Scared, Angry Confused on what to do...

[StrugglingMom76]

Currently my daughter is in patient at Havenwyck and they said Friday they are releasing her either today(Monday) or Tuesday. I spent all of Friday begging for help because I do not feel safe with her here in my home, not safe for myself or for my 7 year old autistic   little boy. I was on a conference call with the Social Worker on Friday and she has made ZERO improvement it was very clear yet they already had her release date all set. She has a unrealistic fantasy concept of a relationship with a boy she had only known a few days before going into the hospital this is her fourth "relationship" in 3 weeks. Each one we closed the door on, she wants to go anywhere other than here because she wants no rules. I cannot get her to understand nothing in life is free, she has no job, car or diploma, not even a state ID at this point. I am at such a cross roads I do not want her here with us because she has become unstable and abusive and this last incident pulling a knife just scares the hell out of me. She needs to be in a RTC not on the streets and not here. I am so scared if they release her tomorrow and I am forced to bring her here what will happen. And if I just let her go out the front door I dread the shell of a daughter I will get back on my front door step. She will be either used and abused, hooked on heavy drugs or in a body bag. Yet if she stays here we could end up in body bags. IT IS NOT FAIR .  At the end of the year I lost my job mainly because of excessive missed work due to multiple hospital stays and lack of sales due to my focus on helping her. It has gotten so bad I cannot even look for a job every other day I am calling the police, now I have heavy therapy to get her too if she comes home, court dates because I filed incorrigibility... .  I am losing it. My landlord has no sympathy because he thinks mental illness is a joke and filed for eviction for non-payment of rent on the 1st! I was not even late. The shoulders are crushing from all of this and so is my heart. I begged them to give us time CMH even begged the hospital for more time and they basically shrugged their shoulders and said they cannot garuntee they can keep her until Tuesday. We are scrambling trying to find a way to do this safely and I am just scared to death  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[opheliasmom]

StrugglingMom,  I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't begin to give you advise about this situation, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and your family.  As difficult as it would be, if she presents a clear and dangerous threat then for your own safety you may need to call law enforcement.  I hope that you and your d. remain safe and can find a plan.

[StrugglingMom76]

opheliasmom,

It is no longer hard for me to call law enforcement if she threatens I will not hesitate to call to protect myself and my son. It is just sad because I should have the right to feel safe in my own home yet they are only protecting her and it is frustrating as can be.

[lbjnltx]

Just wondering StrugglingMom,

Does your son have an advocate that you could contact?  Let them know he may be in danger both pysically and emotionally with your d in the home? 

Sometimes the angle that you tackle a problem from will lead to different resources or solutions.

Hoping!

[eac]

Havenwyck is the worst. We had plenty of experiences there.  There are nothing more than respite care for the family.  Take her out of Havenwyck and take her straight to U of M psych emergency and tell them she is a danger to herself and others.  U of M will at least help her get medicaid going so you have more resources.

[cfh]

Struggling

Call your local NAMI chapter and explain what is going on.  They may be able to get you an advocate, explain discharge laws, help you with find an RTC for your ds, put you in touch with the right people. 

Help you get through this.  They are a great resource.

So sorry that life has taken this turn.

[StrugglingMom76]

eac,


I agree Havenwyck is a joke but at least it was a safe place. I am a huge UofM hospital fan unless it comes to their youth inpatient program. It is a JOKE! The biggest mistake I ever made was taking her there first, she thinks it is a teen camp. I am sorry but any hospital that mixes boys and girls and lets them interact as UofM did is not focusing on the care of children like my daughter. She came home with a pocket full of phone numbers and new boyfriend prospects. I am looking at LONG term residental  care for her where then can get to  the bottom of her issue, differentiate between the truths and lies and help her learn how to change her behavior. So far she has learned nothing but new tricks to manipulate and it just scares the hell out of me.

[pessim-optimist]

StrugglingMom,

Maybe taking it one step at a time, and one problem at a time might be a solution for you?

Even if U of M is bad for your dd long-term, it might help solve your problem of not having her at home with you right now, while you look for better options?

It must be SO hard, trying to deal with all this at once!

Would the first priority be maybe just getting some "babysitting" for your daughter (U of M?)? While you are trying to deal with your personal situation (housing, job etc.) one problem at a time, and focusing on better options for your d when you and your son are safe?

