2 memory banks : negative and positive and nothing in between

[Dr.Me2]

Reflecting upon the years in my marriage to my uBPDw, I realized now there are 2 memory banks she stores and retirement memories: The positive memory bank and the negative memory bank.

The intriguing part for me is that, when my uBPDw is in the state of negative emotional arousal with all the negative feelings and emotions coming out, she can access the negative memory bank as long as those memories are associated with the target of blame (me) while at the same time she can also retrieve from the positive memory bank if the retrieved memory from other times or people in her life reinforces the negative projection against the target of blame or whoever is the adversary at the time.

From my observation, she can't control while she is in a state of rage and negative arousal, what can be retrieved from the negative memory bank as at this state it looks like it flows free with abnormal intensity, although she can certainy control what she can retrieve from the positive memory bank as long as this retrieval reinforces the negative projection currently held and projected unto the target of blame.

I also noticed that when she returns to baseline, although less often these days, the opposite takes place, she blocks and controls any retrieval from the negative memory bank while the retrieval from the positive memory bank flows freely with similar abnormal intensity.

I learned that scientist now believe 55% of scientist believe BPD is inheritable.

All in all, I am struggling to what extent they become aware or not off past violent behaviors.

[connect]

I think this is spot on. It matches my experiences with my BPDbf EXACTLY! I have heard others say the same too... .Access to good and negative memories according to the emotional state.

[Take2]

I think they are aware of their past violent behaviors but this is where twisting reality comes in.  They have to make it your fault so that it justifies their behavior.  They will not remember an event with you in a positive light if they have a need to make things your fault.  This behavior seems like one that at least my ex-uBPD-bf cannot control - like his mind cannot allow him to accept the pain of the reality that HE could be the one actually destroying the relationship.  While I know he is aware of his hideous behavior in hindsight - he continues to justify every bit of name calling, every hang up on me, every threat to destroy my life... .because of course it's all my fault and he has no other choice but to do these things... .     

[Dr.Me2]

THEY HAVE TO MAKE IT YOUR FAULT SO THAT IT JUSTIFIED THEIR BEHAVIOR

Exactly, and that drives the sole retrieval from the negative memory bank blocking the positive memory bank which in nonBPDs are available even in the middle of an emotional moment.

Somehow I believe that emotional dysregulation is based on not having available both memory banks at the time where you need them the most.

I think as a metaphor it is the amygdala that drives the retrieval of the negative memory bank and the front cortex in our brain that drives the retrieval of the positive memory bank.

So they have to justify their behavior by making it your fault since at the moment of rage, the positive memory bank was out of order so to speak.

[maryy16]

With my H, he seems to only remember the negative things I say during an argument and can't seem to recall anything negative that HE has said. For instance, if during an argument I can't control myself and finally say something like "I can't stand being around you", all he will remember is that statement, but nothing that he did to lead up to me saying that... .none of the name calling, the put downs, etc.  I think he believes that just out of the blue, I came up to him and said "I can't stand being around you".  And he will focus on that statement forever and say things like "well, you were the one that said... ."

But I guess that just the way he justifies his actions in his mind, turning himself into the victim, taking everything out of context to make himself feel better.

[Dr.Me2]

With my uBPDw, she vividly remembers the small little incidents as negative memories from many many years  ago as they were yesterday!

Even after settling hem and apologizing if I did something wrong or hurtful which I was not aware.

She is hypersensitive to any negative memory regardless of how long ago and forgiven.

[HopefulDad]

With my H, he seems to only remember the negative things I say during an argument and can't seem to recall anything negative that HE has said. For instance, if during an argument I can't control myself and finally say something like "I can't stand being around you", all he will remember is that statement, but nothing that he did to lead up to me saying that... .none of the name calling, the put downs, etc.  I think he believes that just out of the blue, I came up to him and said "I can't stand being around you".  And he will focus on that statement forever and say things like "well, you were the one that said... ."

But I guess that just the way he justifies his actions in his mind, turning himself into the victim, taking everything out of context to make himself feel better.

This was how my BPDw and I argued for years.  She would keep pushing my buttons and try as I might to not break down, eventually I would and say something like you did and then that's all that is remembered.  It took me a long time to be mindful of what comes out of my mouth, even when frustrated to the point of about to blurt something out.  Now I just disengage.

And things are now worse, because the disengagement is worse than the things I've said in the heat of the moment... .to her.  Not to me.  It's a no-win situation as far as we are concerned, but I feel better as far as I'm concerned.  Keeping my side of the street clean.

[Dr.Me2]

Today I email her to check how was she feeling. The whole interaction ended up worst that if I did not email at all which she also react negative and blame me I don't care.

Demanded NC. I think I am dealing here with something more acute and I just don't seem to find any way to make progress helping.

[Discovery]

YES... .TWO MEMORY BANKS - Positive and negative - and nothing in between!

I often felt like I was going CRAZY with my x-partner b/c when he'd go into avoidant cycles of withdrawing and doing arbitrary NC because something upset him (the specifics of which he never clearly articulated to me), he would say he was unhappy about our r/s and for him it was suddenly ALL BAD... .like there was NOTHING good in the r/s - NOTHING.   I could NOT understand this, because I could clearly see that yes, this specific thing isn't good, or brought something up, but put it in the context of the whole week, whole day, whole r/s, it's just one of those less-than-great moments, but as a whole, there were many, many positive moments -- far more positives than negatives, in my experience the positives were 100s to 1 or even 1000s to 1.

