Daughter was arrested (part 2)

[Rapt Reader]

I agree that having her sent to a dual RTC is what she needs, but even if I push for it, I simply do not have the money to send her there. Benefits only cover a portion.

I'm sorry to hear that... . I know that other parents with minor children were able to have their school systems kick some money in for such a thing, if they found a place that also had the child continue with their schooling within the program. Is there anything like that available to her? If you check out the IEP threads over on Lesson 5 to the right of the margin, you'll see what other parents did to make that work. Just an idea... . Maybe your school system can help with that? The Court? Attorney? I would definitely look into it, anyway... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crumblingdad]

sorry to hear that as well - our mental health system is a sad state of affairs that having the finances is the only way to get our children help they need. I was in same boat financially but luckily have a 401K retirement and ended up draining much of it to pay for our DD17's RTC in advance.  The RTC was very helpful with working with and getting my insurance to cover as an in-network provider and after 60 days in RTC it looks like they're well en route to getting all but about $3K of that back for me.  It took some work.

If I can offer any help with details on how I pulled it off feel free to PM me and I'll help however I can as I spent many months prior to doing it feeling as if there was no way I could afford the help she needed and wish I had all those months I felt hopeless back to have gotten her in there earlier.

[Being Mindful]

I was in the same boat trying to figure out how to pay for it... . between working with the RTC, our insurance, our school district and county services, we got it figured out and our out of pocket became manageable.

[raytamtay3]

Can you give me a general idea of the cost associated with a dual dx RTC?

[Being Mindful]

Hi ray, That is a tough question because they vary greatly. I also don't want to scare you about the fees. I encourage you to work to find funding to help with the cost. It is out there, but it does take persistence and work to tap into it. I would also encourage you to start researching facilities first. Find the best one for your daughter's circumstances, then attack finding ways to pay for it. You might only have one chance at an RTC so it is important to find the right one. My best advice is don't take no for an answer. Also, once you find the RTC, a good one will help you to find funding. At one point, I was in daily contact with our County Commissioner and another time with the head of our state Dept. of Human Services. I also became very close with our school district superintendent.

[raytamtay3]

The closest ones are in NY. Anyone know of any good ones there?

[crumblingdad]

Don't know any in NY off top of my head but... .

McLean in Boston (but she must be willing to go as they will only take her if she wants to for their Acute Residential Treatment program which is one of the best)

Newport Academy just opened a second location in Bethlehem, CT (not far from Danbury, CT on NY border)

Silver Hill has a treatment program - they are down near New Haven, CT outside NYC

those are the only 3 I know of that I'd make a recommendation to look into in the Northeast.  (I'm sure there are more but only 3 reputable ones I came across researching for our DD - you may want to look at facilities farther away)

Also a note - McLean - if you can get her accepted by your medical insurance does not require prepay for their 28 day ART program which is unusual for most of the RTC's.  We got ours accepted twice she just refused to go - once she was approved while she was in psych hospital and the second time she agreed we went to emerg room for psych eval and be sure she didn't need detox and she changed mind while stuck for 4 hours in ER

[raytamtay3]

We had court today and other than her being ordered today to go to an RTC, it couldn’t have gone better! For one, they reduced the charge of aggravated assault down to insubordination to an officer, which reduced the fine from $500 to $30 and she is being put on one year probation. Now this is the even better party.  The judge gave a listing of probation. She is to be home by 7:00 PM – 7:00 am Monday through Friday and by 9:00 PM – 7:00 am on the weekends.  In addition she is to participate in counseling services and homebound instruction or IEP recommendations, anger management, drug treatment and testing and lastly, to comply with house rules. And if she violates probation, the judge said she is going to be court ordered to a RTC through our case management services!    

Of course DD is livid. Says how she will not be home by 7:00 and that I’m in control of allowing her out past than because it would be me who would tip off her probation officer if she isn’t home by than. She said that her other friend’s parents (it’s always the other friend’s parents with her) let them still stay out and do things even when they were on probation. I said look I’m sorry. But I was sworn in and the judge looked me in the eyes and told me that I must follow through. That it’s a court order and I will not go to jail for anyone.