[StrugglingMom76]

lbjnltx,

I am working closely with community mental health but have never hear of an advocate? Can you please tell me more? I am not sure how this works.

Thank You~

[StrugglingMom76]

cfh

Struggling

Call your local NAMI chapter and explain what is going on.  They may be able to get you an advocate, explain discharge laws, help you with find an RTC for your ds, put you in touch with the right people. 

Help you get through this.  They are a great resource.

So sorry that life has taken this turn.

I called our local NAMI several times to find out if they can do a hardship membership with no return calls. I have it on my list to call once again tomorrow. This is one thing I am having a hard time with no one seems to want to deal with this or return a phone call. I am so frustrated.

[StrugglingMom76]

pessim-optimist,

I am having issues with what seems to me the hospitals are black-listing my daughter never any open beds days of waiting. UofM has been full and will not be a holding facility they will not transfer from one short term hospital to another sadly I am going to have zero choice but to bring her home or refuse and be charged with neglect. I am in a very bad situation right now. I have one piece of good news that it looks like OLHSA is going to try and help me with my house payments atleast for a brief period of time. If this works I can at least breath and try and focus on my daughter and getting things settled. There is no way I could take a job right now especially with the likely hood she will be home, I cannot leave her home alone  It is just a very very very confusing tough situation. I love the fact of all of the support here and I really appreciate it I hope I do not come off as if I am not listening. I have been dedicating ever business hour working on my options.

THANK YOU !

StrugglingMom,

Maybe taking it one step at a time, and one problem at a time might be a solution for you?

Even if U of M is bad for your dd long-term, it might help solve your problem of not having her at home with you right now, while you look for better options?

It must be SO hard, trying to deal with all this at once!

Would the first priority be maybe just getting some "babysitting" for your daughter (U of M?)? While you are trying to deal with your personal situation (housing, job etc.) one problem at a time, and focusing on better options for your d when you and your son are safe?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

lbjnltx,

I am working closely with community mental health but have never hear of an advocate? Can you please tell me more? I am not sure how this works.

Thank You~

An advocate could be a care coordinator through medicaid, the person who manages his therapies, medical appointments, special education requirements at school and parental education to support his needs in the home.  An advocate might also be a representative from an outside agency such as Autism Speaks.

[cfh]

Struggling

I'm sorry you have not heard back from NAMI, that's unusual.  Also they are a free organization with no set fees and they have many support groups.  I hope you are able to connect with them.  In my area they have a "Helpline" to call.

[pattyt]

I called our local NAMI several times to find out if they can do a hardship membership with no return calls. I have it on my list to call once again tomorrow. This is one thing I am having a hard time with no one seems to want to deal with this or return a phone call. I am so frustrated.

Call the NAMI state branch for your home state.  I had trouble connecting with my local NAMI organization and the state office got them to contact me immediately after that.

[StrugglingMom76]

**Update**

After trying for an entire day yesterday to get a hold of her social worker at Havenwyck (CMH was trying to as well) and then all this morning I finally got a call at 2pm with them telling me she was being discharged and I need to make arrangements to come and get her. I finally hit my breaking point I told them there was no way I could pick her up today my safety plan was to pick her up in the morning so that my son was safe at school and I could work through any issues when she first get's here, I have it listed the rules and expectations and community mental health already talked to her about them all and she has been calling and pestering me to change them already so I can already see the storm coming. trying hard to keep my sanity. They told me if I did not come and pick her up tonight they would call CPS and i would have neglect charges filed on me... .  I told them GO AHEAD! Well thank goodness he called back and said I could get her in the morning... .  so at least I will have until my son gets home from school to deal with whatever she throws at me. Why does it take me completely losing it to get ANY help I feel so helpless... .  

[heronbird]

Why wont they just work with us    

I remember when my dd was 16 she tried to jump off a carpark roof so they sectioned her for a month, when I spoke to the doctor I said I wanted her sectioned for 6 months and he agreed he would do it.

When we went for the meeting to do it, he didnt do it, he said he would trust her to stay in hospital. I said whay if she runs away, he said dont worry if she does they will find her then we will definitely section her for 6  months. I said thats if she isnt in a body bag.

They are not really caring for these people properly. She was in and out of hospital at least 13 times in a year, why didnt they keep her there and help her, thats what she needed.

I hope things get better for you soon and sort them selves out.

