ex just showed up at a bar I go to with the new guy

[Perfidy]

So a friend of mine just told me that my ex just showed up at a bar I go to with the new guy. She knows that I go there and it's not a place that she would normally be. She is just looking to stir the pot so what the heck? I want to call her and tell her to quit looking for trouble but that ain't gunna happen! She knows dam good and well that she's just trying to start ___! 

[GreenMango]

Are you surprised perfidy?

Did she show much of a concern or consideration for your feelings before?  Did she have a handle on appropriate behavior?

[Moonie75]

Are you surprised perfidy?

Did she show much of a concern or consideration for your feelings before?  :)id she have a handle on appropriate behavior?

They CAN do it when they need/want to! During the time I was being idealized my BPDgf was very judgmental of my ex wifes behavior. Ex wife was turning up at places I liked & BPDgf was the one telling me to "rise above it" & "lets just leave quietly without making a scene" & "she's not worth the trouble".

This kind of behavior later on when they're showing their true colors is just despicable. Going to Perfidy's bar where he would enjoy a beer with friends while he grieves, and just to wind him up!

It's cr@p for you Perfidy & my heart goes out to you mate.

[Perfidy]

No she never did have much concern for anyone except her self. When someone goes looking for trouble they generaly find it. The protection part of a breakup. I don't want any trouble. So I need to stay away from the places I like and stay away from her. I want ZERO contact.

[Perfidy]

She is looking for a reaction from me. I will not give her the satisfaction. My friend sure go an earful though.

[Moonie75]

She is looking for a reaction from me. I will not give her the satisfaction. My friend sure go an earful though.

She either wants to see the pain in your eyes, or to see you kick off! Either way it feeds her ego.

You say your friend got an 'ear full'? Did she try winding your mate up?

[Perfidy]

No when he told me I popped a cork. Total BS!

[Ironmanrises]

That is another form of stalking behavior exhibited by her... . but with a mean twist... . Involving the new guy to get him insecure about you(taking him to a bar she knows you go to) and like Moonie said, to get a reaction out of you. Attention for her from all angles. I would have been upset too.

[Perfidy]

The city has over four million people in the metro area. There are thousands of bars.

[Perfidy]

So am I being childish for not wanting to be friendly with my ex? Am I being immature because I don't want her going to places that I go to? Should I be able to be social with her and her new boyfriend? Should I be ok with that? After all of the crap and disrespect she had for me when we were together? Her boyfriend must have some thoughts about why she would go there. He probably is beginning to see her for who she is by now. My friend said he was very quiet. He must have been nervous that I would walk in. I don't want to meet him and I want nada to do with her. Speaking of my friend he seemed to think I should just be ok with everything. I think it shows lack of discretion and poor thinking all the way around. He knows how this has been hurting me.

[eyvindr]

I don't think you're being childish, Perfidy.

So am I being childish for not wanting to be friendly with my ex? Am I being immature because I don't want her going to places that I go to? Should I be able to be social with her and her new boyfriend? Should I be ok with that? After all of the crap and disrespect she had for me when we were together?

The answer would be yes, you should be ok with this -- IF we were talking about a well-adjusted, mature former partner. An ex pwBPD doesn't fall into that category, sadly. So, the so-called "normal rules of engagement" just don't apply, because they won't be mutually applied.

Her boyfriend must have some thoughts about why she would go there. He probably is beginning to see her for who she is by now. My friend said he was very quiet. He must have been nervous that I would walk in. I don't want to meet him and I want nada to do with her. Speaking of my friend he seemed to think I should just be ok with everything. I think it shows lack of discretion and poor thinking all the way around. He knows how this has been hurting me.

Sometimes friends just don't understand the extent of this stuff. It is, after all, pretty extreme, weird and crazy-sounding. Easy to sound paranoid to folks who've never experienced it themselves.

I'd agree -- as much as it sucks, your best course of action is to find a new favorite pub.

Hang in there.

[WXYZ]

... . I don't want to meet him and I want nada to do with her... .

My thinking exactly. I think the fact that she is turning up at your (NOT HER) fav bar with her boyfriend is an incredibly bad sign. There is a great potential for all sorts of bad stuff that can happen as a result.  I would avoid like the plague! 

[Clearmind]

She is looking for a reaction from me.

Its working!

Perfidy, my ex would turn up at places where I frequented too. It was not to stir the pot - it was to hopefully bump into me, talk and become friends. His life is built on shame and could not stand the silent treatment I was giving him.

We also need to exercise some maturity and simply let these things go.

[GlennT]

You are right. Bpd heaven is when half the bar is full of their ex's who can be recycled on an as need basis. I have seen this. Since she knows you go there, just don't go there anymore, until your sure your strong enough to avoid an emotional entanglement.

. I don't want to meet him and I want nada to do with her. Speaking of my friend he seemed to think I should just be ok with everything. I think it shows lack of discretion and poor thinking all the way around. He knows how this has been hurting me.

[Perfidy]

I want no contact ever again from her. Not even indirect. She is so abusive and thoughtless all I want to do is forget her. I am suffering PTSD like symptoms and it sucks. This morning I started getting suicidal thoughts again. I have my resources so I'm not going there. I know what to do. Besides I do love myself I just want to stop suffering for this.

[WXYZ]

She is looking for a reaction from me.

Its working!

Perfidy, my ex would turn up at places where I frequented too. It was not to stir the pot - it was to hopefully bump into me, talk and become friends. His life is built on shame and could not stand the silent treatment I was giving him.

We also need to exercise some maturity and simply let these things go.

