I have a 32 year old daughter with BP

[SCM]

I have a 32 year old daughter with BPD. She was visiting me with husband and 3 children for about 3 weeks and is taking me months to recover from the verbal abuse, brutal attacks, manipulation, disrespect for my house and my belongings, etc. I don't know if her husband realizes what goes on. He doesn't say a word even when he is an eyewitness to the abusive behavior towards me. She has not called or written to apologize and many times I feel like detaching from her. My son has already detached from her. It's a horrible situation and behavior. I miss my grandchildren and feel so sorry for them.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Dear SCM,

I am so glad you are here. We all understand. The attacks and verbal abuse is really tough and difficult to deal with and heal from. I've worked really hard at it as I too suffered both with verbal and physical abuse. I just want you to know that you are not alone. We are here to help and support you. It is a safe place to vent too.

How are you taking care of yourself? Have you considered getting a therapist? That helped me tremendously.

Please keep posting and sharing your story.

Being Mindful

[mggt]

Dear SCM. So sorry to hear about your d and visit .  Maybe you could reach out to her husband and find out what is going on at their home?  If you feel comfortable with that.  Do you have someone to talk to ?  I sure understand all your anger and sadness .  BPD is a terrible disease take time to care for yourself and dont feel guilty. 

[jellibeans]

SCM

What a terrible visit... .  no one deserves to be treated that way... .  when my d rages at me I think tell myself it is the disorder talking and she is sick... .  have you read any of the articles on how to interact with a BPD? That has helped me a lot... .  defusing the argument and stopping the abuse. Sometime realizing there is no stopping it but you can walk away and let her calm down.

Your son-in-law is probably afraid to say anything... .  he probably had his fair share of abuse. It is not his job to control your daughter. It is a shame she doesn't at least realize it later that she was unkind. Maybe 3 weeks was too long of a visit. Maybe you could have the grandkids come on their own?

I think it is important for you to get support... .  maybe some counseling... .  I am sure you feel like you have been doing this for a long time but try maybe re-reading some books like Valerie Porr's book... .  I am sorry your visit was so abusive... .  

[peaceplease]

SCM,

I am sorry that you are still hurting from the abuse from your dd.  I know that it is hard when you are verbally attacked.  I know the sting!  My uBPDd, age 28, has saic some cruel things to me.   It really helps to try to recall not to take it personally.

Some therapy for you would be great, if it's possible.  I think everyone that has a pwBPD can benefit from T.   Many of us here have been in T for our relationship with pwBPD.  Meanwhile, this board is a great support.

 

peaceplease

[vivekananda]

Welcome to our board SCM  

I have a dd (dear daughter) also 32. It is so hurtful to be treated so disrespectfully while others stand by and see it all and do nothing. I know how you feel, it used to hurt me for so long. Since those bad old days, I have learnt much and one thing is sure, there is hope. Fortunately for us, my dd has no husband or children.

Here we learn the tools and concepts that help us develop better relationships with our loved ones with BPD, and our relationships in general. One very important tool I think you would benefit from is values based boundary setting. I have included a link for you to an article about it:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

There is much that can be learnt from the information on this site. But the best support is to be gained here on the parent's board where you are now, please post and stay in touch. We are a safe place here.

Does your dd and family live far away? Do you have a husband to support you?

Vivek     

[Hilge]

Dear SCM,

Welcome to this site; I hope you'll get help here as I did a while back! There are many people here in your kind of situation.

I  have a daughter with BPD a little older than yours, she has a child. We had an especially bad breakup before Christmas that still hasn't totally been resolved. Until that I believed that she was just a difficult person but at that time I realized that something was badly wrong. As a result her rage, my grandchild ran away and she blamed me for it even I was 200 km away. I found this site and got some peace of mind and comfort at the time when I was running around in circles and didn't know what to do. I got lots of angry and blaming emails afterwards but managed to send only brief, neutral replies. Eventually she stopped answering to my mails but suddenly a couple of weeks ago asked, by email, for a sizeable amount of money for a specific purpose.

