Adult kids believing "victim" story of BPD mother

[Barnabus]

What do you do when the suspected BPD wife becomes the "innocent" victim once husband finally leaves and the adult kids believe it and alienated the father?

[Turkish]

Can you tell us the history and how it went down? How did she paint herself a victim and how old are the kids?

[Notwendy]

Read about the Karpman triangle- this type of triangulation seems to be common and can play out in a number of combinations of people.

I've experienced this kind of dynamic with my BPD mother. Unfortunately, it can damage relationships.

I'm her "scapegoat child". A while back, she was angry at me and told a lot of lies about me to her FOO. They rallied to "her side".  In the triangle model, she was victim, they were rescuer, and I was persecutor.

She told them to stop speaking to me and they did. I was very hurt by this- these were aunts, uncles who I thought cared about me. It was also embarrassing to think they believed the lies she told them.

What to do was a dilemma. If I spoke out about the lies- then I was speaking badly about her. They wouldn't know who to believe. It was possible they'd believe her, and I would then make the lies believable by being the one to speak out against her and call her a liar.

I decided on one course- truth, and time. I didn't say anything, didn't retaliate. I hoped in time, they would see the truth. It was very hurtful to just move on but I did. I did see them from time to time, and always remained cordial and polite. Recently, one of them tried to reach out to me and then another one spoke to me. I think they've seen a bigger picture of her. I don't know as I don't bring her up. I won't discuss her with them. It's triangulation if I do. Our relationship is strained on my part. I need to believe they are honest with me, and I don't know that yet.

I know it is hard to have your children do this. If they are adults though, there isn't much you can do - they think for themselves, but I think these two things- truth and time- will make it evident that what their mother said about you isn't entirely true and her own behavior with them will show itself in time.

Don't triangulate and don't retaliate. Keep the door open with the children. I don't know how old they are, or if you are helping them with college expenses but don't do anything different. They have their own feelings about the split. Be their father regardless. If they don't speak to you, send them cards- on their birthdays, holidays. Tell them you love them and that they can contact you any time. Don't speak badly about their mother.

If they ask what happened,  own your part in it. The relationship did take two- you did your part to make things not work. . Be honest, keep your integrity, and be authentic. Learn about your part in the dysfunction they grew up in and make the changes you need to do for that. A parent - child bond is strong. You are still their father. Hopefully in time they will come around.

There may be other ways to do this, but this is the only way I knew to do it. In time, my mother's behavior has become apparent to others. I think in time your children would see the larger picture. It wasn't just you, or her, but both of you.

[zachira]

It hurts like hell when your wife with BPD is able to manipulate your children into believing the lies she tells about you. Like Notwendy, I am the scapegoat of the family and many of my relatives and family friends have often believed the lies told about me. I am one of many scapegoats on both sides of the family, and I have seen how some people are able to see both sides after a period of time. It is key to continue being the best person you can be, and to treat your children with respect and kindness, despite what your children are accusing you of. I went to therapy for years and years and the better self esteem that I acquired allows me to respond in respectful ways and now many people don't believe the terrible things that they hear about me (though some do and always will). Over time the behaviors of my family members with BPD and NPD have gotten worse, and their lies are not as believable as they once were. I have no doubt that more of your wife's bad behaviors will seep through the cracks, and your children will likely see that there is more than one side to the stories. My heart goes out to you as a father who loves his children, and of course, you want to have your children continue to be an important part of your life and your children to see that you are not the kind of person to do to anyone the kind of things your wife is accusing you of.

[GlennT]

Whoever you are, you have my deepest sympathy. Playing the "poor mother-victim" is the ultimate mind-f*** they can do.

[Barnabus]

Thanks for the replies. I have adopted a love them unconditionally approach, and refuse to badmouth their mother. Kids are ages 31-38. After separation for about 4 months, and years of issues, including her walking out twice and throwing (trying once) me out twice, I told her I was done and I wasn't coming back. About 2 month later I had contact with ex-wife from 40 years ago. Story was concocted that I had had an "affair" for a long time (not true at all), and she spread the story and many people including the kids believed it. Had NEVER been unfaithful to her in over 30 years of traveling alone. Kids are lukewarm at best but not totally alienated. Have grandkids that I dearly love.

[zachira]

I don't know if you should tell the kids you never had an affair. If you did, it would have to be at the right moment and when you know you would likely be heard. For example, my siblings kicked me out of Christmas in 2017. I could not tell my mother they did because of all the problems it would cause. Recently mom asked me to take care of her for a week so my brother could  take a rest. I explained to her that my brother would never allow that. She then made a comment which acknowledges she knows that there are problems between my brother and I, so I now feel she understands to a certain degree why I can't stay at her house anymore. Hopefully, you will get an opening like that with your children and be able to discredit the lies being told about you, as it is so hurtful and damaging to the trust between you that they would believe you had an affair when you did not. You seem to be doing everything you can to have a good relationship with your children, and part of having a good relationship can involve discussing secrets that are impacting trust in negative ways.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Barnabus, Welcome!  Unfortunately those w/BPD can be quite convincing and it's hard for children, even adult children, to get past the blame and demonizing.  I should know, because I'm currently alienated from my kids.

I have never disparaged my BPDxW to my kids and assume they can figure it out for themselves, from their own observations.  I let my older son know that I'm ready to tell my side of the story when he is ready to hear it (so far, he has declined).

My Ex, like many of those w/BPD, has no regard for boundaries, particularly what she shares with the kids.  Instead, she perpetuates the abuse by manipulation in order to deprive my kids of my love, which is sad for me.

LuckyJim

[zachira]

One of the  challenges for children who have a parent with BPD is the parent with BPD expects blind loyalty.

[Barnabus]

Has anyone experienced a BPD going to the church with their "victim" narrative and they believe it and start judging the true victim who has been made the villain?

[Lucky Jim]

One of the  challenges for children who have a parent with BPD is the parent with BPD expects blind loyalty.

Agree, Zachira, which is why I empathize with my kids, who are in a difficult situation.  They are scared to show affection for me, because it could be interpreted by my BPDxW as disloyalty.

LW