Sick grandmother, BPD mom feeding on drama, am completely stressed out

[h0neybadger]

My sweet, wonderful grandmother was hospitalized several days ago, and my mom has been ramping up the drama for all it's worth. Am I just imagining this?

Last Thursday my sister and I got a two-sentence email from my mom: "Took (grandmother) to the hospital. Was having trouble breathing." Our grandmother has been doing fine so this was very unexpected, needless to say it really freaked both of us out - was she okay or not? No information as to whether she was okay or in a real emergency.

My mom didn't call us back until an hour later, and even then it took a lot of discussion to figure out what the situation was. She kept using phrases like "well they think it's a bit of heart failure" and "also maybe some pneumonia, and you know how that is when you're older."

This lack of clear communication was extremely stressful on both my sister and I. She was crying at work and I couldn't get anything done. Later that evening, sister called my dad and he just said, "your grandmother's okay, we're not planning any funerals here." The tone of that conversation was completely opposite to my mom's description of the situation.

We call our grandmother and she sounds okay and in good spirits.

The next morning, my mom calls my sister early in the morning with, "she had a really bad night last night, you might want to come home now." When sister asks for details, mom can't give her anything concrete. Finally she just says that grandmother "didn't sleep well." That was it. Sister calls me totally upset and strung out, we keep talking about how mom's stressing us out and it seems like she's working up the drama.

Mom emails us a picture of her sitting next to grandmother, who's in a hospital bed hooked up to various things. Caption is, "Mom and (grandmother), from the psych ward!" Sister and I didn't find this funny at all. Especially since mom is aware that I was almost hospitalized two years ago for severe depression as a result of our family dysfunction... . which didn't exactly get any empathy.

Then this morning she texts me, "sending grandmother flowers from (sister), (me), and (my fiance)." What does that even mean? Is she trying to make us feel bad for not sending her flowers? I didn't even think about it because hospitals don't always like flowers coming in. I don't even know how to reply to that.

In short, my grandmother has recently been diagnosed with congestive heart failure but is stable and will be released soon. My mom is understandably stressed by this, but is also constantly freaking out me and my sister with confusing reports and overdramatizing the situation at times. We have no other way of knowing what's going on except for my dad - and he's not exactly going out of his way to offer information or clear things up. When we have called him, he says that grandmother is okay and not to freak out. Our mom is going to give us stomach ulcers from all the up-and-down commentary.

Any advice on how to deal with this sort of situation? It's not like I can just tell my mom to stop it, literally everything about this is a potentially huge guilt trip. I can't concentrate at work and every time mom and I talk, I just feel anger because it's exhausting.

[Sitara]

It sounds like maybe your mom is having a hard time dealing and she wants other people to be as worried as she is. If you're freaking out then she's justified for being freaked out too. Maybe just put more stock in what your dad has to say, and despite not giving a lot of details, if he says she'll be fine, go with that until he says otherwise.

My mom likes to pretend that she knows more than doctors, so that's a possibility of where all the conflicting information is coming from. She may be jumping to conclusions with limited medical knowledge. My mom also tends to think about the worst-case scenario, so I could see my mom jumping to the same conclusion as yours did after just not sleeping well at night.

The flowers thing might just be so that she can take credit for the gesture.

I'm sorry to hear that your grandmother is sick.  Is there a way that you can get your information from someone else? It seems you can't trust your mom's information anyway and it's not doing anyone any good.

[PleaseValidate]

H0neyBadger, that is terrible. Very sorry about your grandmother.

Your mom sounds like mine on many levels (eg, she will sign my name to cards after I've told her many times not to do this. She will send gifts from "us" and tell me how much they cost. And finally, she is SO afraid of anything "psych" related that she will use it as a joke or put down regardless of my own struggles and chosen profession in the field.)

IMO, she is using information as a means of control. It is only my opinion because i am definitively projecting. As Sitara says, mine also doesn't trust doctors and thinks she knows more than them. But mine wouldn't be hiding any fear, she'd have no problem crying all over the place and making me comfort her if necessary.

Oh the drama, my mom would be in heaven! She once called me on vacation to tell me SHE put my uncle in rehab. This was something I really didn't care about since him and I had NC by my choice and he was a lifelong addict.

I strongly suggest, if you are able, call your grandmother DIRECTLY at the hospital, do so as often as it makes you feel better. Also, ask the nurse staff to get her permission so they can tell YOU DIRECTLY about her condition. This is not unusual and I've been on all sides of those phone calls. Your mom doesn't have to know you are doing this and if she does, just be honest and tell her you wanted more information about her illness.

("Luckily," I think most hospital staff easily recognize that my mom has "communication issues. She once told a Boston Geriatric ICU "I feel like I wanna go get a gun and start shooting people." Police escorted her out.)

[Contradancer]

Your mother is worried and fearful on probably more than one level. The anxiety is triggering a very typical BPD reaction. A little empathy from you might go along way.  For instance, "It must be hard on you to see your mother sick, Mom." Then just listen.

I went through hell with my own mother when my grandmother died twenty years ago. I wish I'd had this site, plus "Walking on Eggshells", back then.

Best wishes for your grandmother's recovery, as well as strength and comfort for you.