I finally started therapy - it was four long months of being on the waitlist, and I was literally gagging at the bit to get in there and get some of this experience out...

I feel like my psychologist is going to be a great fit for me - she also does EMDR and comes highly recommended (hence the wait), so I'm excited to dig in with her.

The first session, she said something about us getting to the point where I finally accept my ex's limitations and drop any further hope. And that comment really did hit me hard, because i realised in that moment that I have been and still am holding hope - even against my logical mind. It seems my head and heart aren't yet in the same place.

My ex reappeared again last week and came in hot for a day... wanted me to sleep with him... sending me links of properties in the countryside (because that was always our dream). I said no... it was hard and hurt to say no... which he could see clearly... I showed my upset and confusion... told him that the chaotic back and forth has caused me a lot of anxiety... and then when he turned cold and distant again, that hurt even more, and messed with my head for a while.

My psych was understanding of the fact I've been hopeless at sticking to no contact. And that's what we'll work on in sessions - building that strength and confidence. I've also deleted all of his messages and his number... so I can't contact him first. But I don't feel okay about blocking him, and actually I think this just adds to the drama of it all. I'm accepting it's baby steps.

Wish I knew what was needed to truly drop all hope.

Dear Sancho,

Thank you so much for your reply and words of wisdom, it is really appreciated. I hadn’t thought about little ones ‘dad’ not preventing the behaviour due to dd’s historical reactions. The parents reaction to the event has been confusing for us and goes against common sense, but sadly we are dealing with BPD and the challenges it brings to the whole family including dd, we are so sad that she suffers in this way.

Great suggestion about using JADE, my husband has used it this week to reach out and attempt to move things forward, he is amazing to keep his calm and not engage when accused of emotionally abusing his grandson. DD remains adamant that he cannot be around her boys and unfortunately we have to accept this. I agree with you and will keep the door open when she texts me, my priority is to de escalate where I can, not add to the drama and hope that they remain as functional as possible to be a little family and care for each other and the little ones to the best of their ability. My husband has asked if he can reach out in a few weeks to chat about moving things forward, dd has agreed to this which I think is positive. Our plan is to trust in the evidence based communication approaches to manage BPD and hopefully with time healing/another target coming into play will occur, which means dd paints her dad white again. What a roller coaster, thank you for your help on this crazy ride

Hi,

My husband is not diagnosed with bpd, but recently reading in to it, it feels suddenly like things make sense, and reading advice on these forums has been eye opening for me. I am making a list of strategies to try.

He has always had anger issues, which he admits to, but has always been resentful of any suggestion of therapy. He is from a conservative culture with a lot of stigma attached to mental health needs.

He has always had outbursts, and blocks and stonewalls people. He holds on to a lot of resentment. He has difficulty maintaining long term friendships, he will have one friend constantly by his side then all of a sudden they are out. He pushes away most of his family.

He has always had angry, silent periods with me, but it feels they are getting more severe, occurring more frequently, lasting for longer (months at a time), and triggered by smaller things. His previous outburst was because I asked a question about finances. He then didn't speak to me for 2 months, and only started again as I was nearly deported from the country where we live because he wasn't supporting my visa application.

It often takes a huge event like that to pull him out. He was ignoring his mother until she ended up in icu with (stress induced) high blood pressure.

He also has alcohol issues, he was sober for nearly a year until this latest outburst, but has started drinking again. He made himself dangerously ill with drinking previously. I understand the frustration that he feels he quit and nothing in his life improved, so he may as well drink. But he is not dealing with or facing the reasons why he drinks.

