Is "No contact" is the best way to get someone to leave you alone?

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No contact" is the best way to get someone to leave you alone

Members said: Fact-65% | Legend-35%

  The is an urban legend.  

Interesting - 65% of those surveyed on the Leaving board identified this statement as fact.   Don't get us wrong - experts are not saying that No Contact (NC) is not a useful tool - it very much is.  But they are saying that it is creates a lot of inherent tensions on all parties, has a high failure rate, and is a tool of last resort.

As a community, we probably need to be more "centered" in our discussion and recommendations regarding it's use.  It has it's place - but we might be overselling a bit and going light on explaining the drawbacks and the "right ways" and "wrong ways" to do it.

Give Mature Advice. Extreme and absolute rejection of a person who has a high level of rejection sensitivity (BPD) creates a lot of tension.  Ever try to push a dog backward?  It instinctively pushes forward, even if forward is dangerous.  The same is true with people.

The following comments/responses were posted on the board by members:

NC is what cures us. ~ bpdfamily member [and many members said yes]

Things are bad with the wife at home.  I've decided to go No Contact.  ~ bpdfamily member [and many members agreed]

I blew it.  It's two years since we broke up and she text'd me that her father died.  I broke NC by expressing my condolences in an email about her father.~ bpdfamily member [members concurred that this was a mistake]

Hmmm... .actually the best tool for starting detachment process is controlled contact.

Controlled Contact. Experts suggest that the best way to break away is to "Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The pwBPD" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.".

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles10.htm

Controlled Contact works really well.  Often there is a little reaching by the other party at the beginning, but if we stay cool, the extinction burst depletes and the person lets go.

The biggest advantage of CC is that it phases detachment, a little at a time,  as both parties accept the distance.

No Contact and Avoidance Measures. Now sometimes we struggle to let go ourselves.  And if we are just too weak to do CC (I was), going NC and other avoidance tactics are great for a limited time to break our entanglement and emotional trauma.  

At the same time, however, it is important to recognize that avoidance tactics are temporary crutches to get us over the difficult times.  As soon as we can live without these crutches, we should - go back and attend the Church, go to the high school football games, go to favorite restaurants, respond to requests to return the cat, etc.

The downside of no contact is that the "absoluteness " of it often triggers abandonment anxiety in one or both parties.  It can trigger nonconstructive emotional coping, and even recycling as one or both parties start fighting against their inherit abandonment fears.  This is why it fails so often.

[rotiroti]

No contact" is the best way to get someone to leave you alone

Members said: Fact-65% | Legend-35%

  The is an urban legend.  

Interesting - 65% of those surveyed on the Leaving board identified this statement as fact.   Don't get us wrong - experts are not saying that No Contact (NC) is not a useful tool - it very much is.  But they are saying that it is creates a lot of inherent tensions on all parties, has a high failure rate, and is a tool of last resort.

As a community, we probably need to be more "centered" in our discussion and recommendations regarding it's use.  It has it's place - but we might be overselling a bit and going light on explaining the drawbacks and the "right ways" and "wrong ways" to do it.

Give Mature Advice. Extreme and absolute rejection of a person who has a high level of rejection sensitivity (BPD) creates a lot of tension.  Ever try to push a dog backward?  It instinctively pushes forward, even if forward is dangerous.  The same is true with people.

The following comments/responses were posted on the board by members:

NC is what cures us. ~ bpdfamily member [and many members said yes]

Things are bad with the wife at home.  I've decided to go No Contact.  ~ bpdfamily member [and many members agreed]

I blew it.  It's two years since we broke up and she text'd me that her father died.  I broke NC by expressing my condolences in an email about her father.~ bpdfamily member [members concurred that this was a mistake]

Hmmm... .actually the best tool for starting detachment process is controlled contact.

Controlled Contact. Experts suggest that the best way to break away is to "Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The pwBPD" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.".

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles10.htm

Controlled Contact works really well.  Often there is a little reaching by the other party at the beginning, but if we stay cool, the extinction burst depletes and the person lets go.