[peaceplease]

Strugglingmom,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  How terrible they were demanding that you pick your dd up tonight!  I really hope that you hear from NAMI.  Did you try the state branch as pattyt suggested?

There have been too many tragedies in this world already!  I sure hope they step it up with mental health care!

My heart goes out to you.   

peaceplease

[StrugglingMom76]

Update sorry this is short it is a pain to type on my phone. Wed morning rolled around and no word for help on transportation to pick her up. I ended up spending my last bit of money to get her.  I am so stressed and she acts like nothing has happened. Our incoragibility hearing was thursday and the petition was granted but funny she has a lawyer on her side I have no one so now off to pretrail take i am literally sick with stress. Thank you everyone for the emotional supporters

[lbjnltx]

Hello Strugglingmom,

So sorry that you are not getting the support you need. Ugh!

Can you educate me on the "incorragability ?

What's that about?  What are the possible outcome of this "hearing"?  Are there any benefits for her or your family possible?

lbj

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom... .  

Where is your family?  :)o you have friends or neighbors who can help with her until you can arrive at a plan?  

Ideally, for your safety and that of your son, your dd should not be in your home.  Period.  I agree, call the NAMI hotline or law enforcement.  :)oes she have a therapist?  If she is violent, SOMEONE needs to help you commit her to long-term inpatient care.  Threatening to charge you with neglect is a ridiculous cop-out on the part of the medical community.  Maybe you should let them... .  it may finally give you a voice as to what you are dealing with within the legal system.  You may want to get some free legal advice on what to do.

My heart bleeds for you.  You have enough going on without living in fear all the time.  I am so sorry.  

[StrugglingMom76]

Basically it is getting the law involved in the discipline process once you have exhausted every avenue for a defiant child. It has to be before they turn 17. I was able to get mine in just days before. I had no idea it was an option. I was granted to petition but she was given a lawyer (which my jobless self will have to pay for) and instead of pleading her out he set it up for pretrial. She was told by the court she needed to follow the rules and basically on a test run for probation until our hearing on the 27th. If you look you will see my new topic entry with my journaling over the last week. If something is not done I will LOSE it! Oh when this is done and if I win my case she will be on real probation with a probation officer and will have to follow the rules set forth by the court or go to jail!

Hello Strugglingmom,

So sorry that you are not getting the support you need. Ugh!

Can you educate me on the "incorragability ?

What's that about?  What are the possible outcome of this "hearing"?  Are there any benefits for her or your family possible?

lbj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Dear Strugglingmom... .  

Been there, done that.  One of the hardest things a parent will have to do ... .    other than burying a child.  When all else fails, we sometimes need an arbitrator with authority, and that is one way law enforcement can help.  Most have specially trained units to deal with the mentally ill.   

Even if DD ends up in jail... .  she is safe and she should be able to get the help she needs without the option to run away from it.

Hang in there!  You did the right thing.

   

[qcarolr]

Strugglingmom - such a place of pure terror, powerlessness. And though it feels that your D is controlling the situation, perhaps she is in terror and powerlessness too. Both of you so overwhelmed, blocked, stuck. When I get to this place I want to run away and start over somewhere else a new life. Or sit a cry all day.

Only 3 more days to your hearing. Do you have the strength and courage to let go of your D for these 3 days? To let her know that for these 3 days you will step back from being the enforcer. You love her, you are available for her if she chooses on her own to come home.

Can you stay away from the facebook entries? Can you let your D know you will not be replying to any texts unless it is for her to voluntarily be coming home? I know how hard and painful this is. How it feels like the totally opposite of what you 'should' be doing. Can you let the court or other authority know of this plan? You are not abandoning your child/adult. You are giving her some space to make her own decisions until the hearing.

Continue to keep a log of the communications you receive even if you are able to refrain from responding to them - unless she is willing to voluntarily some home.

Can you push your focus to your young son for these three days? By giving him love and comfort, this connection can bring you love a comfort.

Only you can decide what path to take, what you can tolerate. Please find a way to keep from totally losing your self in this - your D needs you to be strong in some new way for her. Your hypervigilant interaction seem not to be working as you attempt to control every interaction your D has with everyone she touches in her life.