His most recent outburst started a month ago. There was no obvious preceeding trigger, certainly no fight or angry words. He has had a medical issue that has been chronic and causing him discomfort, and I think he blames me for it, or feels I am not supportive enough. I have done what I can, but it is not in my power to cure it.
So, he suddenly became angry, he won't let me stay or sleep in the same room as him. He said he needs space, and has shouted this at me while holding a hand in my face. I have not got angry, though I did ask him to stop slamming doors which caused him to get more angry and swear at me, which he doesn't usually do.
I have sent him a message to say I am ready to talk when he is. I say hello, and occasionally ask small questions, which he either ignores or gives a painful one word response to.
He is drinking again, coming home around 2pm, and then leaving in the morning without speaking. I don't know whether to continue to respect his need for space, or whether to force a showdown which will be explosive. He has never been violent to me, but the anger in his eyes scares me, as much for him as me. He has high blood pressure, and his face is puffy and unhealthy.

We live with his elderly mother who he is also ignoring, and she is devastated too. He talks briefly to out (10 year old) daughter when he actually sees her. But she is smart and emotionally intelligent, and this affects her too.

He just doesn't seem able to climb down or even to verbalise why he is angry. In the past he has told me that he feels no one cares about him. The whole household tiptoes around him, and I am now learning that this isn't helpful. I have a gentle and timid nature, and hate conflict. This is making me so sad, and I want to help him, but I just can't get through the wall.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much

Very impressive Tina!

I will admit to feeling mad at him for reaching out to you when he 'needed' you, even while he was with the other person, but especially now that the other person is gone. I would hate for you to get hurt again, but it seems like you are doing very well with you emotions.

I've been checking in with D12 when I see her, and I saw her more as I took the kids to both dental and ortho appointments two days last week (my schedule is more flex and I can do more WFH, so no problem). D says it's OK now.

There may be a listening thing here. Over a month ago, D complained that mommy didn't listen to her that she needed time to do homework, but instead took them out to eat one night, and another night to them to grandma's which is noisy with nowhere to study. I mentioned what D said and her mom minimized it. Whether or not what D wants is legit, or maybe over complaining, her feelings are real, so D feels invalidated, "mommy doesn't listen to me." I had them until 6PM Friday and will pick her up from school tomorrow at 230PM and I'll ask how things are. It's now my week except for the Wednesday switch day.

It's a good point made about a 4.0 student with no behavioral problems at school juxtaposed with what sometimes goes on at home. D12 thinks the fights and social media bullying at school is stupid as well.

Thank you very much for this kind and detailed information! I definitely was this person's favorite person for a couple years, but that seemed to change about 6 months before they stopped being a part of my life. They still say things like they miss me and love me, so I'm hoping that means that the time apart with no contact will give us time to work on ourselves and try to reconnect some time. In my reading, a discard where someone says they still have those feelings for you is usually related to fear of abandonment, but our conflict was definitely around engulfment. Is it typical for a person with BPD to end a relationship due to engulfment but still retain positive feelings? When I read about final discards it's usually pretty clear that they have negative feelings for you at that point. Is it more likely that this is not a final discard if they still say they miss me and love me? Is anything I've written here a predictor on how No Contact might ultimately pan out in this situation, or is it one of those things where every person and situation is different?

Hi Hopenfaith
Not sure if this has happened before for you – it has certainly happened for me and I think probably many others who post here. In my growing up years I had never known a situation where the police had to be called. That is not the case now!

Does dd and her child live with you?

I hope the resources here are helpful – they have been for me. In fact I am not sure how I would have survived without reading others’ real life experience with BPD. The descriptions given on mental health sites don’t go anywhere near the reality.

I have been thinking about your question – how to stop or minimize these occurrences. I am not sure they can be ‘stopped’ but I think it is helpful to think about ‘triggers’.

BPD people’s intense emotions are activated often at the slightest thing – things which other people might be a little irritated before they move on. It can be that they are just tired, feeling a bit ‘off’, someone has looked at them, said something etc etc.

In my case I know all her life my dd has tried not to let a trigger set her emotions off. But it is impossible and she then has another reason to hate herself.

Can you identify the trigger or triggers that caused the blow out? Something might be obvious – such as something someone has said – but behind that might be another reason. Did she manage for most of the vacation?

