Beginnng stages of RTC take 3?

[raytamtay3]

Damn... . I never realized how long winded I am until joing this forum. But you all have been so invaluable to me in this process, I feel the need to keep going. I love you all. I sincerly do.  I even told my husband today if it werent for him and this forum, I honestly dont think I'd have the strength to have gotten this far. And I thank you for that.  In the next few weeks I'm going to need you all more than ever. I almost.caved tonight when.DD.called me.this evening crying about what she's been through and just wanting to come.home.  :'( This is soo hard.



Daughter was Arrested

Daughter was Arrested (Part 2)

Continuation of Daughter was Arrested

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Raytam

We will all be here when you need us.  You can count on us.  Take care.

[raytamtay3]

Thank you Mamma. She gave more details of the incident that occurred. Apparerntly now two guys were involved... . She asked why I told the judge she needed to stay. I told her I said it in an effort to protect her. She said she knows. I told her the incident was not her fault and that I'm sorry it happened to her. Told her how much I love her and that everything I've ever done was to try and protect her, i.e., curfews, wanting to know where she is, etc. She said.she knows. She was crying hard. It hurts me when she is hurting. And I so want to believe her. But its so hard when she has lied so much

[Being Mindful]

Hi Ray,

In your last post on the closed thread, you asked:

Thanks. I just hate that the judge asked for my input whether to keep her or release her him home. And for her to hear me say to keep her in custody because she is a threat to herself and others. Suppose it is true that she was assaulted? Am i going to make things worse?

Even if it is true, your daughter is ill and cannot keep herself safe or abide by the most simple rules. She needs you as her voice even though it is difficult and horrible to tell the judge to keep her. YOU Ray, are not making things worse, she is because she is so sick and needs the help that typical mothering/parenting does not cure.

Keep strong!

[MammaMia]

Raytam

When they found her, did your dd tell the police she was raped, and did they have her examined at a hospital to confirm it?  That is the usual procedure, I believe.  Might be something to check into.

My heart goes out to you.  It is good you spoke with her and she is aware that you were trying to protect her.  That is a big step.

Good luck at the hearing.  We will all be thinking of you.

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi raytam,

Your heartbreaking story has touched us all so much.  You and your husband have been through the wringer and we understand and support you both.  I am so looking forward to watching your family's recovery from such a tragic illness.  I have so much hope for you all.

I remember getting those calls from my dd crying and begging me to bring her home.  You are doing what's best for her.  She will come to see that someday and be grateful that you worked so hard to get help for her. 

Take some time and enjoy yourself today!  DD is taken care of and safe.

-crazed

[raytamtay3]

Thank you all so very much.  

[raytamtay3]

DD called me to tonight and she actually was accepting of the fact she is gonna be.away for a while. Another girl in detention is.in fkr 20 months for the same infraction. So DD said.she doubts she'll be getting oiut.tomorroe. She didnt make a fuss or anything.

[pessim-optimist]

She asked why I told the judge she needed to stay. I told her I said it in an effort to protect her. She said she knows. I told her the incident was not her fault and that I'm sorry it happened to her. Told her how much I love her and that everything I've ever done was to try and protect her, i.e., curfews, wanting to know where she is, etc. She said.she knows.

DD called me to tonight and she actually was accepting of the fact she is gonna be.away for a while. She didnt make a fuss or anything.

Raytam - I agree with Mammamia - your dd is starting to understand and accept (that is great progress!) even if she might be upset about it or hurting... . You are a loving mom.   

[raytamtay3]

Just got to work from the hearing.  :)D is being detained at the detention center pending the next hearing of February 25 during which time, she will undergo evalations (phyc and drug and alchol) and at the same time, CMO will give a listing of RTCs. At first I was neverous because the judge was different this time in that she wasn't as harsh as last time. I thought for sure she'd realize that DD was just there not even three weeks ago and would have been a little harder on her verbally. And that she wouldn't wait on evaluations to have her sent to an RTC.

Talked to DD's CM today who is still saying that if DD refuses to comply with the RTC services, they won't accept her? I still don't understand that.

DD was brought out shackled, as I was forwarned about. But she had on a gray hoodie and sweatpants. I'm guessing the facility provided these clothes. Our lawyer was whispering to her about her continued defiance with the kicking in the doors, throwing plates against walls, etc., at which point DD turned around to me and gave me a dirty look. Does she honestly think she would get away with that and I wouldn't tell him about it?

What really did DD in emotionally is when the lawyer said to the judge that DD claims to have been assaulted and that if she had followed the curfew and been home under my care like she was suppose to, that it probably would have never happened. DD told him he was fired after breaking down.