I wish you peace of mind and comfort!

Hilge

[Hilge]

P.S. It's difficult to try to keep in touch with people around a person with BPD as they are very good at policing that nothing happens behind there backs. And if it does happen, there's a high price to pay... .  Courage!

[vivekananda]

Hi SCM,

I hope you are finding your way around the place here   it can be confusing at the start. Tell us some more about how you are managing, ok?

Hilge, how is it for you? what are you going to do about the request for money? It can be a fine line between enabling and supporting. Our adult children with BPD will always talk to us when they want money  and that can make it so hard for us... .  

cheers,

Vivek    

[somuchlove]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  You will find much help here.  These people not only have a wealth of  information and guidance but have lived through a lot of it so the do understand.

I have a dd 38 that has 3 children.  We live quite a distance apart.  What I have found has helped me and I still need lots of help and support is I have and still do go talk to a counselor.  I have read a lot and listened to everything I can get my hands on.  It is very overwhelming but it is beginning to make more sense to me.  Knowing and understanding what our BPD person is going through helps us not take it personally but it doesn't take away the hurt and saddness.  However, learning to try and communicate is tough but is working.  I hope.

[SCM]

I'm sending my ddBPD emails now for we live a great distance apart and she's not replying to them. She's now ignoring me and it's so hurtful for I want to know about their lives, especially about my grandchildren (3) of which the oldest (14) has undergone spinal surgery recently and I would like to have an update on her condition. I keep praying and asking the Lord to heal my dd and to strengthen her husband who must be having a rough time just by the fact of living with someone who is mentally ill.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Dear SCM   ,

It is so hurtful when our intentions are kind, to be ignored by those we love. My dd32 is an expert at no contact too. She doesn't reply to my texts either.

Did you call the hospital to ask about your gd?

I have learnt to keep my communication to a minimal with my dd. It is easy to be misunderstood and to say something which can cause a pwBPD distress. Most importantly though, I have changed the way I communicate with my dd, so that at least I do now have some sort of a relationship with her and there is hope for it to improve, before though our relationship was deeply disturbing and was in danger of heading to total disconnection. This would have been not good for her and not good for me and my dh.

Have you read anything that has helped you understand BPD? I have been where you are now and have learnt much that has helped me, is there any way I can help you now?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[SCM]

Thank you for your comforting words. My son in law gave me an update on the outcome of my grand daughter's surgery but I haven't heard much about it from my BPD daughter. What I've read about this horrible mental illness is what I can get hold of through the internet, mainly articles published by the Mayo Clinic and other respectable sources. My daughter fits the description in all of them. What's amazing is that she has a very demanding/highly paid job and if she would treat her boss the way she treats me she would be out of that job in a second.   

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, SCM   and     

I totally understand what you are going through with your daughter; I have an adult son (36) diagnosed with BPD, and another son with BPD traits due to his undiagnosed BPD wife (at least I'm quite sure that she is). The silent treatment is almost as bad as the rages, and sometimes worse! At least when/if they are raging, they are communicating in a certain, perverse way 

I can tell you what has helped me... . The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger was such an eye-opener for me, that it really basically changed the way I communicate with every family member I have with BPD, as well as the rest of the world... . These changes I made in myself caused a new reaction in the people I've dealt with, and made things better. "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary & Joy Lundberg was also a wonderful book. On this site are many Workshops, Articles and Videos that are extremely helpful in learning how to make things better. If you go to the BOARDS tab in the horizontal blue bar above your first post on this thread and click on it, you will get the page with all the Main Boards on it. Scroll towards the bottom, and you will find The Learning Center; there you will find the links to the Workshops, Articles and Book Reviews that can help you.

Here are a few links to get you started:

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Please keep reading, posting, and exploring this site... . You can't change your daughter or your son-in-law, but you can change how you communicate and deal with them. And sometimes, that can make all the difference. There is light at the end of the tunnel, SCM   

[SCM]

Thanks Rapt Reader.