While I think we can’t be walking on eggshells all the time, if we can identify triggers and try to minimize them for a particular event it can give the BPD person a chance to succeed ie to get through the event without a blow out.

I am sorry that this is all I can think of that I could do – identify and try to minimize triggers. However I know that even if I do this, it might well not be possible and something unforeseen sets it all off.

It is good that your grandchild has extended family to support them. This factor can make all the difference in the long term.

Hi Gigi,

This is really tricky as your daughter has become delusional. Maybe what you say to people who make inquiries is that you’re not really sure about the whole situation and that they should ask your daughter. Then you’re not perpetuating the fiction or contradicting your daughter.  You could state the truth—I haven’t seen the baby, have you? I bet they can read between the lines.

Hi AliceOlivia
Welcome and thank you for posting. Your dd has a lot on for sure – 2 under 2 is no walk in the park, and of course there is, as you say, the normal challenging times of different age groups.

But what you describe is outside the ‘norms’ it seems to me and truly should be being dealt with by a parent. I say ‘a parent’ because I am wondering why ‘dad’ doesn’t step in? It could well be that he has learnt not to do so because of the reaction from dd.

Your husband has apologized – to be honest though it is he who should be getting the apology. As I imagine the scene you describe, it would be the parents jumping up, apologizing to you and your husband, checking the baby is okay and picking up the little boy, taking him aside and clearly stating just how wrong and dangerous throwing things can be.

But the ‘norm’ for BPD is very different! It will always be someone else’s fault – and as you have mentioned, the episode will be reinvented to include things that didn’t happen and lots of exaggeration. For parents with BPD this reaction can also occur if there is any suggestion their child is not perfect/has done the wrong thing. I think they see a child as an extension of themselves.

I notice there is not complete ‘silent treatment’. Thinking about the situation I can only suggest what I would/wouldn’t do if it were me, when there is contact.

If dd keeps going over this incident I would make sure I didn’t JADE ie Judge, Argue, Discuss, Explain. The events are known and they are past. JADE -ing would feed the problem.

I would listen and just affirm where I could without any more apologies. I would not say much but - make broad non-personal affirmation statements like ‘It is distressing when these things happen.’ Perhaps you can think ahead of some of these because you know how the conversations are going.

In relation to all the rules around your husband I would just say ‘that’s up to you’. Your husband is probably now the ‘target of blame’ but not JADE - ing seems to work by not adding fuel to the fire of 'blame' that rages in BPD people.

In other words I suppose I would be trying to de-escalate things by not engaging around it.

As I mention though, these are my thoughts and you know your dd and her husband – so none of these thoughts might be relevant to your situation. I am really sorry for you and your husband. No doubt you put up with a lot during that week – and I have to say I think your husband’s reaction was rather mild after being hit, covered with glass and liquid!

What does it mean when a pwBPD is constantly seeking attention, sending +50 messages daily, sometimes completely random, like a restaurant she has seen online, an idea she has, pictures of her leg in the bathtub, her boss who called her, … this already goes on for almost a year on a nearly daily basis. It can be that I answer something, that the next text arrives a few hours or even a few days later. When I don’t look for contact for a few days she will send again. Whenever she is drunk I get phone calls from her, when she is sober and texts she does not pick up my phone when it’s a topic that might be more suitable to do by voice call.
When I want to meet her, or she me, plans can change last minute for whatever reason. Sometimes you get a happy, flirty in front of you, sometimes a big ego devaluating you, sometimes the rear of a cell phone, after she told her mom and friends who know me that we meet up. It happens a lot that she invites me and cancels last minute. She makes very promising proposals to later lower the expectations to then completely finish it. It feels to me that within the safety of online communication she feels good, but that calling or meeting are too intimate and that she is afraid of that. Her behavior to me is close to FP but without meeting to often (about once every 6 weeks).