Hi guys. I’m so glad to have found this forum.

[Shadowdancing101]

Hi!    First post here. Male 42 years old, two teenage sons.  I’m really grateful to have found this page/forum.  My wife of 24 years exhibits many traits of BPD, and I’m just here looking to share my story and meet others who have had similar experiences with their spouse who has BPD.  Believe me when I say:  none of us are perfect, especially myself!!  I hope I don’t come across as an a-hole for saying my wife has BPD.  —it is only my speculation based upon many years of situations/behaviors that have led me to realize she probably has this, and is undiagnosed by a professional. 

Life is strange and I’m just glad to be here to get some of these thoughts out of my head and also:  I need help with how to deal with her behavior and fluctuating moods;  sometimes I feel hopeless.  Thanks to anyone who reads this, I’m looking forward to meeting you all and learning your stories too.

Thank you.  -Shadow

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AppeaseNoMore]

Hi Shadow,
Your situation sounds similar to mine. Been together for over 20 years, married with two kids. I didn't know anything about BPD until recently. Only when her criticism of me started getting more frequent, and over more trivial issues, did I start to think there was a real problem. She claims the problems are because I'm a narcissist although I can't really understand her reasoning. A lot of it seems to be based on isolated incidents where she says I didn't care about her, which she has accumulated over the years. But when I suggest that she has BPD tendencies (like you, also undiagnosed), based on clear evidence (instant rage over trivial issues, splitting with me and her friends, paranoid ideation, etc) she gets mad that I could even dare to suggest that. Lesson learned! Don't mention BPD to a high-functioning BPD.

One difficulty I have is that she says I'm too defensive and can't admit my mistakes. I accept that I may not be the quickest at this so she's not entirely wrong. But I don't remember even once that she's admitted any fault in a major argument. She says that's because she was right, of course I don't agree with that (certainly not every time). To have the charge of "can't admit fault" laid against me, when she is so much worse, really upsets me.

[EyesUp]

@Shadow,

Welcome. You're in good company.

I know what you mean about fluctuating moods... that might be the perfect way to put it.

If you're looking for a sort of quick-start guide, one of the more universal lessons/exercises can be found here:  https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating 

@AppeaseNoMore,

Great observation re: double standards.  Reasonable or merely polite people often accept some degree of accountability because it's generally understood that disagreements of any kind require two people, and no single person is always 100% correct.  This world just doesn't work that way.  In this way, someone who insists that they are infallible is... obviously fallible.

In my experience, even when I readily accepted criticism, my uBPDxw would often say "you're just saying that to avoid the discussion" or "you don't really mean it" - etc. 

If I responded with "OK, how can I give you some assurance?" my uBPDxw would often perceive a challenge rather than support.

I found that's where boundaries can come into play:  https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries 

I hope some of this helpful.