Waifed vs queened - how it went down and reflecting on my feelings

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here, maybe just write down some thoughts that have been circling in my brain in the last months. Having read many many posts here on the boards on survival from break ups, I thought maybe someone could relate to the two pretty different BPD stories that I've experienced. Maybe someone can learn from my mistake - a BPD waif may seem like an utterly normal person after a raging BPD queen.

Bpdexgf1 was the archtypical queen. I forced her to move out 20 months ago after a tumultous 18 month r/s. Overtly sexy, idealizing me to the max and when things were bad she exploded - acting out as they nicely call it. Her rage had no limits, verbal or physical. The push / pull dynamic was obvious and very strong and frequent. The rollercoaster went 100mph, up AND down. Intense love bombing during the highs/pulls, followed by ruthless devaluation and aggression during the lows/pushes. She cheated on me many times, and I retaliated too. She still sort of tried to be honest because she knew I expected that of her. After her rages, she mostly used sex or luxury gifts as tools to get me back. Queen has tried re-engaging many times after the break up, over email, text and phoning from secret numbers. I haven't responded so NC has been successful.

Bpdexgf2 was a classic waif, in 20/20 hindsight at least. The r/s  started only 4 months after the previous had ended, and lasted 10 months. I thought I was safe because she felt so different vs the queen. I remember telling my friends that this girl seems so wonderfully normal. She seemed very vulnerable in the beginning, with an aura of innocence. Gave the impression of a nice, good, family girl that life (and men) had treated badly. High functioning, a medical doctor. Idealization was more subtle but nevertheless convincing and was delivered to me often via her mother or brother: "She says you are the perfect man for her". She felt very open in the beginning but as time went on, she started to clam up more and more. She started to deny the things she had said or told me before, and gaslighted me it was my imagination. The push/pull was more subtle: when any arguments or my needs surfaced, she withdrew to "gain space" and then re-entered the scene as if nothing ever happened. Towards the end, she completely clammed up, withdrew and refused to communicate. She lied constantly: small white lies, weird exaggerations and gargantuan lies about her past and present. I deleted the waif from FB and other social media but have kept LC with her school aged kids. Waif is still sometimes fishing with subtle contact over text msg but only one clear approach was about her wanting me back. I have responded politely a few times. No NC that is, but pretty low LC.

What went on in my head then? Well, with the queen, I felt like a constant target of her behavior, rage or love. I was literally scared to death of her sometimes. Towards the end I was afraid to go to sleep as I thought she would stab me while I was a sleep. I countered her behavior with my own bursts of anger. I felt out of control as she was so unpredictable and hateful. I had to throw her out because I thought I would literally go nuts myself.

The waif on the other hand directed passive aggressive behaviors towards me and instead of feeling rage I felt first frustration and then despair as I realized she was slipping away and withdrawing from me, and re-engaging old BFs instead. I felt utterly alone, more alone than ever, in a r/s or not. As she had shut me out of her and her kids' life, I had to call it quits and finally ended it, as I felt I was just being punished with her silence as a weapon and decided I had to protect myself from further devaluation.

These r/s were numbers 2 and 3 for me, after a 15 year r/s to the mother of my kids.  Both BPD break ups were horrid and utterly disturbing, much worse than the one from my long r/s. Initially I thought the queen break-up was more painful but the rage and the bad words were somehow easier to comprehend - I was able to accept that she is a severely disturbed person and being around her would make everyone sick. With the waif, and the implosion of that r/s, there were many unanswered questions and I felt guilt for abandoning her and her troubled kids. At the moment, I struggle more with the waif experience, because of the what ifs (guilt).

I've been seeing a T and have come pretty far with my FOO issues - not there completely yet though.

[KE151]

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here, maybe just write down some thoughts that have been circling in my brain in the last months. Having read many many posts here on the boards on survival from break ups, I thought maybe someone could relate to the two pretty different BPD stories that I've experienced. Maybe someone can learn from my mistake - a BPD waif may seem like an utterly normal person after a raging BPD queen.