I'll check those articles and The Learning Center. I have to get proficient on this subject before October which is when I'll be seeing my dd, a visit which I'm already dreading.

[vivekananda]

Hi SCM,

Sorry I haven't responded earlier. I am operating only with one eye at the moment and have to limit my time here ... . this is what I look like today 

You ask how can you not totally disconnect with your dd. You are on the right track. That which was so helpful for me was

1) read ask much as I could about BPD and about the tools that help us: values based boundaries and validation and understand that there are many levels of understanding the concepts and that learning is not completed when the book is closed.

2) I posted here amongst my friends. Asking questions, telling them my stories and listening to the feedback of others. I also posted on other people's threads, discussing their situation with them and learning more from the stories of others and their journeys.

The best book for me was Valerie Porr's "Overcoming BPD", she is a parent of a child who had BPD and she seems to understand how it is for us. I highly recommend it.

Cheers,

Vivek      

ps don't worry so much about the forthcoming visit - it is a great opportunity. Just work on preparing your self to give yourself the best chance to work on your relationship with your dd.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello SCM,   

I am so sorry you are going through this.   

I have had similar experiences in the past. My sd is also 32 also 3 grandkids.

I know, this time of your dd ignoring you hurts. On the other hand, it is a good opportunity for you to take some time for yourself, heal a bit from all the abuse, and also learn some skills that will make it easier for you to protect yourself in the future while keeping a better communication with your dd.

The above recommended books are great. The "Stop walking on eggshells" book is a kind of a starter book, great resource, also has a workbook that goes with it. Very similar is "The essential family guide to BPD" by the same author - she said - 'all I have learned since I wrote the stop walking on eggshells". I really liked "Loving someone with BPD" by Shari Manning (shorter than V. Porr's, but also lots of good practical info). And as a bookend to the Lundbergs' book on validation, I recommend "Boundaries" By H. Cloud & J. Townsend.

Let us know how you are doing,

PessiO

[vivekananda]

Hi SCM,

The reading will keep you busy for a while, but don't forget to keep in touch with us here. One of the easiest ways to learn is through posting.

Remember our first rule is to care for yourself. If you can have a therapist to help you through this until you get your feet on the ground, that can help. Also there may be 'carer' groups that meet locally, that are a great form of support. You would know about NAMI I suppose?

find your local NAMI

As you learn, you need to talk to others about what you are learning, that helps you understand. And it helps us all to learn too!

take care SCM,

Vivek      

[SCM]

Thanks for the advice, PessiO & Vivek . Yes I'm familiar with Nami but I do not live in the US, so I have to find the equivalent here. Thanks again for your concern and support.

[vivekananda]

silly me! I see the flag... . and of course I knew, just not thinking.

tara4BPD

Tara runs webinars for carers. Tara was started by Valerie Porr who wrote 'Overcoming BPD' our excellent introductory book for BPD. Maybe that can be a help... .

cheers,

Vivek    

[SCM]

I have just been told by my ddBPD that I'm not allowed to see my grandchildren because "they -herself, husband and children-are not available ". I'ts been a year that I don't see my grandchildren and in a month I will be in the area where they live since I'm attending a conference close by to their place. This is soo crazy and wicked. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back, in the front and sideways as well. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm dealing with a very sick individual but every time she does something like this is like I love her a little less till one day there will be no love left for her. What a horrible thought!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Oh, SCM   

I am so sorry you are going through this. We were cut off from our grandkids for a year and a half. It really hurt, we were concerned for them, and we were so so sad and very angry as well.

There's still a month ahead of you... .You can slowly get used to the idea you will probably not see them, but at the same time, who knows? Building it into an issue right now would probably make things worse. A simple acknowlegement like 'I'm sad I won't get to see you but I respect your situation' might go over better (hopefully - depending on where your dd is at mentally at the moment). I wouldn't count on it, but when the time comes for you to travel, there is a slight possibility that your dd will be in a different mindset and things might be ok-ish.