I talked to the investigator assigned to her alledged assault. He said he has been doing this for years and basically said he isn't buying it; that many things just don't add up. That he feels it's a ploy to get out of incarceration.  I told him that while part of me thinks so too, in the event it did happen that I want it thouroughly investigated. He assured me that it was his job to do so and will be doing so.

It was hard seeing DD shackled and crying. I wish it never would have gotten to this point.

[jellibeans]

raytamtay

Know that this is the best for your dd... . and hopefully a real eyeopener too. She needs consequences to her actions. The nights she didn't come home and did what she wanted regardless of curfew are catching up with her now... . don't try and cushion the blow or protect her... . she needs to feel the full weight of what she has done.

How old is your dd again? I am not sure how she can refuse RTC?

I know sometimes things get worse before they get better... . I feel this is what is going on for your family... . at least she is safe... I do hope things get better for you all but until then you are doing the right thing

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

How old is your dd again? I am not sure how she can refuse RTC?

She turned 14 September 7th.

[raytamtay3]

I know this is for the best. But it's just a natural instinct to want to protect her... .

[jellibeans]

raytamtay

How she can refuse help at the age of 14?

[crazedncrazymom]

jellibeans,

In a lot of states children at age 14 are considered to be in charge of their mental health.  We cannot hospitalize them (unless they are committed against their will and that requires a judge and it's really hard to do without suicidal intent) or put them in rtf unless they are willing to sign themselves in.

From my understanding here in PA there was recently a clarification made in this law.  The intent of the law was that 14 and old could seek mental health treatment without parental consent.  The interpretation originally was that parents cannot consent for them.  I believe the new interpretation is now that either the parent or the child can consent.

Raytam, please check that out.  That has only happened within the past year.  DD tried to sign herself out of rtf and just as we were all readying ourselves for a hearing, the rtf legal person told us about the clarification and that dd could not sign herself out without my consent.

[jellibeans]

I hope you are right Crazed... . that doesn't seem to be very helpful for parents if they can't get the help for their child... . please let us know!

[raytamtay3]

As if our story couldn’t get more interesting! I hope you all are sitting down for this one. I’m glad I was when I heard the news!

So, Tuesday night I get a knock at the door. It turns out to be child protective services. I’m thinking oh great. What now?   They proceed to tell me that they are investing a situation that occurred over the weekend that involved DD.  

Child protective services were investigating a home in Pennsauken, NJ and the adult whom resides there (the mother) and a juvenile.  As a result, the juvinile was removed.  

When they went in to the home, they found two females hiding in a closet (DD and her friend).  Because they did not appear to be from the area, DD having substances on her and because they appeared to be under the influence, and in addition, the environment appeared to be an ORGY setting, the Pennsauken PD was called.  DD and her friend gave fictitious names. Why DD was not arrested if she had “substances” on her is beyond me!

CPS said that they had two cases going on for DD. The alleged sexual assault and the incident that occurred in Pennsauken.  And the only reason they even tied the two cases together (because remember, DD used a fictitious name for the Pennsauken incident) was because when they were discussing our address in Gloucester County, someone recognized our address and said there was someone  who lives there with the same first name (DD’s) but the last names didn’t match!

CPS said not only did DD14 give her wrong last name, but she also said she was 17.

So her credibility at this point is beyond questionable stated the investigator assigned to her for the assault allegation.  In addition, the investigator told me he spoke to her friend last night, and friend said how they do know the girl whose house they went to. DD said she never met her before…

My DH and I just looked at each other Wednesday night and were like WOW! I literally feel like I am in the twilight zone!

DD called me last night demanding I drop off shampoo and conditioner to her between the hours of 8:00 am – 4:00 pm.  I told her I can’t. I have to work.  Apparently she has only been using water to wash her hair because they don’t supply it. I did say I would try (but I can’t get there due to work and getting DS to and from school).  She said there is no trying. That she needs it. Then she asked if I got her partner in crime’s address so she can write her. At this point, I’m not going to give it to her so they can collaborate their stories. I said no, that I asked her friend for it via text and she never responded. She TOLD me to drive past her house and get. She was very agitated and barking orders at me. Nope, sorry…



PS: CPS told me if I would have gotten them involved with DD, they would have had her placed in an RTC within a week! Dammit!

[jellibeans]

raytamtay

Will CPS now get involved? Your dd14 is totally our of control... . it is scary to say the least... .

When my dd16 was in RTC she would call and bark orders to me too... . i really saw this as her need to have some control over something since she was locked up and really had no say in anything. Be careful not to let the guilt pull you into this trap. I really have a hard time believing they don't have shampoo.

