Scared, Angry Confused on what to do...

[Parents! Get help here!]

Currently my daughter is in patient at Havenwyck and they said Friday they are releasing her either today(Monday) or Tuesday. I spent all of Friday begging for help because I do not feel safe with her here in my home, not safe for myself or for my 7 year old autistic   little boy. I was on a conference call with the Social Worker on Friday and she has made ZERO improvement it was very clear yet they already had her release date all set. She has a unrealistic fantasy concept of a relationship with a boy she had only known a few days before going into the hospital this is her fourth "relationship" in 3 weeks. Each one we closed the door on, she wants to go anywhere other than here because she wants no rules. I cannot get her to understand nothing in life is free, she has no job, car or diploma, not even a state ID at this point. I am at such a cross roads I do not want her here with us because she has become unstable and abusive and this last incident pulling a knife just scares the hell out of me. She needs to be in a RTC not on the streets and not here. I am so scared if they release her tomorrow and I am forced to bring her here what will happen. And if I just let her go out the front door I dread the shell of a daughter I will get back on my front door step. She will be either used and abused, hooked on heavy drugs or in a body bag. Yet if she stays here we could end up in body bags. IT IS NOT FAIR .  At the end of the year I lost my job mainly because of excessive missed work due to multiple hospital stays and lack of sales due to my focus on helping her. It has gotten so bad I cannot even look for a job every other day I am calling the police, now I have heavy therapy to get her too if she comes home, court dates because I filed incorrigibility... .  I am losing it. My landlord has no sympathy because he thinks mental illness is a joke and filed for eviction for non-payment of rent on the 1st! I was not even late. The shoulders are crushing from all of this and so is my heart. I begged them to give us time CMH even begged the hospital for more time and they basically shrugged their shoulders and said they cannot garuntee they can keep her until Tuesday. We are scrambling trying to find a way to do this safely and I am just scared to death  

[StrugglingMom76]

Currently my daughter is in patient at Havenwyck and they said Friday they are releasing her either today(Monday) or Tuesday. I spent all of Friday begging for help because I do not feel safe with her here in my home, not safe for myself or for my 7 year old autistic   little boy. I was on a conference call with the Social Worker on Friday and she has made ZERO improvement it was very clear yet they already had her release date all set. She has a unrealistic fantasy concept of a relationship with a boy she had only known a few days before going into the hospital this is her fourth "relationship" in 3 weeks. Each one we closed the door on, she wants to go anywhere other than here because she wants no rules. I cannot get her to understand nothing in life is free, she has no job, car or diploma, not even a state ID at this point. I am at such a cross roads I do not want her here with us because she has become unstable and abusive and this last incident pulling a knife just scares the hell out of me. She needs to be in a RTC not on the streets and not here. I am so scared if they release her tomorrow and I am forced to bring her here what will happen. And if I just let her go out the front door I dread the shell of a daughter I will get back on my front door step. She will be either used and abused, hooked on heavy drugs or in a body bag. Yet if she stays here we could end up in body bags. IT IS NOT FAIR .  At the end of the year I lost my job mainly because of excessive missed work due to multiple hospital stays and lack of sales due to my focus on helping her. It has gotten so bad I cannot even look for a job every other day I am calling the police, now I have heavy therapy to get her too if she comes home, court dates because I filed incorrigibility... .  I am losing it. My landlord has no sympathy because he thinks mental illness is a joke and filed for eviction for non-payment of rent on the 1st! I was not even late. The shoulders are crushing from all of this and so is my heart. I begged them to give us time CMH even begged the hospital for more time and they basically shrugged their shoulders and said they cannot garuntee they can keep her until Tuesday. We are scrambling trying to find a way to do this safely and I am just scared to death  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[opheliasmom]

StrugglingMom,  I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't begin to give you advise about this situation, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and your family.  As difficult as it would be, if she presents a clear and dangerous threat then for your own safety you may need to call law enforcement.  I hope that you and your d. remain safe and can find a plan.

