Proud of myself for not enabling

[WitzEndWife]

uBPDh is working through his issues of self-doubt and being afraid of growing up and failing, and it's manifesting in all sorts of odd ways. Yesterday, he lost his tie clip and messaged me multiple times while I was at work, calling himself all sorts of names, and saying I should take out a life insurance policy on him. I told him firmly, "I don't like it when you talk about yourself like that. I'm not going to listen to it anymore." When he continued to rip on himself, I said, "Okay, I'm done chatting for now. Come back when you're done being mean to yourself." He tried to say some other things, but I didn't respond. He contacted me about an hour and a half later, having calmed down somewhat.

This morning, he had something go wrong with his laptop, and he started whipping himself up into a panicked frenzy over that, yelling and ranting. I went downstairs, made my breakfast, and sat down there, calmly waiting for him to stop. He came downstairs and started storming back and forth, looking for something. I didn't even look up. He finally came back into the room and said, "Are you reading to go?" I said, "Sure," and got my things.

Before we headed out the door, he started sobbing to himself. I said, "I'm not getting into the car with you when you're like that." He pulled himself together and said, "It's fine, let's go." He was perfectly fine on the ride into work.

So, first, I want to pat myself on the back for not playing into his drama game. Second, I do realize that growing up and taking responsibility is hard for BPDs. I know this is very scary for him, but I also don't want to do everything for him, when I know that he's perfectly capable of doing this himself.

I don't expect that the drama will end anytime soon, but hopefully I can continue to avoid getting sucked in.

[flourdust]

These sound like anxiety attacks, rather than a problem with "growing up and taking responsibility." Does your husband have any diagnosis? Anxiety is treatable.

[formflier]

I thought the same thing... .

Not unusual for anxiety or other stuff to be mixed in with a PD.

I can tend to have PTSD and anxiety stuff.  I had reached out to my P once when something acute happened.  She calmly directed me to go for a walk and make sure I was breathing deeply in a rhythm with my footsteps.

Ummmm... .it worked like a champ.  Sounds like hokum (or at least did to me at the time) but it worked better than normal walk... .or deep breathing.

Anyway... .good job staying out of it and holding a boundary on car riding with upset person.        

FF

[WitzEndWife]

He's never been diagnosed, but I'm certain he has anxiety issues. I've given him a DBT workbook, which has a lot of meditation in it, but he hasn't even cracked it open. It's frustrating because he won't help himself, and continues to stay tortured and twisted up in his feelings.

I also think he does it to be dramatic though. He wants the attention. I think he's slightly angry/rebelling about having to have a career and put in some real, consistent work. It's also overwhelming to take responsibility for your own life when you haven't done this for 40 years.

All I can do now is take care of myself and not feed into his rage and anxiety. My mantra is just, ":)on't get sucked in. Don't play the game."

[formflier]

I'm glad you can empathize with how hard it is to "take the wheel"... .at such a late stage in life.

Can you catch me up quickly on what he did for the first 40 years.  Career... jobs?  where did money come from?

FF

[flourdust]

All I can do now is take care of myself and not feed into his rage and anxiety. My mantra is just, ":)on't get sucked in. Don't play the game."

It sounds like you've checked out of this relationship.

[WitzEndWife]

I'm glad you can empathize with how hard it is to "take the wheel"... .at such a late stage in life.

Can you catch me up quickly on what he did for the first 40 years.  Career... jobs?  where did money come from?

FF

He hasn't held many jobs in his life for long. His longest stint was as a senior Op-Ed columnist in his hometown paper. He tried to start a clothing line, and did photography to kind of scrape money together. He had some rather seedy jobs as well, like driving prostitutes back and forth to their "gigs" in Chicago. Mostly I think he lived off of his mother and family as much as he could.

He didn't finish high school or go to college, because he felt like he was "above" everyone else. He did read a lot. He felt that he didn't need higher education and could get by without it. He did attend some classes, I think. After that, he spent a lot of time floating around. I think he worked as a busboy, and had paper routes when he was younger.

He thought he would end up a novelist like Norman Mailer or Hemingway. He thought he was getting there when he became a columnist. However, he botched that position by getting angry and writing a hit piece on a local liquor store.

He spent a lot of his adult life partying, and dating younger women, so that he didn't have to cope with the realities and responsibilities of life. Once he hit his mid-30s, he started to realize that he wanted to settle down. It would take him another five years to settle on a career choice. A lot of people start getting into real estate in their 40s, so I think he will do fine, and his office holds him accountable for executing tasks, so this is a good thing. I think it's still scary for him, because he does fear failing at this. I worry about him running into a conflict and raging out, but we'll see how it goes. There are plenty of BPDs who can function in the working world, and he does tend to be nice to strangers, so we'll see.

