Devastated over and over again

[Pabs]

My heart is broken over and over. And now I am the victim of a distortion campaign. I will always love her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Pabs,

Welcome to the Boards. I'm sorry to hear of your pain and devastation and the distortion campaign. Would you like to tell us some more? We've all been there, you're amongst friends.

Love Lifewriter

[AVR1962]

My daughter has done the same. It is very hurtful and devastating. The last situation with my daughter, I again, approached her with understanding trying to relate with her perception but it was ignored. I love my daughter, want a relationship with her but until she wants a relationship with me I see no sense me trying any further. The damage my daughter has done with her lies has caused so much damage and I have got to a point that I feel I have to step away as this is not healthy.

[madmom]

Welcome Pabs   I am so sorry for the pain and emotional turmoil this is causing you.  My daughter has done the same, and it still hurts even though it is in the past.   I know you love your daughter.  It is time to take care of you, and we are here to help you do that.  When you are ready, we would love to hear more from you.  You are not alone, we will not judge, just support.   

[Pabs]

So, at the suggestion of one of our moderators, I am going to write a bit about my plight. I have two daughters.

The youngest is trying to clean up our family idiosyncrasies, and she and her husband have basically gone dark.

The oldest was so precious and wonderful and full of confidence until somewhere around her 11th birthday. She changed completely at that time. All I can tell you is that her sparkling eyes died and she became troubled, angry, anxious, manipulative and slowly grew more and more out of control. Our family counselor described her as a terrorist. My abusive marriage was falling apart as well. I can only guess that my oldest was affected by the abuse, my inability to handle the situation, etc... .you probably all know the story. Divorce and then manipulation form the father caused real problems. Fast forward, oldest got in lots of trouble. Lots of time she managed to keep it all from me. She actually is beginning to tell me things of her past I didn't know.

She has a child in kindergarten. I babysit often - i have to fly across the country to do this. I love this child so much and this child loves me.

At least until last Friday, when my oldest started raging over my leaving to see her sister... ."Aren't I enough for you? Why do you have to see this hateful sister of mine? You are horrible. I hate you." then she turns to her child and says, "Isn't she a witch? Now you see that my life was hell growing up in her house. Isn't she evil? I will never treat you like she treats me. There will only be love in our home."

I sat in my room and listened to her yelling. I was sobbing quietly by that time in my room. The door opened and this child walked in and asked me why I treat my oldest so badly. And that I should leave. Then she rounded the corner and started yelling at me to get out of her house. She started throwing my things into my suitcase and yelling so loud - right up in my face - waving her finger at me. I shoved her hand aside, and then she hit me in the arm, and started yelling to the child, "She hit me! She hit me in my home!" She got on the phone and started calling everyone she knows and telling them this lie.

I finished packing and took my bags downstairs and called a cab. Honestly, I have been kicked out of her house maybe 20 times before - I am so embarrassed. I keep going back now to take care of my little grandchild.

Anyway, I went straight to the airport and flew home. Now I am with my 2nd husband (who is a gift - a real gift to me - I didn't deserve him) on a business trip. He took pictures of my bruises.He is sending them to our attorney just in case. I am scared of her a little bit.

My daughter does not know where I am. I am going dark. I have got to figure out how to get myself together. I know that if my grandchild has to witness more of this kind of thing, he is doomed.

She rages at her husband too, but he loves her so much he takes it. He enables her. And he's gone a lot. He goes with her whatever she does.

Anyway... .I'm trying to work all day and I can't get my head together. I have been to counselors just to work on this relationship and also try to figure out what to do with the youngest who has "left the room."

One piece of info to share... .I was the daughter of a difficult alcoholic who was honestly the most incredible woman I have ever known, except for those 3 times a years when she would stay drunk for a month or so at a time. So I grew up in such a strange family, this all seems almost a little normal to me. Except that no one has ever hit me before. My first husband and my oldest have raged at me many many many times.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Pabs,

I'm so sorry to read what you have been through on your visit to your oldest daughter's home.  Being bullied and knowing that your little grandson is being exposed to this type of raging is heartbreaking.  Having him so far away and not being able to protect him and make sure he is in a healthy environment is so worrisome.   :'(

I'm not sure I understand about your youngest daughter's current mindset... .has she cut off communication with you and her sister?  What is your oldest's relationship like with her bio father?

My daughter also began showing traits of the disorder at 11.  She was dx with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) initially and the following year she was dx inpatient with MDD (Major depression) and Emerging BPD.  Was your daughter(s) ever formally diagnosed with BPD?


lbjnltx

[Pabs]

Hi All. And answers for lbjnltx,

Thank you to everyone who has written something so sweet on this thread. I am so grateful. This has been a confusing day and I am so tired. There is lots of drama in our family.

My youngest has been struggling to be whole. She is keeping herself relatively quiet. She has recently called herself an introvert, although I do not think she is. She is tired of the drama in our family caused by the oldest. They have battled for years. The oldest is mad at the youngest, and vice versa. They feel they have both been wronged. When they see each other, they act civil, and then later, behind the backs, they condemn the other. I am the one they really complain to and then because I used to listen, I get in trouble. I was trying to help each one understand the other, but have not been successful.

My youngest was young when I divorced, and her father kind of disappeared. 20 years ago. I had no help as my parents were both dead (they were older parents), and no other family. The oldest (at 16) was off to college the year of the divorce. The youngest was around 11. She does not remember the abusive home we lived in. She only remembered the good things... .the smell of fresh baked cookies, short order breakfast cooking, warm fires in the fireplace. I tried so hard to make our dysfunctional home before the divorce like Little House on the Prairie. After the divorce, I was so weak and numb I could barely get any dinner on the table at all. So many things changed. All of our traditions flew out the window. I had no idea but she developed a severe depression and she tells me today that she had an eating disorder. I lived in the room next to her and never heard one single thing, so I am not sure. By nature she is tiny.

Several years ago, the father showed back up and decided to re-enter my girls life. To my youngest, he told her that I was the case of all the trouble. She believed him and has championed him since then. He is Rasputin.

The oldest wanted to have her father in her life so badly, she tried. He even moved into her guest house for 2 years! She finally realized and remembered the badness and the pain and asked him to leave.

My ex-husband and I went as a couple to a psychologist for some time all those years ago, and then psychologist told me he was a sociopath and I had better get away as soon as possible. He told my attorney he wanted to kill me.

When my oldest daughter went to psychologist last year,(paid for by family) she was diagnosed as BPD. We were told to read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.

I promise you. He is really bad. I know too much. And she is damaged. I knew the night before our wedding I shouldn't do it, but I did, knowing it most likely wouldn't work. Shame on me.

[lbjnltx]

Hi again Pabs,

We all get weary and need to rest our spirits from the upheaval, drama, and troubling past.  Can you give yourself permission to take a break from it all and rest? 



lbjnltx

[Pabs]

lbjnltx,

Yes, yes i can. I am focusing on all the good in my life. Thank you,

Pabs