Please keep coming to vent and share. Even if we do not know how to respond to your posts, we read them.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers - for guidance, strength courage and the ability to hear the guidance. Things can get better -- 17 is such a very very hard age. My BPDD is almost 27 - things are better for us. I have learned ways to keep a longer view that gets me through the harshest times. There is always hope, even in the most hopeless feeling days. HANG ON.

qcr  

[whiletheseasonspass]

qcarol- you have put my thoughts in better words than I could have come up with.  

Do you have the strength and courage to let go of your D for these 3 days? To let her know that for these 3 days you will step back from being the enforcer. You love her, you are available for her if she chooses on her own to come home.

Can you stay away from the facebook entries? Can you let your D know you will not be replying to any texts unless it is for her to voluntarily be coming home? I know how hard and painful this is. How it feels like the totally opposite of what you 'should' be doing. Can you let the court or other authority know of this plan? You are not abandoning your child/adult. You are giving her some space to make her own decisions until the hearing.

S.Mom,

I think qcarol hit the nail on the head with her very well thought out sentiments.  

I remember the struggles - the power struggles I had with my dd.  She never could  take no for an answer.  She wanted her WAY - and would go on for HOURS HOURS HOURS at a time- begging, "debating"-   , etc while losing sight even of what she even wanted.  She wanted really to have control and me to have none.  She was angrily indignant that I dare try to parent her.  What I did not know is that I was contributing to the power struggles.   What I know now- that I did not know then is astounding.  I think that by you letting go with love... .  letting your dd KNOW that you are relinquishing all decisions to her (in a loving way) - might help a great deal in the long run and maybe even presently.

You are getting no where staying in a power struggle with an unreasonable person-  and that is where I was.  The energy output ( How I remember - wow! ) could light up a baseball stadium... .  the energy of trying to get one's defiant child to do what they will never agree to do - while they battle you and more

At any rate- just my 2 cents.  I think that qcarol gave you some great advice and I am on her coat tails expressing my sentiments albeit perhaps not quiet as eloquently as she has- but I read your thread this a.m.- and had thought the same things.

This is not going to be easy- if you take this new route- but at least the fighting will end.  That end- might just be a new beginning of something better.  

 

wtsp

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

It has taken great courage on your part to get to this point, and you are to be commended for saying "enough is enough". Do NOT beat yourself up.  Sometimes love hurts.

Now, you need to back-off and let her deal with the consequences of her actions.  Some tough love at this point in time is a wake up call, and it is what she NEEDS to get better. 

I hope your DD embraces the opportunity to improve not only her life but the lives of everyone who cares about her health and safety.  And my prayers go out to you to stay strong. 

[StrugglingMom76]

I am sorry but I am not certain how anyone can think "just letting her go" is the right thing to do? She is clearly irrational, dangerous and  am going to end up with a child that is either raped, pregnant, on heavy drugs, dead or just plain missing.  No matter what choice I make I have lost control and I cannot take any of this anymore laying awake days at a time wondering where she has gone what strangers car she gets into this time. Last time at least one of the men she got in the truck with was a FELON.  Just let her go? That is basically telling me to let my kid die!

[qcarolr]

I am sorry but I am not certain how anyone can think "just letting her go" is the right thing to do? She is clearly irrational, dangerous and  am going to end up with a child that is either raped, pregnant, on heavy drugs, dead or just plain missing.  No matter what choice I make I have lost control and I cannot take any of this anymore laying awake days at a time wondering where she has gone what strangers car she gets into this time. Last time at least one of the men she got in the truck with was a FELON.  Just let her go? That is basically telling me to let my kid die!

strugglingmom -- It is so very hard, well even impossible, to hear this 'letting go' stuff when buried in that extreme fear of losing your beloved child. That someway, somehow you are the mom and it is up to you to save her from herself. This, for me, is not about 'tough love'. It is about unconditional love. It is about finding a way to detach with love from what is not working. And the reality that maybe you are not ready to hear this yet.

I breathe, breathe and cry. I am sitting here crying with you as it comes back to me.  There are no words to express the intensity of this distress. All the rational logical words disappear. All that is left for a moment are my tears - my despair for you and your D.

