Picking up the pieces-fresh breakup

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After a couple months or so of lurking the boards, reading online incessantly, and trying my best to process this all I figured I'm overdue to reach out to you fine people who can relate all too well to what others have experienced in relationships with BPDs. I've often said to a couple close friends that I've been able to vent to in recent times that "I could talk for days" (on this subject/my relationship as it relates to me connecting the dots and actually educating myself on this disorder.) I'm could go in great depth but will try to keep it fairly short and will fill you in on more details and respond to the feedback of those who reach out. Forgive me if it seems choppy.

So my now dBPDex and I were together in total 6-7 months. (Bless you guys/gals who are in much longer relationships and married to those suffering from this.) We are both and in our late 20s and live in a small town. I truly feel my relationship is different in a lot of ways from the common BPD stories I've read about for a few reasons (as well as ridiculously similar in a lot of ways), and I know all people suffering with this vary and its definitely a unique case by case thing but the two main reasons I say/believe that are because my dBPDex is a very low functioning BPD. (Doesnt drive, cant hold down a job, lives with parents and has traveled very little.) The second being that she told me within the first week of dating the she has this diagnosis. I'm wondering how many people actually are told by their BPD partner this flat out? Because it seems many are seeing someone undiagonosed? Which would make it that much harder id imagine. Unfortunately I didn't do the research I should've on what this actually meant and ignored red flags along the way. These two reasons alone have added to the FOG I've experienced quite a bit.

First and foremost I want to say that I still care for this girl tremendously. While she has done some dirty things in attempts to make me jealous and certainly selfishly wore me out for quite a while during the splitting process, I don't hate her, I won't let that consume me, and though I'm not going to give her this free pass and make excuses, I know she is suffering extremely hard and that I wouldn't wish what she experiences on anyone, because she's definitely very sick. She never cheated on me (literally one of the only boundaries I/we made clear at the beginning of the relationship when getting to really know each other. That neither would tolerate that.) And she never lied to me (that I really know of) in any major ways. The exception being she made it seem like she didnt still live with her parents which i came to realize later was false. Was also flat honest with me on her BPD and other co morbid dealings which I really do respect of her. Wish I hadn't been so matter of fact about it and did the research so I could've been more helpful when signs pointed to BPD traits.

Honeymoon phase went for about 2-3 months, which I understand is a common time frame and you betcha, she found out I wasn't perfect. Unfortunately she suffers from many common co morbid illnesses and life experiences. (Chronic depression which see takes medication and sees a therapist for, she changed depression medication mid way and i know this reaked havoc, has a chronic ED, major self esteem/self image issues, was sexually abused at a young age, father who abandoned her and really awful family life.) Man, she's had it rough but deep down I do believe she's a wonderful person. We do share a lot of the same interests and opinions, not just mirroring. That coupled with her absolutely beautiful appearance and the heavy love bombing on a person like me who is more aware of his codependency issues than ever its no wonder we jumped into things like we did. I've only had two other serious relationships growing up and have dated very little in the years since college so being shown so much passion and adoration early on made it easy to look past her faults and short comings. Especially since they weren't yet surfacing and I was so unfamiliar with the battles/storms raging inside her day in and day out.

Splitting occurred after the first few months and verbal spats came about. A major theme that was reoccurring throughout was her use of social media and partially my lack of. My lack of being i didnt change our 'relationship status' for all to see and didnt post pictures of us out of fear that shed be uncomfortable due to body issues. She doesnt have many friends online, many she does are people in other parts of the country that i believe she knows from support groups or just randomly found searching online. Few friends at all in person. There was one guy in particular who she had been talking with before we met and would constantly like pictures of her on Facebook. Though I admit I can be a jealous guy, I was never forceful or gave her any ultimatums or much of a hard time. In fact I stated my case on that early on in letting her know it was bothersome which she assured me i had nothing to worry about (he lived out of state but was from our hometown, where they had met the year before) but she would use against me down the line a handful of times. Drawing attention to herself, liking pictures of him at the exact days where we were arguing or having trouble,etc.

