Getting my exwBPD back

[Peepou23]

Hello. I am currently in a bad situation with my ex and am looking for advice and guidance.

To sum it up, I have been with this girl since September. She had BPD. Everything was going great, when suddenly, at the end of October, she decided to ghost me and when I kept asking her "whats wrong" she blocked me. I brushed it off and continued on with my life, since it was barely a 2 month relationship. A week later, I went to a party and she was there. I decided not to say hi since I thought she was mad at me. 3 days later she unblocks me and says that she is sorry for what she did and wants to go out. I accept and everything is back to normal. Everything is going better than ever to the point where I got attached. November and December were like a fantasy. On Christmas Day, she decides to warn me about one of her phases where she doesn't want to talk to anyone. I accept and after New Years I decide to check up on her and see where she is and how she is doing. She doesn't respond for a day. I was immature there and decide to unfollow her, but I said to her "I unfollowed you because I caught myself checking your profile multiple times a day". Immediately after that she responds how I am immature and ends things off immediately. I thought that she was still in her phase and gave her some space. I was dealing with family and personal problems at that time and didn't want to hit her up until I was ready to be with her, so after I thought I was finally ready in early February I text her saying "Can we go out" and she said "No" and how my behaviour hurt her. We still agreed to talk sometimes and I even mentioned that I want to give her a rose I bought and kept before our break up. She said that it was cute and agreed that I could give it to her sometime. 3 weeks pass. Its March now. I finally muster up the courage to contact her to meet up and give her the rose. We met up outside of a cafe and talked. I saw the sparks back when we did. I then ask her to go out for a coffee sometimes and then she tells me that she is seeing somebody else. I ask her if she's official with him yet and she says no, so I still decided to ask her to go out. To my surprise she agreed. Tomorrow I ask her when can we meet up over text and she says how she doesn't wanna do it now and that she is with someone else and that I deserve better. I get emotional and start begging. I know I shouldnt have done that. She says how she doesnt wanna block me or ignore me, but I block her anyways. I unblocked her a few days later only to see she blocked me back.

3 weeks have passed since that event and I have so many questions. I tried to move on, I really did, but I still want to get back with her. I know that she might hurt me again, but I really think if we gave it a second chance we might work, especially since I found out more information about pwBPD. My questions are:
Has she really moved on? She might have told me she did, but she did lie about a few things in the past. I really think I saw a connection with us, even when we talked the last time. Do people with BPD move on quick or is she an exception? I really want to get back with her. I am giving her space now of course. It is her choice after all. But I want to see her in a couple weeks to tell her some things and be honest with her, without begging or being emotional. How should I approach? Thank you.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family Peepou23.  I'm very sorry this happened and we all know how stressful this can be.

Has she really moved on?

The answer here is both "yes" and "no".  A big part of BPD is an overwhelming fear of abandonment.  It's so strong sometimes, that they'll flee a relationship if they feel like it can fall apart.  Tons of self-doubt and shame come along with that since they make these decisions while they're unstable.

The answer is yes and no because BPD's usually go through a cycle, which means that she may come back to you a third time to make amends and start over.  This can happen once, ten times, or fifty times if you allow it to, and that's what makes these relationships so challenging.  The cycles can be broken with validation and better communicating, but it take a lot of work on your part to get to that point.

Do people with BPD move on quick or is she an exception?

People with BPD generally move on quickly because they're so devastated, it feels natural jumping right into another relationship and focusing their energy there.  For them, it skips the healing process by always looking for the next thing, the next person.  But it also allows trauma to build and it often backfires on them.

But I want to see her in a couple weeks to tell her some things and be honest with her, without begging or being emotional. How should I approach?

Take some time to study in the "tips" and "tools" section of this website above to understand how to validate her feelings and avoid many of the common pitfalls.  Again, this will take some work since most of it is not intuitive.  I hope that helps!

[Peepou23]

Hi. Thank you for your answer. It helped me a lot. Another question I want to ask is if she's maybe looking to reconcile, should I wait for her first move to contact me or should I still go approach her? Thank you.

[Pook075]

Hi. Thank you for your answer. It helped me a lot. Another question I want to ask is if she's maybe looking to reconcile, should I wait for her first move to contact me or should I still go approach her? Thank you.

Sure, there's two schools of thought there.  If you pursue her too much, she's feel like you're smothering her and get even more distant.  If you make no contact, then she could think you never were interested and leaving was the right move.  So it's tough to give advice here without getting into more specifics.

Three weeks feel like an eternity in your situation, I completely understand that.  But it's such a short period of time.  If you are going to reach out, then just make sure to make it count.

[Peepou23]

Hi. I still feel like I cannot move on without atleast trying one more time to get her back. I am trying to focus on myself and everything, but I still feel like I need one more chance. I know it would hurt me, but really sometimes I think we could have gotten through it with a tiny bit more communication, since we did get over most of the problems with little effort. So I have been meaning to ask, how long do you speculate the new guy will get a little taste of it? Do I count on the same amount of time she had her phases while I was with her (Less than 2 months)? Thanks.