She cursed me out in the car. Pulled my hair (accidently) and shoulder bumped me (accidently).

Our lawyer took us aside and said how he didn’t even mention about RTC that the judge came up with that one on her own! I literally wanted to kiss the woman’s feet!  I hate to say it, but there is noo way DD will be able to follow this probation. I give it a week. I told her she is the one who is in control. If she chooses to break probation that is her choice and she is the one who made it and will have to face the consequence.

Before I left for work after dropping her and DH off at home, DD said she left her cell in my car. I knew she had brought it in because I saw it. She swore up and down she didn’t and screamed at me to let her in the car. I did. And she grabbed the pot bowl she hid in there before going into the court house.

Between the attorney fees and the court fees I only had to pay $300! Thank you God! And if she is court ordered to go to an RTC, the case management service we work with will pay for it. Of course I’m going to start researching them now in preparation.

One last thing. DD kept mentioning as we were waiting to be brought in would what happen if she got pregnant! Whenever my DD mentions things there is always a reason. I’m willing to bet money she is pg already. And if that’s the case, she will be going to a shelter because I’ve given her plenty opportunities to go on birth control, which she said she didn’t need because she wasn’t active, and I will not be raising her child.

Our caseworker was even surprised the judge is recommending out of home. The judge said to my daughter that she she is clearly out of control and if I cannot control her, by her following the rules, than she will go away to someplace that will.

[MammaMia]

raytay

HOORAY!  Someone finally is listening.  I pray your dd is NOT pregnant.  Can you get her to take a pregnancy test?  That would be the ultimate complication.

You are probably right that she is not capable of following her probation rules and will end up in RTC.

This is a positive.  The Court is putting her there not you.  The decision to comply or pay the consequences belongs to your dd.

I am so happy you are getting the help your family needs. 

[Kate4queen]

I think this is good news for both of you. (apart from the pregnancy thing)

Well done.

[raytamtay3]

 And just a 1/2 hour ago my mother was asking my DD to help her find her pain and anxiety meds because she couldn't, and they found them in my mom's room. (Not too happy with mother asking DD to help her find them when she knows the situation we are in, and we will have a talk tonight)! So now, knowing where my mom hid them, DD snuck in her room, grabbed them and tried to take them AGAIN! It is literally 3 hours since we left court.  She just now said she found them in the basement! My mom cannot even walk down to the basement. So looks like DD took some out of the bottle again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

I am sorry about the pills ray, but other than that: YAY and HOORAY!

Researching the RTCs is a great idea - your dd might be off to one before you know it... . Under different circumstances it would be odd - rejoicing about sending a child away to RTC - but in this case it might be a life-saver. 

It's wonderful that you don't have to worry about paying for it.

[raytamtay3]

I may have to pay for some of it. And if I'm willing to pay even more if it's a good place.

DD already broke the 7:00 curfew; came in at 10:49 PM just as I was calling the police. We have a meeting scheduled for a probation officer next week. I'm not sure if right now she is technically on probation until she sees one. Anyone know the answer to that? I had it documented by the dispacher that DD broke a probation curfew though.

When DD fell asleep last night I went through her purse. Found 16 Xanax at the bottom of it... .  The strange thing is she knows I go through her purse. I think I've even mentioned this before. Yet she's been leaving it out as opposed to putting it right in her room when she comes home like she use to. Now it COULD be because she's so wasted now she forgets, but I'm thinking it a clear sign that she is begging for help.

My anology with kids like ours is that they are possessed. That we see the demon come out in them but that they little girl inside is screaming for help.  :'(

This morning I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders (after the judge's ruling).  And I'm counting down the days when my little girl will finally get into a RTC and I can breath again... .

[raytamtay3]

PS: While going through DD's purse, I found tampons! Hooray!

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, raytamtay3

Well, it sounds like she is probably not pregnant; congratulations! 

