Ready to give up

[Miyelo]

What happens when you can't take it anymore?  My daughter is not only BPD but also bipolar and severe aspergers.  We have tried & tried to help her but it is like talking to a wall.  She argues with us even if we are all agreeing on something.  I have lost my job, so stressed that it is affecting my health and so depressed that i want to run away.  And i am trapped with her!  She can't hold a job, she has alienated any other relative.  I don't know what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

How old is your daughter? Does she live with you? Would she consider counseling?

If a teen still at home I would encourage family counseling and counseling individually. If an adult on her own that won't listen to you, let her be and don't get involved with trying to help her with her problems or issues. They drag us in fro support and then turn as soon as we say something they don't agree with or want to hear. Let her figure it out, it is her life and you can support her by saying, "You will find the way." "It's hard but you will figure it out." They will exhaust you, at least my BPD daughter did, to a point that you do finally tell them what to do and then tables turn. We can help, listen, support and listen some more but boy the minute you point out a direction watch the reactions start. You have to learn that their issues are their issues and only they can resolve their issues.

If she is an adult living at home, I suggest a contract. This might not work in all cases but it did with my daughter. She didn't want to work, didn't want to go to counseling, had dropped out of school 3 months shy of graduation. Husband and I drew up a contract that stated that in order for her to live in our hone these things were required of her and she agreed. She went to counseling, she got a job and she got her GED.

A book I highly recommend which helped me a great deal is "Change Your Mind And Your Life Will Follow" by Karen Casey.

[qcarolr]

Miyelo   

I am glad you are here. My BPDDD is now 29 and sounds very like your DD. I sounds like she is an adult and lives in your home. There are lots of resources here, and a group of caring understanding parents.

Even though it is often hard to hear, finding ways to care for yourself is the first priority. Until I started practicing the tools learned here.

My gd10 is spraying down my office window. Better go check. Her mom is Dd. They both currently are living with dh and I. DD29 has a very similar array of issues and dx's as you describe for your DD. It is so hard to discern what they can change (if they could) and what is just how it is for them.

I will be back later.

qce

[Miyelo]

My daughter will be 23 in a month.  She finished high school with a lot of help from me but she has not been able to hold any job during the past 5 years.  She is argumentative and can't physically handle any stress that might come from say a lunch rush at a fast food place, she runs out crying.  Because of the aspergers, she doesn't realize when she says very inappropriate things.   We finally after all these years found a therapist she will talk to but we don't have the money to send her right now, hubby is out of work, insurance copay is so high that she had to stop.  We tried a contract but she will not keep to it.  We have been told by so many people to "kick her out" but she has alienated even friends who might let her stay with them.  She would be homeless.  I know that I am not helping her by continuing to let her stay here, but we only give her the basic things, just food and shelter.  She does have chores that she is supposed to do to earn this but its like pulling teeth to get her to do them.  When we did call the police once because she was threatening us, they told her to leave.  She sat on the curb half the night crying in the rain because she had no where to go and no one to call.  That's why I say I feel trapped. 

[AVR1962]

It is hard to ask a child to leave and I do understand the position you are in right now. Some how there has to be a way to give her the encouragement to find goals for herself to make it possible for her to be on her own. She may be resistant to talk about this but I think somehow it is needed to help get her in a position where she can start taking responsibility for her own life.

I have found upset, demands and yelling at a BP gets nowhere and these situations can escalate quickly when nothing i good enough for them. Try compassion, affirmation and try to help her think things thru by finding out what she wants and what she is capable of doing.

I have a daughter I, for a time, suspected could be aspergers, she is not my BP daughter. This daughter had a real, almost fear you might say, of being in a public setting and would have melt downs which we could not understand. There for years we only went were she was comfortable, otherwise she stayed at home. She was going to a big school and noises and groups were hard for her. She never participated on a team, never got involved with a group but what I did do was understand her, listened to her describe what she was feeling and thinking. I actually think she has sensory issues, intuned and very sensitive to her environment. I think it is a little harder for people who deal with these issues and I do think they need more encouragement. See if you can see life from her point of view.

[Slipping]

Miyelo,

I'm glad that you've found this group.  I can hear in your message just how much stress you and your family are under.  I know the misery of feeling trapped and like there are no answers, when every day is a bad re-run of the day before and you can't see any hope for change.  I believe that you'll find understanding and some answers here, as well as a place to vent to people who will not be judgmental.

Obviously not knowing where you live, I wonder if there is community housing that your daughter might qualify for.  Has she applied for or qualified for disability?

My DD28 also rages and argues with us.  She frequently believes that even the most innocent comment is meant as a judgment and then she starts to attack.  It's exhausting.  You mentioned that your daughter will argue even when everyone is in agreement, and I've experienced that.  I believe it's b/c of the BPD and how she processes what I say.  It's like what I say is NOT what she hears.  So I spent a lot of time learning about BPD and how it impacts the person who is suffering with it. I've learned that for her, her feelings are her facts and nothing I can say will change that.  That helped me to be more empathetic to her pain, b/c it must be miserable to be at the mercy of emotions that you can't control. 

The more I learned, the more I realized that it was going to be up to me to make the effort to learn and change, since my daughter won't go to therapy.  Plus, like you, I was at the point where I thought I couldn't stand my life even one more day.  It wasn't easy or quick, but our arguments now are less frequent and less frightening. In this case, knowledge is power and there is so much information here on this site.  It's changed my life.

The tools you'll learn here, especially validation, can make a huge difference for both of you.  It has been difficult for me to learn how to validate my dd's feelings, especially when the things she's talking about seem irrational to me.    Usually she needs to express her feeling and be heard, and  my normal response was to start problem-solving whatever issue she was complaining about.  In other words, I think I understand when you say it's like talking to a wall.  Why couldn't she see that I had logical ways to help her?  Now that I've learned that I can't solve her problems and I've (mostly) stopped trying, things have improved.  I'm learning to try to hear the emotion behind the hurtful words and not to take them personally. 

I was so moved by the desperation in your note.  Please come back and let us know how you are doing. You must have been at this for a very long time since your DD has aspergers, as well the BPD and bipolar.  This is a hard road, but you're doing the right thing by looking for help!