The biggest advantage of CC is that it phases detachment, a little at a time,  as both parties accept the distance.

No Contact and Avoidance Measures. Now sometimes we struggle to let go ourselves.  And if we are just too weak to do CC (I was), going NC and other avoidance tactics are great for a limited time to break our entanglement and emotional trauma.  

At the same time, however, it is important to recognize that avoidance tactics are temporary crutches to get us over the difficult times.  As soon as we can live without these crutches, we should - go back and attend the Church, go to the high school football games, go to favorite restaurants, respond to requests to return the cat, etc.

The downside of no contact is that the "absoluteness " of it often triggers abandonment anxiety in one or both parties.  It can trigger nonconstructive emotional coping, and even recycling as one or both parties start fighting against their inherit abandonment fears.  This is why it fails so often.

[rotiroti]

  Hey there everyone!

I saw this great post by skip on the Fact or urban legend post and wanted to make a separate post... .like many of you, I vote on the 'pro' side of no contact. So far I really believe it has given me the space to heal on my own, but being a month in I'm feeling like I created unnecessary stress -- I don't know if you guys remember but I was extremely guilty when my BPDex sent a really lucid and sincere apology letter to my parents. Validating my effort in the relationship and owning up to her end.

Still I wasn't ready and here I am a month later.

I feel like from the post on the 5 Stages of Abandonment (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=154676.0) I'm at the integration phase. I'm asking myself tons of what is questions... and frankly I'm pretty scared. I was following another thread where even after months of n/c, lingering attachment triggered anxiety. I think I would feel exactly the same! Perhaps I should put n/c to the side and try to detach with LC... .I'm not sure if that is at all even possible considering how I burned bridges when I left.

i'm keeping myself busy and have looked into my own co-dependency traits that I'm discovering, but I feel so weak the past few days. So many red flags in the past 10 years, yet I can only focus on the handful happy memories. I'm starting to think the 'absoluteness' of n/c is really detrimental.

[Skip]

... .like many of you, I vote on the 'pro' side of no contact

I have a tool box.  It has lots of tools in it.  I like them all.  I don't drive posts into the ground with a screwdriver and I don't clean dishes with the sledgehammer.  And I damn sure will never pick one tool as say it is the "holly grail" and throw the rest away. 

I don't know if you guys remember but I was extremely guilty when my BPDex sent a really lucid and sincere apology letter to my parents. Validating my effort in the relationship and owning up to her end.

It is huge that you are seeing this. This will go down as a great life lesson for you... .I'm sure you will remember it in future situations... .

Perhaps I should put n/c to the side and try to detach with LC... .I'm not sure if that is at all even possible considering how I burned bridges when I left.

And I know you are concerned about reaching out and over doing it.  Its a very valid concern.

LC is not C.  It is really about letting the other person come to you at their speed and you directing things away from the emotional / personal issues that were part of the past relationship.  Low contact is Happy Holiday, my dog died, how bout them Mets, sorry you were in a car accident.

If you send her a three sentence text, as lucid as her letter, that isn't designed for a response, everyone will start the healing process. It could be just... .Thanks for writing my parents - it was a good letter.  I didn't handle it well back then, but I didn't want to leave it unsaid - I respect you for how you handled things.

If she responds, give her a very simple "thanks. Appreciate that".  And let that sit with her (and you) for a long as it takes for her to reach back.

And be done.

Don't try to fast track back to being friends.  Just turn off the burner so that time will allow things to cool and then heal in a constructive way.

i'm keeping myself busy and have looked into my own co-dependency traits that I'm discovering, but I feel so weak the past few days. So many red flags in the past 10 years, yet I can only focus on the handful happy memories. I'm starting to think the 'absoluteness' of n/c is really detrimental.

If your feeling weak, its really important to know that she is not going to be the one to strengthen you.  This is a hard truth to swallow. The emotions she has experienced since the letter are very different than what your experienced and you likely not anywhere near the same place so don't risk it.  It is tempting to want to go back to her for healing.  In any relationship after the breakup, this is place that often yields a lot of hard feeling and heartaches.