Also, it sounds like she will be admitted to a RTC in the near future, and that is really great! You mentioned that you will be researching her options with that, and I think you are doing the right thing. I'm truly hoping that all of this stress and trauma will finally lead to her being in a RTC and finally getting the specialized help that she needs. Hang in there, raytamtay3... . Better days are ahead 

[raytamtay3]

Got my answer re: probation. She is formally on probation. Officer said she needs to violate more than on curfew rule but I am to document them. Don't need to call police unless she is out all night. Also was told to press charges for the xanax. Oh boy. All hell is gonna break lose. But she caused this. Time to get this girl some help!

[MammaMia]

raytay

This child is screaming defiance and challenging the Court and you in every way.  Her actions are so blatant, I wonder if she is not actually seeking help.  Twisted?  Yes, but if it works, who cares?

Stay strong.  You are doing exactly what you need to do to help your dBPDd and your family.

We will be here for you.  Keep us posted, and take care.

[raytamtay3]

MammaMia - My DD is beyond defiant.  She has conduct disorder diagnoses on top of the BPD "traits".

[MammaMia]

Raytay

Your dd's additional diagnoses really complicate her behavior.  I am sorry to hear this.

[raytamtay3]

There was almost another violation just now. Tutor came out, DD forgot she was coming and was trying to tell me to reschedule because she didn't do her homework. I said tell it to the judge. She eventually let her in after cursing me out.  It's nice to FINALLY have some control.

[raytamtay3]

Mom and I went to the police station last night to make a complaint against DD for the theft of her meds. As of right now I haven't told my DD that we know she stole them nor have I told her about pressing charges. Reason being is because I get my DS6 tonight while my ex attends a viewing (this is his custodial week), and I don't want DS exposed to what's sure to be a HUGE crises situation when she finds out we pressed charges. So I plan on telling her tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Oh and my SIL and niece came over yesterday to visit mom while I was at work. SIL left purse at our house and we have video footage of DD going though it, taking out her wallet, going to her room and then secretly putting it back... .  SIL said nothing was missing. But I wonder... .

Lastly, day two of curfew violation. She came home at 11:46 PM last night.  Well on our way to RTC for sure. I hope to God we get the same judge for the recent incident.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crumblingdad]

I think your DD is asking for RTC in her own way. 

She knows she's out of control and often our kids with BPD just aren't capable of asking for help so they seek it through means we without BPD find irrational and absolutely crazy. 

I've learned in the last few years that it's important to remember their reality is one of nothing but pain and misery where they are in a constant state of self-loathing for their actions, accompanied with guilt, shame, and anger. 

The idea she's doing all this due to her inability to communicate her true needs and is saying "help control me" through a message of "you can't control me - watch this defiance to prove it!" seems ridiculous - but my experience with our DD is it's often very much the truth behind the dance. 

Agree with you on doing your research on RTC's I know you said you're close to NY but I'd look hard at RTC's in area and even see if they'd consider sending her outside area -  finding ones you feel comfortable are a better fit for your daughter vs. leaving it to the courts or others will be a valuable tool.  My experience again with courts has been it's amazing how much they will listen to parents who are showing they are responsible and trying to help their children. 

[raytamtay3]

Shaking like a leaf. I just called lawyer and he is calling judge as I type!  So I might not have a chance to research RTCs. Something might go down today. This sucks. Reiterate it's what's best for DD.  Tell me I'm doing the right thing.  

Lawyer thinks there is a possibility she may go to detention today.  :'(

[Rapt Reader]

Do you know if it will be the same judge, the one you want?

Does "detention" mean an RTC? Hopefully a Dual Diagnosis Program?

Maybe they want to get this show on the road before she majorly self-destructs, or runs away? Or before she does something more dangerous, drug-related?

I do know that right before my son was admitted to his DDx Program, and after he was released from the hospital for suicidal ideation, they required him to be homebound under our strict supervision until the bed was available at the DDx Center. It was a way to make sure he was totally detoxed and around to be admitted to the Center. Maybe they are just being careful, knowing you cannot keep her in your sight at all times?

As far as researching--and I would want to do that, too!--maybe see if you can find out just where they have in mind for her to be admitted, and then see what you can find out about it right away... . Things are progressing like this for a reason that the Universe is guiding; hang in there, raytamtay3... . your little girl is going to get the help she needs  

[raytamtay3]

Do you know if it will be the same judge, the one you want?