[StrugglingMom76]

opheliasmom,

It is no longer hard for me to call law enforcement if she threatens I will not hesitate to call to protect myself and my son. It is just sad because I should have the right to feel safe in my own home yet they are only protecting her and it is frustrating as can be.

[lbjnltx]

Just wondering StrugglingMom,

Does your son have an advocate that you could contact?  Let them know he may be in danger both pysically and emotionally with your d in the home? 

Sometimes the angle that you tackle a problem from will lead to different resources or solutions.

Hoping!

[eac]

Havenwyck is the worst. We had plenty of experiences there.  There are nothing more than respite care for the family.  Take her out of Havenwyck and take her straight to U of M psych emergency and tell them she is a danger to herself and others.  U of M will at least help her get medicaid going so you have more resources.

[cfh]

Struggling

Call your local NAMI chapter and explain what is going on.  They may be able to get you an advocate, explain discharge laws, help you with find an RTC for your ds, put you in touch with the right people. 

Help you get through this.  They are a great resource.

So sorry that life has taken this turn.

[StrugglingMom76]

eac,


I agree Havenwyck is a joke but at least it was a safe place. I am a huge UofM hospital fan unless it comes to their youth inpatient program. It is a JOKE! The biggest mistake I ever made was taking her there first, she thinks it is a teen camp. I am sorry but any hospital that mixes boys and girls and lets them interact as UofM did is not focusing on the care of children like my daughter. She came home with a pocket full of phone numbers and new boyfriend prospects. I am looking at LONG term residental  care for her where then can get to  the bottom of her issue, differentiate between the truths and lies and help her learn how to change her behavior. So far she has learned nothing but new tricks to manipulate and it just scares the hell out of me.

[pessim-optimist]

StrugglingMom,

Maybe taking it one step at a time, and one problem at a time might be a solution for you?

Even if U of M is bad for your dd long-term, it might help solve your problem of not having her at home with you right now, while you look for better options?

It must be SO hard, trying to deal with all this at once!

Would the first priority be maybe just getting some "babysitting" for your daughter (U of M?)? While you are trying to deal with your personal situation (housing, job etc.) one problem at a time, and focusing on better options for your d when you and your son are safe?

[StrugglingMom76]

lbjnltx,

I am working closely with community mental health but have never hear of an advocate? Can you please tell me more? I am not sure how this works.

Thank You~

[StrugglingMom76]

cfh

Struggling

Call your local NAMI chapter and explain what is going on.  They may be able to get you an advocate, explain discharge laws, help you with find an RTC for your ds, put you in touch with the right people. 

Help you get through this.  They are a great resource.

So sorry that life has taken this turn.

I called our local NAMI several times to find out if they can do a hardship membership with no return calls. I have it on my list to call once again tomorrow. This is one thing I am having a hard time with no one seems to want to deal with this or return a phone call. I am so frustrated.

[StrugglingMom76]

pessim-optimist,

I am having issues with what seems to me the hospitals are black-listing my daughter never any open beds days of waiting. UofM has been full and will not be a holding facility they will not transfer from one short term hospital to another sadly I am going to have zero choice but to bring her home or refuse and be charged with neglect. I am in a very bad situation right now. I have one piece of good news that it looks like OLHSA is going to try and help me with my house payments atleast for a brief period of time. If this works I can at least breath and try and focus on my daughter and getting things settled. There is no way I could take a job right now especially with the likely hood she will be home, I cannot leave her home alone  It is just a very very very confusing tough situation. I love the fact of all of the support here and I really appreciate it I hope I do not come off as if I am not listening. I have been dedicating ever business hour working on my options.

THANK YOU !

StrugglingMom,

Maybe taking it one step at a time, and one problem at a time might be a solution for you?

Even if U of M is bad for your dd long-term, it might help solve your problem of not having her at home with you right now, while you look for better options?

It must be SO hard, trying to deal with all this at once!

Would the first priority be maybe just getting some "babysitting" for your daughter (U of M?)? While you are trying to deal with your personal situation (housing, job etc.) one problem at a time, and focusing on better options for your d when you and your son are safe?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

lbjnltx,

I am working closely with community mental health but have never hear of an advocate? Can you please tell me more? I am not sure how this works.