Bpdexgf1 was the archtypical queen. I forced her to move out 20 months ago after a tumultous 18 month r/s. Overtly sexy, idealizing me to the max and when things were bad she exploded - acting out as they nicely call it. Her rage had no limits, verbal or physical. The push / pull dynamic was obvious and very strong and frequent. The rollercoaster went 100mph, up AND down. Intense love bombing during the highs/pulls, followed by ruthless devaluation and aggression during the lows/pushes. She cheated on me many times, and I retaliated too. She still sort of tried to be honest because she knew I expected that of her. After her rages, she mostly used sex or luxury gifts as tools to get me back. Queen has tried re-engaging many times after the break up, over email, text and phoning from secret numbers. I haven't responded so NC has been successful.

Bpdexgf2 was a classic waif, in 20/20 hindsight at least. The r/s  started only 4 months after the previous had ended, and lasted 10 months. I thought I was safe because she felt so different vs the queen. I remember telling my friends that this girl seems so wonderfully normal. She seemed very vulnerable in the beginning, with an aura of innocence. Gave the impression of a nice, good, family girl that life (and men) had treated badly. High functioning, a medical doctor. Idealization was more subtle but nevertheless convincing and was delivered to me often via her mother or brother: "She says you are the perfect man for her". She felt very open in the beginning but as time went on, she started to clam up more and more. She started to deny the things she had said or told me before, and gaslighted me it was my imagination. The push/pull was more subtle: when any arguments or my needs surfaced, she withdrew to "gain space" and then re-entered the scene as if nothing ever happened. Towards the end, she completely clammed up, withdrew and refused to communicate. She lied constantly: small white lies, weird exaggerations and gargantuan lies about her past and present. I deleted the waif from FB and other social media but have kept LC with her school aged kids. Waif is still sometimes fishing with subtle contact over text msg but only one clear approach was about her wanting me back. I have responded politely a few times. No NC that is, but pretty low LC.

What went on in my head then? Well, with the queen, I felt like a constant target of her behavior, rage or love. I was literally scared to death of her sometimes. Towards the end I was afraid to go to sleep as I thought she would stab me while I was a sleep. I countered her behavior with my own bursts of anger. I felt out of control as she was so unpredictable and hateful. I had to throw her out because I thought I would literally go nuts myself.

The waif on the other hand directed passive aggressive behaviors towards me and instead of feeling rage I felt first frustration and then despair as I realized she was slipping away and withdrawing from me, and re-engaging old BFs instead. I felt utterly alone, more alone than ever, in a r/s or not. As she had shut me out of her and her kids' life, I had to call it quits and finally ended it, as I felt I was just being punished with her silence as a weapon and decided I had to protect myself from further devaluation.

These r/s were numbers 2 and 3 for me, after a 15 year r/s to the mother of my kids.  Both BPD break ups were horrid and utterly disturbing, much worse than the one from my long r/s. Initially I thought the queen break-up was more painful but the rage and the bad words were somehow easier to comprehend - I was able to accept that she is a severely disturbed person and being around her would make everyone sick. With the waif, and the implosion of that r/s, there were many unanswered questions and I felt guilt for abandoning her and her troubled kids. At the moment, I struggle more with the waif experience, because of the what ifs (guilt).

I've been seeing a T and have come pretty far with my FOO issues - not there completely yet though.

[Blade99d]

KE,

Your story is similar to mine.  I was coming out of a divorce, relationship lasted nearly 20 years.  I met my ex one night at our local bar and she just blew me away in the 5 minutes we talked.  She is a Queen, with heavy Narc traits.  She would scream at the top of her lungs and be incredibly abusive verbally, then she would do the gaslighting and say it was my "rage". Mind you i had never used the term rage in day to day conversation, but that word rolled off her tongue like it was general conversation.  She was amazing in bed, but thats all she had to hang her hat on.  Many a morning when I would leave her house, I would say this woman is crazy... .but I now understand she needs a lot of help.  Unfortunately her sheild convinces her that it is always the guys fault so the likelihood of her seeking treatment is slim and none.  i am working with my T to understand how my childhood made me who I am, and where I have some work to do on myself. 