Look to your support group to help you get over this.  Family. Trustworthy, mature friends.  Folks here.

[rotiroti]

If your feeling weak, its really important to know that she is not going to be the one to strengthen you.  This is a hard truth to swallow. The emotions she has experienced since the letter are very different than what your experienced and you likely not anywhere near the same place so don't risk it.  It is tempting to want to go back to her for healing.  In any relationship after the breakup, this is place that often yields a lot of hard feeling and heartaches.

Look to your support group to help you get over this.  Family. Trustworthy, mature friends.  Folks here.

Thanks Skip, always a pleasure to see your posts here.

Could you elaborate more on the quoted part? If I'm understanding you right, does it have to do with the object constancy and 'absence makes the heart grow colder' effect?

[Skip]

Why is she in a different place?

For her the breakup ending an engagement because it didn't feel right. It involved more than just you.  She let a lot of people down.  She obviously felt bad about it.

For you the breakup was an unexpected laser bomb in your cockpit.  You were just running full speed on the take off runway.

For her its about uncertainty, letting people down, humiliation... .

For you it was about abandonment... .

Are you ready to comfort her and tell her she did the right thing, that everyone will get over it, that when she finds the right person she'll know?

Probably not.

This same way, she isn't going to be able to tell you, it wasn't fair to you, that she handled it badly, that you really have a lot going as a couple, that this thing can be fixed.

I imagine it will take years to really figure out what happened here.  Why?  Obviously this was a very close decision for her to make - what was that deciding factor? Was in real? Imagined? A fear (not related to you)? 

I can't imagine the devastation, the embarrassment, and hurt you felt and are still feeling.

This is one of the most painful things that can happen to us in life.

[rotiroti]

Why is she in a different place?

For her the breakup ending an engagement because it didn't feel right. It involved more than just you.  She let a lot of people down.  She obviously felt bad about it.

For you the breakup was an unexpected laser bomb in your cockpit.  You were just running full speed on the take off runway.

For her its about uncertainty, letting people down, humiliation... .

For you it was about abandonment... .

Are you ready to comfort her and tell her she did the right thing, that everyone will get over it, that when she finds the right person she'll know?

Probably not.

This same way, she isn't going to be able to tell you, it wasn't fair to you, that she handled it badly, that you really have a lot going as a couple, that this thing can be fixed.

I imagine it will take years to really figure out what happened here.  Why?  Obviously this was a very close decision for her to make - what was that deciding factor? Was in real? Imagined? A fear (not related to you)? 

I can't imagine the devastation, the embarrassment, and hurt you felt and are still feeling.

This is one of the most painful things that can happen to us in life.

Skip... .thank you. Reading that really helped me process the pain and hurt from that day. Feels good to know I can still cry my eyes out at my age!

[WhatJustHappened?]

Switching gears and going back to the original question, I actually took a slightly different approach. I went NC for about 4 weeks to re-group. To be expected, my exBPDgf, would call and text me about once every week.

I finally got frustrated on the "cut and run" approach and let it loose as they say. I told her that I knew she had been lying to me and that I would never trust her again. She had no idea that I knew she had been lying and I'm guessing it hit her like a ton of bricks. It was almost like I matched 'crazy' with 'crazy'. After a couple last exchanges, it was done. No more contact.

This did a couple of things for me. One, it allowed me to feel like I stood up for myself and allowed me to vent. I know for pwBPD, it doesn't really sink in but for me it made all the difference. Two, I think my calm but accusatory, straight-to-the-point contact took her off guard and perhaps made the appearance of me being the crazy one.

Either way, it worked. I was concerned about some kind of retaliation but being that we live far apart, that never came to be. Never heard a word again.

[Infared]

Every situation is different.

After a 5-year live-in relationship I was deceived, betrayed and abandoned... .there was never any admission or consideration for the cheating... .and a lot of put downs and abusive behavior by both her and my replacement. Contact was Jekyll and Hyde... .mostly Hyde and immature stuff like "here's the candy... .but you can't have any". Ick... .and then the occasional trying to walk up to me in public like nothing ever happened?

