My wife

[MSNYPAL]

Hello,

This is my first post. I don't know where to even begin.

I have been with my SO for almost 2 years and I never expected to be here...

I have my own faults and I have failed in some aspects of our relationship so I take fault in some of our situations.

Here  is the readers digest version of what we have been through. I will answer any questions that need to clarify anything.

Codependency- that is me. I have been codependent in all of my relationships..

We met and I moved 3200 miles to be with her. In 2 months of knowing who she was.

She still was in love with someone else. I was forced to meet this person or she would do it without me anyway.

I had a friend who was an ex of mine which I have now cut of contact with. There were lies I told to keep that friend around.

I lied so she had the right to emotionally cheat on me with an ex... because to her a lie and cheating are the same.

She can not handle even a white lie. I have to tell her if things remind me of someone and that includes if a song comes on the radio and if I do not say something I am hiding something from her. She feels that's a lie.

I must still be in love with my ex because I have had multiple dreams about certain people. I can not control my dreams but they HAVE to mean something.

I can not talk to my friends about our issues ( I have lost a friend by doing so) because she is private and it causes judgement.

She thinks I am disgusting because of the amount of people I have been with in my past even though she was aware of that prior but that effects our current sex life.

I am a slut/whore.. I have been called names, said I am too emotional and so much other stuff. I know she can not help how she feels and lies effect her so I did this to myself but I need some guidance and help.. We are both currently in therapy ( just starting) but I need other resources. There is so much more but I am overwhelmed and I can't even think of what else to say..

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[Pook075]

Hello MSNYPAL and welcome.  This sounds like a really stressful situation that a lot of people he can relate to.  There's a lot to unpack and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Where to start....

Let's go with the truth/lying stuff.  Both of you have different definitions of what's a lie, and that's something you must work on together.  Defaulting to her definition allows the goalposts to endlessly shift whenever its convenient for her, and that's a huge problem for you.  It is not fair for you to have to be 10000% transparent with every thought that passes through your mind, while she keeps so much to herself.  That's a very unhealthy double standard which you'll never meet.

How do you work on this?  Boundaries.  You can promise to be faithful, but also share that you will not be interrogated because that's unfair. 

Now about your past.  We all have a past and have done things we probably shouldn't have.  Yet we don't live in the past and your girlfriend has no right to hold it against you.  The reason she does that is her own insecurities and fear of abandonment, but this must be another boundary.  Either she accepts you for who you are today or she doesn't.  It's very unfair for her to lash out at you over things that happened before you met.

It goes back to the last point, the judgement is unfair and makes a healthy relationship difficult.  You can affirm that you're there for her, that you love her and you aren't going anywhere...that will relieve some of her abandonment fears.  And ultimately you'll need to find a different way to communicate these fears in a healthy way.

When you get a chance, please take a look at the "tools section" at the top of this page to learn a little more about communication with a BPD and not invalidating their feelings.  It takes a little work and a lot of patience to really master this stuff, so don't feel bad if it doesn't feel natural.  It didn't for any of us at first.

Finally, your dreams- do not share them.  If she thinks that's lying, then fine...that's on her, not you.  It would be wise to avoid those conversations completely since nothing good can come from them.  I hope that helps!

[MSNYPAL]

Thank you for that. I choose to tell her the dreams because it avoids bigger conflict.

If I don't she will call me out because she has very good intuition and she will know I just didn't tell her.

That will cause a bigger issue than me just telling her.

I try to be understanding to her way of thinking and feeling. I don't always feel heard though..

[MSNYPAL]

Forgot to add, she is 1000% transparent with me which is why she expects that in return.

[kells76]

Hey, adding a welcome from me -- glad you found us.

There's a lot going on for you; it's no wonder you're overwhelmed. While there can be a lot to learn about effective relationship skills with a pwBPD, and while it's definitely a marathon and not a sprint, learning and applying new tools and approaches can make your life more livable.

We are both currently in therapy ( just starting) but I need other resources.

When did she/you/both of you start?

What is the focus of the therapy -- is it "for" something specific, or more general?

Does she think she has any problems?

[MSNYPAL]

We just started therapy last week. There is an issue with that though.

The psychologist that we got her only prescribes meds. We found someone else to do therapy with but that lady knew nothing about BPD so we are on the hunt for someone new. I think we found someone but she is feeling overwhelmed so she is taking a break from talking about therapy for the moment.

I on the other hand think she needs to speed up the process but I am trying not to push.

The goal is for her to sort out her feelings. Figure out why she feels the way she does about certain things and help her get through current guilt she feels.

My goal is to get a grip on myself because I feel as though I am losing myself in the relationship.

We are having an issue again about my past. She says that the amount of people I have been with eats at her every day. She can't not let it bother her and she pictures me with other people. She said in turn that makes her repulsed by me. Then she feels guilty for feeling that way.

I can not go back and change my past. I do not know what to do to help her. She says she wants to be with me but either way she looks at it she will suffer. She said being with me she suffers every day thinking about these things and if she left me she would suffer because she would miss me. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I do not know what to do.