Daughter was arrested (part 2)

[Being Mindful]

Ray, If possible, research RTC's now and try to find the best one for your d. and not accept what is recommended if it doesn't meet her needs. You can lose valuable time and if your daughter is in a place that doesn't fit her needs, more harm than good can occur. Work it as hard and best as you can. Advocate for your d. and for the best fit for an RTC otherwise, everyone suffers and more losses, especially for her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Every day since she went to court gets more and more interesting.  Mother and I filed the complaint as a theft. I haven't even spoken to DD about it yet.  She has been late coming home ever single night. On the 17th, we have her on tape taking my mother's pocketbook out of her room. On the 18th, she came home with her tongue pierced.  And yesterday, she stayed over night at her friend's house without my consent. She text'd me at 11:30 PM when I was already asleep saying she was staying the night.

Tomorrow we meet with her probation officer. I have documented every event that has occurred since court and will be presenting to the officer.  I expect the ride home to be hell and just hope she doesn't grab the wheel of my car again.

[raytamtay3]

Yesterday was DD’s first scheduled meeting with her probation officer. Despite the snow, come hell or high water, I was determined to get her there. I received two calls from the probation officer saying the office was first closing at 3:00 so we needed to get there before than or reschedule. Said we’d be there before then. Than got a call at 12:00 saying they were closing between 1:00 and 1:15, I said we’ll be there before then.

After staying out all night Sunday night (texting my while I was asleep informing me of this), DD didn’t come home until 2:44 am Tuesday morning (police were called before than). Yesterday, the morning of her probation meeting! She was beyond hangover. Almost vomiting in the car. She looked bad. But I dragged her butt in there anyway. She said she wanted to get it all out of her system before being put on probation despite me telling her that her probation began on the 15th, which was her court date. She refused to believe this.

The probation officer asked if there have been any more incidents since her arrest and I proceeded to tell her about DD taking Xanax again and how my mother and I filed a complaint. This was the first DD learned of this. I wanted to tell her in front of the officer so that she could see what I deal with. DD began crying. Of course it broke my heart in to pieces. Since she couldn’t produce urine sample they swabbed her. What a horrible experience it was.

On the way to the car DD began cursing at me telling me she hopes I fall and die.  When we got home she fell asleep on the couch for most of the night and I thought I was in the clear as far as enduring her wrath. But nope.

Around 10:30 PM last night she sat up and asked how I could file charges on my own daughter. Said I’ve been trying to send her away for years. Asking what kind of mother does this to their child. I told her it wasn’t I who made her take Xanax from her grandmother AGAIN and the day we had court about the first incident. That her actions since court are a clear sign to me that she needs help. That’s she crying out for help and that I will do everything in my power to get her that help. I told her over and over that I love her while crying my eyes out.  Then I removed myself after she spit in my face and went to my room and locked the door. DH was in there shaving.  :)D kicked in the door. So I called the police.

They came out and calmed her down. I was hyper ventilating by this point hysterically crying. She also kicked in my mother’s door trying to get to the house phone. My DH wants me to file charges for that today as well.

I’m beside myself today. I came to work in bad weather just so I could get away from her. I didn’t want to be trapped in the house with her badgering me about dropping the charges.

She asked me to come to her room last night so she could talk to me. Told me I’m the cause for everything she does. That she cuts because of me. That everything is my fault. That I know her worst fear is being sent away to “one of those places” and how could I do that to my own daughter. I tried hard not to cry again but lost it. Telling her again that I’m doing what I need to do to protect her. That she needs help. She ended up telling me to get out of her room.

It had to be one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. My nerves are shot. I’m shaking like a leaf even as I type this.

DD keeps saying she has a chance to prove that she can be good. That now that she is on probation she has no choice. I told her again she’s been on probation and has broken every single thing on the list the judge ordered. Told her she’s had chance after chance after chance and she continues to do what she wants to do.

I can’t take this anymore.

DH began to lunge for her last night when she kicked in our bedroom door. She broke the frame and all. But he caught himself. He is calling the probation officer himself today to say something needs to be done now because he doesn’t know how much longer he can restrain himself.