It was painful as hell, but for me there was no way I was fielding any of that behavior. Never any responsibility taken, no admission, no apology. Just intense, self-centered whackiness.

Total NC was the option that my soul chose. There was no other choice. I lost a lot. I lost her her family and the home that I loved more than anything in my life... .but I really needed to do what I needed to do. I sought out a lot of support and was able to do it. Tough road.

[Sunfl0wer]

(I admit I'm having a hard time focusing today... .excuse me if I'm missing something)

I'm confused.

Are you saying you have been NC and are contemplating switching to LC?

The point of the thread was that NC is not about controlling their behavior, rather a tool for allowing detachment.

So you have been detaching by using NC currently?

Why do you think LC or rather more than NC would expedite that process more than NC?

You are essentially increasing your level of engagement hoping this will help you to focus more on your own growth in successfully detaching emotionally? 

Please clarify if I am just plain lost here.

[rotiroti]

(I admit I'm having a hard time focusing today... .excuse me if I'm missing something)

I'm confused.

Are you saying you have been NC and are contemplating switching to LC?

The point of the thread was that NC is not about controlling their behavior, rather a tool for allowing detachment.

So you have been detaching by using NC currently?

Why do you think LC or rather more than NC would expedite that process more than NC?

You are essentially increasing your level of engagement hoping this will help you to focus more on your own growth in successfully detaching emotionally? 

Please clarify if I am just plain lost here.

Hey there Sunfl0wer, always a pleasure to see your thoughtful responses throughout the board.

You are correct that I have been using n/c as a tool for allowing detachment. It's been about 4 weeks now and overall it's going well. I was able to clean out some of our mutual items like photos and was not triggered. It was great to see the memories and not feel the pang of the emotions of those moments.

As I am detaching I was feeling that I created unnecessary tension by going n/c. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I was thinking that if I were to start LC, let her know that I'm ok, her apology letter was appreciated, and that no one's at fault for the broken engagement, it would be a step towards everyone healing.

Your concern is exactly why I am hesitant, while the thread by skip makes sense to me (tidying up loose ends to move on), I think I might still be far from having fully detached.

Thoughts? Thank you again Sun!

Switching gears and going back to the original question, I actually took a slightly different approach. I went NC for about 4 weeks to re-group. To be expected, my exBPDgf, would call and text me about once every week.

I finally got frustrated on the "cut and run" approach and let it loose as they say. I told her that I knew she had been lying to me and that I would never trust her again. She had no idea that I knew she had been lying and I'm guessing it hit her like a ton of bricks. It was almost like I matched 'crazy' with 'crazy'. After a couple last exchanges, it was done. No more contact.

This did a couple of things for me. One, it allowed me to feel like I stood up for myself and allowed me to vent. I know for pwBPD, it doesn't really sink in but for me it made all the difference. Two, I think my calm but accusatory, straight-to-the-point contact took her off guard and perhaps made the appearance of me being the crazy one.

Either way, it worked. I was concerned about some kind of retaliation but being that we live far apart, that never came to be. Never heard a word again.

Wow what just happened, that's uncanny timing. I am also at 4 weeks and wanted to stop with n/c for similar reasons. That's great that there was closure on your end

[Sunfl0wer]

As I am detaching I was feeling that I created unnecessary tension by going n/c.

Where is this unnecessary tension?

If you are NC... .there is no tension other than the tension you create within yourself. That is a bonus of NC... .you do not switch focus on the partner and when you question yourself... .is it me?  The answer is always ... .a resounding... .yes!  When you are left alone, there is only you to work on.  There is a sense of freedom with that... .because you are free to focus solely on your own issues without distraction or confusing things with hers.

PS...

Hey there Sunfl0wer, always a pleasure to see your thoughtful responses throughout the board.

thanks!  I needed that today .

[WhatJustHappened?]

rotiroti, can you elaborate on your situation? I am quite curious. Did you take the same approach as I did for the same reasons?

[rotiroti]

As I am detaching I was feeling that I created unnecessary tension by going n/c.

Where is this unnecessary tension?

