Keep in mind...BPD is very similar regardless of gender actually.  You may find this list of red flags to be useful and maybe not, but I still suggest going through it to see if anything hits home.

Additionally, I would recommend reading this...

https://www.eggshelltherapy.com/quiet-bpd/

I will chime from a personal viewpoint if you wish me to do so. Otherwise I will observe and pay attention.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-