need advice - not sure whether my ex is a BPD or Narc - she broke up with me :(

[prince0707]

This is about my 11-month relationship with my ex-gf and our break which happened about 7 weeks back.

1) Met this woman from my stream of work. She is divorced with a 7 year old child. I am divorced with no children. What I know about her is that she had a tough time during childhood and as a teenager, father was abusive to her mother and used to beat her mother in front of her, her first bf she dated her for an year and later cheated on her – got married. She met someone online and tried to use him as a scapegoat to leave the city and live her own life but that too failed. After 1 year her relationship failed with her ex-husband, she got pregnant, and she returned to her home town.

2) I met her back in April 2016; she was already dating someone at her work that she was in relationship with for over 5 years.

3) This guy (her ex bf that time) too cheated on her, dumped her and without her knowledge he went back to his home town and got married. While she was dating him she had two abortions, he even slapped her once in the office car park, they had a rough relationship in the last two years and they broke up 2-3 times as he was not sure if he could marry her plus his parents did not approve of her; they both had trust issues. Hence it all collapsed in the end.

4) She was shattered and devastated, that time I gave her my time, support and went along with her grievance to get her out of the tension and stress as a good friend. During this process of her healing after few weeks she told me that she is falling for me. I too fell for her, and we started seeing each other. Now I look back and think/recall that I was a rebound for sure. We started dating, everything was perfect and beautiful, we did so many things together, it was just surreal, so amazing! Sex was great, in fact amazing, she was/is very good at it.

5) After 2 months her exbf who got married retuned back to work started chasing her for forgiveness and said - hey we can be good friends. She opposed this idea of his but he continued to poke her and stalk her at work and after work. She eventually had to report him to her seniors for continuous harassment at work to which her Manager took things in hand and issued a warning this guy to never talk to her or approach her ever. This guy (her ex) – nobody likes him at work, even her own boss told her several times that why did you even dating him, he is a bad guy. My ex-gf never was interested in talking to him. She used to curse him every single day that he will rot in hell and that he used and abused her, he will never ever be happy, his marriage will be destroyed, and he will never have kids - many ugly and bad slurs.

6) Eventually, after the official warning given to him from the company, her ex-bf stopped. Me and my ex-gf started leading our life peacefully and followed out daily wonderful routine. Since, August 2017 we started having arguments on small things and it kept building up to like once every fortnight where we used to not talk to each other for a day or two just out of anger and misunderstanding and then used to get back again and reconcile. Let me add here that I am like that, I have a habit that when I get angry I shut down, I just go quiet and in my sulking mode and after 24-48 hours I get out of it. Our Last argument happened on the 6th of October 2017, where I got deeply hurt and misunderstood something which said, and I didn’t speak to her for 3 days, and after that she turned the tables on me. She said that - she can’t adjust like this and it’s over. She can’t be in relationship with anybody, she doesn’t want to be in a relationship and that these continuous fights have peaked. She said we could remain as “friend” to which I opposed, and I backed off again and said – “get back to me if you want to get together and clear our misunderstanding, start fresh”. She opposed to that too.


I went no contact for 5 days then I called her to meet me, we had few more arguments on chat and on phone, finally she came to meet me, and said the same stuff that she can only be friends!

7) I told her that I can’t be your friend, but we can restart things, continue seeing each other, after few months we can assess things - to which she again said "no" - that she can’t be in a relationship. I was literary begging and being a cheap a$$ sales man. Now while these fights/arguments and reconciliations where happening... .I found out ... .by spying on her online (I used a spyware) that she started chatting to her ex again (in the last 3-4 days after our break up) and till late night. I lost my head, I stalked her and confronted her about this - that why the hell are you chatting and in contact with that person who cheated on you, insulted you at work – to which she swiftly replied in a scared manner (because I caught her off guard) that - we just chat on the messenger about normal stuff and nothing more. I asked her if she met him, she said "yes" that she went for a coffee with him 2 days back. I lost my cool but didn’t say anything. I did mention to her that you are getting in a serious mess because this guy will misuse you and will end up tarnishing your reputation at work (where everyone at work knows their episode), plus in her personal life Her friends, mom/dad, everyone has opposed this guy; her brothers hate him for what he did to her wasting her 5 precious years of life and married someone else secretly.

8) She continues to chat with her ex till late at night. She told me that she doesn’t talk to him over the phone at all, only chats and its he who mostly texts her and she replies. My last contact with her was 6 weeks back where I sent a message, asking her to meet for coffee on Thursday afternoon to which she nicely refused and said that she has got loads of work to do and that she hopes I understand. I said its ok, may be some other day/time.  After that I went No Contact – blocked her from calling me, texting me, and deleted my Facebook profile. It’s been over 6 weeks now and I have not contacted her at all... .I continue doing this till date... .

9) This ex who is now married and has his wife back in his home town is going back in January 2018 for his wedding reception for 1.5 month. I guess that’s when she will realize when the hell she was doing with him, because he won’t chat to her or meet her, as he will be with his wife 24/7. She will feel it then!

She gave me the break up ultimatum on the 8th of October, since then life has been hell…I have been following up No contact but not 100% ….I sometimes stalk her and her ex on Facebook. 