What helped us in the time we were cut off was to feel our feelings, and then to move on to investing our energies into learning more about BPD and effective communication techniques to have a better chance at success the next time around. The good news about pwBPD - especially girls (in my personal experience) they DO come back. So there's always opportunity for re-dos.

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm dealing with a very sick individual but every time she does something like this is like I love her a little less till one day there will be no love left for her. What a horrible thought!

Right now, I know it feels like that. No need to berate yourself for normal reactions and understandable feelings. Even feelings of hatred at times are natural. They pass though, and love stays. In the long run, do not worry, you will still love your daughter. In spite of the distance.   

[vivekananda]

I am so sorry it hurts so much. We have experienced years and years of pain (my dd is 32 too).

This is when we work on radical acceptance and remember of prayer "Give my strength to change what I can, to accept what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference between the two."

For us, the only thing we can change is ourselves and that's what helps us overcome BPD.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[SCM]

Thank you PO and Vivek  for your words of comfort. I doubt my dd will change her mind prior to my trip. She has suggested that I reroute my trip so I skip her town and she doesn't have to see me. And she sends these self incriminating messages with copy to her husband and teenage daughter. Her husband doesn't say a word. I feel as if her husband and children are kidnapped and brainwashed by my dd. Just crazy. Right now I'm hurting very much and can't think straight.

Thank you for your understanding.

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry, I can hear your pain... .   

Take your time, getting through these feelings takes time. Healing is a process. We are here to support you through it.

Please be gentle with yourself. What are you doing to make your day go by more pleasantly? Do you have activities that you like that can help you distract yourself from the pain when it is too much?

For me that is walks in the nature, soothing music, and physical activity. If I had one, I would go for a warm bathtub with some candles, music and pleasant fragrances.

What is helpful/soothing for you?

[SCM]

I'll try the warm bath now. It should relax me. I like to spend time with the Bible and hold on to the promises; that's quite soothing for me.

[vivekananda]

I like the Sermon on the Mount... .blessed are the meek... .

Vivek    

[SCM]

Yes, Vivek  I like it too: "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth", Mt 5:5.

I check my emails every day to see if I get word form my dd but find nothing. Keep waiting and praying.

[SCM]

Don't know what to do. It's a shame I'll be so close and wont be able to see any of them, particularly my grandchildren. Could this be a psychotic break that she's having?

[vivekananda]

From what I understand, psychosis means hallucinations and hearing voices. While I understand that psychosis is sometimes found in pwBPD, it is not necessarily a part of the illness. If she was psychotic, she would be obviously and unavoidably unwell to those around her.

It is more likely that she is feeling deeply hurt and in pain from the situation she is in and wants to avoid further pain. She has been probably looking to her childhood and her relationship with you. She has probably felt that you have never listened to her, that you ignored her needs when you should have been comforting her and caring for her. She probably feels that you are the cause of her hurt and distress and she wants to avoid that hurt for herself and for her children.

You have tried to do all sorts of things to reach out to your daughter in the past, and they haven't worked. You have had many, many years of doing the same things and the result is where you are now. I  don't want to be blunt, but if you wish to improve your relationship with your daughter, you need to look at those things that you can do, so you can be the sort of mother she needs/wants.

Have you done any of the reading that was suggested could help you understand your situation? Is there anything in that which you think could help you?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[pessim-optimist]

Don't know what to do. It's a shame I'll be so close and wont be able to see any of them, particularly my grandchildren. Could this be a psychotic break that she's having?

Yes, it is so sad... .   

I am not sure about the psychotic break - I am not a professional, but I think that those are short-lived with a pwBPD, IF they ever suffer from them. What is more likely IMHO, your dd has 'split' you into all bad for the time being (the pwBPD tends to see everything in black and white - no grey. So, if you are not all good, you are all bad).

What you can do, to change the dynamic of the relationship, is to stop reacting to her behaviors (if/when she contacts you), and as you learn more about BPD and learn some of the essential skills, you will be better able to be supportive of her (validating her experience), while remaining a positive, calm, and consistent force in her life; and at the same time protecting yourself with healthy boundaries.