My heart is shattered.

PS: probation officer is giving me the address for a support group in my area that is primarily for parents of kids like mine. It's not an Al anon on Nar-Anon type of place.

Oh and on top pf all this, last night my 27 year old niece who has been liviung at my parent's house since she was 12 and now with her 8 year old son, text'd me nion stop telling me I should have never dropped my mom off at the house because she has ebnough to worry about with my dad. I about lost it. She even went so far as to say I deserve what I'm getting from DD. My niece is bipolar... .

[swampped]

Dear Raytamtay:  Just wanted to let you know that you and your dd and your dh are in my thoughts and prayers.  Nobody should have to live with this terrible illness, and your courage in the face of so much pain is an inspiration.  I pray that you will get some relief soon, and that your dd's head will clear enough that she can start on the long road to healing.  Sounds like the mother of all extinction bursts right now.  Be strong.      Swampped

[raytamtay3]

Thank you swamped. I just want peace.

[MammaMia]

raytay

I am so very sorry.  You must be at the end of your rope... . with good reason.  I pray you are able to get your dd removed from your home.  That is the only way you will find peace.

As for your niece... . tell her to suck it up.  Stop the pity party.  Tell her you fear for your Mother's safety while dd is in the home.  The recent violent outburst will validate that.  I cannot believe the police did not take dd into custody when they had the chance.  In a show of solidarity, your dh could file charges as well.

I am very worried about you and your dh.  If her PO does not do something to help, I would go over her head to a supervisor and maybe even to the judge. 

You cannot do everything for everyone.  Stop feeling guilty about it and do what you have to do to protect yourself and your family. 

Please keep us posted.  Our prayers are with you.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, raytamtay3... . I'm agreeing with MammaMia that it's surprising that the Probation Officer just let your daughter go home and didn't intervene in some way (with custody or fast-tracking to that RTC). So, she is getting no punishment from the system for already violating probation? If that is the case, no wonder she doesn't realize that probation already started and she thinks that she still has time to "be good" and get out of some sort of RTC program or whatever.

You may even have to go over P.O.'s head, to a Supervisor or the Judge in the case, to find some sort of relief. With the violence and belligerence she is exhibiting, you and your husband need help now, not at a later date (when is that court date, anyway?). If the court date is just right around the corner, that could be why she didn't act yesterday; if it's many days away, then I don't understand. The police have records of all of your calls and their interventions, so the proof is available.

You guys need help; you need to talk to someone higher up if you have to, to get it... . I'll keep you in my prayers still, raytamtay3 

[raytamtay3]

We haven't received the papers for the new court date yet. But we had our first interaction with a female police officer last night and she said even she was going to call the courthouse (of course it's closed today due to inclement weather though - grrr) to push things along. She really took pity on me last night. I have a good feeling about her being around now. The other officers just have not been helpful to us at all.

I feel like there are always obsticles in our way. Like yesterday. I had my exh keep DS6 for an extra day so I could take DD to the probation meeting and avoid potential crises (which happened), only to have a blizzard and getting to the PO literally with 3 minutes to spare before they closed fish-tailing the ride there! Then we have a crises situation last night where police had to be called, again in the snow (12 inches)! Luckily one officer was right around the corner and got to us fast. DH wanted to personally talk to the PO today only to have their office closed due to the snow today as well! Is some higher power preventing this from happening? Geesh.

DH went into work today distraght. His boss told him to go home... . my poor DH.

[raytamtay3]

Without a shadow of a doubt, my DD14 needs help. It’s evident to you all just by reading what I’ve written lately. I know in my heart that I’m doing the right thing trying to get her court ordered placed at a RTC. But why is it still so difficult to do? :'(

Of course last night she came home on time and looked sober. She even talked to both my DH and me and was very pleasant to be around. She acted like nothing even happened the night before. 