Surely we need to be mindful of the potential outcomes when we are talking about exBPD & her boyfriend being in close proximity to Perfidy and ALCOHOL being involved.  Who knows what crap exBPD has put into the mind of her new boyfriend? Now ADD alcohol!

I reckon exercising maturity amounts to erring on the side of caution in this situation.  Its one thing to reach indifference but its quite another to ignore the combination of alcohol, exBPD, her boyfriend & Perfidy being in close proximity.  Given enough alcohol who can predict the outcome.

Am I missing something here?

[Perfidy]

That's about the size of it. It just really sucks. I don't even need the aggrivation.

[GreenMango]

Exercising maturity is looking out for you.  Erring on what's best for you long run.

And yes there are a million other bars she can go to.  She didnt.  It's inconsiderate.  Not fair.  Shows poor taste.  Shows little consideration.  Shows little discretion.  Shows a lot of stuff.

The ugly truth is as much as we'd like to be able to control the other persons actions we can't.  We can control ours.

Perfidy you can be irked by this.  It's gonna take some time - and there will be other situations where you get pissed or upset.  Keep making those choices that are healthy for you.  I think it was a good idea you didn't go and may need to look at some other places to hang with those friends for awhile until you feel less vulnerable.

Ps alcohol and any emotional distress don't mix. 

[WXYZ]

Ps alcohol and any emotional distress don't mix.  

Bingo !

[Perfidy]

I have no desire to control her. I never really did want to. I may have indirectly controlled her when we were together but it sure wasn't deliberate. She allowed herself to be controlled by money and things like my home and other things that I bought her. Yes, now I'm sure that she was just using me of course but I am aware and careful not to control others. I know the most powerful controls are money, sex and drugs. I wanted her to be able to control herself. I know what love is and control isn't it. I actually understand perfect love. I practice it. I knew I couldn't stop her drug use. I didn't even try. I didn't promote it but I did try to give her ambiguity by just being a good responsible person. I let her have her free will and did not try to take that from her. I know how to love another person and I do know how to love myself. It was just the wrong person I was loving. I know this now. I loved her enough to let her be her. Now I love her enough to let her go. I know I can't control her and I actually cannot stand thinking about being near her. I want to burn this bridge.

[Perfidy]

I want to point out that the relationship that we had was the longest one in her life and she had been dumped by every other guy that she had a relationship with. That should tell you how understanding and kind I was to her. Yes go ahead and scream it at me... . How dysfunctional I am. Codependant with major core trauma because all the guys that dumped her were healthy. I was just the biggest dumbass.

[GreenMango]

I'm not talking about overt control.  Just expecting that they'd do what you'd do or know what's a decent way to behave.  It leads to situations of being pissed or shocked they didn't.

Part of the disorder is self direction deficits, impulsivity and lack of empathy.  They sound simple enough right?

Here's how they play out with a person with BPD or BPD traits.

-lack of consideration of the cause and effect of behavior

-little definition between self and others (boundaries)

-ambivalence towards or fluctuating goals with little insight on how to reach goals.

-reckless and emotional lead decisions to satisfy distress

-lack of understanding on how ones behaviors affect others and relationships


None of this makes it okay or easier to deal with.  Just know what you are dealing with.  Mental illness doesn't always have to be the paranoid schizophrenic guy in the subway - sometimes its in the thoughts, actions, and the feelings of everyday things.  With BPD you don't see it unless its really extreme (suicidal/self harming clinical cases) or you get close enough to cross that intimacy threshold.

And we've all made some mistakes getting involved in a relationship like this.  Each person has their reasons. 

[ucmeicu2]

perfidy said:

I have no desire to control her.  <cut> I wanted her to be able to control herself.

<cut> I let her have her free will and did not try to take that from her.  <cut> I know I can't control her  <cut> Am I being immature because I don't want her going to places that I go to?  <cut> She is just looking to stir the pot so what the heck? I want to call her and tell her to quit looking for trouble.

~~~~~~~~

perfidy, i may be way off base on this, but sometimes control, trying to control, attempting to control, wanting to control, controlling, etc, well sometimes it's subtle, or under our radar.  no judgement if that is the case, as i deal with this myself.  for me it can be pervasive yet imperceptible at the same time.

regardless, i am sorry you're in such pain right now.  there is light at the end of the tunnel.   

icu2

[LoneWolf768]

Perf, I agree with what the posters are saying. She didn't care about your feelings before... . why should she now?

I think that's a pretty low form of fisticuffs to take someone new to your ex's watering hole and/or wherever else they hang out. If former interests don't normally go to places like that, the only purpose they're there now is, yes, to stir the pot, keep the dance going, keep fanning the flames, etc.

You're doing the right thing by laying low and avoiding her. Still, I'd be fuming. I'm sure you are but you're thinking clearly and don't want any trouble. Kudos to you, bro!

[ucmeicu2]

You're doing the right thing by laying low and avoiding her. Still, I'd be fuming. I'm sure you are but you're thinking clearly and don't want any trouble.

is there any benefit in fuming?  on the down side it eats up our time, wastes space in our mind, fans the flames, keeps us thinking about the person we say we don't want to think about.  where is the benefit?  (ps i am no stranger to fuming ~ how do you think i know so much about it's effects?    )

plus, anger gets in the way of making good decisions, hence the expression "blinded by anger"?

oh, the time i've wasted on anger... .

icu2

[Perfidy]

I have a little more insight now. Just plain old immaturity. She had to make her presence known to a girl that I have a certain amount of interest in. She said it was weird that my ex made it a point to let her know we were together at one time. I told the girl that she spoke with that I heard enough and didn't want to talk about it. Kind of remarkable that she still identified herself with me right in front of her new boyfriend. He must not have any feelings either.