For 3 days I hardly moved from my couch.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Just documenting my journey.

This past weekend, I decided to spend entirely alone. I was at my lowest. I felt I needed to truly feel everything and grieve. I didn’t keep my mind occupied I just endured it. For 3 days I hardly moved from my couch. My posts on here were morbidly sad. Tears, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts. I felt them all.

Monday, I woke up in a better head space. Tuesday, even better. Wednesday I woke up energized. I had the feeling of happiness creeping into my mood. I went and did things by myself that I enjoy; that I usually do in a relationship. I walked around my neighborhood. I was present at dinner with friends, talking and interested. I had a great time after for drinks. I had this feeling of relief, I was happy to be where I was, I was in the moment.

I’m not sure it will last. Hard days come in waves. But, in this moment, thinking of my ex and her quick replacement -  I sorta just laugh. It is what it is. It was gonna happen eventually no matter what I did.

I realize I was just a blip on her journey through life. And she came into my life to teach me the ultimate lesson: love yourself.

It’s like truly grieving opened my eyes to all the pain she caused me. It was an epiphany, no person who truly loves you, would do the things she did. Not a chance. How she moved on so abruptly. It’s much easier now to turn to the things she did(lying, cheating, disappearing) and, not the things she said(I love you, your my one and only). Is this the FOG fading?

It was a facade. I was there for her benefit. I was a replacement. I did truly love her. And that’s okay. There’s value in knowing you can truly love someone and commit. Maybe this is a turning point. Maybe not. But why would I ever want to go back to someone capable of bringing me to my lowest? And even better question, why would I miss and hang onto them? Those attachments are fading every day.

I wish her well. I really do. She is a wonderful person who just struggles with so many things mentally. The anger looms, but I want to get to a point where I forgive her and myself.

I love you all and know how hard this is, so from a very broken soul, who considered taking his own life at times, I just want to say - maybe it will get better. I can finally see some light at the end of the tunnel. I was starting to think I never would.

One day at a time.

[So many questions]

Just documenting my journey.

This past weekend, I decided to spend entirely alone. I was at my lowest. I felt I needed to truly feel everything and grieve. I didn’t keep my mind occupied I just endured it. For 3 days I hardly moved from my couch. My posts on here were morbidly sad. Tears, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts. I felt them all.

Monday, I woke up in a better head space. Tuesday, even better. Wednesday I woke up energized. I had the feeling of happiness creeping into my mood. I went and did things by myself that I enjoy; that I usually do in a relationship. I walked around my neighborhood. I was present at dinner with friends, talking and interested. I had a great time after for drinks. I had this feeling of relief, I was happy to be where I was, I was in the moment.

I’m not sure it will last. Hard days come in waves. But, in this moment, thinking of my ex and her quick replacement -  I sorta just laugh. It is what it is. It was gonna happen eventually no matter what I did.

I realize I was just a blip on her journey through life. And she came into my life to teach me the ultimate lesson: love yourself.

It’s like truly grieving opened my eyes to all the pain she caused me. It was an epiphany, no person who truly loves you, would do the things she did. Not a chance. How she moved on so abruptly. It’s much easier now to turn to the things she did(lying, cheating, disappearing) and, not the things she said(I love you, your my one and only). Is this the FOG fading?

It was a facade. I was there for her benefit. I was a replacement. I did truly love her. And that’s okay. There’s value in knowing you can truly love someone and commit. Maybe this is a turning point. Maybe not. But why would I ever want to go back to someone capable of bringing me to my lowest? And even better question, why would I miss and hang onto them? Those attachments are fading every day.

I wish her well. I really do. She is a wonderful person who just struggles with so many things mentally. The anger looms, but I want to get to a point where I forgive her and myself.

I love you all and know how hard this is, so from a very broken soul, who considered taking his own life at times, I just want to say - maybe it will get better. I can finally see some light at the end of the tunnel. I was starting to think I never would.

One day at a time.

[SinisterComplex]

"I realize I was just a blip on her journey through life. And she came into my life to teach me the ultimate lesson: love yourself."

^^^^1000% YES! I am happy for you and proud of you for getting to that point. Sadly, some of the best and most important lessons come from the most turbulent and traumatic of times. Perseverance is what determines and separates the weak from the strong. Remember you are never weak for how you feel. You are never weak for being in the position you are. You are only weak if you give up and don't show yourself the love and respect you deserve. You are not giving up, you are pushing forward and pressing on. That is strength. You are a lot stronger than you realize. Remember that.