Does that make sense?

Hope you have an ok weekend in spite of all that is happening... .

[SCM]

Vivek  and PO, yes it makes sense all you say. I have done some of the reading on BPD and -as you say- I agree that my dd is not seeing anything good in me now and probably that's why she doesn't want me to be close to her family. My dd has the same attitude towards her brother whom she has cut out of her life for about two years now. Quite sad. My son and I are "persona non grata" for now.

I keep reminding myself that the battle is the Lord's; He's an expert on healing mental illnesses and in soothing our hurts.

[vivekananda]

It helps to know that God is with us, but we need to take advantage of the opportunities he puts in our way. These boards here are a safe place to discuss our concerns and to engage in a dialogue with others in order to learn how we can improve our relationships with our children - even when they want no contact with us. As I see it, it is my responsibility to be the best mother I can, in case my dd wants me. To do that, I need to change the way I think and behave - because I wasn't the best a mother could be for her, until maybe now. Now I know what to do and that is to keep on learning, understanding and practising those things that help me do that.

I would like you to explore what the boards here can offer you and encourage you to join in the discussions that take place on our parent's boards too. The easiest way to learn is from each other. This is where we find hope.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[SCM]

My ddBPD has started to drink alcohol on a regular basis. I am so concerned for her health, her life and the progression of her disease. I am constantly on the verge of crying for I feel I can't reach her, I can't talk to her -she has stopped all communication with me and her only brother- and I'm afraid of the consequences her drinking will have on her 3 children and husband. She doesn't call me nor emails me, it is so sad.

[pessim-optimist]

It is so sad that your daughter is drinking... .You must feel so helpless in this situation when she doesn't talk to you... .:'(  It is possible that she is self-medicating, trying to soothe her pain with alcohol.

Hopefully her husband can be there for her and try to help her find help if she is open to it. PwBPD often struggle with addictions. The thing that seemed to help with some children of the people here was a dual diagnosis program (one that addressed not only the addiction, but also the underlying mental health issues). Is there such a program in the area where your daughter lives? Maybe you can focus your eforts on doing the research, so you can help in the future, if it is possible... .

[SCM]

Yes, is very sad that she is using alcohol to deal with her problems. Perhaps the fact that she didn't want me to visit her while I was recently in the area where she lives could be because of the addiction. I don't know. I don't know what to think any more and don't know if I'll be allowed to see my grandchildren again. This is how bad it is as of now.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, SCM... .

You may be right that your daughter's troubles with alcohol might have something to do with her refusing to see you when you were in her area; shame is a really debilitating emotion for people with BPD. And sometimes, they feel shame for things that we wouldn't even expect them to, so when there is a real reason for it there's a chance it could be debilitating for them.

I've recently read 2 books written by women who had BPD, and then finally got treatment for it and are in recovery--recovered enough, actually, to write very good books about their lives. These books really helped me understand my son's symptoms and behaviors better, and really gave me a lot to think about regarding his struggles. I think you would find them interesting, and possibly helpful in getting a handle on what she is feeling:

The Buddha & The Borderline by Kiera Van Gelder

Get Me Out of Here by Rachel Reiland

If you can only get/read one, then read the first one; both are very good, though. Also, you may have noticed that there are lots of links now to the right-hand side of this page. They are loaded with information that would be very helpful in dealing with all the pain and frustration and trauma you are feeling right now. I'm so sorry that your daughter is not willing to have a relationship with you, or let you see your grandchildren; it's a terrible cloud to be hanging over you day after day.

A really good start for you would be The Lessons link; there are ways we can feel better about what is happening, and there are tools to find them. One, as you already probably know, is Radical Acceptance for family members; this understanding has saved my sanity over and over again for months now. Please hang in there, SCM 

[SCM]

Thank you Rapt Reader. I have to do a lot of reading on the subject, need to know what this disease is about and will certainly try to get hold of the books you suggest. Thanks.