What is your next step?

[raytamtay3]

CPS said that they don't think that they would be able to come in to the process now because there are so many layers going on (Case management, therapists, court system, detention).

So I just wait until Feb. 25 at this point.

[crazedncrazymom]

You poor thing!  Wow I'm so amazed your head is still on straight. 

Just a FYI, they are legally required to provide soap, shampoo and toothpaste.  Your dd may not like the brand but she does have shampoo.

-crazed

[MammaMia]

Raytam

Holy Moly. 

Even tho they cannot intercede at this point, I trust the report from CPS would and should be available to the judge on Feb 25.  That is the least they can do, and that information is vital.

Since she is 14, can you get a copy of their case report if they do not provide one to the court?

I am sorry for all you are going through.  This really "seals the deal" that your dd is in need of a major intervention.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

I asked DD's father to bring her the shampoo and conditioner since he is off today, which he just did. I did confirm the the facility that they provide shampoo, but that it's of a low quality.

[pessim-optimist]

raytam,

Yikes! It only gets better, doesn't it... .  

I would also try to get in touch with the CPS again and inform myself on what they can do for you as a parent and what they can do for dd in general - so you are informed for the future, if you ever need their help in the future.

And if you decide to do that - would you let us know what they say?

[raytamtay3]

I feel horrible today, but last night I didn't.  I blew off her calls... . I actually thought she'd call her father considering he brough her the toiletries. I know why she is calling me. It's to get the partner in crimes' address to write her. Honestly I was going to take her call if she called back the 5th time and just tell her straight out that until the investigation is concluded, I will not be giving her the friend's address. I know it is going to result in her cursing me out and/or hanging up on me. The beauty of it is, I can get away from it now.

I gotta tell you. The mood in the house is so calm and "normal". It's so nice leaving our bedroom door open instead of deadbolted, my handbag laying out, etc. I forgot how great peace feels!  

I'll tell you one thing though. I'm stress eating like crazy! And I haven't been to the gym in over a month! Not a good combo! I got to get myself back into it now that things are calm. Plus it makes me feel better all around.

[jellibeans]

raytamtay

Take some time for yourself... . do what you want and don't put any pressure on yourself that is unneccessary. Enjoy the peace and quiet. I can remember those times so well and how nice it is not to have to lock up everything sharp in my house or just be on edge waiting. thinking of you and hoping to can truly enjoy this time.

[raytamtay3]

DD14 called me again last night asking for addresses again. I told her until the investigation is done. I didnt think it a good idea. She said she wants to drop the investigation. She started crying asking why i want to make her suffer. I said im not trying to make her suffer. (DH said I should have said its her whose making herself suffer). I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. I told her how child welfare stopped by and whats this about her giving her last name as smalls. She said she didnt know what i was talking about. Then said how she doesnteven want to call me mom. I said then stop calling me. She cried asking if thats what i want. I saidno, but sounds lime its what she wants. My mom talked to her some too. DD said some girl there  got jumped, how awful the food is, etc. Question do they read mail? Should i give her the partner in crime's address? Typung from my phobe without reading classes so forgive any typos.

[raytamtay3]

Also, today is.visitation. i asked her if she wanted meto come. She said no but she qants to see her brother. If im.allowed to, do u think i shoukd.bring a six.year old.there? And if not, shoukd i still go? Anyone know if u are allowed to brung anyrhing

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Raytam,

I don't think a 6 year old would be allowed.  Even if he were I don't think I'd bring him at this time.  No, do not go anyway.  Take some advice from a hard earned lesson.  DD did not want me to visit her in the hospital.  I wanted to be supportive and show her that I was there and that I cared.  I went to 3 visits and sat across the room from her not talking to me.  I was so sad sitting there crying by myself.  Let her be.  She's safe and looked after.  She's mad.  Take this time to take care of yourself and the rest of the family.

[jellibeans]

raytam

I do not think your six year old needs to visit his sister in jail. I think I would just stay home as well if she has stated she doesn't want you to come. No use forcing something... . she will come around.

[MammaMia]

Raytam

Please do not take your son to jail.  It could be traumatic for him.  One of the consequences of misbehaving is not getting everything you want, and this is a lesson dd must learn.

How about taking your son to the LEGO movie and having some fun?  I hear it is "Awesome".  Spend some quality time with him.  My 35 year old nephew cannot wait to take his 7 year old stepson... . I am not sure who wants to see the movie more.  Hahaha.  it would certainly lighten your mood.

Raytam, step back and focus your love an attention on others in your immediate family.  :)D is safe and there is nothing you can do to change her circumstances.  She did this to herself.