Keep your head up and keep moving forward.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[justcantgiveup]

I was so happy to read this. Your post gives me hope! I remember from past breakups that this is how happiness and peace returns to my life. It starts with a little glimmer and builds slowly. Though this is my first time dealing with the overwhelming tsunami that is loving, and detaching from, a person who suffers from BPD, it is reassuring to hear that there is possibly a return to normal on the other side.  I hope you have no backslides but if you do, hang on to this feeling and trust that you will get back here again. And thanks for posting. I needed to read this today. 

[So many questions]

I’m glad it could give you some hope. I really am. Ive slid back into my depression. She’s been in my dreams the past 2 nights.

I know I’ll get through this. But she is literally the most beautiful person I’ve ever met in my entire life. Just absolutely stunning.. Funny. Affectionate. Adventurous. Loves cooking and dancing. She really is the only one I want. I blew it. I didn’t know about cluster B disorders until after. I was handling it all wrong.I could’ve made it work. All I had to do was hear her out, not react, give it some time and things would be ok. We were so close to a break through.  But it’s over forever. She’s moved on to someone else.

I’m scared I’ll never look at someone with the same affection. The same adoration. It’s terrifying.

She was my dream girl. I had a crush on her for 6 years before we dated. To like someone that long then actually get to be with them, is a feeling like no other.

I know when she was raging it was bad. I know she made some choices behind my back that aren’t ok. But we rushed into things after her previous 5 year relationship. She needed to mess up and make bad choices; to see that she really wanted to be with me.

The lies and cheating had stopped. I just couldn’t let go of the past. I was so insecure and untrusting, and even if I had good reason, I shouldn’t have cared. When you love someone the way I love her, their choices should be theirs to make. My possessiveness and jealously stemmed from ego. She had someone else, apologized, and still chose to be with me.

In the grand scheme of things, I wanted forever with her. So the early years of figuring out shouldn’t matter.

I know I sound delusional. I know no one deserves to be cheated on and lied to and humiliated.

But I realize now that doesn’t matter.  Those are surface level interactions and she lied Bc she was embarrassed and knew it was wrong.

Had I always just trusted her. Been there for her. Been cool and enjoyed life with her. Enjoyed my own life and not molded mine around her.  Not gone through her phone. She probably wouldn’t have felt engulfed and been much less inclined to act out.

I was trying to figure out what was going on and became overwhelming. I blew it

[drumdog4M]

I'm in the same place as you my friend. We all think we could have made it better. I still do. In reality, you could not have healed her. Maybe you could have put off the day of reckoning, and maybe with a lot of work on her part in therapy plus a good couples counselor, it might have worked out. But I think your relationship might have seemed stable until something happened and if imploded, like a landmine was in the foundation of it waiting to be triggered by anything or nothing you did.

If it helps (and I don't mean to hijack your thread), I'd like to share a response I wanted to send to my ex-pwBPD but will not. It might resonate with some of you, especially So many questions.

This was in response to a series of texts and aborted phone calls where she said among other things "I love you, drumdog, so stupidly much" and told me that she is "happy with her new lover but with a caveat." She this morning said, "I'm sorry our conversations seem to cause more pain. I just love you but don't seem to know how to do so carefully enough."

"I want to have conversations with you, and I can deal with any subject or content - no matter how much the information might hurt. We have and can overcome many things, if we want to. I think part of what is challenging for me and prompts me to run to you and yearn for communication and connection is the form of some of the exchanges we have had. Bursts of information and strong sentiments, interrupted calls. Followed by silence, unanswered calls (so many), and withdrawal.

There is then no opportunity resolution, closure, or even conclusion. It just ends. I can’t process my feelings because I’m often left with unresolved question based on allusions you’ve made. It sometimes even feels controlling (though I don’t think you mean it to be), and I’m really vulnerable to it. It doesn’t feel like a “conversation” to me, much less healthy communication.

It often leaves me feeling like I’ve experienced an emotional hit and run, or that you got your fix of me, and then disappear again for a week, having confirmed that I do indeed still love you and long for you. And you can now go enjoy the happiness of exploring a new lover.

In case there is any doubt, let me be clear, I love you very much. So much so that it hurts me greatly. I realize that you are conflicted. That you love and are attached to me but getting too close is painful so you run or hide or go radio silent. This is not anything new. It has been present from the early days of our journey.

But please realize that when you engage me and then disappear or go silent, it tears my already shredded heart apart even more. I did not want to drive to your home in the middle of the night and seek any shred of comfort you’d feel comfortable to provide. Much less finding none, just rejection. “Go back to your house drumdog!” I was just left hanging and torn and trying to obtain some closure and resolution in that moment.