Thank You~

An advocate could be a care coordinator through medicaid, the person who manages his therapies, medical appointments, special education requirements at school and parental education to support his needs in the home.  An advocate might also be a representative from an outside agency such as Autism Speaks.

[cfh]

Struggling

I'm sorry you have not heard back from NAMI, that's unusual.  Also they are a free organization with no set fees and they have many support groups.  I hope you are able to connect with them.  In my area they have a "Helpline" to call.

[pattyt]

I called our local NAMI several times to find out if they can do a hardship membership with no return calls. I have it on my list to call once again tomorrow. This is one thing I am having a hard time with no one seems to want to deal with this or return a phone call. I am so frustrated.

Call the NAMI state branch for your home state.  I had trouble connecting with my local NAMI organization and the state office got them to contact me immediately after that.

[StrugglingMom76]

**Update**

After trying for an entire day yesterday to get a hold of her social worker at Havenwyck (CMH was trying to as well) and then all this morning I finally got a call at 2pm with them telling me she was being discharged and I need to make arrangements to come and get her. I finally hit my breaking point I told them there was no way I could pick her up today my safety plan was to pick her up in the morning so that my son was safe at school and I could work through any issues when she first get's here, I have it listed the rules and expectations and community mental health already talked to her about them all and she has been calling and pestering me to change them already so I can already see the storm coming. trying hard to keep my sanity. They told me if I did not come and pick her up tonight they would call CPS and i would have neglect charges filed on me... .  I told them GO AHEAD! Well thank goodness he called back and said I could get her in the morning... .  so at least I will have until my son gets home from school to deal with whatever she throws at me. Why does it take me completely losing it to get ANY help I feel so helpless... .  

[heronbird]

Why wont they just work with us    

I remember when my dd was 16 she tried to jump off a carpark roof so they sectioned her for a month, when I spoke to the doctor I said I wanted her sectioned for 6 months and he agreed he would do it.

When we went for the meeting to do it, he didnt do it, he said he would trust her to stay in hospital. I said whay if she runs away, he said dont worry if she does they will find her then we will definitely section her for 6  months. I said thats if she isnt in a body bag.

They are not really caring for these people properly. She was in and out of hospital at least 13 times in a year, why didnt they keep her there and help her, thats what she needed.

I hope things get better for you soon and sort them selves out.

[peaceplease]

Strugglingmom,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  How terrible they were demanding that you pick your dd up tonight!  I really hope that you hear from NAMI.  Did you try the state branch as pattyt suggested?

There have been too many tragedies in this world already!  I sure hope they step it up with mental health care!

My heart goes out to you.   

peaceplease

[StrugglingMom76]

Update sorry this is short it is a pain to type on my phone. Wed morning rolled around and no word for help on transportation to pick her up. I ended up spending my last bit of money to get her.  I am so stressed and she acts like nothing has happened. Our incoragibility hearing was thursday and the petition was granted but funny she has a lawyer on her side I have no one so now off to pretrail take i am literally sick with stress. Thank you everyone for the emotional supporters

[lbjnltx]

Hello Strugglingmom,

So sorry that you are not getting the support you need. Ugh!

Can you educate me on the "incorragability ?

What's that about?  What are the possible outcome of this "hearing"?  Are there any benefits for her or your family possible?

lbj

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom... .  

Where is your family?  :)o you have friends or neighbors who can help with her until you can arrive at a plan?  

Ideally, for your safety and that of your son, your dd should not be in your home.  Period.  I agree, call the NAMI hotline or law enforcement.  :)oes she have a therapist?  If she is violent, SOMEONE needs to help you commit her to long-term inpatient care.  Threatening to charge you with neglect is a ridiculous cop-out on the part of the medical community.  Maybe you should let them... .  it may finally give you a voice as to what you are dealing with within the legal system.  You may want to get some free legal advice on what to do.

My heart bleeds for you.  You have enough going on without living in fear all the time.  I am so sorry.  