[WitzEndWife]

It sounds like you've checked out of this relationship.

I don't think I've "checked out" - I just can't get whipped up into his drama. That is what he wants me to do. He wants me to become upset. He wants to whip me up. I find that the best way to deal with him is to remain calm, and stay supportive but detached until he decides to calm down himself.

[flourdust]

I don't think I've "checked out" - I just can't get whipped up into his drama. That is what he wants me to do. He wants me to become upset. He wants to whip me up. I find that the best way to deal with him is to remain calm, and stay supportive but detached until he decides to calm down himself.

OK... .but is there any kind of useful middle space between "stay disengaged from his drama" and "be his rescuer"?

[WitzEndWife]

OK... .but is there any kind of useful middle space between "stay disengaged from his drama" and "be his rescuer"?

I have tried just about everything. I've tried to be helpful, but all he wants me to do is rescue him. At this point, I'm not sure what I can do. If he loses something, it's not my job to find it for him. I say, "That is really a bummer. I'm sorry that happened. Maybe it will turn up." But do I jump into the search every single time he misplaces something and starts ranting and panicking? That seems like rescuing to me.

[flourdust]

I have tried just about everything.

I'm not doubting you. I don't know what you mean by "just about everything." What about the various tools and lessons here and available in books like "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Try any of those?

[WitzEndWife]

Yes, I try the techniques, but when I validate him when he's like this, he says I'm "patronizing". I'm frustrated. He's put me through a lot with his rages recently. And when it happens multiple times in a week (sometimes multiple times in a day), I have to withdraw to protect myself. I tell him I'll help him or talk to him when he's calmed down. I tell him I won't listen to him saying terrible things about himself. Isn't doing for oneself and not walking on eggshells the primary goal here?

[flourdust]

It's a common mistake - one I've made myself - to use the wrong tools at the wrong time. You give a good example - validation isn't a soothing technique to end a rage. Validation is a prevention technique. When it works, it's by building up a reservoir of empathy and connection that can help keep a relationship from being damaged by your partner's emotions.

Trying to use validation when your partner is having a meltdown is a bit like sitting down to work on your home's fire escape plan when the flames are spreading across the main floor. Great idea, but not the right time for it!

Isn't doing for oneself and not walking on eggshells the primary goal here?

I don't think so. Certainly, one should learn to be responsible for themselves and not take ownership of others' problems. (Ownership and helping aren't the same thing.) Our goal here is to get out of the loop of perpetual conflict and to chart a path toward a better future -- whether that's within your current relationship or beyond it. That might involve trying a constructive strategy to improve the relationship, doing serious self-reflection to understand your role and how it fuels the cycle of conflict, facing the reality of your situation, and finding a way to make a wise choice from the options in front of you.

The sidebar on the right on this page has a good summary of those steps and others. It's worth going through them, when you feel mentally centered enough to do so. It's better than being stuck in the crisis of the day.

[lostandconfused6]

My BPDbf has actually came out and told me that when he acts the way your spouse does 90% of the time that it's a manipulation tactic... .my therapist suggested that I call him out when he does this I have been lately and it's actually worked most of the time the other times I am completely non reactionary and it passes

[WitzEndWife]

He had a severe panic attack last night after his crown fell out. He's already apprehensive about going to the dentist to begin with, and he begged his last dentist not to perform a root canal. He squeaked by with a pulp cap and a crown. When he first discovered it had fallen out, he started hyperventilating and then feigned passing out (something he sometimes does, which is completely weird and dramatic - he's completely awake when he does this, but he dramatically drops to the floor, and lays there for a few seconds). He started pacing around the house like a maniac. I kept telling him to sit down, because I was trying to look up what to do in that moment, and he would not sit down. The Colgate website told us to get dental cement to put the crown back on until he could see a dentist. I drove him to the pharmacy and we picked out some cement and some oral pain reliever (just in case - he was scared that it was going to hurt).

I was extremely frustrated because I was trying to help him, and he was completely losing it, saying he would need to have a root canal, so he might as well kill himself. He cycled between blaming himself and blaming me for purchasing the gummy candies, which were the culprits to loosening his crown. None of this was helpful, and it was all aggravating. I wish that I had had more patience dealing with him. I was incredibly annoyed by the drama. How do you remain validating when every tiny thing is a major drama?

Needless to say, he calmed down somewhat, got the crown cemented on, and was able to sleep. Today he was still agitated, but not as bad.

I keep thinking that he would benefit greatly from DBT and meditation, if he would actually apply it. I feel as though it could be night and day for him. But, like they say, you can lead a horse to water... .

[formflier]

If someone drops to the floor and is "unresponsive"... .wouldn't it be a good idea to call 911.  Let the professionals deal with it?

When else has he done this? 