For my DD at 17 - she lived 6 months in bf's apt. and lied about going to school - got pregnant followed by abortion with me and bf in the waiting room (I made him go along - it was our family insurance that paid, DD's choice "I cannot keep this baby". Years later I discovered that she was using drugs and fearful of having a defective child - she told me when she had her 2nd abortion at age 20 just before dh and I pursued custody of our gd, age 1 at that time)

I have to get myself together for a bit. It is not 'just letting her go'. Please, please know that I care deeply about you and your D and for both of you to be safe and whole. I will be back.

qcr  

[StrugglingMom76]

Well she left today at three she sent me a message she is safe,... .  well she thinks she is safe when she gets in the car with 2 strangers... .  See let her go and I will be dealing with the same if not worse... .  I WANNA SCREAMMMMM

[MammaMia]

strugglingmom

I am not talking about you abandoning your DD.   I am talking about loving her enough to allow others (the legal system/social services, etc) to HELP her.   These people will keep you involved.

Returning her to the streets having made no progress would indeed be "letting her go".  

There is a huge difference.

[mggt]

Dear Struggling Mom. so sorry to hear of your daughter leaving I know only too well how helpless you must feel the worry, anger , disappointment ,pit in your stomach .  all that and much more   Hopefully she will keep on texting you so u know she is alive and well .  Dont beat yourself up you are trying everything to help her .  Our moods change so quickly when it comes to our children with BPD it is all too much.  The guilty feelings the feelings that you just dont like her .  Keep praying  and all of us on this board with pray with you for her safety take care

[StrugglingMom76]

That is the point NO ONE IS HELPING! They are just dragging their feet, shoving me off to the next person. By the time I get help it is giong to be to late. I am furious our system is a joke! So let her go and trust the proper people does not seem like a logical situation at this point !  

[qcarolr]

Srugglingmom -

Maybe you have hit it on target - there is no logical solution. Your D is going to do what she is going to do, and it feels very unsafe to you. It may feel very unsafe to her too. Sometimes, when we allow ourselves to take a step back, the other is able to see what they are doing to themselves. Don't know if this poem will help you. It sure helped me a few years ago when I just did not know what to do.



Letting Go

Letting go refers to giving up control of another person and allowing that person to experience the consequences of one's own actions. Letting go enhances all relationships.

Letting go does not mean to stop caring,

  it means not to take responsibility for someone else,

Letting go is not to cut myself off,

  it's the realization I can't control another.

Letting go is not to enable others,

  it's to allow learning from natural consequences.

Letting go is to admit my own powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

Letting go is not to try to change or blame another,

  it's to make the most of myself.

Letting go is not to care for,

  but to care about.

Letting go is not to fix,

  but to be supportive.

Letting go is not to judge,

  but to allow another to be a human being.

Letting go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

  but to be on the sidelines, cheering.

Letting go is not to be protective,

  it's to permit another to face reality.

Letting go is not to deny,

  but to accept.

Letting go is not to nag, scold or argue,

  but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

Letting go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

  but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

Letting go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,

  but to try to become what I dream I can be.

Letting go is not to regret the past,

  but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

anonymous

qcr  

[MammaMia]

qcarolr

I have seen that poem before but I have a question about it.

I am not sure a minor child fits the criteria.  Parents are responsible until age 18

under the law.  THAT is a complication.  It is not all about them ... .  it also involves a child

they are legally responsible for.

Strugglingmom is between a rock and a hard place.  I hope the hearing she talks about

will vividly depict the seriousness of the situation to the judge, forcing the court to focus

on getting better care for her DD.

[lbjnltx]

qcarolr

I have seen that poem before but I have a question about it.

I am not sure a minor child fits the criteria.  Parents are responsible until age 18

under the law.  THAT is a complication.  It is not all about them ... .  it also involves a child

they are legally responsible for.

Strugglingmom is between a rock and a hard place.  I hope the hearing she talks about

will vividly depict the seriousness of the situation to the judge, forcing the court to focus

on getting better care for her DD.

I see your point and also understand after many years of working towards solutions for my d that the poem does apply to all of us.  It isn't that we aren't held responsible under the law, it is that we can't control another person's thoughts, beliefs, feelings, desires, self image or attitude no matter their age.  The poem is about accepting that and focusing on what we can control ... .  ourselves, our thoughts, beliefs, feelings, desires, self image and attitude.

This is the basis of radical acceptance.

 

lbjnltx

[qcarolr]

It is hard to take, to believe, to hear, to do when the next best step is to find some way to calm ourselves as the parent. Only then, when our emotional center is managed (regulated) by our thinking center are we able to help our child in an effective way. Some call this 'wisemind', some call this 'detachment with love', - the need here is to accept that there is only so much anyone can do for someone else. The love and concern you feel so very strongly does not deminish with accepting the limits of you impact.