Does "detention" mean an RTC? Hopefully a Dual Diagnosis Program?

Maybe they want to get this show on the road before she majorly self-destructs, or runs away? Or before she does something more dangerous, drug-related?

I do know that right before my son was admitted to his DDx Program, and after he was released from the hospital for suicidal ideation, they required him to be homebound under our strict supervision until the bed was available at the DDx Center. It was a way to make sure he was totally detoxed and around to be admitted to the Center. Maybe they are just being careful, knowing you cannot keep her in your sight at all times?

As far as researching--and I would want to do that, too!--maybe see if you can find out just where they have in mind for her to be admitted, and then see what you can find out about it right away... . Things are progressing like this for a reason that the Universe is guiding; hang in there, raytamtay3... . your little girl is going to get the help she needs  

Yes, lawyer is contact the judge we had this past Wednesday.

Sounds to me like they are going to put her in detention until the next court date because she cannot be supervised at home. We work. And then I'm hoping while she detained I can find a suitable RTC. DD said at court, not to the judge mind you, that she'd rather go to JUVI than an RTC. She thinks RTCs are mental wards. I tried to explain the difference. But she didn't believe me.

[Rapt Reader]

For you and your daughter's sake, I do hope it is the same Judge, the one you like and who knows your daughter's situation the best.

I suppose the Lawyer or someone will be contacting you and letting you know what is going on; is your daughter even at home and available for apprehending? When is the next court date, the one she'd be held until?

This has got to be very stressful for you... . Let us know what happens; I'll be praying for you, raytamtay3 

[crumblingdad]

They will likely put her in Juvenile Detention until a RTC is secured.  This is what happened to my DD when she took off and blew her court date off. 

I will warn you in advance - this probably will mean shackles and orange suits and it will shake you to the core.

They will have a hearing pretty quickly  is my guess and will want RTC determined quickly as detaining a juvenile still involves her rights etc.

BUT YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!

Some quick and easy suggestions since you mentioned  NY not being far from you or where you live - not sure if court orders will require a facility that only takes state referrals my guess is that might be the case.

Some places not that far from NY for you in a pinch:

-Newport Academy (expensive as hell but if you need a phone number PM me and I'll get you a name and number to call and you might be able to get them to negotiate a small discount - it'll still be expensive though) in Bethlehem, CT  - be surprised if any court order would cover funding for this program or a payment quick enough without Newport needing money out of pocket up front from you.

SilverHill outside of New Haven I've heard some good things about and perhaps could work something out there. 

Another possibility not TOO FAR from NY is Burncoat in Worcester, MA - my DD was there very briefly and they were pretty good, not tremendous but it was early on for us and I didn't even know what BPD was back then to say or ask for the proper things for her treatment and its a secure facility and dual Dx and takes most insurance.  www.communityhealthlink.org/htlmpages/yfs-bfc.html

Just throwing things out ther for you since time is moving FAST right now and I remember these anxious days in my not so distant past.

You are doing a tremendous job - stick to your guns and don't waiver on your commitment to RTC - everything you've said tells me this is an absolute need for your DD and your family right now and will help her get on the road to what she needs.  (don't expect anything positive out of her mouth or anything that's going to make you feel good from her about this as she will likely be feeling like a caged animal and will act accordingly.)

Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family for all of this as it's a difficult and tremendously emoional experience.

[raytamtay3]

As usual, more hoops to jump through. Because the theft charge is a 4th degree offense, they don't detain. However, lawyer told me to change the complaint to possession of a controlled substance with the intent to distribute to bring it to a 3rd degree offense which could. So I'm going to do that tomorrow after my ex comes to get our son because the first complaint has already been mailed out anyway.

[raytamtay3]

Thanks CD. Yes, unfortuently, I think RTC will be through our CMS in our county But I'm hoping that while she is there, I can look around for someplace better and request to have her transferred.

[raytamtay3]

We live in Gloucester County NJ