[StrugglingMom76]

Basically it is getting the law involved in the discipline process once you have exhausted every avenue for a defiant child. It has to be before they turn 17. I was able to get mine in just days before. I had no idea it was an option. I was granted to petition but she was given a lawyer (which my jobless self will have to pay for) and instead of pleading her out he set it up for pretrial. She was told by the court she needed to follow the rules and basically on a test run for probation until our hearing on the 27th. If you look you will see my new topic entry with my journaling over the last week. If something is not done I will LOSE it! Oh when this is done and if I win my case she will be on real probation with a probation officer and will have to follow the rules set forth by the court or go to jail!

Hello Strugglingmom,

So sorry that you are not getting the support you need. Ugh!

Can you educate me on the "incorragability ?

What's that about?  What are the possible outcome of this "hearing"?  Are there any benefits for her or your family possible?

lbj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Dear Strugglingmom... .  

Been there, done that.  One of the hardest things a parent will have to do ... .    other than burying a child.  When all else fails, we sometimes need an arbitrator with authority, and that is one way law enforcement can help.  Most have specially trained units to deal with the mentally ill.   

Even if DD ends up in jail... .  she is safe and she should be able to get the help she needs without the option to run away from it.

Hang in there!  You did the right thing.

   

[qcarolr]

Strugglingmom - such a place of pure terror, powerlessness. And though it feels that your D is controlling the situation, perhaps she is in terror and powerlessness too. Both of you so overwhelmed, blocked, stuck. When I get to this place I want to run away and start over somewhere else a new life. Or sit a cry all day.

Only 3 more days to your hearing. Do you have the strength and courage to let go of your D for these 3 days? To let her know that for these 3 days you will step back from being the enforcer. You love her, you are available for her if she chooses on her own to come home.

Can you stay away from the facebook entries? Can you let your D know you will not be replying to any texts unless it is for her to voluntarily be coming home? I know how hard and painful this is. How it feels like the totally opposite of what you 'should' be doing. Can you let the court or other authority know of this plan? You are not abandoning your child/adult. You are giving her some space to make her own decisions until the hearing.

Continue to keep a log of the communications you receive even if you are able to refrain from responding to them - unless she is willing to voluntarily some home.

Can you push your focus to your young son for these three days? By giving him love and comfort, this connection can bring you love a comfort.

Only you can decide what path to take, what you can tolerate. Please find a way to keep from totally losing your self in this - your D needs you to be strong in some new way for her. Your hypervigilant interaction seem not to be working as you attempt to control every interaction your D has with everyone she touches in her life.

Please keep coming to vent and share. Even if we do not know how to respond to your posts, we read them.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers - for guidance, strength courage and the ability to hear the guidance. Things can get better -- 17 is such a very very hard age. My BPDD is almost 27 - things are better for us. I have learned ways to keep a longer view that gets me through the harshest times. There is always hope, even in the most hopeless feeling days. HANG ON.

qcr  

[whiletheseasonspass]

qcarol- you have put my thoughts in better words than I could have come up with.  

Do you have the strength and courage to let go of your D for these 3 days? To let her know that for these 3 days you will step back from being the enforcer. You love her, you are available for her if she chooses on her own to come home.

Can you stay away from the facebook entries? Can you let your D know you will not be replying to any texts unless it is for her to voluntarily be coming home? I know how hard and painful this is. How it feels like the totally opposite of what you 'should' be doing. Can you let the court or other authority know of this plan? You are not abandoning your child/adult. You are giving her some space to make her own decisions until the hearing.

S.Mom,

I think qcarol hit the nail on the head with her very well thought out sentiments.  

I remember the struggles - the power struggles I had with my dd.  She never could  take no for an answer.  She wanted her WAY - and would go on for HOURS HOURS HOURS at a time- begging, "debating"-   , etc while losing sight even of what she even wanted.  She wanted really to have control and me to have none.  She was angrily indignant that I dare try to parent her.  What I did not know is that I was contributing to the power struggles.   What I know now- that I did not know then is astounding.  I think that by you letting go with love... .  letting your dd KNOW that you are relinquishing all decisions to her (in a loving way) - might help a great deal in the long run and maybe even presently.