So in the final month or so of us being 'together' I believe/know there was a lot of guilt on her end. She was definitely feeling dread and I think a lot of it was that I had her figured out. Hearing me say things will get better in response to her telling me how awful things are and what shes feeling began to really bother her and eventually mean nothing. What else could i say though? I was trying to be realisitic snd supportive but it became a lose-lose. Her stepfather is a major POS and expressed disapproval of me throughout so I know she was living in guilt there as well and he was feeding her head constantly. We eventually got into spats last month where, she told me flat out the "wall wasn't coming down until I could be right for her" and "it's not fair/you're not going to change." It seemed like it was all but done, I told her I know she's suffering and ill be there for her, she was projecting on me saying I had issues and I called her out on her own with her need of approval from strangers online. She threatened to delete me off Facebook but never had the nerve to do it. She likes some random good looking guys photos who lives on the other side of the country and a few weeks ago they have a back and forth with obvious commenting/flirting. For my own protection not wanting to see that one night and in some ways to send a clear signal of my disapproval I unfriended her. Before that and while we were talking still there was a lot of posting song lyrics and things that scream 'i still care sbout you' and 'dont leave me/i need help' so the FOG is very much there. Post that shes made desperate attempts to make me jealous via mutual friends that I see their content online. I know that infatuation with this new FP won't pan out and because she's so low functioning I don't see them as a real possibility. I know she wouldn't be able to do a long distance thing but will she keep him on the back burner and use it as a coping mechanism during this difficult time, sure she will. And of course it happend without skipping a beat so man does it hurt/confuse.

So here I am, a reached out a couple times a few weeks back just to let her know I understand in part where she's at (as well that ill never truly understand but am empathetic) and I don't want the self fulfilling prophecy of me abandoning her to come to fruition. It's been a couple weeks of full no contact and of course I'm anxious and troubled, trying to do my best, make sense of this mess and heal in part. Would I take her back if a recycle were to happen, yes but of course I would want there to be serious discussion, accountability and her commitment to DBT or willingness to make the effort. Is that something she's capable of? I'm not sure unfortunately. Being friends down the line I would seriously like though I know I'm wanting her more than that since its so fresh. But really I feel for her, I'm a caring person and I don't like the idea of turning my back on someone so sick.

There are a lot more bullet points I could include and details I could insert but this is going way long. Thanks for reading. Open to suggestions on whether I should make final attempts to reach out down the line when she may appear back to baseline and more willing to hear me out?

[tornANDfrayed]

After a couple months or so of lurking the boards, reading online incessantly, and trying my best to process this all I figured I'm overdue to reach out to you fine people who can relate all too well to what others have experienced in relationships with BPDs. I've often said to a couple close friends that I've been able to vent to in recent times that "I could talk for days" (on this subject/my relationship as it relates to me connecting the dots and actually educating myself on this disorder.) I'm could go in great depth but will try to keep it fairly short and will fill you in on more details and respond to the feedback of those who reach out. Forgive me if it seems choppy.

So my now dBPDex and I were together in total 6-7 months. (Bless you guys/gals who are in much longer relationships and married to those suffering from this.) We are both and in our late 20s and live in a small town. I truly feel my relationship is different in a lot of ways from the common BPD stories I've read about for a few reasons (as well as ridiculously similar in a lot of ways), and I know all people suffering with this vary and its definitely a unique case by case thing but the two main reasons I say/believe that are because my dBPDex is a very low functioning BPD. (Doesnt drive, cant hold down a job, lives with parents and has traveled very little.) The second being that she told me within the first week of dating the she has this diagnosis. I'm wondering how many people actually are told by their BPD partner this flat out? Because it seems many are seeing someone undiagonosed? Which would make it that much harder id imagine. Unfortunately I didn't do the research I should've on what this actually meant and ignored red flags along the way. These two reasons alone have added to the FOG I've experienced quite a bit.

First and foremost I want to say that I still care for this girl tremendously. While she has done some dirty things in attempts to make me jealous and certainly selfishly wore me out for quite a while during the splitting process, I don't hate her, I won't let that consume me, and though I'm not going to give her this free pass and make excuses, I know she is suffering extremely hard and that I wouldn't wish what she experiences on anyone, because she's definitely very sick. She never cheated on me (literally one of the only boundaries I/we made clear at the beginning of the relationship when getting to really know each other. That neither would tolerate that.) And she never lied to me (that I really know of) in any major ways. The exception being she made it seem like she didnt still live with her parents which i came to realize later was false. Was also flat honest with me on her BPD and other co morbid dealings which I really do respect of her. Wish I hadn't been so matter of fact about it and did the research so I could've been more helpful when signs pointed to BPD traits.

