My husband doesn't understand.

[itsnotme]

My husband hates my Mother. Always has and always will. I completely understand why. He's very black and white. He just wants me to stop thinking about. NC cold turkey without any guilt. He says that I should have done this years ago and that she will never see our children again. I know she shouldn't but for some reason when he says that it just crushes me. He's right, she has no right to see them. But why do I get mad at him for saying that to me? Why do I want to fight him on that? It's not even like she's asking to see them. The biggest problem is that I need to share my feelings with him. There are days that are so depressing for me... . just because. And he doesn't understand that I'm just wired this way. Probably because I was brainwashed for years, but this is how it is for me right now. How do I deal with my steps of NC and deal w the way my husband is handling this?

[frankief]

Your husband is being unrealistic. He's expecting you to shut off your emotions and isn't allowing you  to grieve, which you really do need to do when you end a relationship with a parent. Did you husband grow up in a healthy environment? It seems odd that he thinks you shouldn't feel anything and "get over it". While it may be easy for him to cut off contact it actually isn't healthy to not feel your feelings. Is he open to couples counseling? It sounds like his response is out of anger towards your mother versus being thoughtful of what it means to end a cycle of abuse and deal with the loss of a parent (because NC is like a death because it's about realizing that your parent cannot be there for you and is actually really bad for you). You sound like you could use a therapist, too, for yourself regardless of your husband. Seeing a therapist after I had been NC for awhile (which I had gone sooner!) really helped me so much. It helped me move forward but also recognize all my fleas. It also allowed me to just dump all my feelings out without stressing out my S.O. or friends. Sometimes people just don't know what to do with a lot of emotion. Good luck to you! I hope it gets better soon!

[lucyhoneychurch]

Many men can come at things as a search for how to solve it. If his motives are really that he desires calm for himself and you and his kids, he could be really really clueless how to support you in your own search and get what he wants as well - an end to it.

Someone needs to be your referee while you discern what to do.

Is that a pastor or family friend that you feel might hear you (your perspective of being unsure about any permanent NC) both? The worst thing is you feel invalidated, but I bet he does too - not taking his side, this is how my ex saw things so often in regards to my late mother - it just seemed so obvious - she is the problem, get her gone, in a sense.

Men can go at a problem like it's just in need of a few turns of a wrench, or, in my ex's case, a few clicks of a computer mouse to run a program.

This is built into so many of them.  It's how they roll.

I am so not minimizing your needing his help. TRUST ME. I grappled for so many years, usually internally in efforts to just shut up about it and not be broken record (I saw that erroneously as being "just like her" it wasn't, just dazed and confused and lost) with desperate wish for help.

It's such a minefield.

Tread softly, mostly on your own heart. Some 3rd party needs to help you almost "negotiate" with your husband so that your husband can see this is a timely thing, not kneejerk.

I'm so sorry.  Feeling invalidated from all sides is such a hurtful emotion.

Do something kind for yourself today. Even if it's just sitting looking out a window (there is a full moon on my snowscape right now, the only beauty in last 2 days, and my power's on - I'll embrace both!) with a cup of tea or glass of wine.

REST your thoughts even that little bit.

I'm very sorry and wish you some tenderness on this Valentine's Day. 

[Sitara]

He's right, she has no right to see them. But why do I get mad at him for saying that to me? Why do I want to fight him on that?

I don't know if it is a common thing for kids of BPD parents, but I find I have a big issue with people telling me what to do or when I feel they expect things from me - my gut reaction is to fight them even if it is something I want to do.  I think it comes from my parents always having expectations of me that I wasn't allowed to say no to, and always being told my thoughts and feelings.  So now as an adult I find myself doing it often probably because I'm exercising that freedom I wasn't allowed to have even though it's not always what I truly want or healthy. 

It's hard when your partner can't understand.  I agree with the other posts that it's unrealistic for you just to shut off your feelings and find someone who is willing to just listen. I know it's easier said than done.  Take care.

[itsnotme]

I love being apart of this group. It helps me feel less crazy. At this particular time I'm feeling  emotionally unraveled. It's like I'm sinking in quick sand even though I want to fight my way out of this mess I just can't seem to get out. It's crippling to not be able to handle things. It's crippling to not know how people feel about you, what the others think about u when they hear the other side. And it's especially crippling to worry about what your partner thinks of you as you go through this. My biggest fear is that he looks at me and thinks less of me, that I'm weak. And that to me is crippling. He's the only person I feel I have left. Yet I feel really alone in this. I build up walls when I get to this point. It's always been safer.

[lucyhoneychurch]

"... . and he thinks that I am weak... . "

itsnotme, please listen - don't go on what your imagination and fears are saying to you. Ask your husband just exactly where he sees you in this situation, not just your choices about her, but how do you feel about me right now, what are your feelings about me as your partner even in times like this?

If you can't spell it out to him like that, or he can't delineate his feelings about you, please find a neutral third party to help... . don't build this up in your mind (it's so easy to do!) that he is feeling one way or another about you when he might not be.

Assumptions are really hard to unlace and untangle. We get a train of thought in our heads about what someone is thinking about us and it is so hard to back it up and get constructive feelings going again.

I so empathize with you.  Just don't jump way way ahead of where he might actually be - I guarantee you he is fed up, burned out, exhausted with her behaviors... . but that does not mean he is necessarily projecting his views about her onto you.

Please be kind to yourself and FIND OUT.

You can do it. How much worse (in all honesty, sometimes it's merciful to really have the truth rather than our unbased fears) might his real feelings be than what you are filling in and coloring and so scared of? Remember, you are operating by guidelines set up by someone who WANTED you afraid - your own parent.

You can operate by your own rules now. Obliterate the idea you have to just guess what another adult is thinking - ask. You can be in control so much more. I had to work and work at this.

Because - anyone who loves you will help you become who you are meant to be. A strong, alive, respectable person.

Let him tell you - don't guess.

Our fears are always worse than the truth, has been my experience.

So hoping you have a better day. 

[Sitara]

One of my big breakthrough moments was when I realized how I thought the world worked wasn't really the true reality.  When we grow up with people who view the world in such a distorted way, we tend to pick up those habits.  I used to think things like, this person doesn't like me and that's why she keeps saying she's too busy to get together, when the reality probably was that she was just too busy to get together.  You can not know what another person is thinking without asking, and not everyone is thinking you're a terrible person by default.  I can't really say it any better than lucyhoneychurch.  It's not worth working these things up in your mind.

[alicein1derland]

Itsnotme,

I understand what you're saying about defending your mother against your husband, even when you know deep down he's right (at least to some degree).  It's almost like an automatic reaction that you have no control of.  I think my therapist called it something like projective identification, whereby your mother is almost acting THROUGH you against your husband.  I liken it more to brainwashing, which someone else said, but either way, as long as you're AWARE of it - even better, in the moment- I think that's half the battle.  Hard to understand, even harder to change when you've been doing it so long, but good to know you're doing it so you can start to look at it... .

Alice