I think some of this pattern might be due to your reaching out to me late at night, lately it seems when you’re drinking. As I said in my marathon text string from last night, it inhibits communication and fosters emotional recklessness.

I want nothing more than to communicate with you for the rest of my life, but I want it to be a meaningful dialogue. A back and forth where we each invest a similar level of emotional energy that we feel is comfortable and appropriate within the context of that conversation. Not like “tweeting” heavy PLEASE READ in a one-sided broadcast without a chance to engage around the content of the message.

I hope that helps explain in part what triggered me. It’s a pattern of communication, not a one time or even a recent occurrence. Talk to me, converse with me, engage me if there is something you want to say. Or need to express. I’m not going to turn away or bite you. But please don’t draw me in, amp up my emotions whether positive or negative, and then retreat, promise to call but don’t, ignore me, or disappear, or immediately thereafter go spend time with another man. It makes me feel invalidated and quite hurt, and it sets back what little healing I’ve been able to achieve after losing you.

I don’t know how to navigate this any other way than to just express my feelings. As before, I’m vulnerable, naked, no armor - trying to find a solution that allows us to be a part of one another’s lives or, if not, that the pulling and pushing while trying to let one another go doesn’t damage our already wounded souls further. I hope that I am kind, clear, and consistent in my words and actions. I’m trying to be. I would like to have clear, undistorted, and healthy communication with you. You mean the world to me. And without you, my world is quite empty. If you choose to occupy a space in my empty fractured world, please treat it with care. It’s not much, but it’s all I have."

[So many questions]

Dangit Drum we are the same person .

Your letter is beautiful. Oh to see how much you love that person. I know that feeling. It is so pure and genuine. If only, they  realized the level at which we would commit and never falter. If they knew the lonely night spent researching and reading, just to try to understand them more. They won’t.

I typed a message to her this morning without sending it. I feel like I just need to send this as my last goodbye. I was very brief and short, still polite, in my last message to her weeks ago.

I posted it in the reversing board but here it is

“ I hope life is treating you well. I hope you’re finding happiness in whatever you do. I don’t care that you found someone else and moved on. It was confusing at first because how close we got/things said and I wish you would’ve just told me, but I understand why you didn’t. I hope that it’s going good. You deserve happiness. Just know, you can find a million others and you’ll still have my heart. I am moving on and will continue to be alone and work on myself, for me. But, I want you to know I will always love you no matter what has happened or happens. You are the most beautiful person I have ever met in my life and loving you was a life changing experience. I feel like I get you, I really do. And you’ve told me you feel the same. So whether it’s months, years, or I never speak to or see you again; you’ll always have my heart. I’ll always be there for you. And one day, God willing, if I ever have the chance again, I will do everything in my power to be the man you need. It doesn’t matter the time in between or what happens, if it means having a chance at forever with you. I know that’s probably never going to happen. But I can’t act like I don’t care about you. I will never abandon the promise I made to love you unconditionally. You were my best friend. I can’t let you choosing to do what you thinks best for you, negate my love for you. It’s forever. It’s genuine. It’s real. I know that 100%. So I’ll be around, loving you from afar as I did for many years. Wishing you the best. Go live you’re life to the fullest and if somehow we end up back in each others lives, it was suppose to happen. You’re a once in a lifetime person and I’m glad I got to experience that briefly. I have to let you go. But I wish you the best. I really do. I will always love you and miss you. You were the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. Thank you. If it was all to teach me a lesson, so be it. I’ll hang on to the great times, because there were SO many. So long my love.”

[drumdog4M]

Thank you, So many questions, for your reply. I too think what you wrote is beautiful but also think it's best to share here rather than with her. I will share more thoughts later and take comfort from the fact that I am not alone in what I'm experiencing. You're also not alone, even when it feels that way.

[So many questions]

I don’t plan on sending it. I wanted to go 21 days from the last time we spoke when she “needed space to be alone for her personal growth.” Really it was to be with her replacement.

It’s been 19 days since then. 3 weeks is the longest we have ever gone NC. So I’m just gonna let her make that decision. I doubt she will. They’re together 24:7. Her birthday is coming up. So yeah.

I’ll just keep it tucked away for now. I have no idea if I’ll hear from her ever again. Or just run into her one day, which is inevitable. No idea how that will go. It all sucks.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you all for being here and paying it forward. I am nowhere near healed/recovered, but I am much better than I was and that's in large part due to the support of everyone here and I am finding it healing as well to pay it forward in whatever small way I can. Rev, you were one of the first to help me and I truly appreciate that.

Not that this is about me, it's not. This community is wonderful.