[Rapt Reader]

Thank you Rapt Reader. I have to do a lot of reading on the subject, need to know what this disease is about and will certainly try to get hold of the books you suggest. Thanks.

That's the spirit! I'm telling you honestly... .this way of communication really works; my dBPDson36 is a new man--it's like I sorta "freed him up" to become a better person by not pushing all his buttons. I don't exactly understand just how something as simple as validation and empathy can do that, but in a BPD mind, it does. And, the mother-child relationship is so strong that a positive change in that dynamic seems to alter the whole universe for them! Somehow... .I can't truly understand it totally (but ask my son; he'll tell you how being validated after 36 years of struggling with trying fit into a world that didn't understand him, is life-changing!). Please do read and learn, and ask any questions you may have... .We are here for you 24/7 to help... .

[SCM]

I have not heard from my ddBPD for about two months now. I was very close to her place while attending a conference this past month and made several attempts at having her change her mind and allow me to see her and my grandchildren but that didn't happen. Instead she told me to go somewhere else to take care of my needs. I had asked her if she could assist me on a very specific subject and she said NO. So this is where we are at now. I have emailed her since but I get no replies. I don't want to lose contact with her and I don't know how long will this last. She's not talking to her only brother either.

I was able to buy a couple of books on BPD so I have a lot to read now.

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry SCM that it happened that way... . 

Every person with BPD is unique, yet some of their behavior patterns are fairly predictable. When they are in the phase of pushing you away, seeing you as an enemy, painted all black, the best way it so give them some space and leave the door open for them to come back.

Chances are that your dd will reach out to you again, or you might try yourself in a while.

I cannot emphasize enough though, how important it is to educate yourself on the disorder... .If we don't change our approach to them, nothing in the dynamics of the relationship changes, and the old patterns will play themselves out over and over again.

It would be wonderful if they recognized their problem and went to therapy. Some will, some won't. Our relationship with them can't afford to be held hostage by them and their illness. We are the ones who can learn and change and hopefully contribute to the relationship getting more peaceful and stable. There are no guarantees, there's hope though.  

Let us know what you think about the books ok?

And when you are sad, we're here to listen. Also, feel welcome to ask questions along the way.

[SCM]

I heard from my ddBPD through an email, hooray! Can't believe it for I thought it was not going to happen any time soon. She said she is angry with me about "a conversation" she says I had with her child (now 15) which did not happen as she thinks it did. She said she's seeing a therapist and advises me to do the same. She is asking me not to contact them through mail, telephone or requesting to see my grandkids through skype. Lately when I have asked to talk through skype I got no reply from her nor her husband. The message was clear: get out of our lives!  She said she needs time and space. I emailed her back reassuring her of my love to her and her family -which I mentioned by name- and apologized for any inappropriate words or actions on my part that may have hurt her. In the meantime she posts photos of me and my husband-her father- on fb. What a horrible illness. I keep praying for a miracle of healing.

[pessim-optimist]

    I'd say that it's a tiny reaching out, a tiny step towards communicating on her part.

I would cautiously balance respecting her wishes, giving her space, and opening that door that lets her know it is safe to communicate.

My step-daughter was recently under pressure (by the other side of the family) to paint my h black again, after our relationship with her was getting much much better. She started escalating her behaviors, and was on a fast track towards a major blowup that would justify her cutting off communication again. We did not want that to happen, so we gave her a way out - she asked for a 1-2 mo break. We will reach out to her after the 2 months are up letting her know that we love her and are here for her when she feels like she wants to connect again. (It is possible that by that time she will re-write history and feel rejected by her dad, so we hope that the e-mail might help open the door again and let her know that dad loves her)

We have mixed feelings about it (probably similar to you) - happy that there was no drama, and sad that she is not able to stay connected... .but you are right - it is the nature of the illness. Understanding that helps make it less painful for us.

[Bugg4]

Change 32 to 29 and married to divorced and you have my daughter.

Her 3 siblings have detached themselves and her dad and I have reached break point.

