Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those Tha

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been reading this the last few days.

www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Those/dp/0310210844/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363012118&sr=1-1&keywords=safe+and+unsafe+people

What struck me the most (only half way through it) is the emphasis on the importance of relationship.  There was a town where the people were extraordinarily closely bonded.  Caring supportive, bonded in good ways.  The average life span was way beyond the national average, even though these folks ate red meat, drank, smoke like every other town.  As isolation moved in, the life spans decreased to the national average.  Deep connections seem to be the way to the best health.  Isolation causes unhealthy addictions which isolate more so it's a circular issue.

Oh, and people that don't have good boundaries and assertiveness, hook up with unsafe people.  Because those are the ones who let them in the door.  There is something to this learning assertiveness and learning to be open with healthy people.  I realized I can complain and moan really well but what does that get me?  I need to find ways to state what I need and be ok with people that say no, or think I'm a freak, and not be so worried what they think about me.

I wish we could practice being assertive with each other.    Now I understand why 12 step groups are successful, it gives people a chance to bond with each other in a safe environment.

[Rose Tiger]

I've been reading this the last few days.

www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Those/dp/0310210844/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363012118&sr=1-1&keywords=safe+and+unsafe+people

What struck me the most (only half way through it) is the emphasis on the importance of relationship.  There was a town where the people were extraordinarily closely bonded.  Caring supportive, bonded in good ways.  The average life span was way beyond the national average, even though these folks ate red meat, drank, smoke like every other town.  As isolation moved in, the life spans decreased to the national average.  Deep connections seem to be the way to the best health.  Isolation causes unhealthy addictions which isolate more so it's a circular issue.

Oh, and people that don't have good boundaries and assertiveness, hook up with unsafe people.  Because those are the ones who let them in the door.  There is something to this learning assertiveness and learning to be open with healthy people.  I realized I can complain and moan really well but what does that get me?  I need to find ways to state what I need and be ok with people that say no, or think I'm a freak, and not be so worried what they think about me.

I wish we could practice being assertive with each other.    Now I understand why 12 step groups are successful, it gives people a chance to bond with each other in a safe environment.

[Maryiscontrary]

I will be assertive. Only dysfunctional people will be crappy about you asserting your boundary and will think you are a freak. Honestly, these people do not deserve a rats a_ _ thought about them, if they act all crappy about your simple and basic human needs.

Rose, undertand, I am very slow with emotional processing, so I have no choice but to assert myself automatically with boundary breaking behavior. It is much more binary for me, because I don't process these things fast. I flip into btch mode in 2 seconds with egregious behavior. I don't care what these users think.

[Cumulus]

And Mary, I am just the opposite! I take stuff and take stuff and take stuff, even if the "stuff" doesn't belong to me. Too bad they couldn't put us in a giant mixer, shake us together so we'd end up with a little bit of each other  

Rose, I will check out the book, it sounds like it would apply to where I am. Thanks.

Ok just checked out the book and right now am reading a different book but by the same author! Great thoughts and ideas.

[Rose Tiger]

Mary, can you give us a couple of examples?

Cumulus, it is scripture (bible) based, just a head's up.  Talks about that God created us to need relationships and things like that.  That addictions form when we block ourselves off from meaningful connections.  Getting in touch with that need and working on our character defects.

Oh, another interesting aspect it brought up was trust.  They gave an example of a person involved in a close relationship that was abusives, that being able to trust again is difficult.  I find this to be true, I'm always wondering what does 'this' person want from me?  What are they up to?  How will they screw me over?  It goes way back for me... .  I remember when we moved when I was 10.  I called my friend Jeanie long distance because I missed her.  Forgot all about it.  My sister starts talking me (red flag) all friendly and chatty.  She's talking about our old place that we lived and friends, did I miss my friends?  Yes.  Did I ever talk to them?  And she sucked me in, I told her my secret that I called Jeanie.  She grins, leaves the room, calling Mom, Dad, it was Rose that made a long distance phone call.  So proud of herself.  I got in trouble.  Such a load of crap house with things like that.  Isn't fun to rat out your sister? 

I need to let things go! 

[Rubies]

I read the book a few months ago because it's a big issue for me, too.  One of the hardest things for me is BECOMING a consistently safe person for others as I try to forge new friendships and relationships.    Unfortunately, all I can see are people who want to TAKE and people who display FEAR.  Predators and Prey.   I shut down, yet I keep looking and hoping for a friend, but cannot reach out.

I gave the book to DD to read, now it is lost in the Black Hole of her room.

[Rose Tiger]

Isn't it funny as jaded, cynical and untrusting as I was brought up to be (when people are nice they will rat you out!) I still let ex come barrelling into my life.  For a long time, he felt safe!

Do you consider yourself a safe person for your DD, Rubies?  I feel that I am for my teen.  And little kids, I trust little kids and feel very comfortable around them.  Comfortable around most animals.  Can I join a 12 step group of 3 year olds?   

[Cumulus]

Hi, yes the book I'm reading now by Cloud and Townsend is How People Grow, and it too has a lot of biblical references. Knowing before hand is good.

Did you get any help from the book Rubies? Trust is huge. I haven't had any new friends come into my life nor have I started any new relationships since my world flipped over so the trust issue has not yet been put to the test for me. I think I first have to feel safe with recognizing deceit and dishonesty before I could really trust someone new. And that could take awhile!

Something that I did notice that was interesting to me is as I started to meditate, on a daily basis, it was exceedingly hard for me to let my guard down. I had to trust my "higher power" to look after me while I let my defences down. I realized that it was a form of trust I was building.

[Cumulus]

12 step for three years olds... .  milk cookies and afternoon naps, whats not to like

[Rubies]

Isn't it funny as jaded, cynical and untrusting as I was brought up to be (when people are nice they will rat you out!) I still let ex come barrelling into my life.  For a long time, he felt safe!

