Feeling caught between a rock and fog

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have hardly spoken to my brother since his last hurtful rage. This am I get a text telling me his girlfriend's apartment house burned down and he needs to go to her. He has told me to stay out of my fathers care as "he is the one in charge and doesn't want my help" (lots of swearing and name calling was included in that quote) Now he needs to put my father in respite care. Normally I would go care for dad as I have been when my brother needed help or time off, but I have limited my contact with my brother at this point. I usually just go in the house and go to my dad's room to visit him. I do not want to get sucked into my brother's rage and really don't want to put myself in a position where he decides he will control the whole situation. The last time I cared for dad it was supposed to be fore a few days and he sent a text from out of state telling me he would not be home for a few more. My dad understands as he is victim of brother's rage and name calling as well. I returned the text telling him that I was sorry this happened and that he knew best about what to do about dad. I'm feeling the fog coming on and don't want to get sucked in to the manipulation. Thanks for listening

[little sister]

I have hardly spoken to my brother since his last hurtful rage. This am I get a text telling me his girlfriend's apartment house burned down and he needs to go to her. He has told me to stay out of my fathers care as "he is the one in charge and doesn't want my help" (lots of swearing and name calling was included in that quote) Now he needs to put my father in respite care. Normally I would go care for dad as I have been when my brother needed help or time off, but I have limited my contact with my brother at this point. I usually just go in the house and go to my dad's room to visit him. I do not want to get sucked into my brother's rage and really don't want to put myself in a position where he decides he will control the whole situation. The last time I cared for dad it was supposed to be fore a few days and he sent a text from out of state telling me he would not be home for a few more. My dad understands as he is victim of brother's rage and name calling as well. I returned the text telling him that I was sorry this happened and that he knew best about what to do about dad. I'm feeling the fog coming on and don't want to get sucked in to the manipulation. Thanks for listening

[Legacymaker]

littlesister,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this, at this difficult time.  I was no contact with my brother (his choice) for 3 years.  It actually gave me room to let go and sort myself out.  It was the first time that I ever went to therapy (I am now 50).  It was also the first time I heard the terms BPD/NPD (referencing my mother and brother respectively). 

I am the caregiver of our biological father.  He is in a nursing home under a mental health diagnosis (Scizoaffective Disorder-Schizophrenia/Bi-Polar).  You actually may have more rights to your fathers care than you realize.

Has he ever signed a Power of Attorney?  My father had made me Durable POA in his will, with my brother as backup.  This designation allows me to make all legal, medical and financial decisions on his behalf.  I had little contact with him when I was growing up but chose to advocate for him when he entered the nursing home.  I didn't want to take on full guardianship of him because of the legal/financial obligations that it might present. 

If your father is still of sound mind, he can change his will or designate you as his durable POA (make sure he specifies financial and medical)  There is also another form for a psychiatric POA but I didn't know about this one until he was to infermed to sign it.   If you and your father prefer to have you as his advocate, I would get the paperwork in place before telling your brother about it.  Most people are unaware of how much power this little piece of paper carries!

Good Luck!

[little sister]

Hi Legacymaker, Thank you for your helpful words. I was my fathers POA, as we lived a mile from each other for the last 10 years. When I needed to go back to work my brother came to stay with him and we switched POA and medical proxy from me as primary to me as secondary. This seemed logical at the time as it would be my brother who would be first on the scene if anything happened.( My brother does get a caregiver salary and room and board from dad) I never thought (neither did dad) that my brother would go completely over the edge. We have been subject to his angry outbursts and hurtful, vile words for years. That is actually why my dad sold the family home and moved close to me after my mother died, he could no longer take my brothers rage. My brother lived in my parents downstairs apartment for 10 year (rent free I might add, after his divorce from his (bipolar ex, as he calls her)). We dealt with his rages over the phone whenever the holidays came close and we tried to make plans, it all revolved around my brother even though it was me hosting the holidays in my house.

My father is of sound mind, it is his body that is failing and he has little time left. He is on hospice ( he threatened to fire them, who fires hospice?) currently and as of my visit this morning, he doesn't look good at all. I don't care what my brother does with the exception of letting me see my dad in peace without his raging. I also do not want my dads last days to be filled with my brothers yelling and name calling, it's so mean and unbelievably cruel. He threatens to leave my dad to "the next person who walks through that door" almost daily. I will be the person who is next to walk through the door, as I visit daily after work. 

Unfortunately, I do not think there is much time to change things back over to me. My brother is in this for dads house and doesn't even realize he has zero power over that, as he deeded the house to me years ago, and made me the executor of the will, as he felt I would be fair and didn't believe my brother would be. He knew my brother would play games, as he is now.

I just want my last days or weeks with dad to be peaceful.

Thank you for listening and responding, as I feel like I am going crazy.

Little sister

[Legacymaker]

I am so sorry you are going through this!  Your poor father!

Would you be able to maintain a more peaceful environment for your father, by moving him to a respite home or hospital setting?  While not ideal, perhaps medical professionals could intervene then.  Is there a social worker that could help?

I believe a court can order guardianship fairly quickly if you could get someone to work with you.  I think it overrides the POA.

Is your brother diagnosed BPD?  If so, you could probably use that to challenge the system.

Please take extra good care of yourself during this difficult time.  The illness and subsequent passing of your father will be difficult enough but it sounds like the legal stuff you have coming your way will also be very challenging too.

I have learned so much from the support on these boards.  You will find that you have a great support team here.

Situations are never hopeless, sometimes we just need to consider a different approach.  Hopefully you will get a few more members with similar experiences to weigh in.

Remember one thing, a flight attendant always instructs us to put on our own oxygen mask before assisting others.  What kinds of things are you doing to take care of yourself?  Sending a hug your way! 

[losthero]

I believe your brother is acting out due to his fear of your dad dying and all the changes that are about to happen for him.   Unfortunately people with personality disorders do not cope well and seem to revert to rage, rage,rage to deal with their emotions and loss of control.   Im not excusing his behavior, please take care to protect yourself around him.  He is not stable. I hope you will be able to find a way to spend some alone time with your dad.