Honeymoon phase went for about 2-3 months, which I understand is a common time frame and you betcha, she found out I wasn't perfect. Unfortunately she suffers from many common co morbid illnesses and life experiences. (Chronic depression which see takes medication and sees a therapist for, she changed depression medication mid way and i know this reaked havoc, has a chronic ED, major self esteem/self image issues, was sexually abused at a young age, father who abandoned her and really awful family life.) Man, she's had it rough but deep down I do believe she's a wonderful person. We do share a lot of the same interests and opinions, not just mirroring. That coupled with her absolutely beautiful appearance and the heavy love bombing on a person like me who is more aware of his codependency issues than ever its no wonder we jumped into things like we did. I've only had two other serious relationships growing up and have dated very little in the years since college so being shown so much passion and adoration early on made it easy to look past her faults and short comings. Especially since they weren't yet surfacing and I was so unfamiliar with the battles/storms raging inside her day in and day out.

Splitting occurred after the first few months and verbal spats came about. A major theme that was reoccurring throughout was her use of social media and partially my lack of. My lack of being i didnt change our 'relationship status' for all to see and didnt post pictures of us out of fear that shed be uncomfortable due to body issues. She doesnt have many friends online, many she does are people in other parts of the country that i believe she knows from support groups or just randomly found searching online. Few friends at all in person. There was one guy in particular who she had been talking with before we met and would constantly like pictures of her on Facebook. Though I admit I can be a jealous guy, I was never forceful or gave her any ultimatums or much of a hard time. In fact I stated my case on that early on in letting her know it was bothersome which she assured me i had nothing to worry about (he lived out of state but was from our hometown, where they had met the year before) but she would use against me down the line a handful of times. Drawing attention to herself, liking pictures of him at the exact days where we were arguing or having trouble,etc.

So in the final month or so of us being 'together' I believe/know there was a lot of guilt on her end. She was definitely feeling dread and I think a lot of it was that I had her figured out. Hearing me say things will get better in response to her telling me how awful things are and what shes feeling began to really bother her and eventually mean nothing. What else could i say though? I was trying to be realisitic snd supportive but it became a lose-lose. Her stepfather is a major POS and expressed disapproval of me throughout so I know she was living in guilt there as well and he was feeding her head constantly. We eventually got into spats last month where, she told me flat out the "wall wasn't coming down until I could be right for her" and "it's not fair/you're not going to change." It seemed like it was all but done, I told her I know she's suffering and ill be there for her, she was projecting on me saying I had issues and I called her out on her own with her need of approval from strangers online. She threatened to delete me off Facebook but never had the nerve to do it. She likes some random good looking guys photos who lives on the other side of the country and a few weeks ago they have a back and forth with obvious commenting/flirting. For my own protection not wanting to see that one night and in some ways to send a clear signal of my disapproval I unfriended her. Before that and while we were talking still there was a lot of posting song lyrics and things that scream 'i still care sbout you' and 'dont leave me/i need help' so the FOG is very much there. Post that shes made desperate attempts to make me jealous via mutual friends that I see their content online. I know that infatuation with this new FP won't pan out and because she's so low functioning I don't see them as a real possibility. I know she wouldn't be able to do a long distance thing but will she keep him on the back burner and use it as a coping mechanism during this difficult time, sure she will. And of course it happend without skipping a beat so man does it hurt/confuse.

So here I am, a reached out a couple times a few weeks back just to let her know I understand in part where she's at (as well that ill never truly understand but am empathetic) and I don't want the self fulfilling prophecy of me abandoning her to come to fruition. It's been a couple weeks of full no contact and of course I'm anxious and troubled, trying to do my best, make sense of this mess and heal in part. Would I take her back if a recycle were to happen, yes but of course I would want there to be serious discussion, accountability and her commitment to DBT or willingness to make the effort. Is that something she's capable of? I'm not sure unfortunately. Being friends down the line I would seriously like though I know I'm wanting her more than that since its so fresh. But really I feel for her, I'm a caring person and I don't like the idea of turning my back on someone so sick.

There are a lot more bullet points I could include and details I could insert but this is going way long. Thanks for reading. Open to suggestions on whether I should make final attempts to reach out down the line when she may appear back to baseline and more willing to hear me out?

[Hisaccount]

Very sorry to hear that and we all know how much you are hurting.

The hardest part to remember is you are dealing with a broken mind. This is not some rational person we can hammer out a deal with.
It is their world and we can only do our best to navigate it, but we often get lost in there as well.