Do you consider yourself a safe person for your DD, Rubies?  I feel that I am for my teen.  And little kids, I trust little kids and feel very comfortable around them.  Comfortable around most animals.  Can I join a 12 step group of 3 year olds?   

Aside from her therapist, I am DD's only safe person in her life.  Her BPD father and his mother seriously violated her trust.  She went NC with them when she turned 18.  She does not trust her older sisters either because  of how they were manipulated by BPDs.

One of the amazing things about DD and her autism is how sensitive she is to hidden hostility.  I can instantly read it in her countenance when we enter a room of people.  She cannot read body language or facial expressions or language tones.  She doesn't know where it comes from.  I never know it's there until it's spewed on me.  We work well as a team.  I observe her.  If she's feeling hostility, I start looking for the source.  I want to face it down, resolve and dismantle it before we get whacked. 

DD appreciates my ability to stand up for us, stand up for HER.   

[careman]

I've been reading this the last few days.

www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Those/dp/0310210844/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363012118&sr=1-1&keywords=safe+and+unsafe+people

What struck me the most (only half way through it) is the emphasis on the importance of relationship.  There was a town where the people were extraordinarily closely bonded.  Caring supportive, bonded in good ways.  The average life span was way beyond the national average, even though these folks ate red meat, drank, smoke like every other town.  As isolation moved in, the life spans decreased to the national average.  Deep connections seem to be the way to the best health.  Isolation causes unhealthy addictions which isolate more so it's a circular issue.

Oh, and people that don't have good boundaries and assertiveness, hook up with unsafe people.  Because those are the ones who let them in the door.  There is something to this learning assertiveness and learning to be open with healthy people.  I realized I can complain and moan really well but what does that get me?  I need to find ways to state what I need and be ok with people that say no, or think I'm a freak, and not be so worried what they think about me.

I wish we could practice being assertive with each other.    Now I understand why 12 step groups are successful, it gives people a chance to bond with each other in a safe environment.

Rose Tiger !

Just ordered the book. Inspiring. Thanks for posting

/Careman

[Rose Tiger]

Cumulus, that is neat that you are getting to such a relaxed place.  We know we can trust Him but I still feel a bit on edge, you know?  The other day, the light bulb was out on my table lamp, it was stuck in the socket but good.  I said, Jesus you are suppose to be my Dad, please get this lightbulb out.  I tried again and it unscrewed like butter.    I am such a nag.  He still loves me.

Rubies, I would like to borrow you daughter to spend time with me, what a gift.  I'm glad she has you to watch out for her, yes those toxic family members can do a number on people.  I hope for good, safe people to come into your lives.

Good deal, Careman.     I'm sure your inner child is pleased with you taking steps to learn how to take good care of you.

Three year olds and Bill Cosby.  Bill Cosby seems like a safe person. 

[Claire]

There is something to this learning assertiveness and learning to be open with healthy people. 

Rose - thanks for mentioning this book. It looks like exactly what I need to read right now. The past few months I've been focusing on trying to learn how to be vulnerable with others, which is hard considering all the "unsafe" people I've had in my life from a young age (esp. BPD mom).  Something about the quote above just resonated with me. Good relationships are about being open with healthy people, not with ALL people... .  because all people are not safe and healthy.  I need to learn to find and identify safe people and cultivate those relationships even though it's easier to relate to unsafe people because that's what I'm used to... .  

[Maryiscontrary]

Rose, the original post I made on this thread was an example of assertive expression. Do you see this?

[Maryiscontrary]

Here is Another example. My supplier tried to jack up the price on the product yesterday by 25%. I said no... .  this is too expensive. If she pushes it, I will pit her against another supplier, and drop her, if she does not relent.

I am all for her making a profit, but not being dodge and jacking prices up like that in one week.

[Cumulus]

Oh rose, I wish it was so, that I was getting to a relaxed place. I'm afraid it's not so. I am working so hard to get there, to understand. Like so many others that post here, I have a heart full of love, of loneliness, of searching and restlessness. All I can do right now is to keep trying. I'm not even sure at this point what I am searching for, but when I find it, I'll know. At one time I didn't think I would ever find answers because I didn't know what questions to ask, now I know the questions and can finally look for the answers. When I find the answers, then I'll know what I have been searching for. Thank you for your kind thoughts, it means a lot.

[Rose Tiger]

Hey Claire, I hear you, finding a safe person to disclose to, like searching for gold.  And just as valuable.  I figure, get that thicker wall up where I don't disclose all before I really know someone.  Then just give them tidbits to see what they do with those.  I do tend to give away the farm and then think, why did I do that?  I can catch myself better now, thinking ahead and realizing, ok don't disclose that or this.  Kind of police-ing my conversation.  Uncomfortable pause, so what?  No puppies are being killed, let the pause hang out there.

I talked to my T about the evil sis, asking what could my 10 year old have done to be assertive.  She said, 10 year old could of said to sis, that was very hurtful when I trusted you and you betrayed me.  Not looking for an apology, stating my truth and hey, what you did was not nice.  I don't think I had it in me to protect myself that way at that age.  I can do that now, tell someone that something was hurtful.  Not go behind their back but directly confront them.  Ok, something to work on. 

Yes, Mary!  When it comes to money, I can be assertive pretty much.  Saying 'no' can be difficult.  You've got to be strong to keep a business successful, don't you?  Heck yeah.

Cumulus, it's interesting that there are so many out there with the same issue.  Needing connection.  Not just you or me, all these folks in our lives don't have it all together perfectly either.  My T says to keep folks that are willing to work on their stuff, leave the ones that say, that's me and tough beans if you don't like the way I treat you.  Stay away from those.