I'm glad the tooth seems to be temporarily cared for... .but I'm afraid that a bigger problem has been "fed". 


FF

[WitzEndWife]

If someone drops to the floor and is "unresponsive"... .wouldn't it be a good idea to call 911.  Let the professionals deal with it?

When else has he done this? 

I'm glad the tooth seems to be temporarily cared for... .but I'm afraid that a bigger problem has been "fed". 


FF

He does this during extreme moments of distress. One time, about a month ago, he hit himself in the head with a skateboard during an argument, and feigned passing out by dropping to the ground. I really thought he had knocked himself out. I screamed and called his name, and he didn't "wake up," so I said, "Omg, I'm calling 911!" And I picked up my phone to start to dial, and he popped up and said, "No! Don't call 911!" What did he think I would do? 

He was fine, except for the nasty scrape/bruise on his cheek from hitting himself.

Other times, he's done this during panic attacks that get him all whipped up. It's rare, but it has happened before. These are dramatic cries for attention, and I'm not sure how to deal. If I react caringly, I'm feeding into his drama and feeding his cry for attention, but if I withdraw and do nothing, then I'm "checking out" - as flourdust has suggested. I'm not sure what to do.

[formflier]

So... .this has happened twice... .correct?

If so... .how can you proactively deal with this... .going forward... .so that he hits the ground, 911 is called.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

So... .this has happened twice... .correct?

If so... .how can you proactively deal with this... .going forward... .so that he hits the ground, 911 is called.

FF

You mean, should I tell him, "The next time you pass out, I'm calling 911, because I don't know what to do"?

[formflier]

You mean, should I tell him, "The next time you pass out, I'm calling 911, because I don't know what to do"?

Pretty much... .although it would need to be expressed as a matter of concern for his health.

But... .let's confirm... are we talking about two incidents?  That may alter my idea some.

The big picture is this is a behavior that you don't in any way want to "enable"... .(check out title of your post)

I understand this is not a direct form of enabling (like handing an alcoholic a beer) and it may not be enabling at all.  The point is to be deliberate about your future actions and decision making to remove yourself from any role... whatsoever in "feeding" a dysfunctional behavior.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Pretty much... .although it would need to be expressed as a matter of concern for his health.

But... .let's confirm... are we talking about two incidents?  That may alter my idea some.

The big picture is this is a behavior that you don't in any way want to "enable"... .(check out title of your post)

I understand this is not a direct form of enabling (like handing an alcoholic a beer) and it may not be enabling at all.  The point is to be deliberate about your future actions and decision making to remove yourself from any role... whatsoever in "feeding" a dysfunctional behavior.

FF

Two recent incidents, yes. The last time before that was a long time ago. 

[formflier]

OK... .important to be proactive... .but not make this like a threat.  Also... important to "take him at his word" or "action" in this case.

"Hey babe... .I'm really concerned about the two recent times when you passed out.  This is so unlike you.  Can you go get a a checkup... .perhaps your blood pressure is off"

Blah blah blah... .I"m fine.  

"OK... babe I hope you are right and this never comes up again.  Understand I care about you and want to see you healthy.  I think I made a mistake not calling 911 when you passed out, especially since you won't go to the doctor.  In the future I'll be calling as soon as you pass out."

Again... .not in a threatening way.

If he says he was "just kidding".  Stay centered... .that's not something to kid about.  I'll be calling 911 next pass out.

Thoughts?

FF

[WitzEndWife]

OK... .important to be proactive... .but not make this like a threat.  Also... important to "take him at his word" or "action" in this case.

"Hey babe... .I'm really concerned about the two recent times when you passed out.  This is so unlike you.  Can you go get a a checkup... .perhaps your blood pressure is off"

Blah blah blah... .I"m fine.  

"OK... babe I hope you are right and this never comes up again.  Understand I care about you and want to see you healthy.  I think I made a mistake not calling 911 when you passed out, especially since you won't go to the doctor.  In the future I'll be calling as soon as you pass out."

Again... .not in a threatening way.

If he says he was "just kidding".  Stay centered... .that's not something to kid about.  I'll be calling 911 next pass out.

Thoughts?

FF

Yeah, I think that's fair. He won't get checked out about this, and it's important that I don't allow it to continue.

[formflier]

Yeah, I think that's fair. He won't get checked out about this, and it's important that I don't allow it to continue.

Just keep in mind "as much as it is up to me" 

He may get worse... .or really knock himself out... .or... who knows.

My guess is that he will straighten up.  I say that because I remember that he seemed to "pull himself together" so that you would ride with him in a car.

That tells me he values you and your presence... .when you make it clear to him that you being with him depends on him NOT have a tantrum... .he "finds" the ability to fix it... short term.

Keep that in mind... .it gives you a window to his "value system"

FF