If she knows she is sick, then is she seeking treatment?
If she is committed to treatment then it is not hopeless, but it will still be tough road.

You can't fix her. You can't help her, unless she wants the help. But help needs to have clear boundaries.

I know the facebook one. I was so sick and tired of those arguments I deleted everything, same with every website we had been on together. Swore I would never go back.
Then she begs you to come back. LOL

[Harley Quinn]

Welcome tornANDfrayed  

I'm glad you found us, whilst sorry to hear of your reason to.  Your post does have similarities to my own story.  My ex was lower functioning diagnosed and told me openly before we got together.  Also had co morbid diagnoses.  May I ask how fresh the breakup is?  Are you classing unfriending her as breaking up, just for my understanding and how long ago was this?  

Would I take her back if a recycle were to happen, yes but of course I would want there to be serious discussion, accountability and her commitment to DBT or willingness to make the effort. Is that something she's capable of? I'm not sure unfortunately. Being friends down the line I would seriously like though I know I'm wanting her more than that since its so fresh. But really I feel for her, I'm a caring person and I don't like the idea of turning my back on someone so sick... .

... .Open to suggestions on whether I should make final attempts to reach out down the line when she may appear back to baseline and more willing to hear me out?

How were things left when you last communicated?  :)id you two ever discuss her willingness to enter into treatment?  It's natural to feel uneasy and guilty about leaving someone who functions so poorly, especially if we adopted a caretaker role (which I certainly did, as a self confessed codependent), however it's important not to lose sight of our own well being and so I'd encourage you to consider whether it is possible for you to look after your own needs whilst meeting hers as a partner.  What would be your ideal situation from here?

Love and light x

 

[tornANDfrayed]

The hardest part to remember is you are dealing with a broken mind. This is not some rational person we can hammer out a deal with.
It is their world and we can only do our best to navigate it, but we often get lost in there as well.

If she knows she is sick, then is she seeking treatment?
If she is committed to treatment then it is not hopeless, but it will still be tough road.

You can't fix her. You can't help her, unless she wants the help. But help needs to have clear boundaries. 

Thanks for the reply hisaccount!

I definitely have had moments, good and bad, where I understand clearly that she's broken and that it was a long road before I met her that lead her to the state she is in. That's definitely helped me depersonalize and accept some of intentional jabs at trying to make me jealous. But still makes me feel sorry for her nonetheless. Though you're right, I know in my head there's no working with someone who refuses help and at the end of the day taking care of me is most important.

She sees a therapist for depression once a week but I'm not sure how much the specific BPD traits are mentioned if at all. The sessions were 20 and 40 minutes I believe. We talked openly of that and I remember mentioning 'how much can actually be accomplished in such a short time?' because it seemed like (to me as an outsider) that was barely enough time to get settled in a room and generate a meaningful conversation/session. Of course this was said in a caring manner and I was certainly on her side (she knew this) because she had expressed dissatisfaction with this therapist. I'm not sure how capable/qualified this therapist was of treating someone like my dBPDex. I know she didn't feel some of the sessions were that productive and like her therapist wasn't as caring as she ought to be. Also her parents would take her to her appointments, often with arguing/bickering before and after so I'm sure any slight improvements or productive thoughts were diminished or interrupted. They really are preventing her growth/healing and we've talked of it but it becomes too much for her to think of and it's like she feels hopeless.

The sad part with the Facebook/social media issue is she'll just look at random people and she doesn't have many friends. Seeing people from high school make progress and achieve milestones is likely upsetting. People 'liking' her photos and posts is exciting for her and gives her a better sense of self worth, if only temporarily, but again without many friends were talking like 5-10 people max each time. Ive seen her delete posts because noone liked it im assuming. Often if its music or a quote or something interesting she's into just a few likes where as if its a picture of her beautiful face (sometimes faking a smile) then there will be closer to 10. And wouldn't you know, it's always the same couple guys liking the pictures of her instead of the posts that more so make her who she is/what she enjoys. Crummy. As you may know or can imagine birthdays for someone in this position when only a few people reach out can be a bummer.

[tornANDfrayed]

 May I ask how fresh the breakup is?  Are you classing unfriending her as breaking up, just for my understanding and how long ago was this?  