[SCM]

I feel so sad today. My ddBPD has a hostile and defiant attitude towards me and God's law and it hurts me so much. I'm so afraid of her drinking alcohol apparently on a daily basis. She posts photos of her on fb and that's how I learn about this and it hurts me so much for I see her disease is taking the course of progression just as the books say. I feel like crying most of the time. I pray God will intervene in her life before it is too late.

[pessim-optimist]

Ohhh, hang in there SCM... . 

Prayer is good. We can't control the outcomes, sometimes our kids need to hit bottom first... .

[jellibeans]

The holidays tend to include drinks but hopefully after it passes she will regain some stability. I feel your pain. This will pass and there will be better days ahead

[SCM]

Thank you for your words of comfort.

I just wonder when will she contact me again. I miss my grandchildren but at least I can see the pics my ddBPD posts on fb. Is not the same as being around them but is something nevertheless. As much as I want her to write or call me I dread the content of the message, for her last email was full of threats and ultimatums. Oh, how I grieve over this child of mine.

[cbcrna1]

my dBPDd, 36 and I, her mom, have been NC for about 3 years now.  I have learned alot, read alot and gone to therapy with and without her.  I am better now, each day is better.  I pray someday to have a relationship with her.  I doubt that that will be possible in light of all I know about BPD now, I cannot tolerate an abusive relationship, she cannot tolerate any boundaries. So here we are.  My heart breaks for my daughter, at the same time it is probably better this way.  Wish I had something better to say, but it is my truth.

[SCM]

I know what you mean cbcrna1. My ddBPD is totally ignoring my emails as well as telephone calls. I don't know what to do -with the exception of prayer- or how to establish contact with her and her family for I don't get a response to my attempts to getting close to them. Sad and sorry is going this way.

[co.jo]

I used to think it would be a relief to not have the drama, the middle of the night phone calls with some emergency, the abuse, the requests for money. In fact, I feel like I am missing an arm.What I wouldn't give to come home to her cheerful voice on my answering machine - Hi Mom, it's hit_____. Just wanted to tell you... .

Well I have saved hundreds of dollars... . and she just posted that she has discovered her university plan covers eyeglasses, which is a discovery she wouldn't have made if she had called the Bank of Mom. But, those are the only bright sides in a sad picture. It is so painful, and I can't imagine if she had children I couldn't see.

[lever.]

I think the advice just to give some space when you are being painted black is good but so difficult.

Hello co-jo. Did you get any response to your validation letter? I have been wondering. I had one slightly hopeful e-mail and then another very angry one telling me not to make contact again. Can only wait now. I am surprised despite all the stress that I miss my daughter as much as the GC.

SCM,  prayer, meditation or whatever spiritual practice feels right for you is certainly a comfort.

l

[ibwalrus]

I know that " still feeling grief " from last visit. The monetary cost of a weekend visit is too much. I am finding damage around my home my D inflicted on our home. We need to bring an appliance repair person in.  Didn't discover this until after she left.  And, I feel shell shocked. Still processing what happened. She operates in the speed of a tornado! I usually have no idea of her agenda , until I am the cause of screwing it up ( in her opinion ). I am afraid to leave her alone with my belongings... . Oh my god. I need a nap.

[auntie32]

Hi,

I totally understand what you are going through ,as my only daughter has BPD and my Mother had it severely ,but passed years ago. My daughter is 26 years and I feel things are getting worse between us ,so can really empathise with you ,yes we love our children ,but must understand they have no control at that minute in time when they hurt us. Can I ask you what kind of Mother is she? Has she been diagnosed? Do you have friends to talk with, or a partner?

I feel finding the right therapy is one answer and another is to try and understand how she is feeling inside of her and let her come to you.

[SCM]

Hi auntie32,

In answer to your questions I believe my daughter is a good mother in terms of providing for her children and wanting the "best" for them. Yet because of her BPD she's depriving them from their right to a peaceful environment including their right to see the grandparents for she doesn't allow me to see them nor her in laws whom she doesn't get along with either. My dd -now 33- is a hard worker and makes good money and has a good husband who helps around the house and with the children but I don't know if he realizes what goes on in terms of her psychiatric disorder. My dd was diagnosed with the disorder at 17, in her senior year of high school when she got pregnant with her oldest, now 15.