10) One thing which really surprises and eats me inside out that WHY the HELL is she chatting all the time with her ex-bf (he is a bloody married guy, who brought her name and reputation on the streets) knowing the fact that HE will try his hands on her. She does know this very well... .and when we both were together we used to talk about this. My ex-gf knows this all…then why? Is she just killing time with this guy? OR she is taking her revenge fooling him around so that he wags his tail around her and make her feel important, OR may be there is something really bad and dirty going on between them, because they both have started meeting at least 1-2 times a week late at night I have a feeling that she hasn’t told anybody that she started chatting / meeting her ex bf, not even to her friends because everyone hates him. Nobody likes her ex, no one!   





11) I really crave for this woman, want her, I do love her very much…I know after what she has done to me and discarded our beautiful relationship there might not be any looking back. She was never like this she in fact used to chase me, seek advice from me, always used to ask to meet, go for dates, or maybe I didn’t see her real face. I just feel shattered witnessing this.

Is she is a BPD or a Narc > and if I have a chance to get her back ?... .I might sound like a stupid stalker or a weirdo to you, but love does make people insane if they lose their partners…. I get these terrible head spins and anxiety attacks! 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi prince0707,

It seems clear that she does not want a relationship with you and it is very important to respect that despite what your feelings may be. Also, if I may be so direct, you do not have a right to spy on her, or confront her about who she wants to talk to, even more so post-breakup.

Please see this about how to grieve a lost relationship loss - it can help put you on a healthier path. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0

wishing you well, pearlsw.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi prince0707,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so desperate in your breakup. How did you come to believe your gf has BPD?

Did she ask you to not contact her anymore? Does she know that you are monitoring her online activity?

Have you contacted a therapist to help you work through the emotions of your loss? Sometimes just having a real life person to talk to can help. They could help you work through the obsessive thoughts about what she is doing and when.

What can you do to help yourself stay in what we call Wisemind ? Do you have a support system of friends and family that can help you through this time?

[prince0707]

Hi prince0707,

It seems clear that she does not want a relationship with you and it is very important to respect that despite what your feelings may be. Also, if I may be so direct, you do not have a right to spy on her, or confront her about who she wants to talk to, even more so post-breakup.

Please see this about how to grieve a lost relationship loss - it can help put you on a healthier path. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0

wishing you well, pearlsw.

Hi ! Pearl,

Thank you for your feedback. I have too made my share of mistakes during our arguments phase. Love and losing a partner does make us silly or crazy. I will have a look on the link you shared and focus my attention on me.

Many Thanks !

Prince

[prince0707]

Hi prince0707,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so desperate in your breakup. How did you come to believe your gf has BPD?

Did she ask you to not contact her anymore? Does she know that you are monitoring her online activity?

Have you contacted a therapist to help you work through the emotions of your loss? Sometimes just having a real life person to talk to can help. They could help you work through the obsessive thoughts about what she is doing and when.

What can you do to help yourself stay in what we call Wisemind ? Do you have a support system of friends and family that can help you through this time?

Dear TH,

G'day!

Now that you have pointed out whether she has BPD or not is still a question to me as well. But what I have read so far, personality traits etc... she did fit into that bracket to about 75-80%.

No, She didn't ask me to stay away, in the end she said she can't be in a relationship with anyone and that she had enough of these fights and arguments in relationships. However, in the background she continues to chat to her ex bf (who is a married guy) and she meets him too. I know spying on her was a low act, I have stopped doing already.

So, our last meeting was a little heated and ended cold. She said she can only be friends and I said - no I can't. I did add that I will work on myself and if you change your mind you know where to find me. 4 days later I sent her a message on the messenger to meet me for a coffee and she refused - saying that she was very busy and I hope I understand. 2 days later I lost my head because I had a strong emotional rush due to this break up and I ended up block her and deleting her number, deleting my facebook all. Its been almost 7-8 weeks that we haven't talked or met... .I miss her like hell       ... .I am sure she is chatting and meeting her  ex bf

I don't know what to do, tell me what to do ?

[pearlsw]

Hi prince0707,

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. I want to acknowledge how incredibly difficult breakups can be especially when we are still in love with the other person and holding out hope for them. It is not easy to let go.  I had a relationship end once very suddenly after being told he would "never ever break up with me".  It took a long time for me to feel better or make sense of what had happened. It was hard to take the break up as real because of this, I desperately wanted to talk to him, but it wasn't really possible. I saw him under a few odd circumstances after we broke up, but it was pretty icky now when I look back on it and I wish I had simply walked away from the whole mess much faster.

The more you focus on you - the part you have control of in all this the better things will be. It takes time, it just takes time. You have support here to process it in a healthy way. It is perfectly okay to want to understand, it is also important to understand that not all things in life can be made sense of via reason or logic. If you can only be romantically involved, and not friends, and since she does not want to date anyone, take her at word. As you said, she knows where to find you if she changes her mind. You can't change her mind, only she can. It sounds like she needs space and time to figure out what she wants. Let her do that, but let her do that on her own. The more you chase after her now the less appealing you will likely be to her. The more you show respect and a willingness to stick to boundaries she is setting and respect her wishes the better off you both will be. Take care of yourself, share the hard pieces with the community here instead of her, learn how to process this in a healthy way.

take care, pearlsw.

[Meili]

How are things going Prince?