How were things left when you last communicated?  :)id you two ever discuss her willingness to enter into treatment?  It's natural to feel uneasy and guilty about leaving someone who functions so poorly, especially if we adopted a caretaker role (which I certainly did, as a self confessed codependent), however it's important not to lose sight of our own well being and so I'd encourage you to consider whether it is possible for you to look after your own needs whilst meeting hers as a partner.  What would be your ideal situation from here?

Love and light x

 

Hi Harley Quinn, thank you for reaching out!

We broke up around the end of start of September, so about a month ago. As you're probably familiar the words "were done" weren't really mentioned at first as its my understanding they don't deal well with finality. There were days where I gave her space and made it clear the reason why. It had gotten to the point where she was withdrawn and talking so much less compared to what she expected for months there with constant texting. Days where I was too busy with work to reach out every hour she was definitely bothered by. Likely deals with object constancy issues. Getting off the phone (as well as talking on it most of the time) was noticeably uncomfortable for her. Dropping her off at the end of the night she would have a bummed look sometimes, even if our night was great but I think more so/largely because of her crap family life in addition to not having me there. She knew she was keeping me up late into the night when I had to work early the next morning and this also weighed on her. I know probably sees where  she was too needy and maybe felt she was letting me down and I really think the guilt got to her in some ways.

So when we last communicated things were not well. There was a lot of me telling her I was willing to do what it takes and her projecting things and her thinking I wasn't capable of changing. I had accepted a lot of things early on by not enforcing boundaries and in part she had convinced me that 'I wasn't being right for her' and of course taking on the role of the victim. The problem was there was a ton of guess work/mind reading to be done and the times I wasn't ridiculously patient in the months before (when I wasn't as well read on the illness) she likely couldn't shake and of course some devaluing probably occurred. I was never too harsh because thats really not who i am but there were times in a silly, and I mean silllllly argument/spat, that most people who can regulate emotions would move on from without thinking twice where i said "but why are wasting time on this, this is ridiculous!" And she would reply sarcastically with "these are my emotions, so ridiculous, I know!" There was a handful of JADE'ing on my end when I didn't understand it better as well. During the final time we talked mid September I had no contact a couple days and she asked for me to drop off her clothes and items left at my house (I understand this is common too). We basically argued and she projected on me. I called her out on her self worth issues(in part meaning chasing the approval of some good looking stranger on the other side of the country who she's currently talking with and had the flirty back and forth I mentioned in my previous post. The reason I unfriended her) in a sincere way and tried to be earnest with my approach because I don't "enjoy watching someone crumble" but she was very much interpreting is as me laying into her and seriously attacking. Again this is via text so inflections and tone can get lost in translation but she was convinced I was being hyper critical for sure. I even pleaded that i wanted to be with her "hey! This isn't phony, I care about you... ." and mentioned "even if you feel we might not have a future together... .still I don't hate you." She wasn't having it, was in defense mode and thought I was trying to tear her down when I told her "I know that you're suffering, it's not your fault."

Following that argument and before me unfriending her there was mixed posts from her online to get my attention. Guilt tripping and bit of the poor me. Things like the pop artwork of Sister Corita "love is here to stay and that's enough" as well as song lyrics "It would take a while to make you smile, somewhere in these eyes I'm on your side." I reached out a couple times in caring ways to no return and then once I saw the flirting with the random guy across the country I decided it was best to unfriend her and go no contact. Even though she had threatened to do it before I wanted to make it clear i wasn't okay with that as well as protect my heart at the end of the day. I assume she never did it because she was struggling not wanting to 'close that door' and also to make me jealous. It's been two weeks since then.

Ideally at this point I would take her back under the conditions that she took responsibility for her actions, there were firm boundaries in place and she was willing to make a serrrrrious effort to get better. Sounds like a cop out to someone who's still hanging on to a shred of hope, I know, but I do believe its possible. I do think I can achieve what I want in my life while caring for her needs as a partner, though it would be admittedly difficult and take proper communication from the both of us. But i also know focusing on me is crucial in this time so im staying physically active, venting/talking to a couple close friends who understand the situation a bit and focusing on work. Though I'm clearly wanting more at this time and still love her, at the very least I would sincerely want a friendship with her. She was absolutely dealt a losing hand, it's incredibly hard watching someone piss their life away and stay in a hindered state. It really stinks seeing someone who i still feel is a genuinely good person suffer aimlessly. I'm wishing one of those outcomes are possible, currently the former.