If you are NC... .there is no tension other than the tension you create within yourself. That is a bonus of NC... .you do not switch focus on the partner and when you question yourself... .is it me?  The answer is always ... .a resounding... .yes!  When you are left alone, there is only you to work on.  There is a sense of freedom with that... .because you are free to focus solely on your own issues without distraction or confusing things with hers.

PS...

Hey there Sunfl0wer, always a pleasure to see your thoughtful responses throughout the board.

thanks!  I needed that today .

Thank you for that perspective Sunfl0wer! That's very true, I was sitting here wondering where all this tension was and how my ex must be feeling and so on, but it's me... .causing the tension! And I think that tension is coming from how I deal with guilt. If I've learned anything from this experience it's that no one should be responsible for how another person feels, but it's a hard lesson to swallow. Your input definitely put me back on the level.

Also, did you find your footing after yesterday? I meant to reply to your post about doing normal things to even out, but I think you already had a solid plan. Yoga, outdoors, keeping busy... .fantastic!

[rotiroti]

rotiroti, can you elaborate on your situation? I am quite curious. Did you take the same approach as I did for the same reasons?

Heya, sure! I'll keep it as brief as possible:

-Started dating a friend of 10 years, everything appears perfect. We've had years to know each other

-Asked to move in at 1 month, but keep it long distance for 7 months with visits every month.

-We said we loved each other at month 1, discussed marriage and kids (we're in our 30s so we were 'sure'

-Drove across the states to move in and got engaged. Everything is super

- I had always suspected BPD but i think in my infatuation I overlooked it. When everything started to implode, I had a gut feeling something wasn't right. I researched, took a step back, and saw the many red flags -- not just for BPD but things I found incompatible with me (let's face it, I have my own issues too) I left while she was at work. Left a loving note that reminded me of what LimboFL wrote in his thread. I'm actually really glad I didn't get mad or try to explain things, it would have been pointless otherwise. We've exchanged a call here or two after but I soon went n/c.

Over the weeks she wrote to my parents (who love her) and her dad wrote to them as well... .our families are close. When I heard about them I was petrified, surely they were going to be scathing letters about how I could've cut and run or hurt their daughter/her.

However... .

The worst part was that those letters were actually really kind and validating my actions. Part of the reason I want to break n/c is to let them know that we're adults who decided the engagement wouldn't work and that everyone will get over it. Especially now after 4 weeks of n/c I feel like I've really detached much of the emotions from the whole ordeal. I'm glad you wrote in this post, because i think 4 weeks of wondering how healing is going on her end is on my mind.

Like sunfl0wer says, perhaps i'm not fully ready to change n/c without risk of engagement. I'm getting there, but not quite yet. I think when I do feel ready from continued n/c I will take your route into consideration, just let everything be known (positives and negatives both)

[Invictus01]

I think a restraining order is the best way to get someone to leave you alone... . 

[Sunfl0wer]

Thx, rotiroti,

I actually do not have a solid plan.  I am floundering this evening.

Idk, some days/nights are tough.

Thx!

~SF

[Skip]

I was sitting here wondering where all this tension was and how my ex must be feeling and so on, but it's me... .causing the tension! And I think that tension is coming from how I deal with guilt. If I've learned anything from this experience it's that no one should be responsible for how another person feels, but it's a hard lesson to swallow.

Are we mixing a general discussion here with a very specific discussion - it might not be helping. The whole NC vs LC debate in many ways is silly - its like a home builder debating screwdriver or hammer.  The minute the tool becomes the goal, we are probably chasing our tail a bit.

rotiroti, the issue is, as I understand it, is that you ex was lucid at the end, and you were very emotional (over a canceled engagement, and huge hurt).

The question is whether to apologize or not... .and now or later.

The issues are whether you have the strength right now to do it without opening the wound or trying to reach too far... .or maybe even have expectations of a response.

The decision really needs to balance the issues.  If you are uncertain or over-thinking the how, it's a good idea to set a future date and re-evaluate. There is no time pressure at this point.  The reason I say set a date on the calendar is so that you don't spend weeks thinking about it. That's attachment - and you're trying to detach. That's top on the list.