I fought this thinking/feeling balance rigorously when in my most distressed states with my DD, wondering how she would survive til the next day. In fact I still fight it on tough days. It does not feel 'natural'.

Tomorrow, let her lawyer know she will not follow the rules or whoever in that system needs to know this. Even if they send you to the next call. The more calm you can try and be, the better they will be able to hear what you have to say.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

When you call the court people tomorrow to let them know of all the drama over the weekend, remember that our children portray us to others as controlling, abusive parents, be sure they can see that you are not.  They  need to see a calm, reasonable, rational person to deal with. I hope you can get some sleep tonight and that you hear from your D that she had a good night as well.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr  

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

Thinking of you today.  May the Good Lord be with you and your DD.

[cfh]

strugglingmom

I am so sorry for all the distress and fear you are feeling. If the courts/law enforcement do get involved make sure they hear all the facts from you as qcarol said. They really do respond to parents who are trying to get help for their children.

My ds is in jail now for 3 months and has another 3 to go.  We did not bail him out because he is actually safer in jail than on the streets. For the first time in years I can sleep at night because I know where he is... .  strange but true.

We also made sure that the judge knew he was mentally ill and that we were very involved in getting him the help he needed.

I used to be terrified of him going to jail. Now I realize that it is the best place for him. He may not be alive today if he had not been arrested.  In our case the court has mandated that he go into a 12-18 month residential drug rehab.

It is a no frills program that is basically free to all.  He will pay for it with his SSD check.

 

Sometimes probation or even jail can save a person's life.

I just finished reading a book that had a great quote.

"On the Richter scale of worry, child-worry peaks at 10.  Money noses in at 5 or 6.  Health zooms up and down depending... .  "

We are all thinking of you and hoping you can find some peace.

[StrugglingMom76]

Well she is still gone but was notified she was seen about 5:30 at the library with a known drug addict and was high as a kite  and being shuffled off to another man  *crying*

[qcarolr]

Struggling - are there others that are in contact with your D that can testify at the hearing on Wednesday - so they act immediately to provide a safe place for your D? My heart is with you - I cannot even imagine the distress you are in. Who is there for you - friend, family, pastor, counselor?

Thanks for updating us - keep coming back. We care.   

qcr  

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

Good luck today.  We are all thinking of you.

[StrugglingMom76]

Dd Is now sitting in the county jail after a salty me in the juvenile court building today. She shoved me into a doorway as she tried to rush out of the court building. She was chase down by your attorney in the district attorney and calm down and return for her hearing. Thankfully the incorrigibility was granted and she now has a probation officer as  is on probation.  I ended up having to pick her up last night from the county police after the guys that she was hanging out with dumped her at a gas station after they realize the police will be looking for her there after her hearing today. They literally drove up to the gas station told her to go inside to get a drink threw her backpack out of the car and took off an abandoned her there. She first called me angry and upset because I have ruined her place to livein but then called back begging for me to pick her up because they threw out like a piece of trash. The men had kept all of her items and I told her that I wouldn't pick her up that she needed to call the police and have them take her there to get her items and then I could meet them to get her. So I picked up a strung out worn out balling daughter. But I was just thankful to have her laying in bed next to me Knowing she was safe and knowing she would be there for her court hearing.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi StrugglingMom,

Thank you for sharing with us! So sad,    , but it looks like your dd is now at least safe and maybe things are going to calm down a bit and you and your son are safe too.

I cannot even imagine how hard it must be for you, though... .  Thinking of you.   

[qcarolr]

Strugglingmom -   

So much sadness, yet your D showed herself today so perhaps she can get the help she so needs. Is there some relief for you, that maybe the authorities are there to back you up in keeping you D safer? May I ask what the court tomorrow is to decide?

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers --

qcr  

[StrugglingMom76]

Just reread my post how embarrassing I am using the speak to text and that message did not make sense in many areas I apologize. I no longer have internet access because it was shut off because I can't afford to pay for it.