You are getting no where staying in a power struggle with an unreasonable person-  and that is where I was.  The energy output ( How I remember - wow! ) could light up a baseball stadium... .  the energy of trying to get one's defiant child to do what they will never agree to do - while they battle you and more

At any rate- just my 2 cents.  I think that qcarol gave you some great advice and I am on her coat tails expressing my sentiments albeit perhaps not quiet as eloquently as she has- but I read your thread this a.m.- and had thought the same things.

This is not going to be easy- if you take this new route- but at least the fighting will end.  That end- might just be a new beginning of something better.  

 

wtsp

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

It has taken great courage on your part to get to this point, and you are to be commended for saying "enough is enough". Do NOT beat yourself up.  Sometimes love hurts.

Now, you need to back-off and let her deal with the consequences of her actions.  Some tough love at this point in time is a wake up call, and it is what she NEEDS to get better. 

I hope your DD embraces the opportunity to improve not only her life but the lives of everyone who cares about her health and safety.  And my prayers go out to you to stay strong. 

[StrugglingMom76]

I am sorry but I am not certain how anyone can think "just letting her go" is the right thing to do? She is clearly irrational, dangerous and  am going to end up with a child that is either raped, pregnant, on heavy drugs, dead or just plain missing.  No matter what choice I make I have lost control and I cannot take any of this anymore laying awake days at a time wondering where she has gone what strangers car she gets into this time. Last time at least one of the men she got in the truck with was a FELON.  Just let her go? That is basically telling me to let my kid die!

[qcarolr]

I am sorry but I am not certain how anyone can think "just letting her go" is the right thing to do? She is clearly irrational, dangerous and  am going to end up with a child that is either raped, pregnant, on heavy drugs, dead or just plain missing.  No matter what choice I make I have lost control and I cannot take any of this anymore laying awake days at a time wondering where she has gone what strangers car she gets into this time. Last time at least one of the men she got in the truck with was a FELON.  Just let her go? That is basically telling me to let my kid die!

strugglingmom -- It is so very hard, well even impossible, to hear this 'letting go' stuff when buried in that extreme fear of losing your beloved child. That someway, somehow you are the mom and it is up to you to save her from herself. This, for me, is not about 'tough love'. It is about unconditional love. It is about finding a way to detach with love from what is not working. And the reality that maybe you are not ready to hear this yet.

I breathe, breathe and cry. I am sitting here crying with you as it comes back to me.  There are no words to express the intensity of this distress. All the rational logical words disappear. All that is left for a moment are my tears - my despair for you and your D.

For my DD at 17 - she lived 6 months in bf's apt. and lied about going to school - got pregnant followed by abortion with me and bf in the waiting room (I made him go along - it was our family insurance that paid, DD's choice "I cannot keep this baby". Years later I discovered that she was using drugs and fearful of having a defective child - she told me when she had her 2nd abortion at age 20 just before dh and I pursued custody of our gd, age 1 at that time)

I have to get myself together for a bit. It is not 'just letting her go'. Please, please know that I care deeply about you and your D and for both of you to be safe and whole. I will be back.

qcr  

[StrugglingMom76]

Well she left today at three she sent me a message she is safe,... .  well she thinks she is safe when she gets in the car with 2 strangers... .  See let her go and I will be dealing with the same if not worse... .  I WANNA SCREAMMMMM

[MammaMia]

strugglingmom

I am not talking about you abandoning your DD.   I am talking about loving her enough to allow others (the legal system/social services, etc) to HELP her.   These people will keep you involved.

Returning her to the streets having made no progress would indeed be "letting her go".  

There is a huge difference.

[mggt]

Dear Struggling Mom. so sorry to hear of your daughter leaving I know only too well how helpless you must feel the worry, anger , disappointment ,pit in your stomach .  all that and much more   Hopefully she will keep on texting you so u know she is alive and well .  Dont beat yourself up you are trying everything to help her .  Our moods change so quickly when it comes to our children with BPD it is all too much.  The guilty feelings the feelings that you just dont like her .  Keep praying  and all of us on this board with pray with you for her safety take care