[Sunfl0wer]

I feel like there may be some missing info here... .I'm not sure what it is.

Anyway... .

I wonder if you are saying that detaching is painful, you are in the questioning phase of abandonment and therefore not feeling as resolved in your original decision of NC.

However, you are also saying that NC HAS been, in fact, working for you, therefore you do have evidence that it is a good decision for you.

However, you are feeling this tension and want relief of this tension and think maybe LC will give you that relief?

So if I am following correctly, your issues is that you are finding detaching painful, thus to relieve yourself of the pain, you want to reach out to form a minor attachment to soothe the feelings of insecurity that detaching is causing?

You also expressed fear of her rejecting you over "burned bridges" which also indicates to me a desire for some minor attachment to ease the detaching pain.

Or is this about an urge to apologize?

I'm confused.

Are you wanting LC as a way to engage and stop the pain of healing during detaching?

Or are you wanting LC as a way to detach and promote your healing?

In any event... .

My current opinion is not proNC or proLC, but rather, proWhatEverWorksToHelpYOUToHeal and take the best care of yourself and proBeHonstWithYourself whatever path you choose.

I think the most important thing, more important than NC, LC or full contact, is figuring out if you are being completely honest with yourself... .that whatever path you decide in your healing... .choose it with open eyes and continue to be self aware of the possibilities with the choices you make.

[rotiroti]

rotiroti, the issue is, as I understand it, is that you ex was lucid at the end, and you were very emotional (over a canceled engagement, and huge hurt).

Bingo, and from that hurt I went to n/c and felt guilty, but do not feel that I have the strength to apologize on my end without opening the wound or trying to reach too far like you mentioned

The question is whether to apologize or not... .and now or later.

The issues are whether you have the strength right now to do it without opening the wound or trying to reach too far... .or maybe even have expectations of a response.

The decision really needs to balance the issues.  If you are uncertain or over-thinking the how, it's a good idea to set a future date and re-evaluate. There is no time pressure at this point.  The reason I say set a date on the calendar is so that you don't spend weeks thinking about it. That's attachment - and you're trying to detach. That's top on the list.

Thanks Skip! You are absolutely right, pondering daily is definitely not helping me. That's a great idea about setting up a date to make a decision. I have a licensing exam coming up and I need to focus on.

Could you elaborate about the time pressure? I was concerned about waiting too long to apologize (if that makes sense)

[rotiroti]

I wonder if you are saying that detaching is painful, you are in the questioning phase of abandonment and therefore not feeling as resolved in your original decision of NC.

Hi sunfl0wer, thank you for putting words to what I'm feeling... .I am definitely feeling torn due to feeling different about n/c after 4 weeks. I am questioning myself as in if I tried hard enough or if I had left too pre-emptively.

However, you are feeling this tension and want relief of this tension and think maybe LC will give you that relief?

Or is this about an urge to apologize?

I grouped these 2 together. I want to apologize for the hurt I may have caused on my end (see my response to Skip) and I believe LC would be a good way to go about it. But then again reading your response reminds me that I'm not quite ready. And you are absolutely right, NC has been working for me and the tension/urge to apologize I'm feeling is my inner voice.

My current opinion is not proNC or proLC, but rather, proWhatEverWorksToHelpYOUToHeal and take the best care of yourself and proBeHonstWithYourself whatever path you choose.

I love this! When I first came to this site, I was hurting and was looking for a similar case so I could follow a step-by-step on how to heal. I think detaching with NC has allowed me to understand that healing is unique and different for everyone

I think the most important thing, more important than NC, LC or full contact, is figuring out if you are being completely honest with yourself... .that whatever path you decide in your healing... .choose it with open eyes and continue to be self aware of the possibilities with the choices you make.

Thank you that was really powerful. To be honest, I think there is a part of me that wants to go back. Keeping n/c for me has worked for me and I think maintaining is important for me on the detachment process. Perhaps when I'm completely detached, I can apologize... .I feel so impatient as if there was a time limit on this kind of stuff!