[StrugglingMom76]

My DD will be on probation which depending on her cooperation could last until the age of 19 years old. She will have to drug test at least 2 * per week she will be on intense probation which right now I am Not sure what all that entails until we talk to her probation officer as of the end of the pre trial she was not assigned her probation officer as of yet. She did please guilty so the incorrigibility was granted. In light of the defiance activities over the last 2 weeks her attorney advised it would be in her best interest to plead guilty rather than trying to go to trial. The main reason she was arrested was because she actually lied to the officer after he spoke to witness she tried to say that I put my hands on her first and she was just trying to defend herself we are in reality she came up from behind me and shoved me and I had no idea she was even coming. Just minutes before being arrested the officer had told me there was really nothing he could do because she pushed me out of the way in order to leave the room.  But because she lied and also tried to say that I Beat her and abuse her inif order to try to get out of her punishment and hold responsibility he quickly arrested her thank goodness someone finally backed to me up !

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

DD will be safe in jail.  :)o not worry about her.  This is just the first step in getting the help she needs and the peace you and your son deserve.   The judge will consider all the facts and do his/her best to help both of you.  The support you need to deal with DD is long overdue, but you are no longer alone.

Get some rest... .  you have had a hard day.  Tomorrow is a new day, and with it comes hope.

[qcarolr]

thank goodness someone finally backed to me up !

qcr  

[StrugglingMom76]

**Update** Dd17 still in jail. I had a call from the pre trail interviewer and she thought she needed to have a bond if she gets a court date. She lied and told her that she thought she was pregnant, she also said she wanted to be released to some man she does not even know his last name or address. All I could do all day was pray the magistrate would agree knowing she would not be able to bond herself out and I certainly was not going to. So I went off to try and pay a little towards a few bills and was very angry to find out the few hours she actually stayed home and did not run away she ordered both the playboy channel and anime channel without consent. I am broke I have not worked in two months and am losing everything and I have to pay for services that brat orders *UGH* Then about 5:30 I get a call from her lawyer. She is being released tomorrow they have decided not to proceed with the charges. Nice she assaults me and I am the one who has to court her across the street to juvenile court. The good note and I am using the term "good" loosely is they are not making me take her home right now. She is going back to the connection youth crisis center. I know there is no way that she will follow the rules and hate to know she is going to have access to more bad influences but there is just nothing I can do anymore  They are forcing me to enroll her back in public school which is a huge mistake she uses school as a way to connect with other drug users and outcasts and they runs away with them. Here we go another roller coaster ride. My stomach turns if I even think about it. So guess what I am not going to!

[qcarolr]

So sorry this is going on and on.  :'(

Are you able to just not go to court - not bring her back to your house - let them cope with her a bit? I am not familiar with your laws about this - is she an adult or juvenile?

qcr  

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

So sorry to hear DD17 is being released.  They dropped the assault charge but not the drug charge, right?  So, that is still going to trial, and she will be on supervised probation until then? 

When will she turn 18?

[StrugglingMom76]

There are no charges being filed, she was not caught in possession of drugs so they never brought charges on her . They released her at 9am and she is now on the run missing. And it looks like the court is not going to do anything until Monday so I have no clue where she is, she has no clothing, no coat I am so upset.

[qcarolr]

strugglingmom

It feels so hard to sort out the responsibilities in your situation. Since she is considered incorribible, does this give court the responsibility for her safety? It is so very hard to accept that our vulnerable child is out of our control, and there are such scary risks that she is choosing to take. I hope the others she connects with see her vulnerable state and contact the police or walk away from her. Feels so extreme - she sounds like a survivor - the discomfort of all this is on her shoulders this weekend.

You told her to contact the police for assitance last time. Are you able to do this again if she contacts you? To put the responsiblity for her choices to runaway 100% on her?

When I have been in this place, and so distressed I could nearly not function at all for the others needing me, I had to distract myself. Are there ways you can do this for yourself for the weekend?

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr  

[Being Mindful]

stugglingmom,

Qc has some good ideas 

One of the times my d. was on the run, we rented a bunch of movies. We weren't up for going out, seemed terrible to try and think of doing something fun when there was so much turmoil and frightenting stuff. The best was to try and keep our minds occupied.

Being Mindful

[lbjnltx]

Does she have her cell phone?

If not, she will come back home for it... .  she's a teenager!

[whiletheseasonspass]

I don't know if this will be the answer but it is worth a try. It just came to me to try this- but If you live in the U.S. call 211- they might be able to either help you or give you the names of people/ agencies that some of us never heard of-  who can direct you to what you might be able to do. 