[Waifed]

It is just nuts.  First off, how can the family make comments like that?  Certainly they are aware of her history.  Maybe not though.  Being a Medial Dr. how is she not aware of her issues? 

My ex was a waif and she never spoke badly about anyone... .ever.  I worked with her for 3 years before we got together and I never in a million years would have thought she would be BPD (Even though I didn't know what BPD was).  Well she is without a doubt!  Because she spoke highly of her exes my first thought was that I gave her BPD! 

Certainly her parents and family are aware that she has interpersonal relationship skills issues?  Mine never introduced me to her parents.  Hell, maybe the entire family had it.  I just can't see how this woman can be successful in her profession yet so incompetent in relationships and then not able to admit that she has a problem.  I think she knows she does because of the way she compartmentalizes her life.  She is always thinking about the future and how to protect herself from the stigma.

[KE151]

It is just nuts.  First off, how can the family make comments like that?  Certainly they are aware of her history.  Maybe not though.  Being a Medial Dr. how is she not aware of her issues?  

My ex was a waif and she never spoke badly about anyone... .ever.  I worked with her for 3 years before we got together and I never in a million years would have thought she would be BPD (Even though I didn't know what BPD was).  Well she is without a doubt!  Because she spoke highly of her exes my first thought was that I gave her BPD!  

Certainly her parents and family are aware that she has interpersonal relationship skills issues?  Mine never introduced me to her parents.  Hell, maybe the entire family had it.  I just can't see how this woman can be successful in her profession yet so incompetent in relationships and then not able to admit that she has a problem.  I think she knows she does because of the way she compartmentalizes her life.  She is always thinking about the future and how to protect herself from the stigma.

She had huge FOO issues including a probably NPD father and a likely BPDwaif mother. Younger brother was diagnosed bipolar or BPD come to think of it. All high functioning - on the outside everything was perfect. IRL their family life was plagued by narc outbursts of tyrannic father and martyrlike behavior of mother. Both parents used the kids as tools and go-betweens in their fights and arguments.

My waif-ex has destroyed her kids' father's life completely. She made sure he lost his kids (does not allow any contact) and his job (his license to practice MD work was withdrawn because of she lied about him towards the authorities). One of the first things she told me about the ex was that she hopes he would die soon. That't a pretty clear   isn't it... .Ignored. She's been to therapy for 7 years, although infrequent. I'm 100% sure she knows she has major issues but that clearly doesn't help her at all. She has no empathy whatsoever, and is barely able to control any major feelings, good or bad. She is clearly trying hard but she fails r/s after r/s. Her later exes all circle around her as "friends", who she takes from the back burner whenever a new r/s goes tits up, like with me. Sigh.

[Waifed]

She had huge FOO issues including a probably NPD father and a likely BPDwaif mother. Younger brother was diagnosed bipolar or BPD come to think of it. All high functioning - on the outside everything was perfect. IRL their family life was plagued by narc outbursts of tyrannic father and martyrlike behavior of mother. Both parents used the kids as tools and go-betweens in their fights and arguments.

My waif-ex has destroyed her kids' father's life completely. She made sure he lost his kids (does not allow any contact) and his job (his license to practice MD work was withdrawn because of she lied about him towards the authorities). One of the first things she told me about the ex was that she hopes he would die soon. That't a pretty clear   isn't it... .Ignored. She's been to therapy for 7 years, although infrequent. I'm 100% sure she knows she has major issues but that clearly doesn't help her at all. She has no empathy whatsoever, and is barely able to control any major feelings, good or bad. She is clearly trying hard but she fails r/s after r/s. Her later exes all circle around her as "friends", who she takes from the back burner whenever a new r/s goes tits up, like with me. Sigh.[/quote]
unfreakingbelievable

[KE151]

Oh yes Waifed, the power of denial gets even stronger when the whole family does it.