It's been 17 months now that my ddpbd doesn't communicate with me, she doesn't respond to my emails or telephone calls and she stopped communicating with my son -her only brother-.

I am widowed and I'm not attending therapy at this time. Frankly I don't know how to restore a relationship with her.

[pessim-optimist]

Frankly I don't know how to restore a relationship with her.

Dear SCM, there are no guarantees. All you can do is keep reaching out here and there and keep the door open... .  

[jellibeans]

Dear SCM

Was there one argument or fight that caused this break? Or have you always been the target of her anger and blame?

Have you tried the letter that is mentioned in Valerie Porr's book? I know you have been on this board for a while so you might have tried that already. I think pessim-o has the right idea... . just keep looking for ways to interact with her. Sending a card on bday's, hoildays etc... . writing a little something inside that might melt her heart... .

[lever.]

Dear SCM  I am in a similar position at present. My DD is 33 and has 3 young children. Up until Christmas I was very involved with them and now she has broken off contact. She sent me an e-mail which was basically a character assassination. Reading this site and Valerie Porr's book helped me to see that a lot of this is projection and she is very unhappy.

Reading other people's posts has helped me to come to some level of peace with myself.

I wrote one letter on the lines suggested by Valerie Porr to let her know the door is open. I got a response but not a very positive one.

I have now backed off and will be following jellibeans advice- just very low level approaches to try to let her know she is loved.As other posters have said, there are no guarantees but its all we can do. Look after yourself, build up your own strength and just try to let your DD know that you will  always be there for her,

[SCM]

Yes jellibeans,  there was a trigger to this behavior of my dd cutting off all communication with me. When her oldest child (15) spent 2 months with me the summer of 2012 she asked me what was wrong with her mom. I made the huge mistake of replying her mom had a personality disorder and could not control her emotions. That was all I said and the child didn't ask for more. Well, as you may imagine, my gd told her mom and after that her mom -my ddBPD- started imagining that we had had a long and extensive conversation about her condition, which did not happen. These imaginings from my sick dd were followed by extremely mean behavior towards me which ended up in cutting off all communication with me and my son, her only brother. Both of us are "persona non grata" to her. It surprises me her attitude towards her brother for they used to be friends. Not any more.

PessiO I do reach out to her from time to time hoping it will give her an excuse to get back to me, but that hasn't happened.

Yes Lever, I have and will continue to let my dd know that she can count on me.

And, of course and above all I will continue to pray and pray and pray for a miracle to take place.

[jellibeans]

Dear SCM

I can see how your daughter would imagine all kinds of things and how easily they think the worst. Is you dd also ODD? My dd is and that makes her so stubborn and unforgiving.

What about the letter?  

[SCM]

Hi jellibeans, no my daughter does not have ODD. As a matter of fact she was a gentle, submissive child until her junior year of high school when I started noticing some changes in her behavior and then two years later she was diagnosed with BPD.

The letter is something I have to work on. I need to go back to V.Porr's book, read the guidelines and put it together.

[jellibeans]

Do you think something could have happened to her at the time? During jr high? Is there something she is hiding? because of shame? I know it is not always the case that there was some kind of trama but sometimes there is. I sent my dd16 a letter when she was in RTC and it really help us... . I can see my daughter distancing herself when she gets older too... . she is just waiting to get out of this hell hole... .

It is the nature of the beast I guess... . my dd16 is still a work in progress and I am running out of time.

[SCM]

I don't know if anything happened to her in junior high but she did get pregnant in senior high and had the baby after graduation. My son says she feels bad about her teenage pregnancy. I do not know how she really feels about it.

I'm also running out of time and patience.

[jellibeans]

That might be it... . my daughter carries a lot of shame with her... . did she give up the baby?

[SCM]

She did not give up the baby, she had it and the child is now 15 and so far does not have a personality disorder.