I started feeling like there was this "black cloud" (that's actually the image that came to me) that would just come over him at these moments, and that nothing would change the way he saw things. (At the time I knew nothing about BPD, B/W thinking, splitting etc.). I found it hugely frustrating and could NEVER understand it. In our final couples counselling session (which ended in a blow-out with my pwBPD indirectly (of course) alluding to the soon-to-be-end of the r/s in the last minutes of the Skype session - the "real" end came by email an hour later) I had told the counsellor about the feeling of the "black cloud" or "black filter" that would happen... .that I frequently experienced episodes where he would focus only on the negative and seem unable to recall a single positive thing about the relationship - which seemed so CRAZY and unbelievable to me.



Now that I know about BPD and the b/w thinking, inability to perceive shades of gray, making you either white or black... .I see what was going on. It made me so crazy because I totally COULD NOT understand it. The counsellor asked me what impact it had on me when he did that, and I said that I would do things to remind him about the positives of the relationship... .like send him photos of us smiling and doing something awesome together, remind him of really happy things we did together, even send him photos of love notes he gave me or I gave him, send him back emails he'd sent me just days or hours before... .in an attempt to activate the other memory bank. But it never worked. And mystified me. And made me feel anxious. And doubt myself. And feel like I must have done something REALLY bad for him to see NO GOOD anymore whatsoever. I could never understand what was going on. If I feel frustrated or wronged by someone, I will feel those feelings, but will also be able to connect to the other feelings I have for the person and put things in perspective. I had NEVER experienced anything like this with other people in my life and had no framework to understand it.

Now that I know that he very likely has BPD it all MAKES SENSE. But even though it makes sense intellectually, I feel like my brain wiring got really f***** up with all the incoherences and inconsistencies and the dead-ends of the B/W thinking - all of which were always delivered dispassionately and coolly, and then when I felt frustrated, I was told I was "too emotional" and made to feel that I was the problem.

The worst thing is that in spite of all these crazy contradictions and bizarre mental twists, I kept thinking I must be at cause somewhere... .and even though NOW I know he has an illness, parts of my brain/heart STILL can't come to grips with all the inconsistent messages I received over 7 years.

[Discovery]

oops i'm new to boards and just realized I probably posted on the "wrong" board... .since I"m not technically 'undecided' - given that my ex-partner has pressed "delete" and I have no choice now as the door has been slammed shut in my face. Should I move this to another area & if so how do I do that?

[Dr.Me2]

Discovery,

I can relate with what you posted:

I frequently experienced episodes where he would focus only on the negative and seem unable to recall a single positive thing about the relationship - which seemed so CRAZY and unbelievable to me.

As time goes by it is harder and harder for my uBPDw to retrieve any positive memories, in contrast, she intensely and frequently retrieving negative memories which are not that many, and she seems to amplify them and vividly recalling them as they happen yesterday and never settled.

For her to let go the little things that took place many years ago and I thought were settled, is like destroying the negative memory bank and no longer have access to this. Instead she continues accumulating negative memories by twisting anything into negative.

This is I think the root of cognitive dysregulation.

[Discovery]

DrMe2,

I don't remember where I read this/found this, but I learned that part of the emotional dysregulation can include the actual "reclassifying" of emotional memories and CHANGING them, once the person has turned on the negative filter. And that makes sense, because how else could someone possibly negate an ENTIRE relationship, especially when you were there, and you KNOW that their perception of it is totally out of whack. YOU remember that they WERE happy. They told you! They even reminisced about how happy they were days, weeks, months, years after some of these events. But now they can't find them in the files anymore?

On another site, I read a post from a woman whose husband was recovering from BPD and she said that he told her that when he split, he literally had no more positive emotions about her, their experiences etc. And the example she gave which really shocked me was that he said when he looked at photos of them obviously happy and in past shared experiences, he felt *nothing*. It was like seeing a random photo of two people he didn't even know. He did remember that he had been there, in the experience, but he had *NO EMOTION* in seeing the photo. He literally could not remember that he had once felt positive feelings with her. Even with photographic evidence.

That explained to me why when I tried to activate the "Positive" memory bank of my uBPDx by sending him photographs etc. including photos of beautiful things he wrote and drew for me, it made absolutely no impact on him whatsoever. He could view something he made himself and not reconnect to even a shred of the past affection.

The bizarre shift in him for me was very similar to what you describe... .him intensely and frequently retrieving AND amplifying negative memories (and there really were NOT that many), old things which I too thought had been discussed and let go... .It felt like setting a mental filter that said: "Go and find me ANYTHING that could possibly be interpreted as negative to add to my file." And then looking over and over and over at that file until it is all they can see. As it has been said: "What you focus on, expands."

Very hard for us on the other side. *Sigh*

[Dr.Me2]

Discovery,

It like part of the brain of the pwBPD is no longer. The one with the fun and positive memories.

Reflecting on this, I think everyone needs positive memories to build a hopeful future. I feel that with my uBPDw is exactly the opposite. The innability to access so many positive memories which are blocked and overshadowed by the so few negative memories, makes them store any moment or experience as a negative one.

I think this where the real shame is for a pwBPD.

[PrettyPlease]

oops i'm new to boards and just realized I probably posted on the "wrong" board... .since I"m not technically 'undecided' -

No problem, you're doing the right thing because you're posting relevant material on somebody else's thread. If you were starting your own thread about 'detaching' then yes it should go on that board, but not in this instance.

PP

[Dr.Me2]

Once a pwBPD has turn the negative filter it is all you going to get until they return to baseline and that is when they turn the positive filter.

The truth of the matter I think is they can't control turning either filter and this is at the core of the disorder. They have to rely on others to do so.