Tonight she wants to go to the library to get some books since she has to be in by 7 during the week now.  I know this is an act. I’ve fallen for it a hundred times before. Every time I would let my guard down she’d do something horrendous. But it’s still hard. I want to believe that she is turning things around when she gets like this. And of course I want to believe that now that she feels she is on probation, even though it started on the 15th and not the 22 like she thinks, that this was her rock bottom and she truly wants to try now. But like I’ve mentioned, she has had chance after chance after chance for success and as of late, tops herself on inappropriate actions.

I heard back from her PO just now about this recent incident where she kicked in the doors. The PO said we have to file charges for it if we want to expedite things. Said that the sooner we get in front of a judge the better.  Said that she may have to go to a shelter before a RTC is found and that if she runs away from it, she will go directly to detention.

From this moment on I’m going to need tremendous support from you all to remind me that I am doing the right thing. I am so emotionally and physically drained. I love my DD so much. My goal is to get her help now before she is on her own so that she can learn the skills now to be a productive member of society.

Please help me through this. I haven’t prayed in so long and I’ve found myself praying lately for God to help me cope with this. I may even go to church. I need help. I need help to stop falling for these moments when she is being who I’ve always dreamed she could be. Compliant and nice.

This is truly killing me. Pressing charges against your child has to be one of the hardest things for a parent to do.  It's literly killing me. I've felt sick for a few days now.

[Rapt Reader]

This is really stressful for you, raytamtay3, and that is so understandable. What happens if you don't press charges regarding the door jam damage? She just stays home (when she's there), and waits for a court date that hasn't been set yet? Then gets admitted to a RTC when the court date is done, and a bed opens up for her? Do you trust that she will stay nice and friendly and compliant during this time? What were her consequences about the recent violence and damage she caused? Do you think she "learned her lesson" at this point?

If you are fearing that she is faking her new, compliant self, and that another episode of violence and damage is imminent, you do have the option of pressing those charges and taking care of her consequences now, not after another blow-up. Can you even handle another blow-up? Which would be harder, doing what the P.O. is recommending:

I heard back from her PO just now about this recent incident where she kicked in the doors. The PO said we have to file charges for it if we want to expedite things. Said that the sooner we get in front of a judge the better.  Said that she may have to go to a shelter before a RTC is found and that if she runs away from it, she will go directly to detention.

Or dealing with her ups and downs for now, anticipating and then having to deal with the next act of violence and defiance? Emotionally, this is becoming intolerable for you; she did what she recently did and you can legitimately have her face those consequences. That would be "real life" and doesn't make you a "bad Mom" or "bad person." If the professional advice is ripping the band-aid off quickly and getting the wound doctored up and healed ASAP, that is a very viable option.

Only you know what you are able to emotionally handle; each of your options are painful. Only one gets the healing done, sooner rather than later. How does your husband feel about all of this? Is he ready to follow the P.O.'s advice and support you if you do that? Having his support and backing will be integral to this, and having the P.O.'s support is also something you can use to help you be strong. And, yeah... . prayer and spiritual armor is also a plus. Invaluable, actually... . We do support you, raytamtay3, and will be here to listen and comfort you when you do what you end up believing you need to do 

[crazedncrazymom]

Awww I've been there.  I know how awful it is.  I remember sitting down with my dd's counselors and my dh.  They were all telling me it was time to make that decision.  I was adamant.  NO I said... I won't put my little girl there.  By the time we all left we had reached an agreement that the next time she went to an ER for any reason (other than something medical of course) that I would pursue rtf.  I went home and told my dd the outcome of the meeting.  I told her how much I loved her and knew she loved me and that she belonged home. 

Well... . that night she asked to go to the er.  After all that arguing and being proud of myself for standing up for my daughter.  She didn't even last a day. 

Only you can say what she really needs.  It's hard to do and it's hard to stick by it.  It broke my heart every day.  However, it gave me much needed respite from the constant every day fighting.  I took time to work on myself and learn the skills here at BPD Family.  I got to breathe and know that my dd wasn't going to fight with me all the time.  She's been home 5 months now.  It's so much better.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Hi Ray, Sending you hugs. We hear your despair. You are a strong and excellent mom and are doing what you need to do. Being Mindful

[DreamGirl]

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