They are excellent - and knowledgeable - and again if 211 can't help- they can direct you.  Only thing is that today is Friday - but take down all of the names and information they give you.   If you live close to the west coast- it would be only 12:30 there but if you see this and live closer to the east coast you still have an hour.   I think 211 is a 24/7 service- but the only issue is that if they give you names or agencies of anyone you can call- you have the wait until the weekend factor is over. 

But I certainly have called 211- and got some names - and it was useful in our situation... .  although we have had SO MANY situations I can't remember which situation I called about.  Only remember thinking WOW- they gave me three different phone numbers to call and one of the numbers was the jackpot for that situation at that time.

[StrugglingMom76]

Hi everyone it is 7:49 pm here and no word at all from her no activity on her facebook no texts no calls no fricking idea where she is at this time. Not a clue   I just do not understand how they would let someone on probation just walk out the door not making sure they are going to an authorized place. The court has been treating me like a second class citizen and I am so frustrated.  There is nothing I can do, if she contacts me because she is dumped off I will do the same have her call the police it is her responsibility to find her way here at this point. By monday there will be a pick up order in effect which is much like a warrant I am considering sending a message to each person on her facebook (there are only 13 people) and let them know that I will be sending the police to look for her one person at a time when the times comes. Just not sure that is the best idea?

[Being Mindful]

strugglingmom,

There is something you can do... .   What can you do to help yourself and your son. Your daughter has made decisions that she will need to face the consequences to. You have tried, and tried. The court system has failed. You are tired and worn out. I can hear it in every post. Please take care of yourself.

Being Mindful

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

Are you sure DD is not at the Youth Crisis Center?   You said that was where she was to go since she could not come home.  Did someone pick her up?  I doubt she would be allowed to just "walk out" alone, given the circumstances.

Did the police give you any information on her besides the fact she was released?

[StrugglingMom76]

I try to keep my mind off of things cooked my son 7 and I a nice dinner we had home made fries as an appetizer for dinner marinated baked pork chops, steamed carrots, Italian rice, a baked cream cheesed filled peppers and ended it with apple raisin crisp. But now my mind is racing wondering where she is and if she is safe it is so cold and she has no coat no ID  

[StrugglingMom76]

Someone listened tonight.  Even though the police have grown more angry each time I try to file a police report I decided tonight I would tke my chances and call one more time. I was surpised to see two cars and three police officers in my drive. The luitenant even came this time. They actually took a missing person report and seemed genuinely worried too. Once particular officer has really show empathy and he was 9on duty tonight. I pray they can find her  

[mggt]

Dear struggling mom,  thank god someone has heard your voice .  We all pray for you and remember you have done everything you can.  I pray for your daughter and you.  Take solice and knowing people are there for you.   If only we lived next door we could really help you

[MammaMia]

Dear Strugglingmom

I hope you have had some word on your DD.  

May the Good Lord watch over you both.   Thinking of you and praying for her safe return.

[StrugglingMom76]

Not a single word no activity on her facebook nothing

[fakename]

Struggling mom.

You are doing so much and trying so hard it really is miraculous.

You are such an incredible woman.

Please remember to take care of yourself. Your son needs you to do that and everyone on these boards hopes for you to do that.

[cfh]

struggling

My ds29 has disappeared many times... .  and he was 1500 miles away so I get the terror you are feeling.

I also have another nonBPDds28 who got "ignored" every time there was a catastrophe or crisis with my ds.

I really did not realize at the time how much my nonds was being affected by this.

I know you are terrified about your dd but your ds needs to know that he doesn't take a back seat to dd.

We don't mean to do it but the squeaky wheel gets all the attention. 

It's so hard to address both our kids needs (which are so different).

I don't usually pray... .  but I will pray for you and your dd and ds. 

I know you are scared.

[twojaybirds]

Be gentle to yourself for doing all you have done

Be kind to your son.

My prayers are with you

[somuchlove]

It has been a long time ago when my dd would not communciate with us.  At the time cell phones were not really being used ( Oh my I sound OLD )  But it was so hard as I had no idea how or where to find her.  Now I know where to find my dd but she won't answer her phone or message me which makes it very difficult as well.

The time just seems to be so long and everything else just doesn't matter.  Know you are in my thoughts.  I will keep a watchful eye on your posts. 

 

[MammaMia]

Strugglingmom

We are worried about you... .  are you ok?

[mggt]

Has anyone heard from struggling mom very worried hope she is ok and well